I forgot January 3!!!

Oh crap. Right after I posted that last entry I realized that I had left January 3rd off, which is the real end of this week. But then I realized that leaving that date off provided me with something of an opportunity. See, after this coming January 3, the date will be forever remembered as the day that my cousin Mary Henry got married to Brad; faithful readers of the blog will remember that last year around this time, there was a whole week dedicated to Mary Henry and Brad as they provided me with a list of questions I could answer to rack up more blog entries. Well, it seems they’ve done it again, because by leaving off January 3 in the last post, I have the opportunity to give it more attention, and also, a separate entry. Even when they’re not even trying, Brad and Mary Henry manage to help me reach my blog goals.

So let’s take a look back at January 3’s history, to determine if it is an auspicious date for marriage.

Notable Events occurring this day:
1496: Leonard da Vinci unsuccessfully tests a flying machine.
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: Even geniuses fail, so don’t give up on the marriage if one time you have a fight.

1925: Benito Mussolini announces he’s taking dictatorial powers over Italy
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: No one should act like a dictator in marriage, because dictatorships are generally not well-remembered.

1953: Frances Bolton and her son, Oliver, become the first mother and son to serve simultaneously in the U.S. Congress.
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: Teach your children well, as Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young would say.

1962: Pope John XXIII excommunicates Fidel Castro.
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: See above re: dictators. Also, don’t become communist.

Notable births occurring this day:
1892: J.R.R. Tolkien
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: Not all those who wander are lost. But if you do think your spouse is lost, you should probably go look for them since you're sorta responsible for them now. Also, if you don't, you might be a suspect in the disappearance.

1945: Stephen Stills
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: I would just like to say that you know how above, I wrote that you should “teach your children well”? I wrote that BEFORE I EVEN KNEW THAT TODAY WAS STEPHEN STILLS’ BIRTHDAY, WHICH HAS GOTTA BE SOME KIND OF GOOD SIGN FOR BRAD AND MARY HENRY.

1956: Mel Gibson
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: You shouldn’t abandon the Episcopal church to follow any weird offshoots of Catholicism.

Notable deaths occurring this day:
1903: Alois Hitler, father of Adolf Hitler
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: What is it with you guys and dictators??

2002: Freddy Heineken
What this means for Brad and Mary Henry: Drink Dutch beer whenever possible.

Overall, it seems like Brad and Mary Henry will really be able to claim this day as their own, because not too many significant historic things happened. I approve it as a good choice.

All good things must come to an end

Whew, well, that’s it! I have addressed all of the prompts provided by Mary Henry and Brad, and that’s the close of BAM(H)! POW! SOB!

Technically I will note that the list provided had 29 prompts, the 29th being “HAPPY NEW YEAR!”, but I will address that in my own way next week.

On a personal note, in the middle of this big week on the blog, something pretty exciting happened---I got a job! I’m moving to Atlanta next month. My policy of not talking about work on the blog will continue, so you’ll have to chat with me if you would like to know more about what I’ll be doing. It's gonna be fun!

So, sadly, my ability to hang out with Mary Henry and Brad will not be as plentiful as it was during these last few months of unemployment. But don’t worry, guys, we will always have the memory of BAM(H)! POW! SOB! to keep us together. Thank you so much for the list of writing topics. I really appreciate your help in the assistance of my goal of writing 200 blog entries this year. After BAM(H)! POW! SOB! week, I have less than ten entries to go!

Poll #5 Results

We had a special BAM(H)! POW! SOB! poll this week!

Here was the poll:
Mary Henry and Brad’s favorite thing to do:
-Making jewelry and selling it at local fairs and festivals
-Auditioning for reality television programs
-Getting things pierced
-Reading books about zoology

Results:
0% chose making jewelry. That one was a trick because while Mary Henry and Brad just adore making jewelry, they don’t sell it at local fairs and festivals. They keep it all for themselves and their stuffed animals.

63% chose auditioning for reality television programs. I think they audition for all kinds of television programs, including soap operas, game shows, and hospital dramas, but it does seem like they have a special affinity for realty programming, in particular the work of Mike Rowe.

27% chose getting things pierced. If this is true, then I do not want to know too much about it.

9% chose reading books about zoology. Congratulations! If you chose this one, you chose correctly. Brad and Mary Henry just love zoos and animals and they really just go cuckoo for books on those subjects. I’m really sorry that more people didn’t pick this option. I know I did.

