the lost weekend

So, though I vowed to blog everyday during Lent, I hit a bit of a stumble this weekend. And I have to say, once the blogging went, all of my Lenten resolutions fell off track. I had some soda. I didn’t do any stomach crunches. And then I figured that I’d done so poorly that I might as well have some chocolate as well.

What got me so badly off track? Here’s the thing. Earlier in the week I had been scanning what was happening this week in history on Wikipedia – that’s right, just because I’ve abandoned my weekly TWIH in history doesn’t mean that I don’t still check to see the week’s events. Lately they’ve been kind of boring, though, so I haven’t felt too bad about not posting a recap. Plus it seemed that no one liked that feature anyways. But I digress. In my Wikipedia research, I noticed that famed Chick-fil-a founder Truett Cathy’s birthday fell on March 14, a Saturday this year. And wouldn’t you know it, I was scheduled to eat with my family at the South Asheville Chick-fil-a on that very Saturday!

As you might imagine, the excitement was palpable. That’s why I didn’t blog on Friday. I was just too keyed up, wondering how each franchise would choose to celebrate their founder. Would we all get free chicken or ice cream? Would we all get our own dwarf, in recognition of the fact that the first Chick-fil-a was called the Dwarf House? Would there be, God help me, a Funfetti cake?

Well, there was cake alright, but it was only for a little girl who was having her birthday party at Chick-fil-a. For everyone else, there was nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nothing to honor the man that gave the world and its food courts a tasty variety of chicken products and waffle fries six days out of the week. Even those stupid cows couldn’t get it together to produce a misspelled sign along the lines of “Happi Berthdayy Truett.”

The fact that the South Asheville franchise was not honoring Truett Cathy sent me into a blind rage. I threw my box of chicken nuggets against the wall and smashed the little girl’s birthday cake. I ran into the play area, knocking little children out of my way. I climbed to the top of the playset, took some shots of honey mustard sauce and proclaimed for the whole restaurant to hear that this was Truett’s day, dammit, and we needed to bless our chicken sandwiches in his honor. At that point I think I went into an off-subject rant about how it’s nearly impossible to prove that he actually invented the chicken sandwich, as the store’s marketing claims, but then I got back on subject by singing an impromptu opera about pickles. After my song, I spread my arms and fell backwards into the ball pit.

Then, as I rested in the ball pit, a vision of Truett Cathy appeared to me. He extended an arm to me, as if he was offering me a college scholarship for my commitment to the company. He pulled me up, and we waltzed around the store. I whispered “Happy birthday” and thanked him for the dance, and he whispered, “My pleasure,” just as every employee does when they refill your drink. But his “My pleasure” was not perfunctory or accompanied by a scowl, the way some employees say it. His was heartfelt. I think I fainted in his arms.

The next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground with my family standing around me, pouring the contents of their Styrofoam cups on my face to revive me. I did not feel guilty, for I knew they could get refills. I was drenched in iced tea and sweat, but I had done my duty. I had honored Truett.

Slowly, I got to my feet and headed for the condiment station, because I wanted to fill out a comment form to let this Chick-fil-a franchise owner know what I thought of his lack of loyalty and tradition (for those very loyal blog readers out there, this was in fact the same Chick-fil-a where I filled out a comment card regarding the lack of Diet Coke. You may have thought that was silly, but there’s currently Diet Dr. Pepper and Coke Zero at that Chick-fil-a. Who’s laughing now?). Anyways, they didn’t have any comment cards available, which in and of itself is an offense that I would mention on a comment card, if one were available. I think that’s what they call a Catch-22.

Anyways, that’s why I didn’t blog, and why everything went downhill so fast. But I’m back on track now. I think we can all agree that being tempted by the devil in the desert is basically the same as your hometown Chick-fil-a not recognizing its founder. Totally and completely the same.

Nothing's ever gonna stand in my way again

In a sign that I either need to pick more manageable goals or stop putting things off to the last minute, I have started having anxiety dreams about reaching my blog goal. Because I can create anxiety about just about anything. This particular dream involved me sitting at home, trying to finish my blog on the last possible night, and the power going out so that I couldn't use the internet. I woke up in a cold sweat.

Here are 13 other things that might hinder me from finishing on time. I picked the number 13 because it signifies unluckiness, and not finishing 200 entries would be unlucky. Also, at this writing, there are 13 posts left to go. After this writing, there will be merely 12.

1. Writer's Block
Crippling, crippling writer's block. Right now I have a little post-it with subjects left to cover, but there aren't enough to reach the required number of posts. Unfortunately, the anxiety I described earlier sometimes fuels the fire of the my writer's block.

2. My job
Man, last year at this time, I had a job, but I hadn't started it yet. That was so awesome, because you don't have to waste any time looking for a job and you're not wasting any time on the actual job. Working really hinders blogging.

