An astrological reading for Mary Henry and Brad

First I should probably note that I don’t know anything about astrology. But in honor of BAM(H)! POW! SOB! I thought we should take a look at what’s in the stars for Brad and Mary Henry.

Mary Henry was born on September 20. This makes Mary Henry a Virgo. Wikipedia says that Virgos are careless with their fingernails and that their token animal is a bushbaby. Brad was born on December 6th. This makes Brad a Sagittarius. Wikipedia says that Sagittarians’ favorite seasoning is garlic butter, but it does not explain why and it is driving me crazy! How do you not explain something like that?! Anyways, according to Wikipedia, Virgo and Sagittarius are semi-compatible! Way to go! That is one step up from Not Compatible! Apparently you do not have similar personalities! Good luck with that!

I have looked into my crystal ball and predict that both of you will have very busy, yet fulfilling years, with the busy times peaking around the summer season and around major religious holidays. I predict that your town will get a lot of new, delicious restaurants, and I am not just predicting that because you might have alluded to that in the past. I predict that you both will spend a fair amount of time outside. I predict that Brad will receive a lot of candy this summer. I predict that Christmas will be in seven days. I predict that pink will be the new black. I predict that if you are careful with your personal data, you can avoid identity theft.

All astrologists and fortune tellers know that it all comes down to the day you were born. So let’s take a look at the important events and happenings on your days of birth:

Mary Henry:
-On September 20 in 1878, Upton Sinclair was born. I predict that this means that Mary Henry will never have to work in a dirty meatpacking plant.
-On that day in 1957, Fran Drescher was born. I predict that this means that you will have a nanny someday.
-On that day in 1973, Jim Croce died. I predict that this means that you will not be able to trap time in a bottle. So don’t even try!
-On that day in 1948, the Mexican Baseball League disbanded. I predict that this means that you will never play baseball in Mexico.
-On that day in 1973, Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs in the battle-of-the-sexes tennis match. I predict that this means that Mary Henry will always beat boys when she plays them in games.
-In Laos, they celebrate Thanksgiving on this day! I predict your next vacation will be in Laos!

Brad:
-On December 6 in 1889, Jefferson Davis died. Brad, this means that you are the last best hope for preserving the Confederacy.
-On that day in 1926, Claude Monet died. Brad, perhaps you can preserve the Confederacy through painting.
-On that day in 1988, Roy Orbison died. Brad, perhaps you can preserve the Confederacy through singing sad songs in a distinctive voice. Perhaps you are also blind.
-On that day in 1849, Harriet Tubman escaped from slavery in Maryland. Brad, why would you want to preserve the Confederacy when slavery is such a heinous crime against man?
-On that day in 1865, the 13th Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery. Brad, it looks like your painting and your songs couldn’t preserve the Confederacy, or slavery.
-On that day in 1975, Robert Dole and Elizabeth Hanford married. Brad, perhaps you are a Republican.

To sum up, what do the stars hold for Mary Henry and Brad? I don’t know. I’m writing it when it’s daytime and the stars are not out yet. If you want to learn more about yourselves, might I suggest you check here: http://www.astrology-online.com/sagittar.htm and here: http://www.astrology-online.com/virgo.htm.