Thanks to everyone who participated in the poll. That was the last poll for the year 2007. Polls will return again in 2008.

The last questions!

Here's the last batch of BAM(H)! POW! SOB! questions provided! I threw all these together because they were the most random, and the hardest to think of answers for!

23. Mike Huckabee is scarier than W
Do you feel this way because you are scared of Chuck Norris?

24. The freecreditreport.com song, while it is extremely annoying, it gets stuck in your head
Every time I turn around, there is an entirely new freecreditreport.com commercial! So now I can’t even say that all of them are stuck in my head. I know that one with the pirates in the restaurant pretty well. Annoying songs are just meant to get stuck in one’s head. I am reminded of that episode of Cheers where Rebecca wanted a jingle for the bar, but she didn’t like the tune they did because it was annoying and just put the phone number of the bar over a children’s song. But then Woody walked by and sang another place’s phone number to the tune of a children’s song, and Rebecca realized she made a mistake by not hiring the guy. Or something like that. Anyways, I kind of like the guy who plays the pirate. He’s from France.

25. There hasn't been a good movie made in America in years.
I would disagree. John Cusack makes most of his movies in America (exceptions: Max, maybe there were a few filmed in Canada), and these are really good movies.

26. Why are 12-year-olds so much older than I was when I was 12?
I think they put hormones in the water now.

27. The American Family Association has called for a boycott of Target due to its support of same-sex benefits. Thoughts & reactions.
I think the American Family Association should consider boycotting stores that do not offer any benefits, because I would guess that’s probably way more damaging to a family.

28. Bumper stickers on a car: W 2004 next to "Keep Asheville Weird"?? WTF
Asheville is an interesting place. There are a lot of hippies, and when I was in high school, Rolling Stone did an article that called Asheville the New Freak Capital (most of the article really dealt with a guy who ran around naked who ran for City Council). Yet there are also a lot of conservative people. I guess BAM(H) was surprised that both of these stickers would be on the same car.

One of the criticisms I remember about the “Keep Austin Weird” movement is that you can’t necessarily cultivate weirdness. And isn’t it kind of uncool to know how weird you are? And can weirdness be a movement per se? Isn’t it kind of lame that Asheville just stole Austin’s slogan? I think if you agree with these kinds of criticisms, then you can see how a person who is technically a conservative might want to view themselves as weird and as supporting Asheville’s weirdness. I really don’t think the true Asheville weirdos are really the ones buying the “Keep Asheville Weird” stickers.

But hey, everyone who reads this blog likes the Avett Brothers, right? In an interview, Scott Avett was talking about how Asheville was a good fit for the band because it was mix of freaks and conservatives: “I think the really good thing about Asheville is that you can get some of the same, I would say creative progressiveness, as you get in New York City, with the same contrast of conservative countryness, which is a mixture of what we are.” So while it might be odd to see both bumper stickers on the same car, I think we have to support it if it’s going to help the Avett Brothers thrive.

i'm not really too hungry right now, but thanks for asking

Here are some BAM(H)! POW! SOB! questions about food!!!!!

20. Why does Hot Dog World have the best Greek salad in the world?
I have never had the Greek salad at Hot Dog World. Hot Dog World is a restaurant in Hendersonville, where Brad and Mary Henry live. In the Candler/Asheville area, we have Hot Dog King, and I do not believe that they serve Greek salad.

But I guess I don’t understand how anyone ever tried the Greek salad at Hot Dog World in the first place. Even if I were to visit Hot Dog World, knowing that they have a really good Greek salad, it would be hard for me to turn down the hot dogs. Because hot dogs are so delicious, and this is their world! If I were in a place called Greek Salad World (a.k.a. Greece), I certainly wouldn’t order hot dogs!

But I did learn a valuable lesson about not judging restaurants by their appearances the other day. In Asheville, there’s this restaurant that’s essentially attached to a gas station, and in most circumstances, that would lead me to say, “ewwwww.” But we went to this restaurant the other day, and I had a very delicious Cuban sandwich. The delicious food at this restaurant attached to a gas station taught me that maybe I need to get past any stereotypes that I might hold in relation to food. This would include ordering a Greek salad even if I am in a place devoted to hot dogs.

But I think the original question is moot because Apollo Flame in Asheville has the best Greek salad in the world.

