The book: A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
What is this book about: Bill Bryson hikes the Appalachian Trail with a recovering alcoholic and muses on it.
Why did I read this book: I figured I’d see what all the fuss was about.
What did I think of this book: I very much enjoyed this book because it provided a glimpse of a trail that sorta runs through my backyard, or did when I lived in North Carolina. I appreciated that all of the people in it were easily summed up with humorous and instructive anecdotes, because those are the best types of people. I did not like it when Bryson decided in Gatlinburg, TN that he could not be “this far south” anymore because technically Candler, NC is further south and I don’t know that he needed to diss the south just because he was not making much progress hiking. By the end I felt that the big city was probably safer than the AT although I know that was not the point.
What was my favorite part of this book: This is so awful, but I really liked it when they went into town and could shower and eat a good meal. I just felt much better about things when they had clean clothes and could call home.
What did I learn from this book: That I have absolutely no desire to hike the AT. I think everyone at some point thinks it’s worth just taking a few months off to do this, but I’m glad to I know that I never, ever need to try. Ever.
What grade do I give this book: A
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
A trip to Babyland
It was a harrowing journey. I saw both a teddy bear and a very large dead dog abandoned on the side of the road. I drove through a particularly rough hail storm and had to contend with some poorly marked roads. I survived these trials and tribulations to make it to a tourist attraction that has been calling my name since I moved back to Georgia: Babyland General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia. It’s where they make Cabbage Patch Kids.
If you’re not familiar with Cabbage Patch Kids, they are dolls, and no two are alike. They come with adoption papers and always have sorta freaky names. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was 2 (the same birthday that I received “Berenstain Bears and the New Baby,” in preparation for the little brother that would arrive four weeks later). A much-loved doll, it even had an official portrait painted. One summer at the beach, after I fell asleep, someone would sneak into my room and take the doll, and my uncle would paint it. They’d put the doll back before I woke up and at the end of vacation I got a painting. That painting is still above my bed in North Carolina.
So in a fit of childhood nostalgia, I drove up to Babyland General Hospital to see some Cabbage Patch Kids. They’re really not joking about the hospital part. When you walk in, there’s this nurse waiting to greet you. Then you walk into the nursery, which is a bunch of cribs stuffed with Cabbage Patch Dolls, with many signs hung about to remind you that all of these dolls are available for adoption. These signs would eventually give me a tremendous guilt complex.
This nursery housed the original Cabbage Patch Kids--- hand-sewn and with all cloth faces. Mine was mass-produced by Toys-R-Us, most likely, so it had a plastic face, which I much preferred after seeing these all-cloth faces. It gave them a look of puckered turtles. I spent a few minutes in the room reading the Kids’ names. I thought I spied a Kid named “Teagan Commie,” but it turns out it was Cammie. Then I thought I saw a Kid named “Arlene Magic,” but it turns out it was Magie written with one g and a poorly-written C. In the last case of mistaken identity, I saw “Kinsey Belch,” but that was Belen just kinda scribbled weird. But what kind of name is Belen?
What kinds of names were any of these? I made a mental note to come back when I get pregnant to get some ideas for baby names (or before I adopt, because if there’s anything I learned yesterday, it was that there are lots and lots of adoptions that need to happen!). How else will I learn about names like Nevada, Dinorah or Jynna? I don’t even know how you pronounce the last one…if it’s like Gina, or Jenna, or something else. I even spotted a “Molly” spelled “Molley.” Interestingly, I heard lots of parents telling the kids, “That woman says we can change the name on the birth certificate,” so I don’t know why they go to such efforts to give the Cabbage Patch Kids weird names, because the owners seem to want to just change them.
Anyways, after the nursery, you walk into the preemie unit, which has little dolls in infant incubators so you can experience the stress and worry of a child being born too early. You reach into the incubators and touch their little hands and try not to freak out.
