As many of us prepare to engage in a smorgasbord of food tomorrow, I thought I'd share my most memorable Thanksgiving, so that all of you would have the memory as well. I was in elementary school, maybe in the third or fourth grade (I realize for being so memorable, I'm starting out a little fuzzy on the details).
For a school writing assignment, we had to write about Thanksgiving. I wrote a simply heartwarming piece about how much I loved the traditions of my family's Thanksgiving. How my grandmother cooked, and all the food we had, and how it was simply a day for staying home and being with family and eating. I must have used the word tradition three times in every sentence.
After I turned in the assignment, my parents dealt me a horrible blow. We would not be having our traditional, stay-at-home Thanksgiving that year. Instead, we'd be spending Thanksgiving in Savannah. I felt like such a little liar, telling my teacher that these were my traditions and they would always be that way. But I was slightly heartened by the thought of going to the Juliette Gordon Low home. For a young Girl Scout such as myself, such a trip would be the equivalent of Mecca.
So off we started driving. We got to Savannah pretty late at night, and my dad asked my mom if she wanted to keep driving. I thought that was kind of weird, because we were where we were supposed to be. We did end up stopping, because, as I recall, Barbara Walters was interviewing Kathie Lee Gifford on television that night, and that was something my mother and I wanted to see. I watched Kathie Lee and went to sleep, excited by the possibility of seeing the birthplace of Girl Scouting.
The next morning, my parents woke my brothers and me with the kind of news that should make any child's heart jump for joy. We would not be spending Thanksgiving in Savannah after all, but we would be continuing on to Disney World, where we would share a condo with one of my dad's school friends and his family. My brothers started jumping around. I was kind of morose. "Does that mean we're not going to Juliette Gordon Low's house?" I asked. I wasn't quite sure yet that a fair trade was being struck.
But on to Disney World we went, and of course it was magical. We went to all the parks and tricked my mom into riding Splash Mountain because we told her that the part where it looks like people get wet was just a mirror. There were no crowds and few lines because it was Thanksgiving. We played Scattergories for the first time with the other family. For Thanksgiving dinner, we went to some buffet and the only downside was I tried some pumpkin pie and it made me gag. It wasn't traditional, but it was a great Thanksgiving.
What comes to my mind as I look back on this memory? First of all, I'm really lucky that I have the kind of parents that plan surprise trips to Disney World, something that seems particularly wonderful when viewed through today's lens of families not being able to make ends meet, let alone go on vacation. I was really lucky in terms of family vacations. Second, I learned that traditions can change and result in a holiday no less wonderful. Third, sometimes it's okay to make things up for a school writing assignment, and I probably shouldn't have felt so bad about lying. Lastly, I'm reminded that I have some unfinished business in Savannah. I still have got to go to that Juliette Gordon Low house.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
a word from our sponsors
I saw a commercial this morning while I was getting ready for work that made me mad. It showed a bunch of flight attendants gathered around a sick flight attendant. This flight attendant looked so sick that I thought she was going to die in the air. "I'll be okay by morning," the flight attendant bravely whimpers, and I, the viewer, fully expected this to be a commercial about dying from tuberculosis. But no, then another flight attendant gives her some Vicks and she's bright and sunny and serving coffee the next morning.
I don't mind that she got better. I mind that even though she is probably still contagious, she's serving drinks to passengers on a plane. That is how epidemics start, lady.
So anyways, here are some other commercials that have really gotten my goat in recent months:
--Remember when Katie Holmes was going to be on the ABC show "Eli Stone"? And they promoted the hell out of it? I really thought I was going to shoot myself everytime Eli said to Katie Holmes, "I think I was meant to meet you," and Katie Holmes said in her ridiculous way, "Lucky me." Does anyone watch that show? Any chance Katie Holmes' character died during the episode? Because if she's coming back, I should get rid of my tv now.
--There's a Just for Men commercial in which two little girls go up to their father and say, "Dad, it's time for you to move on," or something like that. Then they make him dye his hair. Cut to the young-looking dad out with a pretty lady much younger than he. The dad and his lady friend take a cell phone picture of themselves eating, and send it to the little girls, who apparently are home alone without a babysitter. They high-five, I guess to celebrate the fact that their dad is no longer sad about their dead mom, and maybe soon they will get a new mom, but have they ever seen The Sound of Music? What if that new mom just waits to get a ring on her finger before she ships them off to boarding school? This commercials freaks me the fuck out.
--Speaking of freaking me out, there's this commercial for the toilet paper that those cartoon bears endorse. In one version of this commercial, the bear gets toilet paper stuck to his ass. And the mama bear gives him some of the preferred toilet paper and everything is better. But…I mean….a bear got toilet paper stuck on his bum? Why couldn't they have picked another thing about toilet paper to highlight?
--I don't like anything that has a song about Viagra in it.
--I also don't like commercials where "real teens" talk about how embarrassing their acne was and how much happier they are now that they use an acne product. Because it should be no less embarrassing to be on a commercial talking about how well your acne product works.
--The Kroger prescription lady. We have this grocery store called Kroger and you can get cheap prescriptions at their pharmacy. I know because there's this commercial with a lady who meanders up an aisle toward the camera, all the while talking about how hard she's working to save money for her family, which is why she gets her prescriptions filled at Kroger. It would be quite admirable if she wasn't pushing around a grocery cart that is FILLED TO THE BRIM. Seriously, she must have $600 worth of merchandise in there. Surely if she's on a budget she wouldn't be buying so much? Also, on top of her cart are two jugs of milk. Maybe it's just me, but as soon as I have milk in my cart, I like to race toward the check-out aisle and get home. I don't like my milk to be unrefrigerated for very long. I like to protect it from the elements.
--Obviously, no one likes internet ads, but let me highlight a website that does internet ads particularly badly: USA Today. Look, USA Today, as far as I'm aware. "Interstitial" means that when you do something that takes you between sites, an ad comes up. What you do, when you separate your own articles with an ad, is technically "intrastitial." I know times are tough in print media but you have too many ads between all your articles.
But you know those annoying internet ads that promise you a free ipod if you identify a ridiculously obvious picture? Usually I'm kinda immune to those, but recently I clicked on one because it said that I would get a free ipod if I tickled the fat kid til he barfed. Sure enough, there was a cartoon fat kid and my cursor had turned into a feather and I tickled him like twice and he threw up all over cyberspace. It was sort of a sweet, uplifting, and perfect internet experience.
Alright, to keep this entry from being a total downer, I figure I better highlight some commercials that I actually do like, or at least ones I can tolerate:
--Remember when Neil Patrick Harris sold Old Spice because he was a fake tv doctor? That still makes me giggle.
--Mr. Opportunity. While I wish he would stop knocking on my tv screen to an annoying sound effect, because if I'm not paying attention to the TV I start looking around for what made that sound, I do find him weirdly attractive.
--Pretty much any shampoo commercial makes me feel good about being a girl.
--Flex's Atlanta specific commercials. So there's this car called the Flex. To highlight what a cool car it would be for a trendy young person in the Atlanta area, there were these commercials in which people drove the Flex to hip Atlanta spots. It started with the kids going to an art gallery and they likened the things they saw to how beautiful the Flex is. Then in another commercial, they went to dinner at a fun place and talked about how the Flex has a compartment that keeps sushi cold or something weird like that. Then in the last commercial they go bowling and they talk about how fun bowling is and also how fun the Flex is. I became OBSESSED with these commercials because I didn't want to miss any of the stops on their journey and the weird associations it brought up with the Flex. If I find out I missed any of the commercials, I might have a meltdown. If you live in an urban area that also has specific Flex commercials, could you let me know? Where did the Flex go in your town?
And lastly, my all-time favorite commercial is one from my childhood in which the harried blonde mom makes Rice Krispy treats, because she loves her family so darn much. But making Rice Krispy treats is so darn easy that she has time to read a romance novel and make out with Snap, Crackle AND Pop. Then she puts flour on her face to show how hard she's been working. As a result of this commercial I thought most hard-core cooking was supposed to end with someone getting flour on his or her face.
Here, I found the commercial. Watch it and you'll really have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
I don't mind that she got better. I mind that even though she is probably still contagious, she's serving drinks to passengers on a plane. That is how epidemics start, lady.
