57 channels (and nothing on)

This weekend I had to sit around and wait for the Comcast man, but boy oh boy, was that time well worth it! Now I have cable and (legal) internet! That means I no longer have to curl up in the one corner of my apartment trying to pick up a signal. I’m writing this sentence in my bedroom!

And this sentence in my kitchen!

And I’m writing this in my bathroom!

And this sentence is brought to you from my deck.

But anyways, now I’m settled in on the couch. God bless my router. Other than a serendipitous 5-hour Project Runway marathon that got me all caught up on what’s been happening the past few weeks, I haven’t really had time to play around with the cable and see what’s there. So we’re gonna do that now, together. I did this once before, when I was desperate for daily content (http://iwiggleitjustalittlebit.blogspot.com/2007/08/i-probably-should-have-read-book.html). Let’s see how it shakes out in a different city. Starting time: 9:03 p.m.

2--a guy is singing a song about how much he loves God in front of a picture of praying hands, and behind the picture appears to be a bunch of cubicles with people at work. Do they know about the singing guy? It’s hard to tell.

3--Dance War with Carrie Ann and Bruno. When I lived with my parents, they got me pretty hooked on Dancing with the Stars. As much as I enjoyed the judging of Bruno, I had no desire to watch this show. Although right now Bruno is wearing a cowboy hat! That’s so adorable! What other headgear have I been missing? Also, this is the week where they’re going to announce the new contestants of Dancing With the Stars! But after only a moment I can tell this show is too annoying to stick around and wait for the announcement. I’ll google it later.

4—Terminator the Sarah Conner Chronicles. I should probably point out that it’s not like I could have identified this by myself, but my cable has one of those things where it flashes up the name of the program when I change the channel. Terminator is a pretty good movie. Not so good that I’d watch a tv show based on it. Does anyone remember the short-lived television show based on A League of Their Own? I didn’t think so, and if that show can’t make it, neither will this one.

5—Here is a church service.

6—It’s a commercial for Disney World and/or Disney Land. Man that small child sure looks happy.

7—“Shaft” is on the channel Peachtree TV, which is a channel I have been watching the past few weeks because I could pick it up with only an antenna. It’s a weird channel. It shows movies and tv shows at random times. Wait…Christian Bale is in Shaft?!

8—PBS is talking about Native Americans and the skills they provided the white man.

9—Two and a Half Men is on CBS. I don’t know what it is about this show, BUT IT IS ALWAYS ON WHEN I HAVE TURNED ON THE TV LATELY. Seriously. Did it just go into syndication, or have they just been showing it a lot because of the writers’ strike?

10—This is a Pussycat Dolls episode that is entitled “Let’s get girlilicious” which is a phrase I’m going to try to work into more conversations. I guess any noun followed by –licious is pretty good. Bloggylicious. Odorlicious. Nilla waferlicious.

11—Bible reading by a guy sitting at what looks like some weird Ikea table.

12—Brooke Shields is trying to sell me toothpaste. I find Brooke Shields mildly annoying.

13—This is a makeup commercial with…Brooke Shields?! No, I’m joking. That would be too crazy a coincidence. It’s just Leeza Gibbons.

14—A soap opera in Spanish. The guy looks very sensitive and heartbroken. Oh no now he’s crying! The girl is just walking away. What do you think happened between them?

15—America’s Funniest Home Videos. This show really does have a catchy theme song. But this clip is from 1994, and Bob Saget is not hosting. So that means that the show probably held onto it for a few years and then was like, eh, it’s funny enough, I guess.

16—Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth. Hmm. I can’t tell how close we are to the famous Colin Firth dripping wet scene. It’s the age old question, should I stay or should I go?

17—You are always approved for credit at Nissan South! They’re certainly not losing any money on this crappy ad!

18—A firefighter is talking about getting a cancer screening.

19—This looks like a public access channel about getting on Medicare in Georgia.

20—Another public access channel showing a woman doing ballet by herself in a castle. She is really not utilizing all the castle space available to her. Dance, girl! There’s tons of room in that banquet hall! Wait, now there’s an orchestra. Are they in the castle too? I can’t tell. Okay now they got more dancers in that banquet hall. That makes me feel better.

21—Some public government channel. Something about civil rights and hip-hop, but not as exciting as it sounds.

22—Oh my God, some Bible show about how Katrina was designed by a secret society to kill black people. But God saved them. What?

23—We finally get to a shopping network…I was starting to think I got more religious channels than shopping channels. They are selling a gross yellow sweater. Four easy payments of $11.04.

24—An Atlanta City Council meeting. They have a nice room for their meetings.

25—TV guide channel! I better not peek ahead!

29—Shopping channel selling a treadmill. This treadmill totally changed this woman’s life!

30—Hillary Clinton is talking to people in Wisconsin. Look, maybe this deserves its own entry, but I am having recurring dreams about Barack Obama. We just sit there and talk, that’s about it. This weekend I dreamt that I was running for president also, but I wanted to drop out, and I had all these delegates to give away, and I really wanted to surprise Barack Obama and give them to him. I guess I was dreaming I was John Edwards.

31—Weather Channel. Give me some words Weather Channel! I have no idea what that color-coded map means!

33—These people have a lot of kids and they’re just talking about feeding them.

34—Larry King is talking to a panel of people about I don’t know what. But I think he has too many people on the panel.

35—Headline News is on, but I don’t see any presidential candidates, so I’m switching.

36—Boring commercials.

37—There’s Barack! People are fainting at his rallies. But this is Fox News so that’s probably somehow going to be bad for Barack.

38—These people are going to try to stop a girl from taking pills.

39—Family Guy. One time I saw the voice of Lois (Alex Borstein) at a coffee shop in Seattle.

40—A commercial for the DVD of Rendition, which didn’t get very good reviews, but it does have Jake Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgard and Reese Witherspoon. So probably worth a rental.

41—Law & Order. I don’t watch this show.

42—Wrestling! The favorite show of my youth.

43—I don’t know, and the show description is not helpful.

44—Hockey. Detroit: 4, Colorado: 0.

45—College basketball. La Salle: 75, St. Joseph’s: 79

46—College basketball. Texas A&M: 11, Texas: 23. If you can’t mess with Texas, who messes with who in this scenario?

47—World series of poker…from 2004! Whatever happened to that poker show on Bravo? Is that still on?

48—I can’t tell what this is.

49—Golf…from 2004! Why are all these sports from 2004? Don’t we have enough current sports?

50—boring commercial for a mop. I mean a Swiffer. It’s not a very clear commercial.

51—Flavor Flav!

52—Commercial for cell phones that integrates skateboarding.

53—College football from 2001! Wake Forest: 14, Chapel Hill: 31. I guess google it if you want to find out what happened SEVEN YEARS AGO.

54—I don’t know.

55—Lifetime movie that appears to be about motivating a young girls’ track team.

56—A commercial about getting a sports channel. A good selling point would be mentioning whether your games are current or from four to seven years ago.

57—Oh they are showing how they bottle juice. Oh maybe marmalade. That’s what they just said. It’s a fruit product.

58—Car commercial with cute boy. No, wait. Never mind.

59—A commercial for contemporary furniture. It is about as boring as it sounds.

60—A guy is trying to live with a tribe of creepy people. Uh, I can’t tell anymore cause it’s freaking me out and I’m switching. Thanks Travel Channel.

61—They’re doing something with a dog. Oh my God can you believe how many channels I have?

62—This is the Cartoon Network, a show called “my gym partner is a monkey.” They seem to narrate in rhyme.

63—Home Improvement. What an annoying show.

64—A guy in a space suit is going to fly over a football field? I have no idea what’s going on. But I think he wishes he was on the football team?

65—Designing Women, post Delta Burke.

66—The Godfather. I should watch this movie again sometime. But not right now.

67—South Park. I’ve never really gotten into this show.

69—Oh my God, Gone with the Wind is on Turner Classic Movies! It’s the greatest feeling ever to stumble onto Gone with the Wind on television, even if you own it on both tape and DVD. Okay this is motivation to finish this little exercise up fast and get back to Scarlett. They’re playing the intermission music so I have plenty of time. Oh there’s still so much good stuff to come. Ok let’s get going.

70—Project Runway. As I mentioned, I watched this over the weekend. I pick Christian to win it all. Although I do like Rami and I don’t care if he makes the same outfit every week.

71—Martin Lawrence.

72—Don’t know, don’t care, gotta get back to GWTW.

73—A guy in the snow talking in Spanish.

74—A Star Trek.

75—I think it is a channel all about cars.

78—A CSI. I have never watched this show

79—Natalie Portman movie.

80—CSPAN-2. Wait, where was CSPAN 1?

106—something about Best Buy. The store.

Okay, now I’m getting into some channels that it says are unavailable to me. I think I also have some music channels, and I have OnDemand, which I don’t really understand and will have to explore at a later time. The point is, I have plenty of good entertainment at my disposal now. But right now I have to return to the greatest film of all time. Robert E. Lee just surrendered. Didn't see that coming! Plant more cotton, Scarlett! Cotton oughta go sky-high next year!