21. Ice cream...some days you need mix-ins, some days you don't
One time after we ate dinner, BAM(H)! and I went to Marble Slab, which is one of those places where you pick an ice cream and some mix-ins, such as fruit or candy, and they mash it all up together for you. These places have different names all across the country, and dare I say, the world.

Sometimes ice cream with mix-ins is a really nice treat. You can feel kind of like a mad scientist or a culinary genius as you pick your combinations. But sometimes I would just rather have ice cream as-is. This is probably due to the fact that there are already many wonderful pre-packaged ice creams, including moose tracks and mint chocolate chip. So it’s hard to improve a good thing. But there are two problems that I sometimes have with mix-in ice cream: 1. Sometimes the mix-ins get frozen. This leads to things like hard M&M’s or rock-solid gummy bears. 2. Sometimes after they mix all the things together, the ice cream is a little runny, like it has lost some consistency. That said, some days I do enjoy getting ice cream with mix-ins. Some days, I don’t.

22. What’s with the Japanese steakhouses that do not employ Japanese cooks? I mean they should at least be Asian.
This question probably derives from a conversation I had with BAM(H) that recounted an office Christmas party I attended recently at a Japanese steakhouse. The kind where the guy slices and dices and sets things on fire, and you don’t even have to chat with other people at your table because you can just watch someone cooking. Except we had just some regular guy whose show was kind of mediocre, but everyone was still very quiet, probably because they were still going to wait for something to be set on fire, Japanese guy or no. What was with this Japanese steakhouse that did not employ Japanese cooks? BAM(H) and I pondered. I mean, they should at least be Asian.

In the time since that office party, I have come to a few hypotheses:
-We are having an immigration problem in this country. I had not heard that it was affecting Asians, but perhaps it is.
-There are actually not many Asian people in this part of the country.
-Maybe a person just wants a job where they don’t have to set something on fire every day.

I’ve also been wondering why we don’t use that white sauce at Japanese restaurants more often. I mean, I’d put that stuff on a hamburger and be happy as a duck. Or on nachos or something. Today I asked my youngest brother, who loves that sauce, if he’d be interested in a restaurant where every dish involved the sauce. He said no, which was sort of a surprise to me. Anyways. Here’s an interesting website that someone has taken the time to put together: http://www.japanese-steakhouse-white-sauce.com/

gambling commission

Here are some BAM(H)! POW! SOB! questions related to games!

17. Boggle: the best game ever (other than backgammon)
I played a little online Boggle just now so that I can say this with certainty, but I don’t think Boggle is the best game ever. Sorry, BAM(H). I think that it is a very good game, but it is not the best. I don’t feel that backgammon is the second best game ever, either. But clearly, you guys have something with games that start with the letter B that I just don’t understand. Might I suggest bocce and Battleship to you?

Some games that I enjoy include Scattergories, Taboo, Trivial Pursuit, Tripoley, Cranium, and Monopoly. But the best game of all time is a little game called Shopopoly, which is Monopoly adapted for Old Navy. For example, instead of Boardwalk, there’s something like tank tops or flip flops or fleece jackets. As far as I know, this game is only available to Old Navy employees after they do something particularly heinous, like scraping gum off the store floor for five hours or opening 150 Old Navy credit cards. I stole mine from the stock room when I worked there. I don’t know why someone left it there, because you really did have to do something really really awful to deserve one, and if I did something that big, I’d want to keep my prize forever. But perhaps that worker died from their deed, or perhaps they died by inhaling the dyes that are in the clothes.

18. Age at which you are too old to be on Facebook
If someone can make me an application where I can play Battleship with people on Facebook, similar to the way that one can play Scrabble on Facebook, then I would be willing to say that no one is too old to be on Facebook. Normally I might have said that everyone is too old to be on Facebook, but if an old person can make me a Battleship application, then I would say no one is too old. I came to this conclusion while addressing the best game ever issue above. Please, I want to play Facebook Battleship. I found where you can play online but I think the computer is cheating.