So anyways, here are some other commercials that have really gotten my goat in recent months:
--Remember when Katie Holmes was going to be on the ABC show "Eli Stone"? And they promoted the hell out of it? I really thought I was going to shoot myself everytime Eli said to Katie Holmes, "I think I was meant to meet you," and Katie Holmes said in her ridiculous way, "Lucky me." Does anyone watch that show? Any chance Katie Holmes' character died during the episode? Because if she's coming back, I should get rid of my tv now.
--There's a Just for Men commercial in which two little girls go up to their father and say, "Dad, it's time for you to move on," or something like that. Then they make him dye his hair. Cut to the young-looking dad out with a pretty lady much younger than he. The dad and his lady friend take a cell phone picture of themselves eating, and send it to the little girls, who apparently are home alone without a babysitter. They high-five, I guess to celebrate the fact that their dad is no longer sad about their dead mom, and maybe soon they will get a new mom, but have they ever seen The Sound of Music? What if that new mom just waits to get a ring on her finger before she ships them off to boarding school? This commercials freaks me the fuck out.
--Speaking of freaking me out, there's this commercial for the toilet paper that those cartoon bears endorse. In one version of this commercial, the bear gets toilet paper stuck to his ass. And the mama bear gives him some of the preferred toilet paper and everything is better. But…I mean….a bear got toilet paper stuck on his bum? Why couldn't they have picked another thing about toilet paper to highlight?
--I don't like anything that has a song about Viagra in it.
--I also don't like commercials where "real teens" talk about how embarrassing their acne was and how much happier they are now that they use an acne product. Because it should be no less embarrassing to be on a commercial talking about how well your acne product works.
--The Kroger prescription lady. We have this grocery store called Kroger and you can get cheap prescriptions at their pharmacy. I know because there's this commercial with a lady who meanders up an aisle toward the camera, all the while talking about how hard she's working to save money for her family, which is why she gets her prescriptions filled at Kroger. It would be quite admirable if she wasn't pushing around a grocery cart that is FILLED TO THE BRIM. Seriously, she must have $600 worth of merchandise in there. Surely if she's on a budget she wouldn't be buying so much? Also, on top of her cart are two jugs of milk. Maybe it's just me, but as soon as I have milk in my cart, I like to race toward the check-out aisle and get home. I don't like my milk to be unrefrigerated for very long. I like to protect it from the elements.
--Obviously, no one likes internet ads, but let me highlight a website that does internet ads particularly badly: USA Today. Look, USA Today, as far as I'm aware. "Interstitial" means that when you do something that takes you between sites, an ad comes up. What you do, when you separate your own articles with an ad, is technically "intrastitial." I know times are tough in print media but you have too many ads between all your articles.
But you know those annoying internet ads that promise you a free ipod if you identify a ridiculously obvious picture? Usually I'm kinda immune to those, but recently I clicked on one because it said that I would get a free ipod if I tickled the fat kid til he barfed. Sure enough, there was a cartoon fat kid and my cursor had turned into a feather and I tickled him like twice and he threw up all over cyberspace. It was sort of a sweet, uplifting, and perfect internet experience.
Alright, to keep this entry from being a total downer, I figure I better highlight some commercials that I actually do like, or at least ones I can tolerate:
--Remember when Neil Patrick Harris sold Old Spice because he was a fake tv doctor? That still makes me giggle.
--Mr. Opportunity. While I wish he would stop knocking on my tv screen to an annoying sound effect, because if I'm not paying attention to the TV I start looking around for what made that sound, I do find him weirdly attractive.
--Pretty much any shampoo commercial makes me feel good about being a girl.
--Flex's Atlanta specific commercials. So there's this car called the Flex. To highlight what a cool car it would be for a trendy young person in the Atlanta area, there were these commercials in which people drove the Flex to hip Atlanta spots. It started with the kids going to an art gallery and they likened the things they saw to how beautiful the Flex is. Then in another commercial, they went to dinner at a fun place and talked about how the Flex has a compartment that keeps sushi cold or something weird like that. Then in the last commercial they go bowling and they talk about how fun bowling is and also how fun the Flex is. I became OBSESSED with these commercials because I didn't want to miss any of the stops on their journey and the weird associations it brought up with the Flex. If I find out I missed any of the commercials, I might have a meltdown. If you live in an urban area that also has specific Flex commercials, could you let me know? Where did the Flex go in your town?
And lastly, my all-time favorite commercial is one from my childhood in which the harried blonde mom makes Rice Krispy treats, because she loves her family so darn much. But making Rice Krispy treats is so darn easy that she has time to read a romance novel and make out with Snap, Crackle AND Pop. Then she puts flour on her face to show how hard she's been working. As a result of this commercial I thought most hard-core cooking was supposed to end with someone getting flour on his or her face.
Here, I found the commercial. Watch it and you'll really have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Book #10: Bowl of Cherries
The book: Bowl of Cherries by Millard Kaufman
What is this book about: It's about a young man's journey from graduate school at age 14 to a remote corner of Iraq, where he's trying to find out what holds bricks of manure together. Probably from that sentence you can guess that this book is full of zany characters doing and saying zany things, and your guess is correct. Also, the book switches back and forth in time, with the narrator in an Iraqi prision, about to be impaled to death, to the story of the life that got him there in the first place.
Why did I read this book: I needed something to read and this book happened to be nearby.
What did I think of this book: This very easily could have been a book that I despised, and to be fair, the ending of it is a rip-off, almost as if the author decided that he'd written enough pages and it was time to go home. But what do you expect? The author is in his nineties. Anyways, I could have hated this book, because I do think it relies too much on manufactured zaniness and fanciful language, but as it was, I enjoyed it. I didn't think too hard about it, and as a result I got pretty carried away by the story and pretty charmed by some of the characters. I will add that for being a book written by a guy in his nineties, it had an awful lot of sex in it. My oh my, old man.
What was my favorite part of this book: There were some funny sentences that made me chuckle, but I don't have the book in front of me right now, so those sentences will be lost to history.
What did I learn from this book: Even 90-year-olds can write fairly decent novels.
What grade do I give this book: B-, except the ending, which rankled me and as a result receives a C-.
What is this book about: It's about a young man's journey from graduate school at age 14 to a remote corner of Iraq, where he's trying to find out what holds bricks of manure together. Probably from that sentence you can guess that this book is full of zany characters doing and saying zany things, and your guess is correct. Also, the book switches back and forth in time, with the narrator in an Iraqi prision, about to be impaled to death, to the story of the life that got him there in the first place.
Why did I read this book: I needed something to read and this book happened to be nearby.
What did I think of this book: This very easily could have been a book that I despised, and to be fair, the ending of it is a rip-off, almost as if the author decided that he'd written enough pages and it was time to go home. But what do you expect? The author is in his nineties. Anyways, I could have hated this book, because I do think it relies too much on manufactured zaniness and fanciful language, but as it was, I enjoyed it. I didn't think too hard about it, and as a result I got pretty carried away by the story and pretty charmed by some of the characters. I will add that for being a book written by a guy in his nineties, it had an awful lot of sex in it. My oh my, old man.
What was my favorite part of this book: There were some funny sentences that made me chuckle, but I don't have the book in front of me right now, so those sentences will be lost to history.
What did I learn from this book: Even 90-year-olds can write fairly decent novels.
What grade do I give this book: B-, except the ending, which rankled me and as a result receives a C-.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
an unacceptable practice
I don't like to talk about work on my blog but I must tell you about something distressing that has taken place in the office. It concerns the vending machine. We have a small little vending machine in the break room. It is nothing fancy and usually it has some combination of trail mix, nuts, crackers and candy for sale. It sits on the counter and you can see into it. They probably just buy the stuff that goes in there at a bulk food place and restock it as necessary. Items are priced at 50 cents which is actually pretty reasonable for a pack of M&M's.
