animal cruelty

Today I was driving home from work, and there was a truck going in the opposite direction. The truck driver stuck his head out the window and let loose a big old gob of spit, which landed right on my windshield. It was so gross. Grosser, I think, than having a bird poop on the windshield, because I have higher expectations from humans than I do from birds.

One time, I was walking down the street in Seattle, and this guy walking past me let loose some spit. I guess he was aiming for the ground, but since there was a slight breeze, the spit stayed aloft and hit me right on the arm. Neither the dude nor the lady he was with thought it was that big a deal, if the half-hearted apology I got was any indication. I suppose it's possible they were on drugs. People spit all over the sidewalks of Seattle. There's not as much walking around in Atlanta as there is in Seattle, but today I learned that even if you don't have to see everyone's deposits of spit on the sidewalk, then you still might have to see them on your very own car.

Look, I didn't mean to get off on such a spitting tangent. I am tired. The whole reason I started to blog was to share this picture of how I was cruel to my fish this past weekend. I thought it might help keep the little guy in line if I put a package of tuna fish right next to his bowl. As you can see from his body language, of keeping still and facing straight ahead, he was not amused. I probably made a bigger deal than I should have in making and eating those tuna fish sandwiches.

Geez, now that I am writing about what I put poor Alvin through, I feel I kind of deserved that spit globule. I am the worst fish owner in the world. I am sorry, Alvin. I promise to never chunk you up and mix you with mayonnaise, dijon mustard, onion and relish for a sandwichy treat, no matter how hungry I may get. Please don't spit on me.

robot riding a cat

The other day I was in a meeting at work. I had a pad and a pen to take notes. I started to write something down but ended up drawing a cat instead. Then the speaker said something about robots so I ended up drawing a robot also. But since I didn't really plan to draw either thing, they just happened, I didn't really plan out the page very well, and it ended up looking like the robot was standing on the cat.

I ended up being kind of taken with the image so I decided to try to replicate it in crayon:

Then I decided to draw a clown fish pulling a clown along:

Then I drew a cowgirl riding on a turtle, lassoing the moon.

The turtle has cowboy boots also. I'm still thinking about what my pictures mean, and I think it has something to with the interactions between man and nature?

happy birthday to the best fish I know

Today is a big day in my apartment. Today is my fish Alvin’s birthday!!! Well, technically it is merely the anniversary of the date he came to live with me, but that is far more depressing and time-consuming to say and surely he wasn’t swimming around in that little cup in the pet store for too terribly long before I came to rescue him and put him into a slightly larger home. You can read the story of his arrival here: http://iwiggleitjustalittlebit.blogspot.com/2008/04/something-fishy-is-going-on.html

In honor of Alvin’s birthday, I decided to see what was happening on this date in history. And it is not good at all. It’s the anniversary of Columbine. It’s Hitler’s birthday. If I had gotten him a day earlier, he could have shared an anniversary with Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI and with Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier, as both couples were married on April 19. Plus he could have shared an anniversary with Pope Benedict XVI, who was elected pope that day. Or, if I had gotten him on April 21, he could have at least shared a birthday with Queen Elizabeth II. But noooooooooo. I had to give him Hitler and Columbine. I am such a bad fish owner.

Overall, though, Alvin and I have had a pretty good year together. I think it was a good year for me because I didn’t kill him, and also because I stopped having elaborate fantasies that I would come home from work to find him dead. I’m glad those ended because they were really messing with my head. And I think Alvin would say it was a good year for him because he doesn’t live in a little cup at the fish store anymore, and he could have gone home with some crazy person who might have had cats that would have eaten him by now.

That’s not to say it’s all been roses. As I have mentioned before on my blog, Alvin is a pretty emotionally needy fish, and he gets very upset when I leave for work or vacation, particularly the latter, because it means I leave a feeding pellet in his bowl that leaves the water cloudy and smelly. And that means I’ll have to change the water when I return, and Alvin does not like that one bit because he becomes convinced that I am trying to kill him, even though I speak sweetly and reassuringly to him the entire time I clean his bowl.

Still, we have come to an agreement. I will give him two pellets a day and in return, he won’t die and traumatize me. I can put up with his attitude if he can put up with the fact that he has to live in a tiny bowl with a fake frog. To celebrate his birthday, I am going to make taco salad and we will watch Dancing with the Stars, because most of the costumes resemble the fringe and flash that Alvin himself has. Happy birthday, Alvin!

i could have danced all night

Man oh man. What an Inauguration Day. We got to take a little pause from work and watch the swearing-in and the speeches. People in the office broke into applause after Obama took the oath of office and then you could have heard a pin drop while Obama gave his speech. What a moment.