19. Your mom's high score on Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero is a game where you push buttons on a fake guitar that correspond with notes on your television screen, and by pushing these buttons, you play a rock song. My mom discovered this game when she helped by brother George move. She is a natural talent. When my brothers were teaching me how to play, I had to keep hearing, “Mom is so much better than you!” My mom and I have been playing a lot of Guitar Hero these days, and for awhile, I was doing a little better than her. Then I came home and would play, and I’d set a high score, but it wouldn’t be as high as Mom’s. One day, I came home, and she said, “Ooh, I played a song that you just have to play because it will give you a very high score! The song is about killing? Killing for something?” I ask if she means “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine. It turns out that is what she meant. I find it very entertaining that my Mom is so good at Guitar Hero.

color me mine

Here are some questions that BAM(H) asked about various colors!

15. Are universities with the color orange in their "spirit colors" trying to make lots of people look like giant cheetos?
You ask this question as if you have something against cheetos. Cheetos are very delicious, and I feel that if we were to assign a personality to this inanimate object, then I bet we would find that cheetos are pretty jolly most of the time. I think there are probably worse things than for a crowd to be dressed as a bunch of giant cheetos, although I could foresee a time in which some aliens come down from outer space, and they fly over a football stadium, and they say, “hey, let’s go eat all those giant cheetos.” But that’s really the only danger I can think of at this minute.

My father’s school colors are blue and orange, so I conducted a brief, informal interview with him regarding how he feels about the orange. It was so informal that I did not take notes, but here’s what I remember of the conversation.

Molly: Dad, how do you feel about your school’s colors?
Dad: I like them.
Molly: Really? Even orange?
Dad: Yes.
Molly: What if your school sent you a letter and said that they were thinking about changing the school colors. Would you be happy? Would you rather have different colors than blue and orange? How would you respond to that letter?
Dad: I guess at this point, I would want the colors to remain the same due to tradition.
Molly: Would you wear a giant orange sweatshirt that said “Virginia,” even if it made you look like a giant cheeto?
Dad: Yes.
Molly: Would you wear a giant orange sweatshirt if it did not say “Virginia”?
Dad: I guess I wouldn’t.
Molly: So your affection for the color orange is pretty strictly tied to its association with the University of Virginia?
Dad: Yes.

So here’s what I think we’ve learned: My dad would wear an orange sweatshirt if it said the school name. He would not wear an orange sweatshirt if it did not say the name. Schools probably pick outrageous colors so that when people wear them, they really stand out. Because everyone wears navy or hunter green sweatshirts, they pick loud colors so that fans can pick their fellow fans out of a crowd. Because I bet when my dad sees an orange sweatshirt, he at least subconsciously tries to check if it is a UVA fan. Or, he is looking to see if it’s a giant cheeto walking down the street.

16. Is anyone really the color of "nude pantyhose"?
I really hate pantyhose. I think they are the worst invention in the history of the whole world. My mom says that when I wear them, I walk like I have a corncob stuck up my butt. I don’t like the way they feel, and I don’t like the sound they make when they rub together. Why should we be surprised that the evil, evil, really bad people who create pantyhose have also created a color that matches absolutely no one? Of course no one is the color of nude pantyhose, because pantyhose are an abomination against God, and there’s no reason they should even exist in the first place.

Wind-up Woodpecker

13. How do those wind-up flashlights work anyway?
I have thought of three possible answers for this question:
--Magic
--Fireflies get blown toward the front of the flashlight
--Inside a wind-up flashlight is a small generator that keeps the bulb working. When you turn the handle, you are running the generator. This means that the flashlight doesn’t need batteries. Some of these wind-up flashlights will even charge your cell phone! Other kinds of flashlights that don’t require batteries include squeezable flashlights and shakable flashlights.

I think regardless of whether you use wind-up flashlights or not, it is always smart to have extra batteries around in case of emergency. That is my advice for the day.

14. Man vs. Wild...WTF
This is a television show on the Discovery Channel where a guy named Bear tries to survive in the wild. I don’t really watch this show, but I guess I have a pretty good idea of what goes on.

But let me tell you a little something about my house these days. At my house, it is like Man vs. Woodpecker. The woodpeckers are eating us alive. All of a sudden I will be doing something innocuous in my room, like folding clothes or eating candy, and then the next thing I know, it’s like World War III. But it’s woodpeckers instead of bombs or guns. Frankly I think the woodpeckers are more annoying. So I have to stop what I’m doing, go outside, and shoo them away. But then I guess they think that maybe I’ve left the room or the house, and they’ll come back ten minutes later. This process repeats over and over for hours. Shoo, return. Shoo, return. Sometimes I have gone outside and the insulation from the house is flying everywhere and it looks like it’s snowing. Sometimes my parents will try to shoot them with a BB gun, but they will still come back.