Now, the vending machine is not something I really rely upon at work. I have used it approximately four times in almost a year when I just got too hungry and needed the aforementioned bag of M&M's. So I don’t really know if I have a bone to pick in this fight. But something disturbing has happened with the way the vending machine is stocked. You know how each column of a vending machine has the merchandise, and when that column is selected, by turning a lever or inputting numbers on a digital thing, a mechanism releases the merchandise found in that column? Well, someone has gone through and ALTERNATED the merchandise available in one given column.
This means you only have a 50 percent chance of getting what you want. The column normally reserved for Snickers now has Snickers alternating with Paydays. I can see why this might have happened -- both have nuts -- but Snickers have CHOCOLATE thus making them completely different than Paydays. And the M&M's are alternated with Reese's peanut butter cups. While I like both candies, I usually have a craving for one or the other.
Now, upon first inspection, I thought maybe the vending machine dispensed from the front, so that you could wait to procure a snack until your desired item was in view. Though of course that would be an inconvenient wait for anyone dying for a Snickers. How many people buy Paydays in a given day anyway? It seems like you'd spend a lot of time just waiting around in the breakroom asking people if they wanted a Payday. Or you could suck it up, buy both and save the other item for later. But we're in a recession, people! We might not always have a dollar in quarters to spare for 2 food items. How decadent.
But actually, the vending machine is not even as easy as waiting for your favorite item to be displayed! The vending machine dispenses from the back! Which means you can't even see what's next on deck back there. It will be a total surprise! I do not like this system at all, even though I did manage to get M&M's and that's what I wanted.
I suppose I could speak to the office manager about this. He was probably only trying to offer more variety. But I tend to avoid confrontation and would prefer that he find this entry through Google and determine on his own that I am probably talking about him.
Now, the vending machine is not something I really rely upon at work. I have used it approximately four times in almost a year when I just got too hungry and needed the aforementioned bag of M&M's. So I don’t really know if I have a bone to pick in this fight. But something disturbing has happened with the way the vending machine is stocked. You know how each column of a vending machine has the merchandise, and when that column is selected, by turning a lever or inputting numbers on a digital thing, a mechanism releases the merchandise found in that column? Well, someone has gone through and ALTERNATED the merchandise available in one given column.
This means you only have a 50 percent chance of getting what you want. The column normally reserved for Snickers now has Snickers alternating with Paydays. I can see why this might have happened -- both have nuts -- but Snickers have CHOCOLATE thus making them completely different than Paydays. And the M&M's are alternated with Reese's peanut butter cups. While I like both candies, I usually have a craving for one or the other.
Now, upon first inspection, I thought maybe the vending machine dispensed from the front, so that you could wait to procure a snack until your desired item was in view. Though of course that would be an inconvenient wait for anyone dying for a Snickers. How many people buy Paydays in a given day anyway? It seems like you'd spend a lot of time just waiting around in the breakroom asking people if they wanted a Payday. Or you could suck it up, buy both and save the other item for later. But we're in a recession, people! We might not always have a dollar in quarters to spare for 2 food items. How decadent.
But actually, the vending machine is not even as easy as waiting for your favorite item to be displayed! The vending machine dispenses from the back! Which means you can't even see what's next on deck back there. It will be a total surprise! I do not like this system at all, even though I did manage to get M&M's and that's what I wanted.
I suppose I could speak to the office manager about this. He was probably only trying to offer more variety. But I tend to avoid confrontation and would prefer that he find this entry through Google and determine on his own that I am probably talking about him.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Sorry I ignored my blog for two weeks
I didn't blog for 14 whole days! I'm sorry! But now you have 14 new entries, one to mark each blogless day, so that should keep you busy for awhile.
The truth of the matter is I have no good reason for ignoring my blogging duties for 14 days except I did have to take some time off of work due to sickness. I had some feverish dreams that I thought might be worth getting up and typing out for the blog, like this one dream about walking in a rainy park and looking at statues of the Virgin Mary. Also I had a dream about shooting moose. And a dream that I swam with sardines in the ocean, and when I looked up from under the water, I could see planets. I had a dream that Regis Philbin danced with cheerleaders while I ate a porkchop sandwich. I had another dream about seeing Death himself walk over a bridge and another dream about hot wings. But other people's dreams are boring and maybe I only think mine were weird and interesting because I had a fever.
But anyways, fear not, dear readers. The blog is back in full swing and while there may be a recession going on, it won't hit this blog. Rather, this blog will fight the recession. There will be a surplus of blogs. There will be so many blog entries that your eyes will bleed. So many blog entries that you will cry and beg for mercy and say, "No, please, Molly, don't write so many blogs. I can't keep up!" But I will not heed your pleas and I will keep right on blogging. There will be so many blogs that you have to get glasses and a personal assistant to do your "day job" because your real job will be reading my innermost thoughts and hilarious observations. I hope the top thing on your Christmas list (or Hanukkah list, or Kwanza list, or whatever) is MORE BLOGS because that's what you're getting.
The truth of the matter is I have no good reason for ignoring my blogging duties for 14 days except I did have to take some time off of work due to sickness. I had some feverish dreams that I thought might be worth getting up and typing out for the blog, like this one dream about walking in a rainy park and looking at statues of the Virgin Mary. Also I had a dream about shooting moose. And a dream that I swam with sardines in the ocean, and when I looked up from under the water, I could see planets. I had a dream that Regis Philbin danced with cheerleaders while I ate a porkchop sandwich. I had another dream about seeing Death himself walk over a bridge and another dream about hot wings. But other people's dreams are boring and maybe I only think mine were weird and interesting because I had a fever.
But anyways, fear not, dear readers. The blog is back in full swing and while there may be a recession going on, it won't hit this blog. Rather, this blog will fight the recession. There will be a surplus of blogs. There will be so many blog entries that your eyes will bleed. So many blog entries that you will cry and beg for mercy and say, "No, please, Molly, don't write so many blogs. I can't keep up!" But I will not heed your pleas and I will keep right on blogging. There will be so many blogs that you have to get glasses and a personal assistant to do your "day job" because your real job will be reading my innermost thoughts and hilarious observations. I hope the top thing on your Christmas list (or Hanukkah list, or Kwanza list, or whatever) is MORE BLOGS because that's what you're getting.
Why no blogs? # 14
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4.
The dog ate my homework...I mean blog.
The dog ate my blog.
The dog ate my computer.
The dog ate…me?
So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
The dog ate my homework...I mean blog.
The dog ate my blog.
The dog ate my computer.
The dog ate…me?
So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 13
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I got married! It was a very fast courtship (approx. 3.7 days) before Rudolf and I quietly eloped in the romantic mountain town of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, which is of course world-renowned for its wedding chapels. I would have been happy to stay in Gatlinburg in a quiet cabin with a heart-shaped hot tub and do some outlet shopping, but that's just not Rudolf's way. We went to Las Vegas and went to the casinos. As you may have heard, there are no windows or clocks in casinos so you lose all track of time. So I didn't even know that days were just passing and passing by, though of course I desperately wanted to blog to tell you all the good news about my marriage. Unfortunately the marriage was short-lived as Rudolf had some bad shrimp at a midnight buffet and died in the arms of a showgirl. Since then, I've been in a dark place, deeply mourning a man I kinda knew. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 12
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. My fish Alvin has severe emotional problems and I have had to expend a great deal of effort and time to care for him. He has a fear of abandonment and he thinks I am poisoning his food, so pretty much every time I feed him I have to spend an hour just talking him down from a metaphorical ledge. And whenever I come back from work, I have to spend three hours just making him feel secure again. This is on top of regular fish owning chores such as changing his water, playing his favorite songs at bedtime and worrying about whether I'll come home to find him dead. Having a fish takes a whole lot of time, probably more time than having a kid even. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 11
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4.
I got locked in a restroom stall.
The restroom stall was in a bookstore.
I called for help but no one came.
I'm too scared of germs to get that close to the floor to crawl out under the door, so I just stayed there.
Luckily I disregarded the rules about taking merchandise into the bathroom so I had a book. I read a book about Vietnam. Pretty interesting, but slow going. Even when they found me, 14 days later, I was only about halfway through the book. It's very long.
I was finally found when the growling of my stomach was heard over the folk rock playing in the bookstore.
Sadly, I didn't get anything free out of my ordeal. They did not even give me the book on Vietnam.
So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
I got locked in a restroom stall.
