Oscars, Hour One: And so it begins

Okay it’s starting. Before the show I read a blog where the producer said that the first 90 seconds of the show would be the most exciting film that the Oscars had ever shown. What could it be? Well, it seems animated. It’s lots of characters from lots of different movies. I mean, it didn’t blow me away. I wouldn’t give it an Oscar or anything. If that was supposed to be the most exciting 90 seconds, then it’s going to be a long night.

And here comes Jon Stewart, to perform the most thankless task in Hollywood. But Daniel Day-Lewis is just eating it up! Tommy Lee Jones, however, not amused, but I have to agree with him that Javier Bardem hair jokes are getting a little old. In talking about Diablo Cody’s background as a stripper, Jon Stewart reminds us that we can find out our stripper name by taking the name of our first pet and the street we grew up on. Fun fact: my stripper name is Ralph Poplar.

Alright, it’s time for award, and Jennifer Garner is going to give it out. I am so glad the writer’s strike is over so that we get a well-written blurb about all that goes into being a fashion designer! So far Abraham Lincoln and I are tied in the Oscar pool. It’s time for a commercial already?! I have Oscar fever. Don’t stop now!

First montage of the night coming 19 minutes in. All the old favorites—Jack Palance’s one-armed push-ups, Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White, the Titanic song plays in the background. God I know these are silly but I can’t help it, I love a good montage.

I’m not going to lie, I had Norbit for Best Makeup, because I thought that Oscar voters had a sense of humor and would appreciate the idea of giving Norbit an Oscar. But nope, they go with La Vie en Rose. Marion Cotillard is incredibly overwhelmed.

I know that Broadway stars do this all the time, but I have a lot more respect for Amy Adams watching her sing a song from Enchanted live while billions of people watch.

Oh my God, my favorite commercial is on. It’s the commercial where the little kid eats McDonald’s while “Cha Cha Slide” plays. Here, I found it on YouTube so we can all enjoy it as often we want:

I wish we could give that little kid an Oscar!

Here is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to make someone’s dream come true! With the win of “The Golden Compass” for visual effects, Abraham Lincoln pulls into the lead. He has not looked up from his book the entire time the show has been on!

I had Javier Bardem in the pool, but don’t you feel kind of bad about him winning seeing Hal Holbrook and Dixie Carter in the audience? Oh, but then don’t you feel even worse that the camera cuts to Tommy Lee Jones and he’s not even paying attention to his co-star? He’s playing with his cufflink! Get with it Tommy Lee. I know Javier is speaking in Spanish but this is supposed to be meaningful.

So far John Steinbeck has not gotten anything right in the pool. Here he is with the other guys, helping me with all the ballots:


Jon Stewart is mocking montages, saying that if the writer’s strike had continued, we would have gotten a montage to binoculars and periscopes. I know it’s a joke, but not too bad a montage. “Bad Dreams: An Oscar Salute”…love it.

A stirring song from “August Rush” ends hour 1. Only 17 hours to go! Don’t you love jokes about how long the Oscars are?!