saturday morning cartoons

Remember when you were a kid and Saturday morning was the best time to watch TV, because of all the cartoons? I don't really think I was that kid, not that I remember. But today I decided to see what sort of stuff was on the television on Saturday morning, because that's the kind of thing I do when I need more blog entries (see example one and example two). Also I'm too lazy to be doing any of the other things that I really should be doing. So here we go. Start time is 9:30 a.m.

9--The TV was on CBS when I turned it on, I guess because it was on CBS last night for Letterman. There is something called The Early Show on and it makes me want to kill myself. The anchors are talking about how they're going to give us 19 tips for de-stressing, but not 20, because that would be too stressful. Then they riff on that for awhile. Other annoying things happen while I look for the remote but I hate them too much to even write them down.

10--Some guy wants to sell me an ugly-ass car. He keeps saying "folks." He's got a sidekick who just cannot believe the deals! He keeps giving directions to the dealership. He knows how to get to that dealership from any town in Georgia. In the car dealer's excitement, he accidentally says "good things happen to bad people" instead of the other way around. I guess they didn't have enough film to do a second take.

11--Okay, now we're to the first cartoon. But it's on a religious network and it's some sort of weird claymation stop motion thing that I don't really know the name of. It's called Davy and Goliath's Christmas and it features a talking dog. But oh no! Davy and Goliath want to go snowboarding and they have to take a GIRL with them. And not just any girl but AN ARABIC GIRL. I'm tempted to stick around to see if the Christian learns a lesson about tolerance OR if the Christian converts them all. But I have to keep going.

12--Oooh Chuck Norris wants to sell me workout equipment. He's wearing a belt while exercising though which seems odd.

13--Some people are trying to sell me a juicer. It looks like there's something wrong with all of them. The people, not the juicers.

14--Cartoons in Spanish! There are many pigs.

15--Some people are trying to sell me a skin care line. I am so bored by them.

16--Some men are building a house. There are going to be 3 bathrooms! Juliet gets her own bathroom, which everyone is excited about, but Juliet is nowhere to be seen.

19--Some people want to sell me a GPS. I worry that there are no cartoons for kids, but only consumer opportunities. OMG this woman missed her child's ball game because she got lost! Thanks goodness she got a GPS!

20--Some ladies wnt to sell me ribbed cardigans and sleeveless turtlenecks. If you accessorize right, this look will "kill 'em at the office."

21--Some author from Georgia is being interviewed in a library. The guy who is doing the interview is doing his best James Lipton.

22--An opera.

23--The same opera! WTF. Maybe I need to do a public access show. The public access channels are duplicating content!

24--Women are trying to be snarky about government by playing some form of Monopoly and reading position stances off the cards.

25--I have one of those cable packages where they tell me what the program is when I flip to the channel. According to my tv, what I am watching is called "Asian Variety Show." It's weird and giving me a headache. It may just be the early hour.

26--Ooh, a finance executive committee meeting. But I don't know what organization this committee belongs to! So I'm going to make something else. Finance executive committee of the Jonas Brothers fan club.

27--This is a combo home shopping channel and tv schedule channel.

30--CSPAN is talking to our current president. Say what you will about the man, but he is wearing a frickin beautiful tie. It is teal.

32--The Weather Channel alerts me that the temperature is 66 degrees. Take that, people who have snow!

33--This channel proclaims to be The Learning Channel, but I can't tell what I'm supposed to be learning. Oh, how to flip a house or something.

34--A real estate program is on CNN. I want some news, beeyotch.

35--Headline News is telling me how much snow is around the country, and how upset the people are about it.

36--It's too early for CNBC to have any news, they're still in paid programming mode.

37--Fox News claims to understand everything going on with the stock market. You didn't hear it from me, but the bulls are ready to run!

38--A&E follows a man who does catering. His business is down.

39--It's movie and a makeover on TBS! The movie is Jumanji, and the makeover is going to be how to give your kids low-cost gifts and maintain your holiday spirit.

40--Ooh Mike Rowe just picked up some sort of creepy reptile and I had to change the channel immediately, so I don't even know what the dirty job was.

41--Commercials for K-mart and Kay Jewelers. They only show commercials for K-stores on this channel!

42--On USA a guy just got shocked by a microphone and I'm going to guess he's dead, and then some young, attractive detectives will come along to solve the case. Almost every single show has young attractive detectives these days.

43--Have you always yearned to enjoy the comedic stylings of Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt in a sequel to Cheaper by the Dozen? Then I wish you were here to watch Cheaper by the Dozen 2 with me.

44--People are hunting things.

45--A commercial for Pepsi makes me distinctly uncomfortable.

46--Sportscenter. One guy can't wait to watch Ohio State versus Texas. Me neither, Sports Man!