But now I am home and on the couch and watching all the commentators re-live the day. And the Obamas are going to TEN balls! I would be happy just to go to one ball in a big poofy dress but they are going to TEN! So I decided to make a list ten balls that I would like to go to:

1. Pope Ball
This would be a ball held in Vatican City. The Pope sits in a chair and watches everyone dance. All the males have to come dressed as their favorite pope. Or they get assigned a pope, because we don't want everyone coming as just John Paul II or something. Maybe it would be creepy to dance with a man dressed as a pope; after all, they are supposed to be celibate. But I think I would get over it. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type wore in the Renaissance.

2. Southern Belle Ball
By this I mean a ball that takes place in the south. I know I live in Atlanta, so it's not inconceivable that I could go to such a ball one day. But I'd like the ball to take place in pre-Civil War times, ideally. I am pretty much modeling this idea on a few scenes in Gone with the Wind. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type worn in the pre-war south.

3. Underwater Ball
I keep hearing about these snazzy restaurants where you eat in enclosed glass while fish swim all around you. This would be a ball like that. Where you dance in glass surrounded by fish. But only pretty fish. No scary fish. Nothing like eels or anything. Requested attire: Whatever dress you want.

4. Art Museum Ball
I was thinking of some awesome art museums in Europe that would be fun to have a party in. So just a ball where people get to run around in an art museum. Particularly one with sculpture all around. And you can say things like, "Darling, go get me a class of wine and I will wait for you by the Monet." Requested attire: an outfit that has actually been in a painting.

5. Castle Ball
I guess this is sort of obvious. But what would really make this ideal is if we still lived in the kind of world where there was really a chance of meeting a prince and becoming princess and have it mean something. If there was still really that stress of producing male heirs to continue the monarchy. I can't decide what time period I'd want, or even what monarchy I want to marry into. But basically a big ol' royalty ball.

6. North Pole Ball
This would be an outside ball. It would be all snowy, but not uncomfortably cold. There are a ton of elves, both male and female, so that you always have someone to dance with. Santa dances with all the ladies. You get presents at this ball. You arrive at this ball in a sleigh. I know these aren't Christmas per se, but if some adorable creatures could scamper around during the dancing, that would be ideal.

7. Cheese Ball
Picture a huge cheese wheel. Like the hugest cheese wheel you've ever seen. Now picture it 29384093840293840 percent bigger…so big that we could carve out the middle of it and have a circular cheese wall big enough for people to dance in. At the ball they would serve the cheese that was carved out of the middle, but it would also be encouraged to just take pieces of cheese from the wall. Cause the ball is not over until all of the cheese walls are eaten. Requested attire: a big poofy dress that is loose enough to accommodate you eating a lot of cheese.

8. Roller skating ball
You know how fun it is to wear a huge poofy dress? And you know how fun it is to roller skate? Well, COMBINE THE TWO and you have a roller skating ball.

9. Amusement Park Ball
You can dance all over the amusement park. OR YOU CAN RIDE ALL THE RIDES. Also all the concession stands are free during the ball so you can eat lots of hot dogs and funnel cakes.

10. White House Ball
But this isn't an inaugural ball. Oh no. This is a ball where all the dead presidents appear and dance with the living. You can chat them up about what they think about the country now and they try to offer you snacks that were typical of their time. Lincoln would be a total playa at this ball and would always be trying to show the ladies the Lincoln Bedroom.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming

Well, it took me two weeks, but I finished my cousin-related blogs. But life didn't stop while I wrote those! So here are the top 7 things that happened in the last two weeks that deserve a blog mention. Normally I might put them all in separate posts but based on how long these last blogs took me it might be a week-and-a-half before I finished. And who knows what will happen in that time?!?

1. I learned that the brush that is behind my sink is used for cleaning dishes! Previously I thought the device was just a sort of decorative accessory, much like my canister of spatulas and the like. But I learned that some people actually use it to do things when my parents came to visit me. We went to the UVA vs. Georgia Tech football game. Luckily UVA won or it would have been sad.

2. I also learned about centerpieces and candles when my parents came to visit. On my kitchen table I have these flower candlesticks, and on my kitchen counter I have these brightly colored candles. But my mom says I have to put all those things away because they are too spring- and summer-like. Now I have to have an autumnal centerpiece and autumnal candles. My autumnal centerpiece has gourds! After autumn is over, I have to put up a Christmas centerpiece and Christmas candles. Then I think I have to put up a Martin Luther King Jr. centerpiece. Keeping track of centerpieces is really hard but luckily I have my mom nearby to help!