But you can’t get too sad because then you walk into the Cabbage Patch Kids school, where kids scamper on the playground and eat lunch in a cafeteria and sit at desks to learn from the Cabbage Patch Nurses. All of them with their arms outstretched, screaming in silent voices, “Love me!”
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As I left the school room, I noticed a sign: “Doll is a four-letter word. We say ‘babies.’” So I apologize for all of the times I have already cursed in this entry.
After the school, there’s a little hallway where it’s always Christmas, and the dolls, I mean babies, hang out with Santa and sit contentedly under a fireplace. Then you head into another big room where the dolls are in various states of play. Some are sailing aboard the S.S. Cabbage, a ship that’s headed directly for a spot where some Kids are picnicking and climbing trees.
Here are some kids hanging out in the Cabbage Patch French Quarter:
In the center of this room is the titular cabbage patch, where you see Kids in various stages of development. Here they are with just their heads:
Here they are a little more developed:
Creepy, I thought. I had no idea how much creepier it was going to get.
I was halfway through the gift shop when the announcement came for everyone to report to the Cabbage Patch. Turns out Mother Cabbage was 10 cabbage leaves dilated and it was time to deliver. They had turned the lights out and these crystals at the base of the cabbage patch were glowing. As the Cabbage Patch Doctor explained to us, these were signs that we were about to have another Cabbage Patch Kid on our hands.
The Cabbage Patch Doctor was a kindly man, probably on the older side of middle-age but I wouldn’t want to call him old. I spent a lot of time wondering if he was a frustrated doctor or a frustrated actor as he went through the steps of preparing Mother Cabbage for delivery. He wiped down instruments and gave her shots and flicked a finger against one of those bags of things that have nutrients. I don’t know what they’re called but if you’ve seen a medical tv show you know what I’m talking about. As he did all this he explained the history of Cabbage Patch Kids and the guy who found Mother Cabbage and the Magical Crystal Tree in the forest and brought them to Babyland so that we could all buy the babies….I mean, “adopt” them and live happily ever after.
The delivery of a Cabbage Patch Kid is surprisingly technical. First Doctor Cabbage Patch did a sonogram and we found out we’re having a girl. Then he gave her a shot of “imagicillan,” and then an “easy-otomy” which consisted of cutting some cabbage leaves. Then, he pulled out a Cabbage Patch Doll! He asked some little kids in the audience for names, and one girl suggested “Lauren” and another suggested “Emerson,” but if I know anything about Babyland, they’ll spell that name “Loryn Emirsin.” The delivery complete, the doctor reminded us we could adopt little Lauren/Lauryn/Lorin/Loryn in the gift shop.
As I understand it, adopting at Babyland involves taking a pledge that you’ll take good care of the Kid, pacing around in a waiting room, and then buying all sorts of baby stuff for the Kid. And not really even interesting baby stuff either. I mean, you buy things like a scale so you can weigh the baby. You buy a layette set so you can bring the swaddled doll home. Of course you can buy the cool changes of clothes and a stage for when the Kid becomes a rock star, but a shocking amount of stuff is dedicated to the mundane.
Is this good or bad? I don’t know. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid the easy way, wrapped up in a box. What if I had had to go through the process of physically adopting one? Would I be more inclined to adopt kids now? Or would I have a misguided view of how easy the process is…throw $40 bucks on the counter and promise to take care of the kid? Are these kids more likely to understand responsibilities that include swaddling and ensuring proper rates of growth via constant weighing or are they more likely to become teenage mothers because they enjoy buying doll outfits?
I don’t have the answers to these questions. All I know is that the brochure says that Mother Cabbage gives birth regularly, which makes me think that maybe it’s time to put her on some cabbage birth control. The brochure also says that they’re building a new and improved Babyland that will open in the next year. So rest assured, this is not the last word on Babyland, because I will definitely be going back to see what extra rooms of crazy they can add.
