color me mine

Here are some questions that BAM(H) asked about various colors!

15. Are universities with the color orange in their "spirit colors" trying to make lots of people look like giant cheetos?
You ask this question as if you have something against cheetos. Cheetos are very delicious, and I feel that if we were to assign a personality to this inanimate object, then I bet we would find that cheetos are pretty jolly most of the time. I think there are probably worse things than for a crowd to be dressed as a bunch of giant cheetos, although I could foresee a time in which some aliens come down from outer space, and they fly over a football stadium, and they say, “hey, let’s go eat all those giant cheetos.” But that’s really the only danger I can think of at this minute.

My father’s school colors are blue and orange, so I conducted a brief, informal interview with him regarding how he feels about the orange. It was so informal that I did not take notes, but here’s what I remember of the conversation.

Molly: Dad, how do you feel about your school’s colors?
Dad: I like them.
Molly: Really? Even orange?
Dad: Yes.
Molly: What if your school sent you a letter and said that they were thinking about changing the school colors. Would you be happy? Would you rather have different colors than blue and orange? How would you respond to that letter?
Dad: I guess at this point, I would want the colors to remain the same due to tradition.
Molly: Would you wear a giant orange sweatshirt that said “Virginia,” even if it made you look like a giant cheeto?
Dad: Yes.
Molly: Would you wear a giant orange sweatshirt if it did not say “Virginia”?
Dad: I guess I wouldn’t.
Molly: So your affection for the color orange is pretty strictly tied to its association with the University of Virginia?
Dad: Yes.

So here’s what I think we’ve learned: My dad would wear an orange sweatshirt if it said the school name. He would not wear an orange sweatshirt if it did not say the name. Schools probably pick outrageous colors so that when people wear them, they really stand out. Because everyone wears navy or hunter green sweatshirts, they pick loud colors so that fans can pick their fellow fans out of a crowd. Because I bet when my dad sees an orange sweatshirt, he at least subconsciously tries to check if it is a UVA fan. Or, he is looking to see if it’s a giant cheeto walking down the street.

16. Is anyone really the color of "nude pantyhose"?
I really hate pantyhose. I think they are the worst invention in the history of the whole world. My mom says that when I wear them, I walk like I have a corncob stuck up my butt. I don’t like the way they feel, and I don’t like the sound they make when they rub together. Why should we be surprised that the evil, evil, really bad people who create pantyhose have also created a color that matches absolutely no one? Of course no one is the color of nude pantyhose, because pantyhose are an abomination against God, and there’s no reason they should even exist in the first place.