3. I learned that a certain mall in the Atlanta area that shall remain nameless is going to have a service where pictures can be taken with Santa. But not for children. FOR PETS. If you need a picture of your pet taken with Santa, then let me know and I can hook you up. But you have to understand that something like this is the kind of thing that makes me hate people with pets and I will judge you. Though I am pondering taking my fish Alvin in for a picture in the hopes that the mall might see how ridiculous their idea is.

4. I learned that Samantha Parkington will be retired as an American Girl doll. This particularly stings as Samantha was the American Girl doll I had when I was little. Why oh why is someone crapping on my childhood? How will the girls of tomorrow ever thrive without this sweet orphan living with her relatives in 1904? Who teaches poor girls that live next door how to read? Why should they be deprived of buying the absolutely adorable school dress that I wish to God I could have worn to school? Or deprived of reenacting what happened when Uncle Gard brought Cornelia home for the holidays? How will they ever learn what a petit four is?

5. Someone is trying to communicate with me via Amazon emails. While I try not to talk about work on my blog, I will tell you that I've had a few unhappy days lately. And on one of the days that was most frustrating, I get an email from Amazon.com with the suggestion that I might enjoy Herman Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener." This is the classic tale of a man that just starts saying that he prefers not to do work that's assigned to him. Is this some message from God about what I am supposed to do?!?!

6. A sad lesson was learned: video games trump literature. Here's what happened. For the Halloween office party I dressed up as the Ghost of John Steinbeck, using a white sheet and my John Steinbeck shirt. I carried around some grapes and threw them at people. But despite only four people entering the costume contest, I did not win. I lost to a girl who dressed up as Mario. Of Mario and Luigi fame. So don't bother reading, kids. You will not win office costume contests that way. Just play video games.

7. Finally, last Monday I was stopped at a red light and saw two guys having a fight. IT WAS SO EXCITING! I think it would be awesome if the City of Atlanta could install unhappy people at every long light because then we would have some entertainment while we waited and maybe people would not run red lights and cause accidents. The particular fight I witnessed involved two males fighting. Apparently they have had a turbulent past because one of them had a restraining order on the other. But the very guy who took out the restraining order was trying to see the other one. And the other one was not happy, because he could have gone to jail if they were seen. So he kept saying, "If you really love me, just leave. If you really love me, just walk away. Because if you don't walk away, I'll go to jail. Please, please leave if you love me." Did the other guy leave? I DON'T KNOW! The light turned green and I had to go! Never have I been so sad about a green light!

fish sticks

I thought everyone might like an update on my fish, Alvin. Yesterday was our two-week anniversary. We’ve had some highs and lows (mostly lows) but we are finally finding our footing. Here is a review of our time together:

--In the first few days after I brought Alvin home I was wracked with tremendous guilt. What if the next person in the pet store was going to take him home to a gigantic 1000 gallon aquarium? He would have had a much more exciting life than being stuck in a little bowl. I did not think he looked very happy in the bowl.

--For most of the past two weeks I have been convinced that Alvin is blind, because he would come right up near his fish food, and he would open his mouth like he was going to eat, but he would always miss the food. I didn’t see him eat something until yesterday. Maybe he thought I was trying to poison him.

--Alvin seems to have figured out that my current fear in life is coming home from work and finding him dead. So he’s developed a hilarious routine where he hovers near the top of the bowl and does not move even a gill. I freak out because I think he has died. Then he moves again. That’s so funny, Alvin. So funny.

--Last week I had to change Alvin’s water and it really caused some trust issues between us. I guess it caused him some trauma and he got very skittish whenever I was nearby. We are doing a little better now but I will probably have to change his water again soon. I fear it will be a vicious cycle.

--He has this little frog in the tank with him who is supposed to serve as decoration. I think they might be having an affair. Alvin is obsessed with that frog.

--Alvin continues to be a very good swimmer and he shows off his big flashy tail a lot. Right now he is swimming up on the side of the bowl like maybe eventually he’ll find a way out.