If you’re not familiar with Cabbage Patch Kids, they are dolls, and no two are alike. They come with adoption papers and always have sorta freaky names. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was 2 (the same birthday that I received “Berenstain Bears and the New Baby,” in preparation for the little brother that would arrive four weeks later). A much-loved doll, it even had an official portrait painted. One summer at the beach, after I fell asleep, someone would sneak into my room and take the doll, and my uncle would paint it. They’d put the doll back before I woke up and at the end of vacation I got a painting. That painting is still above my bed in North Carolina.
So in a fit of childhood nostalgia, I drove up to Babyland General Hospital to see some Cabbage Patch Kids. They’re really not joking about the hospital part. When you walk in, there’s this nurse waiting to greet you. Then you walk into the nursery, which is a bunch of cribs stuffed with Cabbage Patch Dolls, with many signs hung about to remind you that all of these dolls are available for adoption. These signs would eventually give me a tremendous guilt complex.
This nursery housed the original Cabbage Patch Kids--- hand-sewn and with all cloth faces. Mine was mass-produced by Toys-R-Us, most likely, so it had a plastic face, which I much preferred after seeing these all-cloth faces. It gave them a look of puckered turtles. I spent a few minutes in the room reading the Kids’ names. I thought I spied a Kid named “Teagan Commie,” but it turns out it was Cammie. Then I thought I saw a Kid named “Arlene Magic,” but it turns out it was Magie written with one g and a poorly-written C. In the last case of mistaken identity, I saw “Kinsey Belch,” but that was Belen just kinda scribbled weird. But what kind of name is Belen?
What kinds of names were any of these? I made a mental note to come back when I get pregnant to get some ideas for baby names (or before I adopt, because if there’s anything I learned yesterday, it was that there are lots and lots of adoptions that need to happen!). How else will I learn about names like Nevada, Dinorah or Jynna? I don’t even know how you pronounce the last one…if it’s like Gina, or Jenna, or something else. I even spotted a “Molly” spelled “Molley.” Interestingly, I heard lots of parents telling the kids, “That woman says we can change the name on the birth certificate,” so I don’t know why they go to such efforts to give the Cabbage Patch Kids weird names, because the owners seem to want to just change them.
Anyways, after the nursery, you walk into the preemie unit, which has little dolls in infant incubators so you can experience the stress and worry of a child being born too early. You reach into the incubators and touch their little hands and try not to freak out.
But you can’t get too sad because then you walk into the Cabbage Patch Kids school, where kids scamper on the playground and eat lunch in a cafeteria and sit at desks to learn from the Cabbage Patch Nurses. All of them with their arms outstretched, screaming in silent voices, “Love me!”
.jpg)
As I left the school room, I noticed a sign: “Doll is a four-letter word. We say ‘babies.’” So I apologize for all of the times I have already cursed in this entry.
After the school, there’s a little hallway where it’s always Christmas, and the dolls, I mean babies, hang out with Santa and sit contentedly under a fireplace. Then you head into another big room where the dolls are in various states of play. Some are sailing aboard the S.S. Cabbage, a ship that’s headed directly for a spot where some Kids are picnicking and climbing trees.
Here are some kids hanging out in the Cabbage Patch French Quarter:
In the center of this room is the titular cabbage patch, where you see Kids in various stages of development. Here they are with just their heads:
Here they are a little more developed:
Creepy, I thought. I had no idea how much creepier it was going to get.
I was halfway through the gift shop when the announcement came for everyone to report to the Cabbage Patch. Turns out Mother Cabbage was 10 cabbage leaves dilated and it was time to deliver. They had turned the lights out and these crystals at the base of the cabbage patch were glowing. As the Cabbage Patch Doctor explained to us, these were signs that we were about to have another Cabbage Patch Kid on our hands.
