the first two questions

Throughout the week, I will address the topics provided by BAM(H)!, probably two per post. Let’s get started.

1. Is Rachael Ray on crack?
Yes, Rachael Ray is on crack. But I don't mean that in a literal way, in a way that Rachael Ray might sue me for libel if she were to read this. I mean it in the pretend, fake crack way. Rachael Ray is on fake crack. But here's where I stand on Rachael Ray: It is fairly well-known that I am not a good cook, and that I do not like to cook, and that I resent the amount of time it takes to cook things. When people hear these objections of mine to cooking, they usually say, “well, you should check out Rachael Ray, because she cooks entire meals in 30 minutes.” And, I, thinking that 30 minutes sounded reasonable for a cooking time, did check out the show. But what Rachael Ray accomplishes in 30 minutes would probably take me 3 hours. She cooks so fast! How does she cook so fast, and talk so fast? Plus did you know that she has three shows?! Where does she get all that time? The answer, as BAM(H)! has hypothesized, is indeed crack (fake kind). Plus, Rachael Ray says things like this, which definitely sound like the (fake) crack talking: “You know I never make a soup without a dunker. How bout you?” That’s a quote I wrote down like a year ago, thinking that I’d need it one day, and low and behold, I have used it.

2. Novelty toilet paper???
I’m going to take a crack at this one (pun intended), because this topic came up when I saw Brad and Mary Henry at a party last night. I sensed that BAM(H)! might come down on the anti-novelty toilet paper side, but I am going pro-novelty toilet paper, because as I mentioned to them, life is too short to use boring toilet paper. But I mean, I do have some limits. All the inks in novelty toilet paper should be safe for use, and they should not give me a rash or infection in any way. It would be helpful if the novelty toilet paper had like a game, so I had something to do in there, or, if the novelty toilet paper was instructive, or had trivia. For example, imagine being at a dinner party. You go to the bathroom, find novelty toilet paper with fun facts. You can come back to the dinner table with interesting things to say, and everyone will think, wow, that person was thinking of some deep stuff when they were in the bathroom! I think the case for novelty toilet paper has now been made clear.