I guess that’s about it. In conclusion, I’d like to thank my brother George, who used to work in a pet store and has had to answer a lot of questions about fish. Also when I called him to wish him happy birthday, I had a minor freakout that Alvin was dead. I hope that didn’t ruin your birthday, George. It turns out he wasn’t dead.

something fishy is going on

In the recent post where I recounted some memorable birthdays, I did not include my birthday in 2004, but I will go into some more detail here. It was my senior year at Emory, and I asked my roommate to throw me a hot dog cookout and bowling party, and it was great. And I also told my friend Adam that what I wanted more than anything for my birthday was some goldfish. Adam agreed to get me a goldfish.

I set to work on a list of possible names for my goldfish. I hope I am not spoiling anything by telling you that I the time I spent thinking up possible names for my fish far exceeded the time I got to spend with the actual fish. Because the fish died. But I am getting ahead of myself.

My birthday was on a Thursday that year (it’s important to remember the days in this story, because there are so few of them). I got my fish at my birthday party and I was delighted that there were two, and not just the one that I asked for (Adam said that one fish looked too lonely in there). I was pretty happy because it meant I got to use two of the names from my very long list. I named the fish Bruce (after a guy who read the trivia questions at a trivia night that Adam and I liked to go to) and Green Bean (after one of my favorite foods). In a lot of the pictures of my birthday party, you can see the little guys just swimming away in the background, blissfully unaware of the awful dooms that await them.

Friday I watched them swim for awhile, and then I went to class and had lunch with Adam. “I just can’t bear to be away from them,” I remember saying. “It must be how mothers feel when they take children to day care so they can go to work. I feel like I’m missing so much of their development.” I can acknowledge that perhaps this response was “overdramatic” and that I probably have no idea what it’s like to miss your children’s developmental milestones. What I’m trying to get across is that these fish were really fucking important to me.

Saturday morning, my heart shattered into a million little pieces. I awoke, and looked over to my dresser, where I had put the bowl so I could see it when I first woke up. Green Bean was floating at the top of the bowl! What a miserable day. I had to try to get one dead goldfish out of the bowl and flush him and then study for a test. Adam did admit that the guy at the pet store might have suggested that the bowl was not big enough for two goldfish. I changed the water and tried to move on.

It was clear, though, that Bruce never recovered from losing Green Bean. On Saturday and Sunday, it was clear that he was looking for something, and he would look out at me with his big heartbroken fish eyes, seemingly asking, “Where is my brother? Where is my friend? Where is my Green Bean?” And I, dealing with my own pain, had no answers to give him.

Sunday evening, I was watching Bruce swim and ruminating on loss. How someone we had known for such a short time had affected us both so much. And then, Bruce just lost it. Perhaps the grief of being a lone goldfish was too much. But as I watched, he had what must have been the equivalent of a fish seizure, or he committed some form of fish suicide. I can still see it in my head, but it’s hard to describe. He swam into the side of the bowl at a high speed, and then swam to the top really fast, and then all of a sudden he turned over and he was dead. I HAD TO SIT THERE AND WATCH MY FISH DIE. I don’t know if anyone believed that I saw the actual moment of passing, but I am telling you, I have seen the life force leave a being. And even a being so small as a fish, well, that is hard to watch.

As you might imagine, it’s hard to just get over that. And I have not had anything, not even a plant to take care of in the past few years because it’s just too likely that I will kill it or it will die. And I don’t know exactly what has changed, if it’s sheer hope and optimism from moving to a new place and starting over, but today I got a new fish.

He is a beta and I have named him Alvin. I named him Alvin because he is red, and because I recently saw the movie “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” I just laughed every time that squeaky chipmunk talked. Plus when I come out of my room in the morning, and if Alvin is doing something zany or making trouble, I can wave my hands in the air and go, “ALVIN!” Just like Dave in the movie/tv show. It will be hilarious.

So far Alvin’s favorite things to do are swim around the perimeter of the bowl, swim up to the top of the water, and hover at random places. He has this tail that looks kind of like fringe so I think he looks like he is dressed to compete on Dancing with the Stars. I have not fed him yet but the pet store lady says that he will just go apeshit for bloodworms, so now I have dried bloodworms in my apartment. It might be worth noting that I don't really have any human food in my kitchen right now, but I have dried bloodworms. Who am I? Right now he is on my kitchen counter which hopefully won’t present too many ethical problems, because I don’t really cook fish in my apartment (I don’t really cook anything in my apartment). Although it might be a salmonella risk?

Anyways, the pet store lady said he could last as long as seven years if I take care of him right, so hopefully I won’t have another sad story about fish death in seven days or something. I mean, if this goes well, who knows what I’ll get next. Maybe a plant!

Meet the newest member of the family: