stacked crooked

Today I had several events lined up that I thought would provide me hilarious anecdotes for blogging, but they didn't. So I am going to make some up.

Event #1
What really happened: I had to get a bridesmaid's dress altered. I was in and out of there so fast that I couldn't spy on any crazy brides or get any good stories.

What should have happened, for the sake of making my blog interesting: There I was, getting my dress pinned, when in walks a woman in a bridal gown. Her eyes are crazed.

"I heard what you did!" she screams, pointing at me.

"I don't even know you!" I exclaim, as the seamstress backs away slowly.

"You may not know me," the bride said, "but I believe you know my fiance." She picks up a pin cushion and throws it at me. I try to hide in the dressing room, but realize too late that I've allowed myself to be cornered. "I'll ruin your life!" she spits at me.

"Now, let's act calmly," I say, as she picks up a chair and prepares to throw it at me. "Who's your fiance?" She says his name, and I say that I've never heard of anyone really named Donatello in real life. "I promise," I say, and she calms down a little bit. I am a great liar.

"You look great in a bridesmaid's dress," she says. "Do you want to be in my wedding?" I agree to do this, and we go to Starbucks to celebrate our friendship. Now I just have to tell Donatello before he blows my cover!

Event #2
What really happened: After getting my bridesmaid's dress taken care of, I kill some time in Barnes & Noble and read "Car Buying for Dummies." It makes me feel bad, like I will never get a good deal on a car because there's so much I don't know.

What should have happened, for sake of making my blog interesting: The guy next to me, who has been reading comic books, looks over at what I am reading. He tells me that he just bought a 2007 Camry but has decided he doesn't want it. He will sell it to me for $20 because I am so beautiful. I tell him I can't possibly buy a car sight unseen. We go out to take a look at it and it's great. It has a really nice stereo. I offer him $10 (having learned to negotiate from "Car Buying for Dummies"), we settle on $15, and I drive off in a new car.

Event #3
What really happened: I went to a coworker's house for a barbeque/bocce tournament. We drink beer, and play bocce even though it is raining. I am just okay at bocce.

What should have happened, for sake of making my blog interesting: I do awesome bocce ball tricks, like juggling, and I play bocce awesomely. A neighbor, who has been watching from a window, comes over and asks me if I want to travel the world, playing exhibition bocce and teaching clinics for underprivileged children. He will pay me $1 million a year for this. I accept, and we spend the rest of the barbeque working on designs for my personalized line of bocce balls.

Wow, what an awesome day I didn't have!