3. Haircut
Tomorrow night I'm getting a haircut; that is time that could be better spent blogging, unless something ridiculously funny or weird happens, in which case I can turn that into a blog entry.

4. Finishing "Middlemarch"
Look, I'm super anal-retentive and riddled with needless anxieties, with one of the most superfluous anxieties being the need to not be in the middle of a book at the end of the year. That way, I can make a clear break and distinguish 2008 as the year I read 15 books and 2009 as the year I read 18 books. Rather than saying 14 ½ and 18 ½ which is just too weird. I have several hundred pages left to go of Middlemarch, though. One entry is reserved to review it. Will I meet this goal? Will I waste valuable blogging time reading, or vice versa? Why oh why God is life so hard?

5. Commuting
Until I can figure out a way to type while driving, commuting is a waste of time, blog-wise. So my commute better not take a minute longer than normal this week or all hell will break loose.

6. Disease
If I get a cold, it would hamper my ability to finish 200 entries. Food poisoning would be even worse. But more devastating diseases could also occur and they will take up time because they require seeing a doctor and such, and it would take me awhile to even figure out where to go. And let's say I get a disease that makes all my fingers fall off, that would be detrimental. Unless I recover my abilities quick enough to make all the last entries very inspirational and moving. If I have to, I'll dictate them by blinking my eyes. EVEN IF I CAN TALK.

7. Shocking Death of a Celebrity
When a shocking death occurs, along the lines of your Tim Russert's or your Heath Ledger's, all I do is read things off the internet about that person. Even if I'm not that interested in them. So hopefully, there will be no shocking deaths in the next few days. And of course, hopefully nothing will happen to Barack Obama because I would completely shut down.

8. My new computer
My new computer kind of scares me! I talked about this last night! But I am not completely sure how it works and I have no time to figure that out because I have to BLOG!

9. My need to eat things
Man, why do I have to stop at periodic intervals and eat things? It takes so much time to figure out what I'm going to eat and then fix it and then eat it and then clean up after it. That time could be better spent BLOGGING.

10. Nothing interesting happens to me in the next 50 or so hours
This one is pretty likely. If nothing interesting happens, then it will be harder to blog without resorting to online personality quizzes. If you know me, then try to create an interesting situation for me, okay?

11. A natural disaster or snow occurs in Atlanta
Both of these things would surely eat up my time, as well as affect my commute.

12. Something awful happens to Blogger
What if I end up writing 13 entries and then I can't even post them due to some technological malfunction?

13. Identity theft
This seems to be time-consuming from what I understand.

Sorry I ignored my blog for two weeks

I didn't blog for 14 whole days! I'm sorry! But now you have 14 new entries, one to mark each blogless day, so that should keep you busy for awhile.

The truth of the matter is I have no good reason for ignoring my blogging duties for 14 days except I did have to take some time off of work due to sickness. I had some feverish dreams that I thought might be worth getting up and typing out for the blog, like this one dream about walking in a rainy park and looking at statues of the Virgin Mary. Also I had a dream about shooting moose. And a dream that I swam with sardines in the ocean, and when I looked up from under the water, I could see planets. I had a dream that Regis Philbin danced with cheerleaders while I ate a porkchop sandwich. I had another dream about seeing Death himself walk over a bridge and another dream about hot wings. But other people's dreams are boring and maybe I only think mine were weird and interesting because I had a fever.

But anyways, fear not, dear readers. The blog is back in full swing and while there may be a recession going on, it won't hit this blog. Rather, this blog will fight the recession. There will be a surplus of blogs. There will be so many blog entries that your eyes will bleed. So many blog entries that you will cry and beg for mercy and say, "No, please, Molly, don't write so many blogs. I can't keep up!" But I will not heed your pleas and I will keep right on blogging. There will be so many blogs that you have to get glasses and a personal assistant to do your "day job" because your real job will be reading my innermost thoughts and hilarious observations. I hope the top thing on your Christmas list (or Hanukkah list, or Kwanza list, or whatever) is MORE BLOGS because that's what you're getting.

Why no blogs? # 14

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4.

The dog ate my homework...I mean blog.

The dog ate my blog.

The dog ate my computer.

The dog ate…me?

