Oscars Hour 2: Things are semi-interesting.

Hour Two begins with Owen Wilson presenting an award. Then we have Jerry Seinfeld as a bee presenting an award. Oh! John Steinbeck just got one right in the pool, picking “Peter and the Wolf” to win Best Short Film-Animated over more entertainingly named animated short films such as “I Met the Walrus,” “All Pigeons Go to Heaven,” and “Madame Tutli-Putli.”

Okay, we’re about to do Best Supporting Actress. Enjoy this, people, because we won’t have another truly entertaining award with a celebrity winner for awhile. Unless people who do sound editing and mixing are celebrities to you. Hmm. Tilda Swinton pulls out an upset. I don’t want to be too mean here, and I know she’s very avant-garde and outside Hollywood, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that she also wins an award for ugliest dress.

One year I’d like to be asked to host the scientific and technical awards, held in a separate ceremony.

Man, when you’re hosting an Oscar party with inanimate objects, all you do is eat! Because no one is there to help you eat.

Wouldn’t you feel bad if you were the uncreative Coen sibling?

Look, I’m perfectly willing to understand the role Miley Cyrus plays in entertaining today’s youth. BUT GET HER OFF THE OSCARS. She is climbing up the charts of my Hollywood nemeses. She can’t beat out Jennifer Love Hewitt or Drew Barrymore, but she might be #3 with a bullet.

No one in my pool had The Bourne Ultimatum winning for Sound Editing! Or for sound mixing! Let’s take a moment and look at the Oscar pool score:
Molly—5
Pope John Paul II—3
John Steinbeck—1
The Frog & the Cheerleader—1
Barnabas Bear—4
Abraham Lincoln—4
I hope no one is letting me win because I am the host.

Look, no one wants a 15-minute speech by someone we don’t know, but I hate when they start playing music over people, particularly in an occasion when three people win, and the music starts playing after person #2.

Okay, they’re doing Best Actress a little early in the evening, I guess to throw the viewers a bone, but it kind of make it seems like they care less about actresses than actors. I mean, we haven’t even done documentary awards and they’re going to do Best Actress?! Marion Cotillard wins and is very emotional. I think I would have been happy with any of them winning. Although if I ever win, I’m never going to say, “Thank you life, thank you love,” even if I don’t speak the language very well.

Well, we are over halfway done now, if you take into account the number of awards to be given out. How much time is left? Only God knows.

Are you bored yet? My guests the Frog and the Cheerleader have been bored the whole night. As I mentioned in the intro, they’re the kind of people who just come to an Oscar party to socialize, not to pay strict attention to what is going on. Here they are chatting up the frog cookie jar in my kitchen.



Jon Stewart plays Wii with the girl who sang the song from “August Rush.” Nice.

Where are you going with this, Jack Nicholson? OH, a tribute to Best Picture. Based on my count, I have seen 53 of them, although some of them I barely remember and perhaps should see again. And so ends Hour 2.