47--A tearjerking commercial for Columbus, GA. If you visit Columbus, GA you can visit a historic district, a Civil War naval museum and a community college!

48--Golf.

49--Golf

50--A commercial for Peptobismol makes me distinctly uncomfortable.

51--The #16 video of 2008, according to VH1, is a song by Jordin Sparks that I have never ever heard before!

52--I just saw a commercial that mildly amused me. A couple checks into a hotel, and the man goes, "Hey honey, two shampoos! Two shampoos!" And the woman, nonplussed, responds, "Maybe they're just trying to buy you off so that you'll write a good review." And the man goes, "It's working! It's working!" Then, fully clothed, he raises his arms above his head and pours the shampoos all over his head.

53--Sports coverage that leads right into an e-harmony ad. Weird. Are sports people on e-harmony?

54--Oh holy shit! The win of the day! A Very Brady Christmas is on ABC Family! This is a 1988 tv movie with all the kids grown up and reunited. Right now grown-up Bobby is trying to convince grown-up Peter that he should marry his girlfriend. And now Peter's girlfriend is talking to one of the Brady sisters who I don't think is a grown-up Marcia, Jan or Cindy. She must be a replacement Brady.

55--It was mildly hard to turn away from the Bradys, but I must press on. Now I'm on a workout infomercial with a lady talking about her "mom pouch" that went away when she bought the exercise program that is now for sale.

56--Aww, the Soup. They are doing a countdown of the best moments of the year. Right now they're showing Cameron Mathison on The View talking about his thong. Television is so weird.

57--Rachael Ray is making something in her overly bright kitchen. Maybe I'm projecting, because I know how much she does, but she looks exhausted.

58--Some people are trying to sell me a bodyshaper by asking me about my back and butt bulge.

59--Some people are building something.

60--Oh my god. The Travel Channel is doing a show about the best bar food across the country, and right now they're featuring Irish nachos. HOW COME I AM NOT WORKING FOR THIS SHOW???????????

61--People have pets. They love their pets. This is a show for those people.

62--A cartoon with aliens! Do the cartoons for kids come on earlier than 10 a.m.? I really do worry for the kids. Not that the kids should be watching television, but, you know.

63--Talking animals. It's kind of a cartoon.

64--Oh, apparently I get the Disney Channel. I had no idea. An annoying band is singing me a song that mentions every single winter holiday.

65--On TV Land, they're telling me I don't need to watch the ball drop on New Year's Eve. Instead, I should watch Lucille Ball drop. During their I Love Lucy New Year's Eve marathon. I find that mildly amusing.

66--A Clint Eastwood movie is on AMC.

68--Some redneck is doing stand-up comedy and the crowd is Eating. It. Up.

69--How many channels do I get? I'm tired

70--Aww, it's the end of Serendipity, one of John Cusack's finest roles! But unfortunately, it's the very very end, so I missed all the endearing moments. Nick Drake is starting to play, and John Cusack is giving a wistfully happy and relieved look. Luckily I own this movie on DVD and I don't have to be too sad that I missed it.

71--Another weird claymation stop motion thing. I guess traditional animation is dead.

72--Commercials for nothing interesting.

73--Infomercials en espanol!

74--Zales is having a z-sale. And some kids are making Rice Krispy treats. It's a black-and-white commercial with only the Rice Krispy treats in color.

75--A show with cars and girls with big butts.

76--Wrestling with lady wrestlers. I don't like the lady wrestlers. I like ladies being the managers and knowing their place, which is the side of the ring.

79--A weird show about murder on the Oxygen network. It's too creepy to watch. If it's on Oxygen, does that mean the wife did it?

104--Book tv features an annoying lady. If she can write a book, then I can, I think.

I finally reach the upper limits of the cable package and return to the lower numbers.

2--Old people are telling me I can make something. The project involves scissors but I can't for the life of me tell what they're making.

3--Oh dear, a commercial for the Walt Disney World Christmas Day Parade tells me that I'm going to be able to spend Christmas morning with Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Regis and Kelly, and Ryan Seacrest. Merry Christmas to me, I guess.

4--A show called Teen Kids News. Apparently an issue that interests teens is learning to speak English via songs on Ipods.

5--Do moderate exercise at a moderate intensity, says one woman!

6--This looks like some sort of cartoon/educational program combo and it freaks me out.

7--some lady lost 30 pounds with an exercise program that I can buy if I want to! I think I saw this lady on another infomercial this morning.

8--A show about bunnies! The narrator speaks slowly, so it must be for very small children.

9--Back to my enemies at the Early Show.

Well, having taken a bit less than an hour to satisfy myself that there is absolutely nothing on television at this hour, I guess I can move on to my massive to-do list. Nothing like bad television to make errands look like fun.