So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 13

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I got married! It was a very fast courtship (approx. 3.7 days) before Rudolf and I quietly eloped in the romantic mountain town of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, which is of course world-renowned for its wedding chapels. I would have been happy to stay in Gatlinburg in a quiet cabin with a heart-shaped hot tub and do some outlet shopping, but that's just not Rudolf's way. We went to Las Vegas and went to the casinos. As you may have heard, there are no windows or clocks in casinos so you lose all track of time. So I didn't even know that days were just passing and passing by, though of course I desperately wanted to blog to tell you all the good news about my marriage. Unfortunately the marriage was short-lived as Rudolf had some bad shrimp at a midnight buffet and died in the arms of a showgirl. Since then, I've been in a dark place, deeply mourning a man I kinda knew. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 12

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. My fish Alvin has severe emotional problems and I have had to expend a great deal of effort and time to care for him. He has a fear of abandonment and he thinks I am poisoning his food, so pretty much every time I feed him I have to spend an hour just talking him down from a metaphorical ledge. And whenever I come back from work, I have to spend three hours just making him feel secure again. This is on top of regular fish owning chores such as changing his water, playing his favorite songs at bedtime and worrying about whether I'll come home to find him dead. Having a fish takes a whole lot of time, probably more time than having a kid even. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 11

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4.

I got locked in a restroom stall.

The restroom stall was in a bookstore.

I called for help but no one came.

I'm too scared of germs to get that close to the floor to crawl out under the door, so I just stayed there.

Luckily I disregarded the rules about taking merchandise into the bathroom so I had a book. I read a book about Vietnam. Pretty interesting, but slow going. Even when they found me, 14 days later, I was only about halfway through the book. It's very long.

I was finally found when the growling of my stomach was heard over the folk rock playing in the bookstore.

Sadly, I didn't get anything free out of my ordeal. They did not even give me the book on Vietnam.

So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 10

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. Guys, I am building an awesome castle out of Legos. Not some wimpy Lego castle for a Lego man and his Barbie bride. A real-life people-sized Lego castle. There is going to be a moat, six turrets and a working fireplace in every room.

I had to take a few days off from blogging to buy the land, lay the foundation, and buy 17 million Legos, but now I think I'm going at a pretty good clip and will be able to get more blogs in. Let me know if you have the time to make any of the following out of Legos:
-chandeliers
-corners (for the walls)
-toilet
-heating ducts
-kitchen table

I've been pretty busy on the walls and all the built-in bookcases. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 9

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. On October 27, acclaimed actor Joaquin Phoenix announced he was retiring from acting to focus on music. For a few days I was okay with this decision, because hey, I like music. But the more I thought about it, the more depressed I became. Can you imagine a world in which the guy from Space Camp and Parenthood is not making movies? What about a world where the guy who was nominated for so many awards for roles as varied as Jimmy Emmett and Commodus is not making movies? WOULD JOHNNY CASH GIVE UP MOVIES FOR MUSIC? Well, maybe. He was Johnny Cash. And Joaquin Phoenix played Johnny Cash; ergo, Joaquin Phoenix should give up movies for music.

NO…don't do this, Molly. Don't get distracted by the possibility that this is a good career move. Think of what you will lose!! What if they were to make Ladder 49 tomorrow -- who would play the role of the young guy mentored by John Travolta? Who will be M. Night Shyamalan's go-to guy? Who will play a supporting role in Hotel Rwanda?

So I've just been really depressed, curled in a corner of my apartment, rocking back and forth and watching Reservation Road over and over. Too depressed to do anything else. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 8

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I killed a monster. It was a big purple monster 40 stories high and to kill this monster I had to solve a series of puzzles and riddles. Then I had to place a stake dipped into the saliva of a cat into certain places on the monster's body. And it takes a long time to get enough cat saliva for that many stakes. Then I had to pull all the stakes back out and drain the monster's blood. Do you think the monster is sitting still for all this? OF COURSE NOT. So it's a real aerobic workout. Anyways, you let the monster's blood ferment for a few days and then you have it blessed by the pope and then you have it frozen into a giant popsicle and then you have to trick the monster into eating the popsicle, which will kill him. That took awhile, and now I have all my neighbors coming to the door night and day to thank me for finally killing that monster, and I was happy to do it, but they could have at least offered to help, you know? Or at least chip in a little something to defray the costs of killing the monster? Stop bringing me fruitcakes, neighbors. Start bringing me money. Or I might not kill the next monster, if you know what I mean.

So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 7

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I have been going to night school for cosmetology. I thought I would have plenty of time to blog during the day but it turns out there's a lot of homework. But! I have never been more bee-you-tiful. Every day I paint my fingernails a different color, and I paint my toenails a different but complimentary color. I do something time-consuming to my hair every day; examples include perming it, straightening it, and dyeing it. I put on all sorts of sparkly make-up. Then I criticize my work to myself in the mirror until I make myself cry. If my mascara runs, then I have to start ALL OVER. So that's the daytime routine, and then there are the classes all night, so as you can see every minute of the day is pretty well accounted for. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 6

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I was waiting in line to see High School Musical 3. And there was a long line because we all know that the High School Musical thing is really really popular. It was so awesome that I was blinded by awesomeness so then I had to wait in line to see it again. And again and again and again because you guys, it was so sad! It was their senior year! And they dance in the rain? OMG, it was so awesome I might have to stop writing this post right this very second and go see HSM3 (that's totally what the kids call it) again. I must have seen it like a bazillion times. Also I've been really busy listening to the Jonas Brothers and I've been crying really hard because that one Jonas brother dumped Taylor Swift and OMG I thought they were soulmates. I can't wait to hear the songs Taylor Swift writes about that! But hopefully it will not make that one Jonas brother's diabetes any worse! As you can see, I really have my finger on the pulse of what's hot and hip these days, so paying attention to that takes up a lot of my time. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 5

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I got a haircut. I cut off like two or three inches of hair. Kinda a big deal for me. But maybe you've heard of a guy named Samson? Got a haircut and lost all his powers? THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME?! And when I think about what my powers might be, they generally relate to blogging. So blogging was the first thing to go.

And you know what's weird? I got my hair cut by a person named Delilah? And while she was cutting my hair, that lady Delilah was on the radio? She plays all the love songs? The radio Delilah makes me want to pull my eyelashes out so I was busy doing that as well. In addition to the loss of blogging powers. But luckily some fuzz is starting to reappear and my powers are slowly coming back. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 4

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I was stuck in traffic. Really, really bad traffic. For a few days I was stuck in traffic next to a chicken place and I could run in and get fried chicken so that was good. I listened to like seven audio books and won four radio call-in contests. I was able to fill up on gas at extremely low prices -- gas is under two dollars in Atlanta now! Slowly, slowly, I inched along, dreaming up blog entries I might write were I ever to get home again. I kept waiting to pass some construction or a car accident or something that would explain why traffic was at a standstill. Never saw anything, and I watched the news the second I got home to see what they said about it. They had no idea, so it remains a mystery. But boy, was I glad to get to a bathroom after two weeks in traffic! So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 3

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. Remember how Barack Obama was elected on November 4? And how he started working on his cabinet and filling his high-ranking posts? Well, I have been busy getting vetted by Barack Obama. Due to national security, I can't really tell you what post I was up for, but let's just say I would probably meet the Pope, the Queen and Vladimir Putin were I selected for this post. I also can't tell you where I am in the vetting process, and I probably won't even be able to tell you if I'm selected. Security is that tight! As you've probably read in the news, Barack is taking a pretty hard line on his cabinet choices and asking them all sorts of weird questions about embarrassing emails or internet activity. While the blog is far from embarrassing, I just thought it was best to let my online persona lay low for awhile. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 2

Okay, that last entry was a lie. Here is why there have been no blogs since November 4. I have been training for a competitive eating contest. My specialty is pancakes. I can eat pancakes like nobody's business. Here's my trick: eat a pancake, take a shot of syrup. Then a shot of tequila. Everything just slides down to the stomach real fast that way. Anyways, it got hard to blog because I was eating all the time and the last thing you want to do on a full stomach is blog and then my stomach exploded and I had to go to the hospital.

I tried to blog from the hospital and I wrote the funniest post ever. It was so, so funny I can't even begin to tell you. I was laughing so hard that all of my stomach stitches (from the surgery after my stomach exploded from eating so many pancakes) got ripped out and my ribs cracked and I figured that entry was just so funny that I couldn't post it on my blog or you guys would get hurt as well. And I had to stay in the hospital for a little bit longer.

One day, my doctor was handing me a laptop for blogging purposes and I guess I moved funny because he accidentally conked me in the head with it. I had amnesia and forgot how to type. Then when I remembered how to type, I realized I had forgotten all my internet passwords, including my blog password. Once I remembered and got out of the hospital, I wrote this entry first thing. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.

Why no blogs? # 1

Perhaps you are wondering why there have been no blogs since Nov. 4. Well, I can tell you, I was very very busy. I was off in the Himalayas climbing Mount Everest. It's only like, the highest mountain on Earth, so it took awhile.

Hey, you might be saying, I didn't know Molly could climb mountains. Oh, but I can. I took the southeast route and followed in the footsteps of Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay. The good news is, I didn't die. The bad news is, I couldn't blog and I got altitude sickness. My camera broke on the first day so I can't post any pictures, but I had a really nice Sherpa named Pembo and he did some sketches that he has promised to mail to me. Probably my favorite sketch was one Pembo did real quickly when I discovered a dead body from the previous winter.

I made some good friends up there…Pembo, my climbing partner Marty, and our yak, Dandelion. For awhile we thought we were out of food and would have to eat Dandelion, but it turns out the rations were just at the bottom of the bag. Altitude sickness can make you do weird things!

I thought about blogging from the top of the mountain but I was too tired. And it was cold and there was a monsoon. So that's why there have been no blogs for the past 14 days.