The restroom stall was in a bookstore.
I called for help but no one came.
I'm too scared of germs to get that close to the floor to crawl out under the door, so I just stayed there.
Luckily I disregarded the rules about taking merchandise into the bathroom so I had a book. I read a book about Vietnam. Pretty interesting, but slow going. Even when they found me, 14 days later, I was only about halfway through the book. It's very long.
I was finally found when the growling of my stomach was heard over the folk rock playing in the bookstore.
Sadly, I didn't get anything free out of my ordeal. They did not even give me the book on Vietnam.
So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 10
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. Guys, I am building an awesome castle out of Legos. Not some wimpy Lego castle for a Lego man and his Barbie bride. A real-life people-sized Lego castle. There is going to be a moat, six turrets and a working fireplace in every room.
I had to take a few days off from blogging to buy the land, lay the foundation, and buy 17 million Legos, but now I think I'm going at a pretty good clip and will be able to get more blogs in. Let me know if you have the time to make any of the following out of Legos:
-chandeliers
-corners (for the walls)
-toilet
-heating ducts
-kitchen table
I've been pretty busy on the walls and all the built-in bookcases. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
I had to take a few days off from blogging to buy the land, lay the foundation, and buy 17 million Legos, but now I think I'm going at a pretty good clip and will be able to get more blogs in. Let me know if you have the time to make any of the following out of Legos:
-chandeliers
-corners (for the walls)
-toilet
-heating ducts
-kitchen table
I've been pretty busy on the walls and all the built-in bookcases. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 9
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. On October 27, acclaimed actor Joaquin Phoenix announced he was retiring from acting to focus on music. For a few days I was okay with this decision, because hey, I like music. But the more I thought about it, the more depressed I became. Can you imagine a world in which the guy from Space Camp and Parenthood is not making movies? What about a world where the guy who was nominated for so many awards for roles as varied as Jimmy Emmett and Commodus is not making movies? WOULD JOHNNY CASH GIVE UP MOVIES FOR MUSIC? Well, maybe. He was Johnny Cash. And Joaquin Phoenix played Johnny Cash; ergo, Joaquin Phoenix should give up movies for music.
NO…don't do this, Molly. Don't get distracted by the possibility that this is a good career move. Think of what you will lose!! What if they were to make Ladder 49 tomorrow -- who would play the role of the young guy mentored by John Travolta? Who will be M. Night Shyamalan's go-to guy? Who will play a supporting role in Hotel Rwanda?
So I've just been really depressed, curled in a corner of my apartment, rocking back and forth and watching Reservation Road over and over. Too depressed to do anything else. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
NO…don't do this, Molly. Don't get distracted by the possibility that this is a good career move. Think of what you will lose!! What if they were to make Ladder 49 tomorrow -- who would play the role of the young guy mentored by John Travolta? Who will be M. Night Shyamalan's go-to guy? Who will play a supporting role in Hotel Rwanda?
So I've just been really depressed, curled in a corner of my apartment, rocking back and forth and watching Reservation Road over and over. Too depressed to do anything else. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 8
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I killed a monster. It was a big purple monster 40 stories high and to kill this monster I had to solve a series of puzzles and riddles. Then I had to place a stake dipped into the saliva of a cat into certain places on the monster's body. And it takes a long time to get enough cat saliva for that many stakes. Then I had to pull all the stakes back out and drain the monster's blood. Do you think the monster is sitting still for all this? OF COURSE NOT. So it's a real aerobic workout. Anyways, you let the monster's blood ferment for a few days and then you have it blessed by the pope and then you have it frozen into a giant popsicle and then you have to trick the monster into eating the popsicle, which will kill him. That took awhile, and now I have all my neighbors coming to the door night and day to thank me for finally killing that monster, and I was happy to do it, but they could have at least offered to help, you know? Or at least chip in a little something to defray the costs of killing the monster? Stop bringing me fruitcakes, neighbors. Start bringing me money. Or I might not kill the next monster, if you know what I mean.
So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 7
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I have been going to night school for cosmetology. I thought I would have plenty of time to blog during the day but it turns out there's a lot of homework. But! I have never been more bee-you-tiful. Every day I paint my fingernails a different color, and I paint my toenails a different but complimentary color. I do something time-consuming to my hair every day; examples include perming it, straightening it, and dyeing it. I put on all sorts of sparkly make-up. Then I criticize my work to myself in the mirror until I make myself cry. If my mascara runs, then I have to start ALL OVER. So that's the daytime routine, and then there are the classes all night, so as you can see every minute of the day is pretty well accounted for. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 6
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I was waiting in line to see High School Musical 3. And there was a long line because we all know that the High School Musical thing is really really popular. It was so awesome that I was blinded by awesomeness so then I had to wait in line to see it again. And again and again and again because you guys, it was so sad! It was their senior year! And they dance in the rain? OMG, it was so awesome I might have to stop writing this post right this very second and go see HSM3 (that's totally what the kids call it) again. I must have seen it like a bazillion times. Also I've been really busy listening to the Jonas Brothers and I've been crying really hard because that one Jonas brother dumped Taylor Swift and OMG I thought they were soulmates. I can't wait to hear the songs Taylor Swift writes about that! But hopefully it will not make that one Jonas brother's diabetes any worse! As you can see, I really have my finger on the pulse of what's hot and hip these days, so paying attention to that takes up a lot of my time. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 5
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I got a haircut. I cut off like two or three inches of hair. Kinda a big deal for me. But maybe you've heard of a guy named Samson? Got a haircut and lost all his powers? THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME?! And when I think about what my powers might be, they generally relate to blogging. So blogging was the first thing to go.
And you know what's weird? I got my hair cut by a person named Delilah? And while she was cutting my hair, that lady Delilah was on the radio? She plays all the love songs? The radio Delilah makes me want to pull my eyelashes out so I was busy doing that as well. In addition to the loss of blogging powers. But luckily some fuzz is starting to reappear and my powers are slowly coming back. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
And you know what's weird? I got my hair cut by a person named Delilah? And while she was cutting my hair, that lady Delilah was on the radio? She plays all the love songs? The radio Delilah makes me want to pull my eyelashes out so I was busy doing that as well. In addition to the loss of blogging powers. But luckily some fuzz is starting to reappear and my powers are slowly coming back. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 4
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I was stuck in traffic. Really, really bad traffic. For a few days I was stuck in traffic next to a chicken place and I could run in and get fried chicken so that was good. I listened to like seven audio books and won four radio call-in contests. I was able to fill up on gas at extremely low prices -- gas is under two dollars in Atlanta now! Slowly, slowly, I inched along, dreaming up blog entries I might write were I ever to get home again. I kept waiting to pass some construction or a car accident or something that would explain why traffic was at a standstill. Never saw anything, and I watched the news the second I got home to see what they said about it. They had no idea, so it remains a mystery. But boy, was I glad to get to a bathroom after two weeks in traffic! So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 3
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. Remember how Barack Obama was elected on November 4? And how he started working on his cabinet and filling his high-ranking posts? Well, I have been busy getting vetted by Barack Obama. Due to national security, I can't really tell you what post I was up for, but let's just say I would probably meet the Pope, the Queen and Vladimir Putin were I selected for this post. I also can't tell you where I am in the vetting process, and I probably won't even be able to tell you if I'm selected. Security is that tight! As you've probably read in the news, Barack is taking a pretty hard line on his cabinet choices and asking them all sorts of weird questions about embarrassing emails or internet activity. While the blog is far from embarrassing, I just thought it was best to let my online persona lay low for awhile. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 2
Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I have been training for a competitive eating contest. My specialty is pancakes. I can eat pancakes like nobody's business. Here's my trick: eat a pancake, take a shot of syrup. Then a shot of tequila. Everything just slides down to the stomach real fast that way. Anyways, it got hard to blog because I was eating all the time and the last thing you want to do on a full stomach is blog and then my stomach exploded and I had to go to the hospital.
I tried to blog from the hospital and I wrote the funniest post ever. It was so, so funny I can't even begin to tell you. I was laughing so hard that all of my stomach stitches (from the surgery after my stomach exploded from eating so many pancakes) got ripped out and my ribs cracked and I figured that entry was just so funny that I couldn't post it on my blog or you guys would get hurt as well. And I had to stay in the hospital for a little bit longer.