The woodpeckers have put so many holes in the house that now other birds can come through and play around in the walls. Many a time since I have been home, I have been sleeping sweet dreams, only to have a bird start dancing around in the wall behind my bed. Or it sounds like they’re behind my books. One day these birds will drive me so crazy that I might just start pulling everything off my shelves and claw at the shelves and scream, “The birds! The birds! Why won’t these birds leave me alone!” And my wailing will be heard all across Western North Carolina.

So anyway, where I was going with this, is I would like to contact this Bear, and see if they can do an episode of “Man vs. Wild” in my yard. He can live under trees and try to escape from small frogs. But he can only eat woodpeckers. I want to see that guy catch, skin, and eat these friggin’ woodpeckers.

Halfway point of BAM(H)! POW! SOB!

Read this if you have forgotten what BAM(H)! POW! SOB! is!!!!

10. Where is the country of Anguilla and why haven't I heard of it until now?
Perhaps you have not heard of the country of Anguilla because it’s not actually a country, but rather a British overseas territory. It is located in the Caribbean Sea, near St. Martin and St. Barts. The name derives from the word for “eel” because the land has an eel-like shape. Its motto is “strength and endurance”, which I think means that you’ll be hearing about Anguilla for a long time to come. Because it’s so enduring.

Fun things to do in Anguilla apparently include sailing and cricket. About 40 percent of the population is Anglican. Also, it has spectacular coral reefs. The currency is the Eastern Caribbean Dollar, but U.S. currency is pretty widely accepted. A few weeks ago, Jimmy Buffett released “Live in Anguilla,” a 3-CD set which so far has received a 4 ½ star average from user reviews on Amazon.

11. Why did we never understand that Kink saying "Oh, go to" meant that she was telling us "to go to hell"?
This is a question that refers to Mary Henry’s and my grandmother, Kink. You can read a little more about Kink here: http://iwiggleitjustalittlebit.blogspot.com/2007/06/kink.html

Basically, when you got Kink angry or frustrated, or when she plain didn’t understand you, she’d squint up her eyes and say, “Oh, go to!” and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. Mary Henry and I have discussed that we both had sort of a delayed realization that she was telling us to go to hell. I guess my gut reaction to the original question is, we were obviously somewhat sheltered children who didn’t think much about hell, and who certainly didn’t believe that our grandmother wanted us there. But after doing some research for the first question, I’m inclined to believe that she was actually telling us to go to Anguilla. I mean, you should look at some pictures of that place. It looks really beautiful.

12. Who buys coffee that comes from meerkat poop?
Kink.

An astrological reading for Mary Henry and Brad

First I should probably note that I don’t know anything about astrology. But in honor of BAM(H)! POW! SOB! I thought we should take a look at what’s in the stars for Brad and Mary Henry.

Mary Henry was born on September 20. This makes Mary Henry a Virgo. Wikipedia says that Virgos are careless with their fingernails and that their token animal is a bushbaby. Brad was born on December 6th. This makes Brad a Sagittarius. Wikipedia says that Sagittarians’ favorite seasoning is garlic butter, but it does not explain why and it is driving me crazy! How do you not explain something like that?! Anyways, according to Wikipedia, Virgo and Sagittarius are semi-compatible! Way to go! That is one step up from Not Compatible! Apparently you do not have similar personalities! Good luck with that!

I have looked into my crystal ball and predict that both of you will have very busy, yet fulfilling years, with the busy times peaking around the summer season and around major religious holidays. I predict that your town will get a lot of new, delicious restaurants, and I am not just predicting that because you might have alluded to that in the past. I predict that you both will spend a fair amount of time outside. I predict that Brad will receive a lot of candy this summer. I predict that Christmas will be in seven days. I predict that pink will be the new black. I predict that if you are careful with your personal data, you can avoid identity theft.

All astrologists and fortune tellers know that it all comes down to the day you were born. So let’s take a look at the important events and happenings on your days of birth:

Mary Henry:
-On September 20 in 1878, Upton Sinclair was born. I predict that this means that Mary Henry will never have to work in a dirty meatpacking plant.
-On that day in 1957, Fran Drescher was born. I predict that this means that you will have a nanny someday.
-On that day in 1973, Jim Croce died. I predict that this means that you will not be able to trap time in a bottle. So don’t even try!
-On that day in 1948, the Mexican Baseball League disbanded. I predict that this means that you will never play baseball in Mexico.
-On that day in 1973, Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs in the battle-of-the-sexes tennis match. I predict that this means that Mary Henry will always beat boys when she plays them in games.
-In Laos, they celebrate Thanksgiving on this day! I predict your next vacation will be in Laos!