The Cabbage Patch Doctor was a kindly man, probably on the older side of middle-age but I wouldn’t want to call him old. I spent a lot of time wondering if he was a frustrated doctor or a frustrated actor as he went through the steps of preparing Mother Cabbage for delivery. He wiped down instruments and gave her shots and flicked a finger against one of those bags of things that have nutrients. I don’t know what they’re called but if you’ve seen a medical tv show you know what I’m talking about. As he did all this he explained the history of Cabbage Patch Kids and the guy who found Mother Cabbage and the Magical Crystal Tree in the forest and brought them to Babyland so that we could all buy the babies….I mean, “adopt” them and live happily ever after.
The delivery of a Cabbage Patch Kid is surprisingly technical. First Doctor Cabbage Patch did a sonogram and we found out we’re having a girl. Then he gave her a shot of “imagicillan,” and then an “easy-otomy” which consisted of cutting some cabbage leaves. Then, he pulled out a Cabbage Patch Doll! He asked some little kids in the audience for names, and one girl suggested “Lauren” and another suggested “Emerson,” but if I know anything about Babyland, they’ll spell that name “Loryn Emirsin.” The delivery complete, the doctor reminded us we could adopt little Lauren/Lauryn/Lorin/Loryn in the gift shop.
As I understand it, adopting at Babyland involves taking a pledge that you’ll take good care of the Kid, pacing around in a waiting room, and then buying all sorts of baby stuff for the Kid. And not really even interesting baby stuff either. I mean, you buy things like a scale so you can weigh the baby. You buy a layette set so you can bring the swaddled doll home. Of course you can buy the cool changes of clothes and a stage for when the Kid becomes a rock star, but a shocking amount of stuff is dedicated to the mundane.
Is this good or bad? I don’t know. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid the easy way, wrapped up in a box. What if I had had to go through the process of physically adopting one? Would I be more inclined to adopt kids now? Or would I have a misguided view of how easy the process is…throw $40 bucks on the counter and promise to take care of the kid? Are these kids more likely to understand responsibilities that include swaddling and ensuring proper rates of growth via constant weighing or are they more likely to become teenage mothers because they enjoy buying doll outfits?
I don’t have the answers to these questions. All I know is that the brochure says that Mother Cabbage gives birth regularly, which makes me think that maybe it’s time to put her on some cabbage birth control. The brochure also says that they’re building a new and improved Babyland that will open in the next year. So rest assured, this is not the last word on Babyland, because I will definitely be going back to see what extra rooms of crazy they can add.
Book #3: A Confederacy of Dunces
The book: A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
What is this book about: Ignatius J. Reilly is a fat man who lives with his mother at the age of 30 and spends most of his time railing against the indignities of the modern world. He’s nearly arrested in front of a department store. Then he and his mother go to a bar, and the mother gets drunk and crashes the car. Ignatius is forced to go to work to pay off the debt, a tale that involves the interweaving of all of the characters from those first two scenes.
Why did I read this book: It’s been staring at me from the shelves for awhile. Also, remember when it was going to be a movie with Will Ferrell? You know how I am about reading books before they become movies.
What did I think of this book: I thought it was a great book, with all the interweaving and comic escapades and whatnot. The New Republic told me via back-of-the-book blurb that I would “laugh out loud till your belly aches and your eyes water,” which did not come true. I think I chuckled twice, but maybe I just don’t laugh out loud at books.
What was my favorite part of this book: It would be too hard to pick out just one of the madcap adventures or pieces of writing in this book. So please don’t hold it against this book that my favorite part was reading the Wikipedia entry on this book after I was finished and discovering that Mischa Barton, Slash and Augusten Burroughs all claim its their favorite book. I mean, what weird company, right? I’d like to see a book about their interweaving adventures.
What did I learn from this book: I wouldn’t say you “learn” anything from the book per se, although you do get a sense of what New Orleans was like in the 1960s. I guess you learn a little bit about Christian philosopher Boethius. Most of the juicy stuff I learned was about the “curse” surrounding the book by reading this Slate article: http://www.slate.com/id/2155500/.