One day, my doctor was handing me a laptop for blogging purposes and I guess I moved funny because he accidentally conked me in the head with it. I had amnesia and forgot how to type. Then when I remembered how to type, I realized I had forgotten all my internet passwords, including my blog password. Once I remembered and got out of the hospital, I wrote this entry first thing. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
I tried to blog from the hospital and I wrote the funniest post ever. It was so, so funny I can't even begin to tell you. I was laughing so hard that all of my stomach stitches (from the surgery after my stomach exploded from eating so many pancakes) got ripped out and my ribs cracked and I figured that entry was just so funny that I couldn't post it on my blog or you guys would get hurt as well. And I had to stay in the hospital for a little bit longer.
One day, my doctor was handing me a laptop for blogging purposes and I guess I moved funny because he accidentally conked me in the head with it. I had amnesia and forgot how to type. Then when I remembered how to type, I realized I had forgotten all my internet passwords, including my blog password. Once I remembered and got out of the hospital, I wrote this entry first thing. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Why no blogs? # 1
Perhaps you are wondering why there have been no blogs since Nov. 4. Well, I can tell you, I was very very busy. I was off in the Himalayas climbing Mount Everest. It's only like, the highest mountain on Earth, so it took awhile.
Hey, you might be saying, I didn't know Molly could climb mountains. Oh, but I can. I took the southeast route and followed in the footsteps of Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. The good news is, I didn't die. The bad news is, I couldn't blog and I got altitude sickness. My camera broke on the first day so I can't post any pictures, but I had a really nice Sherpa named Pembo and he did some sketches that he has promised to mail to me. Probably my favorite sketch was one Pembo did real quickly when I discovered a dead body from the previous winter.
I made some good friends up there…Pembo, my climbing partner Marty, and our yak, Dandelion. For awhile we thought we were out of food and would have to eat Dandelion, but it turns out the rations were just at the bottom of the bag. Altitude sickness can make you do weird things!
I thought about blogging from the top of the mountain but I was too tired. And it was cold and there was a monsoon. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Hey, you might be saying, I didn't know Molly could climb mountains. Oh, but I can. I took the southeast route and followed in the footsteps of Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. The good news is, I didn't die. The bad news is, I couldn't blog and I got altitude sickness. My camera broke on the first day so I can't post any pictures, but I had a really nice Sherpa named Pembo and he did some sketches that he has promised to mail to me. Probably my favorite sketch was one Pembo did real quickly when I discovered a dead body from the previous winter.
I made some good friends up there…Pembo, my climbing partner Marty, and our yak, Dandelion. For awhile we thought we were out of food and would have to eat Dandelion, but it turns out the rations were just at the bottom of the bag. Altitude sickness can make you do weird things!
I thought about blogging from the top of the mountain but I was too tired. And it was cold and there was a monsoon. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Happy Election Day!
In the days leading up to the momentous election occurring today, I transported myself back in time to the good ol' days of the founding fathers. By which I mean I finally got around to watching all 501 minutes (about 8 ½ hours) of "John Adams", the acclaimed miniseries starring Paul Giamatti as John Adams and Laura Linney as Abigail Adams.
I have always had a soft spot for Adams since visiting Adams National Historic Park with my family a few years ago. It's a really great site, on par with some of the best presidential libraries, though it's not an official presidential library since it's not run by the National Archives and Record Administration. But you do get to see a really cool library that belonged to John Quincy Adams. It's entirely fireproof and has so many books. It was probably my favorite part of the tour.
By the way, from a non-partisan perspective, we can't really go wrong in this election in terms of the presidential library situation. If we had a Barack Obama library, than Illinois would have a great two-fer in terms of Lincoln and Obama. And we badly need more presidential sites in the western states. California does its part but something in Arizona would really liven up vacations for those of us who like going to these types of things. So that's a win-win! But as most people know, I am not non-partisan.
Anyways, back to John Adams. I thought watching the miniseries at this point of the year would provide a good reprieve from the election news, which has been driving me crazy. And frankly, John Adams was lucky to be around in a YouTube-less age. For example, he seemed like kind of a big crybaby. He was frequently grumpy. He was kind of an ass to everyone that he thought was wrong. His speeches would have been criticized as elitist and emotionless. He was not very attractive. He had a very spunky wife who likely would have said something that would have been taken out of context and criticized. On the plus side, he did have adorable children that would give the Obama girls and Piper Palin runs for their money, but unfortunately he treated them kinda badly and would have likely gotten into the kind of snafu that Giuliani got into when his kids wouldn't campaign with him. John Adams was not a very good dad.
What does everybody think about wigs? Sometimes while watching this miniseries I was pro-wig, especially the look that was a few tight horizontal curls right above the ear, while other times I was vehemently anti-wig. I'm a flip-flopper like that. But one thing I can get behind is carrying around a walking stick all the time and banging it on the floor to demonstrate approval or disgust. People were real into that in the olden days, apparently. Also, bonnets. We should bring back bonnets.
So bonnets + walking stick = win. But here were the things from John Adams' day that I didn't like. First up, tarring and feathering. That seems bad. But I will say that I might hold undue prejudice against this one because I got all excited about the HBO advisory that warned me that there would be "brief nudity" in this episode. I figured this translated into John and Abigail getting it on. But as it was, a naked guy got tarred and feathered. I didn't enjoy that. I also didn't enjoy watching the Adams family get smallpox vaccines or the guy who had smallpox. Similarly hard to watch: amputation and a primitive mastectomy.
The most interesting character of all to me was Thomas Jefferson. When we meet Thomas Jefferson, he's a moody writer who has to sit by while Ben Franklin and John Adams mess up his carefully chosen words. It's a hard ordeal for any writer, which is why I think Jefferson might have liked blogging. No editor can touch you there. Unless your editor leaves comments on your blog. HELLO KATIE.
Well, after hearing his historic but mangled words read aloud, Jefferson disappears until one of the best segments of the series, which is when Adams is in Paris. Then he reappears for some crazy sexual tension with Abigail Adams. Also, Ben Franklin, deep into his crazy coonskin hat days, is also running around. At first, it seemed to me that Ben Franklin would have been awesome to be friends with, because he ran around saying funny and wise things all the time. But I guess I would eventually find that annoying, as John Adams seemed to do; Adams was also generally annoyed that history would remember Franklin more fondly than it remembered him. That's a concern he had about most people. I guess it was hard to be a Founding Father. Because in addition to Franklin and Jefferson, you also had the dashing heartthrob and flashy dresser George Washington running around.
John Adams spends a lot of time getting down on himself. Despite thinking he is always right, he pretty much always thinks he failed as well. He always felt screwed over, which is not a particularly attractive quality in a politician and leader or anybody I guess. And frankly he made some bad decisions, particularly in terms of his children. Would we elect him president today? Probably not.
Anyways, if you want to watch a miniseries that has weird parallels and references to things that happen in politics today, you should watch this miniseries. You should also just watch the miniseries if you want to be entertained for 501 minutes, because I know I certainly was. Though don't watch this miniseries for a happy ending because pretty much everybody dies….hope I'm not giving anything away there. Though if you do watch to the end, you get this little nugget of a quote from elderly John Adams: "I can no longer bear this ennui, Abigail!" I'm going to try to throw it into conversation more often. Even if no one nearby is named Abigail.
I have always had a soft spot for Adams since visiting Adams National Historic Park with my family a few years ago. It's a really great site, on par with some of the best presidential libraries, though it's not an official presidential library since it's not run by the National Archives and Record Administration. But you do get to see a really cool library that belonged to John Quincy Adams. It's entirely fireproof and has so many books. It was probably my favorite part of the tour.
By the way, from a non-partisan perspective, we can't really go wrong in this election in terms of the presidential library situation. If we had a Barack Obama library, than Illinois would have a great two-fer in terms of Lincoln and Obama. And we badly need more presidential sites in the western states. California does its part but something in Arizona would really liven up vacations for those of us who like going to these types of things. So that's a win-win! But as most people know, I am not non-partisan.
Anyways, back to John Adams. I thought watching the miniseries at this point of the year would provide a good reprieve from the election news, which has been driving me crazy. And frankly, John Adams was lucky to be around in a YouTube-less age. For example, he seemed like kind of a big crybaby. He was frequently grumpy. He was kind of an ass to everyone that he thought was wrong. His speeches would have been criticized as elitist and emotionless. He was not very attractive. He had a very spunky wife who likely would have said something that would have been taken out of context and criticized. On the plus side, he did have adorable children that would give the Obama girls and Piper Palin runs for their money, but unfortunately he treated them kinda badly and would have likely gotten into the kind of snafu that Giuliani got into when his kids wouldn't campaign with him. John Adams was not a very good dad.
What does everybody think about wigs? Sometimes while watching this miniseries I was pro-wig, especially the look that was a few tight horizontal curls right above the ear, while other times I was vehemently anti-wig. I'm a flip-flopper like that. But one thing I can get behind is carrying around a walking stick all the time and banging it on the floor to demonstrate approval or disgust. People were real into that in the olden days, apparently. Also, bonnets. We should bring back bonnets.
So bonnets + walking stick = win. But here were the things from John Adams' day that I didn't like. First up, tarring and feathering. That seems bad. But I will say that I might hold undue prejudice against this one because I got all excited about the HBO advisory that warned me that there would be "brief nudity" in this episode. I figured this translated into John and Abigail getting it on. But as it was, a naked guy got tarred and feathered. I didn't enjoy that. I also didn't enjoy watching the Adams family get smallpox vaccines or the guy who had smallpox. Similarly hard to watch: amputation and a primitive mastectomy.
The most interesting character of all to me was Thomas Jefferson. When we meet Thomas Jefferson, he's a moody writer who has to sit by while Ben Franklin and John Adams mess up his carefully chosen words. It's a hard ordeal for any writer, which is why I think Jefferson might have liked blogging. No editor can touch you there. Unless your editor leaves comments on your blog. HELLO KATIE.
Well, after hearing his historic but mangled words read aloud, Jefferson disappears until one of the best segments of the series, which is when Adams is in Paris. Then he reappears for some crazy sexual tension with Abigail Adams. Also, Ben Franklin, deep into his crazy coonskin hat days, is also running around. At first, it seemed to me that Ben Franklin would have been awesome to be friends with, because he ran around saying funny and wise things all the time. But I guess I would eventually find that annoying, as John Adams seemed to do; Adams was also generally annoyed that history would remember Franklin more fondly than it remembered him. That's a concern he had about most people. I guess it was hard to be a Founding Father. Because in addition to Franklin and Jefferson, you also had the dashing heartthrob and flashy dresser George Washington running around.
John Adams spends a lot of time getting down on himself. Despite thinking he is always right, he pretty much always thinks he failed as well. He always felt screwed over, which is not a particularly attractive quality in a politician and leader or anybody I guess. And frankly he made some bad decisions, particularly in terms of his children. Would we elect him president today? Probably not.
Anyways, if you want to watch a miniseries that has weird parallels and references to things that happen in politics today, you should watch this miniseries. You should also just watch the miniseries if you want to be entertained for 501 minutes, because I know I certainly was. Though don't watch this miniseries for a happy ending because pretty much everybody dies….hope I'm not giving anything away there. Though if you do watch to the end, you get this little nugget of a quote from elderly John Adams: "I can no longer bear this ennui, Abigail!" I'm going to try to throw it into conversation more often. Even if no one nearby is named Abigail.
Monday, November 3, 2008
We now return to our regularly scheduled programming
Well, it took me two weeks, but I finished my cousin-related blogs. But life didn't stop while I wrote those! So here are the top 7 things that happened in the last two weeks that deserve a blog mention. Normally I might put them all in separate posts but based on how long these last blogs took me it might be a week-and-a-half before I finished. And who knows what will happen in that time?!?
1. I learned that the brush that is behind my sink is used for cleaning dishes! Previously I thought the device was just a sort of decorative accessory, much like my canister of spatulas and the like. But I learned that some people actually use it to do things when my parents came to visit me. We went to the UVA vs. Georgia Tech football game. Luckily UVA won or it would have been sad.
2. I also learned about centerpieces and candles when my parents came to visit. On my kitchen table I have these flower candlesticks, and on my kitchen counter I have these brightly colored candles. But my mom says I have to put all those things away because they are too spring- and summer-like. Now I have to have an autumnal centerpiece and autumnal candles. My autumnal centerpiece has gourds! After autumn is over, I have to put up a Christmas centerpiece and Christmas candles. Then I think I have to put up a Martin Luther King Jr. centerpiece. Keeping track of centerpieces is really hard but luckily I have my mom nearby to help!
3. I learned that a certain mall in the Atlanta area that shall remain nameless is going to have a service where pictures can be taken with Santa. But not for children. FOR PETS. If you need a picture of your pet taken with Santa, then let me know and I can hook you up. But you have to understand that something like this is the kind of thing that makes me hate people with pets and I will judge you. Though I am pondering taking my fish Alvin in for a picture in the hopes that the mall might see how ridiculous their idea is.
4. I learned that Samantha Parkington will be retired as an American Girl doll. This particularly stings as Samantha was the American Girl doll I had when I was little. Why oh why is someone crapping on my childhood? How will the girls of tomorrow ever thrive without this sweet orphan living with her relatives in 1904? Who teaches poor girls that live next door how to read? Why should they be deprived of buying the absolutely adorable school dress that I wish to God I could have worn to school? Or deprived of reenacting what happened when Uncle Gard brought Cornelia home for the holidays? How will they ever learn what a petit four is?
5. Someone is trying to communicate with me via Amazon emails. While I try not to talk about work on my blog, I will tell you that I've had a few unhappy days lately. And on one of the days that was most frustrating, I get an email from Amazon.com with the suggestion that I might enjoy Herman Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener." This is the classic tale of a man that just starts saying that he prefers not to do work that's assigned to him. Is this some message from God about what I am supposed to do?!?!
6. A sad lesson was learned: video games trump literature. Here's what happened. For the Halloween office party I dressed up as the Ghost of John Steinbeck, using a white sheet and my John Steinbeck shirt. I carried around some grapes and threw them at people. But despite only four people entering the costume contest, I did not win. I lost to a girl who dressed up as Mario. Of Mario and Luigi fame. So don't bother reading, kids. You will not win office costume contests that way. Just play video games.
7. Finally, last Monday I was stopped at a red light and saw two guys having a fight. IT WAS SO EXCITING! I think it would be awesome if the City of Atlanta could install unhappy people at every long light because then we would have some entertainment while we waited and maybe people would not run red lights and cause accidents. The particular fight I witnessed involved two males fighting. Apparently they have had a turbulent past because one of them had a restraining order on the other. But the very guy who took out the restraining order was trying to see the other one. And the other one was not happy, because he could have gone to jail if they were seen. So he kept saying, "If you really love me, just leave. If you really love me, just walk away. Because if you don't walk away, I'll go to jail. Please, please leave if you love me." Did the other guy leave? I DON'T KNOW! The light turned green and I had to go! Never have I been so sad about a green light!
1. I learned that the brush that is behind my sink is used for cleaning dishes! Previously I thought the device was just a sort of decorative accessory, much like my canister of spatulas and the like. But I learned that some people actually use it to do things when my parents came to visit me. We went to the UVA vs. Georgia Tech football game. Luckily UVA won or it would have been sad.
2. I also learned about centerpieces and candles when my parents came to visit. On my kitchen table I have these flower candlesticks, and on my kitchen counter I have these brightly colored candles. But my mom says I have to put all those things away because they are too spring- and summer-like. Now I have to have an autumnal centerpiece and autumnal candles. My autumnal centerpiece has gourds! After autumn is over, I have to put up a Christmas centerpiece and Christmas candles. Then I think I have to put up a Martin Luther King Jr. centerpiece. Keeping track of centerpieces is really hard but luckily I have my mom nearby to help!
3. I learned that a certain mall in the Atlanta area that shall remain nameless is going to have a service where pictures can be taken with Santa. But not for children. FOR PETS. If you need a picture of your pet taken with Santa, then let me know and I can hook you up. But you have to understand that something like this is the kind of thing that makes me hate people with pets and I will judge you. Though I am pondering taking my fish Alvin in for a picture in the hopes that the mall might see how ridiculous their idea is.
4. I learned that Samantha Parkington will be retired as an American Girl doll. This particularly stings as Samantha was the American Girl doll I had when I was little. Why oh why is someone crapping on my childhood? How will the girls of tomorrow ever thrive without this sweet orphan living with her relatives in 1904? Who teaches poor girls that live next door how to read? Why should they be deprived of buying the absolutely adorable school dress that I wish to God I could have worn to school? Or deprived of reenacting what happened when Uncle Gard brought Cornelia home for the holidays? How will they ever learn what a petit four is?
5. Someone is trying to communicate with me via Amazon emails. While I try not to talk about work on my blog, I will tell you that I've had a few unhappy days lately. And on one of the days that was most frustrating, I get an email from Amazon.com with the suggestion that I might enjoy Herman Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener." This is the classic tale of a man that just starts saying that he prefers not to do work that's assigned to him. Is this some message from God about what I am supposed to do?!?!
6. A sad lesson was learned: video games trump literature. Here's what happened. For the Halloween office party I dressed up as the Ghost of John Steinbeck, using a white sheet and my John Steinbeck shirt. I carried around some grapes and threw them at people. But despite only four people entering the costume contest, I did not win. I lost to a girl who dressed up as Mario. Of Mario and Luigi fame. So don't bother reading, kids. You will not win office costume contests that way. Just play video games.
7. Finally, last Monday I was stopped at a red light and saw two guys having a fight. IT WAS SO EXCITING! I think it would be awesome if the City of Atlanta could install unhappy people at every long light because then we would have some entertainment while we waited and maybe people would not run red lights and cause accidents. The particular fight I witnessed involved two males fighting. Apparently they have had a turbulent past because one of them had a restraining order on the other. But the very guy who took out the restraining order was trying to see the other one. And the other one was not happy, because he could have gone to jail if they were seen. So he kept saying, "If you really love me, just leave. If you really love me, just walk away. Because if you don't walk away, I'll go to jail. Please, please leave if you love me." Did the other guy leave? I DON'T KNOW! The light turned green and I had to go! Never have I been so sad about a green light!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Cousin Reunion #11: It comes to an end.
Well, here we are the 11th entry of this epic blog journey. One blog entry for each cousin who was present. After the second breakfast on that Sunday morning two weeks ago now, we gathered our things from the cabins and said good-bye in the Kanuga parking lot. When I was a little girl, I always burst into tears when it was time to say good-bye to my family. This really may not have helped my coolness factor but my seven-year-old heart could not bear the pain of separation. This time I was more or less okay because we'll all see each other again in just two months now for my cousin Mary Henry's wedding to Brad. By the way, where is Brad? I miss Brad. I love Brad. Brad, I'm scared.
So as this account comes to a close, I'd like to salute the true hero of the weekend, without this champion the weekend would not have been as wonderful. And that heroic champion is my Oregon sweatshirt. It was so frickin' cold that weekend! I spent so much time in that sweatshirt because it was the only warm thing I brought! Sometimes I disappeared into the hood which made certain cousins sad, but what can I say? It was so so cold, and my sweatshirt kept me mildly warm.
Special thanks to some other clothing champions of the weekend, which included Worth's shorts (they made him look "hike-y"), the multiple pants that Mary Henry had to wear because she kept wetting herself, and also Mary Henry's jacket, which got discarded and swung about as soon as she started dancing. While not an official member of this generation, I'll also give a shout-out to Allison's daughter Sarah, who was wearing a most festive Halloween outfit the first day of the reunion, right down to some adorable orange baby crocs. Also I liked Mary's purple vest. Also I liked the green family t-shirt we all wore on Saturday. But unfortunately, none of those items of clothing were as valuable as my Oregon sweatshirt. And that's about all I have to say on the weekend.
The End.
Oh, it would be silly to end there. So in addition to sending a toast to my warm hooded sweatshirt, I'll also send a toast to all my cousins. What I'm about to mention may not have been their most notable contribution to the weekend, but it is the most memorable to me at this point:
--To Catharine, for her aforementioned dancing skills and for constantly asking what time it was, so that we did not miss meals.
--To Elizabeth, who drove out in her fancy new car to get us Wendy's, and we like her so much that even though she went to bed far too early the second night, we did not pull any slumber party pranks on her like putting her hand in warm water, even though that is TOTALLY what you should do to people who fall asleep too early at slumber parties.
--To Worth for his soulful singing of the blessing and DJ'ing skills that kept the people moving all night long. And George was particularly inspired by your directive to dance shirtless.
--To Mary, who has been extolled so many times in these entries already, for popcorn makers and magazine stashes; this time I salute you for keeping us all confused by the vast spectrum of things you chose to share. (overshare?)
--To Grant, for getting us all Ringo Starr's autograph before he stopped signing fan mail, because I am absolutely certain you must have done that for all of us. And for following me with the golf cart and sending sweet 2 a.m. emails
--To Allison, for taking down Grant and William in a game that will echo throughout history. Before they could land a single shot, you and your sister decimated them. I certainly was remiss for not calling this victory out earlier.
--To Mary Henry, for getting us all your sweet, sweet discount and for not showing any sign of worry about our actions, even though we totally could have gotten you fired. But probably not because everyone loves you. But it would have been fun to try. And also for getting the photographer and getting the man with stilts to show up.
--To Sarah, for her decision to shower upon arriving. While I didn't smell anything bad, I felt that showed a commitment to the weekend. And I was glad to hear you could drink beer the second day without making a face.
--To George, who is not my cousin, but if you weren't my brother I would wish you were my cousin, I commend you for regaining control of your body on Saturday and for building a ladder golf game.
--To William, also not my cousin, but if you weren't my brother I would wish you were my cousin, for building that awesome beer pong table.
Thanks also to everyone who brought cameras and everyone who indulged my narcissism by telling a story about what an adorable child I was. Basically everyone is awesome and if even one of us hadn't showed up it would have been far less fun. See everyone in two months. To readers who are not my cousins (if there are any left), brace yourself for more cousin news in January.
So as this account comes to a close, I'd like to salute the true hero of the weekend, without this champion the weekend would not have been as wonderful. And that heroic champion is my Oregon sweatshirt. It was so frickin' cold that weekend! I spent so much time in that sweatshirt because it was the only warm thing I brought! Sometimes I disappeared into the hood which made certain cousins sad, but what can I say? It was so so cold, and my sweatshirt kept me mildly warm.
Special thanks to some other clothing champions of the weekend, which included Worth's shorts (they made him look "hike-y"), the multiple pants that Mary Henry had to wear because she kept wetting herself, and also Mary Henry's jacket, which got discarded and swung about as soon as she started dancing. While not an official member of this generation, I'll also give a shout-out to Allison's daughter Sarah, who was wearing a most festive Halloween outfit the first day of the reunion, right down to some adorable orange baby crocs. Also I liked Mary's purple vest. Also I liked the green family t-shirt we all wore on Saturday. But unfortunately, none of those items of clothing were as valuable as my Oregon sweatshirt. And that's about all I have to say on the weekend.
The End.
Oh, it would be silly to end there. So in addition to sending a toast to my warm hooded sweatshirt, I'll also send a toast to all my cousins. What I'm about to mention may not have been their most notable contribution to the weekend, but it is the most memorable to me at this point:
--To Catharine, for her aforementioned dancing skills and for constantly asking what time it was, so that we did not miss meals.
--To Elizabeth, who drove out in her fancy new car to get us Wendy's, and we like her so much that even though she went to bed far too early the second night, we did not pull any slumber party pranks on her like putting her hand in warm water, even though that is TOTALLY what you should do to people who fall asleep too early at slumber parties.
--To Worth for his soulful singing of the blessing and DJ'ing skills that kept the people moving all night long. And George was particularly inspired by your directive to dance shirtless.
--To Mary, who has been extolled so many times in these entries already, for popcorn makers and magazine stashes; this time I salute you for keeping us all confused by the vast spectrum of things you chose to share. (overshare?)