Brad:
-On December 6 in 1889, Jefferson Davis died. Brad, this means that you are the last best hope for preserving the Confederacy.
-On that day in 1926, Claude Monet died. Brad, perhaps you can preserve the Confederacy through painting.
-On that day in 1988, Roy Orbison died. Brad, perhaps you can preserve the Confederacy through singing sad songs in a distinctive voice. Perhaps you are also blind.
-On that day in 1849, Harriet Tubman escaped from slavery in Maryland. Brad, why would you want to preserve the Confederacy when slavery is such a heinous crime against man?
-On that day in 1865, the 13th Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery. Brad, it looks like your painting and your songs couldn’t preserve the Confederacy, or slavery.
-On that day in 1975, Robert Dole and Elizabeth Hanford married. Brad, perhaps you are a Republican.

To sum up, what do the stars hold for Mary Henry and Brad? I don’t know. I’m writing it when it’s daytime and the stars are not out yet. If you want to learn more about yourselves, might I suggest you check here: http://www.astrology-online.com/sagittar.htm and here: http://www.astrology-online.com/virgo.htm.

BAM(H)! POW! SOB! Television Edition

Here are some questions that BAM(H) had about issues related to television:

7. Why is the History Channel only interesting when Hitler is on?
I wouldn’t say that the History Channel is ONLY interesting when Hitler is on; there are also numerous “Who Killed the Kennedy’s?” specials that I enjoy. Here’s an interesting analysis of why Hitler and the Nazis are on the History Channel that someone else wrote: http://archive.salon.com/may97/media/media970508.html. But here is a cute anecdote: the other day, my mother, brother, and I were searching for something to watch on television, and we settled on “Forrest Gump.” About 20 minutes in, my mother noticed the History Channel logo in the bottom right-hand corner. “This is the History Channel?” she asked, disbelievingly. “This is probably the longest that I’ve ever watched the History Channel! Someone go tell Dad!” Because my dad is pretty much always watching the Nazis on the History Channel. He hates those damn dirty Nazis.

8. When is the next slap on "How I Met Your Mother?"
First off, if you do not watch the show “How I Met Your Mother,” I would recommend that you do. It is very witty and clever, it features Neil Patrick Harris, and the main character looks a little bit like John Cusack. That’s like three good reasons to watch it.

So anyways, if you don’t watch the show, what happened is, Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) lost a bet to Marshall (some actor whose name I’m too lazy to look up), and Marshall won the right to slap Barney five times at any time of his choosing. Before the third slap, a web site was created to count down to the slap, and it just took place, on the Slapsgiving episode. Here, watch Marshall sing about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzpYeHTiEGY

There are two slaps left. Well, I can tell you the next slap won’t be anytime soon because of the writer’s strike. Sometimes I worry about whether the show might get cancelled before all five slaps occur, and then fans will have to live in perpetual fear, just as Barney does, of looming slaps that never come. I do think the last slap will occur in the last episode, perhaps in a flash forward moment, or even better, the show could just fade to black with a look of fear in Barney’s eyes. And then we could debate the HIMYM finale the way that Sopranos fans debated their finale. Did Barney really get slapped? How? Is he dead? Why is a Journey song playing?

9. Why is the "Family Guy" advertising for Subway?
I found a quote from Howard Nelson, vice president of worldwide promotion for 20th Century Fox licensing and merchandising, that said, “Subway’s attitude and irreverence is the perfect platform for the ‘Family Guy’ brand’s trademark twisted humor.” I am somewhat surprised that Subway views itself as “irreverent.” But anyways. Here’s my theory. Subway felt that it had been appealing to skinny people for far too long, and it was time to make sub sandwiches unhealthy again. That’s why they have this new gigantic sandwich that Peter Griffin is shilling, and also why they have introduced these personal pizzas that they have. Those pizzas are delicious though. I would recommend one with sausage, tomato, and onion.

Relationship Myths

These questions are a part of the BAM(H)! POW! SOB! series

5. A cougar: a woman who dates a younger man...thoughts?
My thoughts are I wish that I did not just use Google to do some research on this topic, because I saw some things that I wish I had not seen. I generally frown upon things that are illegal, so I would say that as long as the younger man is of age, then it seems okay to me.

In issues like this, I tend to look to what the celebrities are doing. Patrick Dempsey, at the age of 21, married his 48-year-old manager, which only made him a year older than his stepson. But they got divorced, so don’t necessarily take that as an endorsement. There’s Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, and Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins. But really, if you want to understand how celebrities feel about cougars, look no further than John Mellencamp. John Mellencamp is completely responsible for the term “cougar” in popular culture.

In 1967, John Mellencamp saw the movie “The Graduate.” He was very taken with Mrs. Robinson, and he saw a lot of himself in young Dustin Hoffman. He said, “That woman is totally a cougar! From here on out, I will be known as Johnny Cougar!” And so he was, and that is how the term “cougar” came to denote an older woman dating a younger man. Johnny Cougar, and later, John Cougar Mellencamp, used his inoffensive pop music to subliminally influence our nation’s older women to date younger men. For example, few people know that in the song “Jack and Diane,” Diane is actually 30, while Jack is 21. “Small Town” is a reference to where most cougars hang out. “Pink Houses” refers to the kind of house that cougars and their younger men like to live in. And so on and so forth.

Most people think that John Cougar Mellencamp dropped the “Cougar” because he wanted to be taken a little more seriously in his music, but really, it’s because he got older, and if he wanted to keep chasing cougars, he’d have to date 60-year-olds. Now I hear he’s interested in being known as John Lolita Mellencamp, or John May-December Romance Mellencamp.

6. “Mythbusters” rocks
I don’t watch the show “MythBusters,” so it will be hard for me to say too much about this topic. But let me just go ahead and bust the myth that John Cougar Mellencamp is the one responsible for the term “cougar” in popular culture. I don’t know who made that up.

I answer BAM(H)'s questions about days of the week and weather

It is Day 2 of BAM(H)! POW! SOB! If you don't know what that is, scroll down and read all about the fun that will be taking place this week!

3. the Mondays: roots, history, and reality...and we don't mean the band
I didn’t even know there was a band called the Mondays! But if you Google the Mondays, they are the first result. If I were in a band like that, I would only want to play on Monday nights.

Anyways, I’m answering this question today because it is Monday. The name Monday comes from “moon.” If someone is saying Monday in a foreign language then it might come from their word for moon. It is typically the first day of the work week and the school week in most cultures, so people get kind of sad about going to work. They feel kind of blue. They might have “a case of the Mondays,” which was a phrase popularized by the film “Office Space.” Some cultures differ though on whether Monday is technically the first day of the week or whether Sunday is.

My experience is that I don’t really have too much extra trouble on Monday mornings. Maybe because I expect to be more tired out and my body adjusts accordingly. Personally, I have more difficulty with Tuesdays, because while Monday is a shock to the system, Tuesday is a bigger shock when you realize that you have to endure a few more days of this. Sometimes, though, sad things happen to me on Monday, and then I hate Mondays. For example, today I got to work and found out that Dan Fogelberg died yesterday. That’s pretty sad. It’s probably going to drag my week down.

On a somewhat related note, I don’t like how people call Wednesday “Hump Day.”

In 1968, the Uniform Monday Holiday Act was signed into law, which moved holidays such as Veterans Day and Memorial Day onto designated Mondays so that federal employees got more three-day weekends. Monday is also a day when football comes on.

If we were to take a look at the concept of Mondays in popular music, we might learn something. In the song, “Lady Madonna” by the Beatles, Monday’s child has learned to tie his bootlace, and then we can see how they run. The Bangles describe Mondays as “manic.” In the Jimmy Buffett song “Come Monday,” Monday is seen as a hopeful day, because that is the day when “it will be alright.” The Carpenters equate Mondays with rainy days as the two kinds of days that will get you down. The Cure doesn’t care if Monday is blue, or black, or if it makes you fall apart or hold your head, because Friday is sort of a big day for them.

Perhaps no one has done as much disservice to Monday as the Mamas and the Papas, with their song “Monday, Monday.” Mondays leave them crying a lot. Monday is a day that you can’t trust. I guess the misunderstanding came about because originally Monday was a day that was very good to them, but then Monday let them down, and now every other day (every other day!), every other day of the week is fine, yeah.

4. It is December 10...it was 75 degrees today
It was December 10, a beautiful, warm day, when BAM(H)! sent me this list. My only comment on that, BAM(H), was that that was an awesome day. Now it is cold and unpleasant and it has been spitting snow and raining. Do you like that? Do you need “cold” to be in the Christmas spirit? I don’t. I wish it was another 75 degree day.

the first two questions

Throughout the week, I will address the topics provided by BAM(H)!, probably two per post. Let’s get started.

1. Is Rachael Ray on crack?
Yes, Rachael Ray is on crack. But I don't mean that in a literal way, in a way that Rachael Ray might sue me for libel if she were to read this. I mean it in the pretend, fake crack way. Rachael Ray is on fake crack. But here's where I stand on Rachael Ray: It is fairly well-known that I am not a good cook, and that I do not like to cook, and that I resent the amount of time it takes to cook things. When people hear these objections of mine to cooking, they usually say, “well, you should check out Rachael Ray, because she cooks entire meals in 30 minutes.” And, I, thinking that 30 minutes sounded reasonable for a cooking time, did check out the show. But what Rachael Ray accomplishes in 30 minutes would probably take me 3 hours. She cooks so fast! How does she cook so fast, and talk so fast? Plus did you know that she has three shows?! Where does she get all that time? The answer, as BAM(H)! has hypothesized, is indeed crack (fake kind). Plus, Rachael Ray says things like this, which definitely sound like the (fake) crack talking: “You know I never make a soup without a dunker. How bout you?” That’s a quote I wrote down like a year ago, thinking that I’d need it one day, and low and behold, I have used it.

2. Novelty toilet paper???
I’m going to take a crack at this one (pun intended), because this topic came up when I saw Brad and Mary Henry at a party last night. I sensed that BAM(H)! might come down on the anti-novelty toilet paper side, but I am going pro-novelty toilet paper, because as I mentioned to them, life is too short to use boring toilet paper. But I mean, I do have some limits. All the inks in novelty toilet paper should be safe for use, and they should not give me a rash or infection in any way. It would be helpful if the novelty toilet paper had like a game, so I had something to do in there, or, if the novelty toilet paper was instructive, or had trivia. For example, imagine being at a dinner party. You go to the bathroom, find novelty toilet paper with fun facts. You can come back to the dinner table with interesting things to say, and everyone will think, wow, that person was thinking of some deep stuff when they were in the bathroom! I think the case for novelty toilet paper has now been made clear.

A Very Special Week on the Blog!

One of the benefits of my stay in Western North Carolina is that I have gotten to hang out with my cousin, Mary Henry, and her boyfriend Brad. They are both nice, funny, people. Some interesting things about Mary Henry include that she once rode a donkey and she has one hand (the other hand was chewed off by a crocodile). Some interesting things about Brad include that he once climbed Mount Everest and he once ate 29 pancakes all by himself. Please note that some of these interesting things may not be true.

On the occasion of one of our dinners together, we started talking about my blog. I told them that it was my goal to write 200 entries before 2007 ended, but at that point, I was still very far away from 200. I guess I look suitably stressed about it, so last week, Mary Henry and Brad emailed me a list of 29 things that I could blog about (I had 29 entries left to go at that point).

The list is a mix of questions, concerns, and ideas, all of which I will address over the next week. Now, I think I have mentioned before, that if you google something like “things to blog about” or “blog topics”, not a whole lot comes up. So I know how hard it is to generate a list of 29 blog ideas, and that’s why I really appreciate this list. I knew I would have to think of a cool title for this week, as well as for Brad and Mary Henry, something that would generate the same level of prestige that the term “Special Guest Blogger” does (you can read previous special guest bloggers here and here).

I did some thinking, and the best I could come up with was:

Brad and Mary Henry! Patrons of Week! Superheroes of Blog!

Which I have helpfully shortened to: BAM(H)! POW! SOB!

(In comic books, you always see the sound of the punches, but not the sound of the response. So that is why "sob" is there. Also, please note that in BAM(H)! the ‘h’ is silent, but if you ever meet Mary Henry, the ‘h’ is not silent because she prefers to be called both names.)

So, welcome to the first day of BAM(H)! POW! SOB! Everything you read this week has been suggested or inspired by Brad and Mary Henry.