--To Grant, for getting us all Ringo Starr's autograph before he stopped signing fan mail, because I am absolutely certain you must have done that for all of us. And for following me with the golf cart and sending sweet 2 a.m. emails
--To Allison, for taking down Grant and William in a game that will echo throughout history. Before they could land a single shot, you and your sister decimated them. I certainly was remiss for not calling this victory out earlier.
--To Mary Henry, for getting us all your sweet, sweet discount and for not showing any sign of worry about our actions, even though we totally could have gotten you fired. But probably not because everyone loves you. But it would have been fun to try. And also for getting the photographer and getting the man with stilts to show up.
--To Sarah, for her decision to shower upon arriving. While I didn't smell anything bad, I felt that showed a commitment to the weekend. And I was glad to hear you could drink beer the second day without making a face.
--To George, who is not my cousin, but if you weren't my brother I would wish you were my cousin, I commend you for regaining control of your body on Saturday and for building a ladder golf game.
--To William, also not my cousin, but if you weren't my brother I would wish you were my cousin, for building that awesome beer pong table.
Thanks also to everyone who brought cameras and everyone who indulged my narcissism by telling a story about what an adorable child I was. Basically everyone is awesome and if even one of us hadn't showed up it would have been far less fun. See everyone in two months. To readers who are not my cousins (if there are any left), brace yourself for more cousin news in January.
Cousin Reunion #10: I am J.K. Rowling
Well, just two weeks ago today, the cousin reunion ended. And here I am still churning out entries about it. To be perfectly honest, it's been a little tough to get all the way to the 11 entries I promised. After all, the cousin reunion itself only lasted about 42 hours. And some of those hours we were asleep. So it's almost an entry for, like, every three hours. I am kind of running out of things to talk about.
Then I got some advice from my cousin Grant via Facebook wall contact. Grant told me to be like J.K. Rowling. I hadn't considered being like J.K. Rowling, mainly because I'm not worth over a billion dollars. No one's waiting breathlessly at midnight in costume for my next blog installment and staying up to read it by flashlight, and I didn't start this blog when I was a poor single mother writing in British cafes. I haven't even gotten to hang out with Daniel Radcliffe, though he was spotted in Seattle a few times because rumor had it he was dating a girl who lived there.
But the more I thought about trying to be J.K. Rowling, the more I realized Grant had a point. Why try to fight it. As it turns out, I must reveal a long-guarded family secret:
All of my cousins are wizards.
There, I said it. It may surprise some of the Muggles who married into this family but that's just the way it is. We can't hide anymore. When I said we were all at "Kanuga," I meant we were all really at Hogwarts. You may have noticed that I didn't dedicate any time to describing how we arrived, but that's because everyone knows you arrive by train (although some of us apparated).
But this will make further sense when you go back and read previous entries knowing I am a wizard. When I said we were drinking, clearly we were drinking butterbeer. When we ate a lot, it was chocolate frogs and those beans that taste like everything. (But we really did eat A LOT of popcorn). When I ran in a road race, then now you must understand that it was part of the Triwizard Tournament. Celebrity magazines = The Daily Prophet and The Quibbler. Beer pong = Quidditch. And can you believe that when glass got stuck in my hand, it formed a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt?!?!?
Too bad that we didn't have enough Galleons to play Tripoley and lacked proper transport (aka a designated driver) to get to Diagon Alley. Yet it was a good thing that no one got so drunk that we had to go to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Thank goodness we didn't act on a drunken impulse to prank phone call our parents, or we might have ended up in Azkaban. I'm happy that no dementors showed up and want to give a big shout-out to all of those who keep the Harry Potter Wikipedia entries so well up-to-date and excruciatingly detailed.
Now, while I may have muddled my previous entries on the cousin reunion with Muggle-speak to balance the harmony between the magical and non-magical world, it should not be assumed that the good times had by all were in any way changed. It was just a regular family event with our hippogriffs and house elves. We listened to wizard rock and hid horcruxes all over Kanuga. We defended against the dark arts and practiced parseltongue just for the hell of it.
J.K. Rowling uses a lot of flashbacks in her books, but I'll do her one better and present a flash-forward of what our next family event might entail:
1. Someone peeing their pants
2. Someone crawling into a bed that is not their own
3. Someone eating way too many sausage biscuits
4. Someone acting like a monkey.
5. Someone who is too loud when we are supposed to be quiet!
6. Popcorn
7. People talking about how old they are.
8. People talking about asses.
9. Molly requesting stories about what she was like as a child
10. Someone getting married.
Well, I guess that's about it. So we're wizards. Deal with it. I don't want to brag but since I'm at the 10th installment of this series I've already done three better than J.K. Rowling. Oh….but I just re-read my facebook wall. Apparently I was supposed to be like J.K. Rowling in terms of length of entries. Oh. Maybe I wasn't supposed to say we were all wizards. Yikes. I get so confused. Much like Ron Weasley in dealing with his feelings for Hermione.
Then I got some advice from my cousin Grant via Facebook wall contact. Grant told me to be like J.K. Rowling. I hadn't considered being like J.K. Rowling, mainly because I'm not worth over a billion dollars. No one's waiting breathlessly at midnight in costume for my next blog installment and staying up to read it by flashlight, and I didn't start this blog when I was a poor single mother writing in British cafes. I haven't even gotten to hang out with Daniel Radcliffe, though he was spotted in Seattle a few times because rumor had it he was dating a girl who lived there.
But the more I thought about trying to be J.K. Rowling, the more I realized Grant had a point. Why try to fight it. As it turns out, I must reveal a long-guarded family secret:
All of my cousins are wizards.
There, I said it. It may surprise some of the Muggles who married into this family but that's just the way it is. We can't hide anymore. When I said we were all at "Kanuga," I meant we were all really at Hogwarts. You may have noticed that I didn't dedicate any time to describing how we arrived, but that's because everyone knows you arrive by train (although some of us apparated).
But this will make further sense when you go back and read previous entries knowing I am a wizard. When I said we were drinking, clearly we were drinking butterbeer. When we ate a lot, it was chocolate frogs and those beans that taste like everything. (But we really did eat A LOT of popcorn). When I ran in a road race, then now you must understand that it was part of the Triwizard Tournament. Celebrity magazines = The Daily Prophet and The Quibbler. Beer pong = Quidditch. And can you believe that when glass got stuck in my hand, it formed a scar in the shape of a lightning bolt?!?!?
Too bad that we didn't have enough Galleons to play Tripoley and lacked proper transport (aka a designated driver) to get to Diagon Alley. Yet it was a good thing that no one got so drunk that we had to go to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Thank goodness we didn't act on a drunken impulse to prank phone call our parents, or we might have ended up in Azkaban. I'm happy that no dementors showed up and want to give a big shout-out to all of those who keep the Harry Potter Wikipedia entries so well up-to-date and excruciatingly detailed.
Now, while I may have muddled my previous entries on the cousin reunion with Muggle-speak to balance the harmony between the magical and non-magical world, it should not be assumed that the good times had by all were in any way changed. It was just a regular family event with our hippogriffs and house elves. We listened to wizard rock and hid horcruxes all over Kanuga. We defended against the dark arts and practiced parseltongue just for the hell of it.
J.K. Rowling uses a lot of flashbacks in her books, but I'll do her one better and present a flash-forward of what our next family event might entail:
1. Someone peeing their pants
2. Someone crawling into a bed that is not their own
3. Someone eating way too many sausage biscuits
4. Someone acting like a monkey.
5. Someone who is too loud when we are supposed to be quiet!
6. Popcorn
7. People talking about how old they are.
8. People talking about asses.
9. Molly requesting stories about what she was like as a child
10. Someone getting married.
Well, I guess that's about it. So we're wizards. Deal with it. I don't want to brag but since I'm at the 10th installment of this series I've already done three better than J.K. Rowling. Oh….but I just re-read my facebook wall. Apparently I was supposed to be like J.K. Rowling in terms of length of entries. Oh. Maybe I wasn't supposed to say we were all wizards. Yikes. I get so confused. Much like Ron Weasley in dealing with his feelings for Hermione.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)