What grade do I give this book: A-
What is this book about: Ignatius J. Reilly is a fat man who lives with his mother at the age of 30 and spends most of his time railing against the indignities of the modern world. He’s nearly arrested in front of a department store. Then he and his mother go to a bar, and the mother gets drunk and crashes the car. Ignatius is forced to go to work to pay off the debt, a tale that involves the interweaving of all of the characters from those first two scenes.
Why did I read this book: It’s been staring at me from the shelves for awhile. Also, remember when it was going to be a movie with Will Ferrell? You know how I am about reading books before they become movies.
What did I think of this book: I thought it was a great book, with all the interweaving and comic escapades and whatnot. The New Republic told me via back-of-the-book blurb that I would “laugh out loud till your belly aches and your eyes water,” which did not come true. I think I chuckled twice, but maybe I just don’t laugh out loud at books.
What was my favorite part of this book: It would be too hard to pick out just one of the madcap adventures or pieces of writing in this book. So please don’t hold it against this book that my favorite part was reading the Wikipedia entry on this book after I was finished and discovering that Mischa Barton, Slash and Augusten Burroughs all claim its their favorite book. I mean, what weird company, right? I’d like to see a book about their interweaving adventures.
What did I learn from this book: I wouldn’t say you “learn” anything from the book per se, although you do get a sense of what New Orleans was like in the 1960s. I guess you learn a little bit about Christian philosopher Boethius. Most of the juicy stuff I learned was about the “curse” surrounding the book by reading this Slate article: http://www.slate.com/id/2155500/.
What grade do I give this book: A-
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Best Burger in Lenox
Well, it’s almost Memorial Day, which gets me thinking about beer and burgers. So today I set off for Lenox Mall Food Court, where I knew I could get at least one of those things.
I went to Nathan’s Famous for a burger as part of the Great Food Court Project. Now, I know what you’re thinking—Molly, you already went to Nathan’s Famous as part of the Great Food Court Project. You’re just repeating yourself now. That is not interesting.
Well, let me explain what happened here. When I went to Nathan’s the first time, I noticed not one, but two signs proclaiming that Nathan’s served the “Best Burger in Lenox.” This seemed a pretty direct affront to the restaurant that was diagonally across the way: Burger King.
So, immediately I realized that we had a burger showdown on our hands. The monarchy epitomized by Burger King versus the democracy promised by all-American Nathan’s. Could the Whopper really be upstaged by a no-name burger provided by a restaurant more famous for its hot dogs? I intended to find out.
I walked into the food court today determined to give Burger King the first go at this “Best Burger” crown. A true shock awaited me, readers. For, as it turns out, Burger King has gone out of business since I’ve been there last. The King abdicated. The King has left the building. The King is dead, long live the King.
This made the best burger showdown a bit anticlimactic, as Nathan’s does indeed now have the “Best Burger in Lenox” by virtue of having the only burger. Although…perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy! Perhaps by simply asserting their prominence, they did indeed become prominent. There’s a self-help book in there somewhere.
So I went ahead and had the burger at Nathan's. It was fine. It’s been awhile since I had a Whopper so I couldn’t really even picture how the showdown would have come down. I did notice that the Nathan’s burger lacked that decadent gob of mayo that a Whopper does, and I feel like the Whopper is more onion-y. Or onion-y in a way that sticks with you for hours and hours. This burger had onion but it was more subdued in its aftermath. These are either positives or minuses depending upon how you look at it.
As I ate, I pondered the travesty that the AT&T store is still allowed to do business in the food court while legitimate food-serving businesses are being pushed out. I also wondered what might fill Burger King’s spot. The only two unexploited food niches I could identify were sushi (very hip in malls right now!) and Thai (very popular in Seattle food courts!). I certainly wouldn’t mind a Wendy’s there, if we’re going to stick with chains. Also, maybe a more gourmet burger outlet, the kind of burger place that thinks up burgers with guacamole and barbeque sauce and whatnot.
I also tried to decide what Burger King’s closure portended for the Great Food Court Project. Should I eat faster, so that I can hit all these places before they go out of business? Are these store closures just reflecting the normal ebb and flow of American businesses, each barricaded storefront representing missed opportunities and the challenges of owning a franchise? I may be overthinking it, and I’m not particularly broken up over the loss of a Burger King. But I’m trying to add some depth to this project.
But let me say this. Consider this a threat, Lenox Mall Food Court. If either Sbarro or Roman Delight goes out of business before I get around to my “Best Pizza in Lenox” showdown, then….um….well, I’ll be mildly upset I guess. I thought I was going to have a stronger threat, but I don’t.
I went to Nathan’s Famous for a burger as part of the Great Food Court Project. Now, I know what you’re thinking—Molly, you already went to Nathan’s Famous as part of the Great Food Court Project. You’re just repeating yourself now. That is not interesting.
Well, let me explain what happened here. When I went to Nathan’s the first time, I noticed not one, but two signs proclaiming that Nathan’s served the “Best Burger in Lenox.” This seemed a pretty direct affront to the restaurant that was diagonally across the way: Burger King.
So, immediately I realized that we had a burger showdown on our hands. The monarchy epitomized by Burger King versus the democracy promised by all-American Nathan’s. Could the Whopper really be upstaged by a no-name burger provided by a restaurant more famous for its hot dogs? I intended to find out.
I walked into the food court today determined to give Burger King the first go at this “Best Burger” crown. A true shock awaited me, readers. For, as it turns out, Burger King has gone out of business since I’ve been there last. The King abdicated. The King has left the building. The King is dead, long live the King.
This made the best burger showdown a bit anticlimactic, as Nathan’s does indeed now have the “Best Burger in Lenox” by virtue of having the only burger. Although…perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy! Perhaps by simply asserting their prominence, they did indeed become prominent. There’s a self-help book in there somewhere.
So I went ahead and had the burger at Nathan's. It was fine. It’s been awhile since I had a Whopper so I couldn’t really even picture how the showdown would have come down. I did notice that the Nathan’s burger lacked that decadent gob of mayo that a Whopper does, and I feel like the Whopper is more onion-y. Or onion-y in a way that sticks with you for hours and hours. This burger had onion but it was more subdued in its aftermath. These are either positives or minuses depending upon how you look at it.
As I ate, I pondered the travesty that the AT&T store is still allowed to do business in the food court while legitimate food-serving businesses are being pushed out. I also wondered what might fill Burger King’s spot. The only two unexploited food niches I could identify were sushi (very hip in malls right now!) and Thai (very popular in Seattle food courts!). I certainly wouldn’t mind a Wendy’s there, if we’re going to stick with chains. Also, maybe a more gourmet burger outlet, the kind of burger place that thinks up burgers with guacamole and barbeque sauce and whatnot.
I also tried to decide what Burger King’s closure portended for the Great Food Court Project. Should I eat faster, so that I can hit all these places before they go out of business? Are these store closures just reflecting the normal ebb and flow of American businesses, each barricaded storefront representing missed opportunities and the challenges of owning a franchise? I may be overthinking it, and I’m not particularly broken up over the loss of a Burger King. But I’m trying to add some depth to this project.
But let me say this. Consider this a threat, Lenox Mall Food Court. If either Sbarro or Roman Delight goes out of business before I get around to my “Best Pizza in Lenox” showdown, then….um….well, I’ll be mildly upset I guess. I thought I was going to have a stronger threat, but I don’t.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Indiana Jones Hour 8: The End...until the 4th movie
For the first part of this hour, I did an online Sudoko that was rated five stars for difficulty. I pretended that if I solved the puzzle, that it would be the equivalent of beating the Nazis in the race for religious artifacts. Well, I solved it in 15 minutes, Indiana Jones. You still haven’t even rescued your dad from that tank yet. Clearly I am the superior archaeologist.
Sean Connery thinks that Indy died and regrets he never told him anything fatherly. But it turns out Indy is still alive. The two men hug in a rare display of emotion. Do you think after this movie that their father-son rift is healed and they become close? Based on the non-existent fate of Indy’s former best friend Short Round, then I doubt it.
So, what happens in the next movie, which is about crystal skulls, has been pretty well-guarded. I’m going to come up with some vicious lies and list them here in the hopes that maybe one of them is right and I look like a magical seer.
--Indiana Jones dies.
--Indiana Jones dates a girl named Ally McBeal.
--Indiana Jones is Iron Man.
--Indiana Jones gets really into Sudoko.
--Marion wears those red pants again.
--Short Round makes a cameo.
--Indiana Jones gets eaten by a shark.
--Indiana Jones has a long-lost twin named Illinois.
--Indiana Jones has a crystal skull.
--Indiana Jones has an affair with a student (played by Lindsey Lohan)
--Indiana Jones accepts a job offer at a burgeoning paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
--Indiana Jones runs for president.
--Indiana Jones has mid-life crisis now that there are no damn dirty Nazis to fight.
So now there’s approximately 20 minutes left in this movie and in this epic quest of mine. Indy is trying to get the grail to save his father. He meets a knight. The bad guy drinks from the wrong grail. Indy picks the right grail and saves his dad. The hot librarian gets too greedy about the possibility of everlasting life. Indiana learns that sometimes archaeological artifacts aren’t the most important things in the world. We learn Indy's real name. Everyone thinks this is the last crusade but they are wrong. The movie ends. I get my life back and eight blog posts. Everyone wins except for Nazis.
Sean Connery thinks that Indy died and regrets he never told him anything fatherly. But it turns out Indy is still alive. The two men hug in a rare display of emotion. Do you think after this movie that their father-son rift is healed and they become close? Based on the non-existent fate of Indy’s former best friend Short Round, then I doubt it.
So, what happens in the next movie, which is about crystal skulls, has been pretty well-guarded. I’m going to come up with some vicious lies and list them here in the hopes that maybe one of them is right and I look like a magical seer.
--Indiana Jones dies.
--Indiana Jones dates a girl named Ally McBeal.
--Indiana Jones is Iron Man.
--Indiana Jones gets really into Sudoko.
--Marion wears those red pants again.
--Short Round makes a cameo.
--Indiana Jones gets eaten by a shark.
--Indiana Jones has a long-lost twin named Illinois.
--Indiana Jones has a crystal skull.
--Indiana Jones has an affair with a student (played by Lindsey Lohan)
--Indiana Jones accepts a job offer at a burgeoning paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
--Indiana Jones runs for president.
--Indiana Jones has mid-life crisis now that there are no damn dirty Nazis to fight.
So now there’s approximately 20 minutes left in this movie and in this epic quest of mine. Indy is trying to get the grail to save his father. He meets a knight. The bad guy drinks from the wrong grail. Indy picks the right grail and saves his dad. The hot librarian gets too greedy about the possibility of everlasting life. Indiana learns that sometimes archaeological artifacts aren’t the most important things in the world. We learn Indy's real name. Everyone thinks this is the last crusade but they are wrong. The movie ends. I get my life back and eight blog posts. Everyone wins except for Nazis.
Indiana Jones Hour 7: I want to fly on a blimp. They look spacious.
Okay after another brief sojourn on the deck, I am back and ready to fire through to the end. I had some waffles. While I was eating I tried to catch up on this movie. Somehow Indiana Jones found his father and they had gotten tied up to chairs and there was a fire and they were on a revolving panel and there were Nazis and then there was a motorcycle chase. Hmmm. Just typing that out made me kind of exhausted again.
After this day of watching all the Indiana Jones movies, I can’t say I’m really excited about the new movie anymore. Frankly I’m kind of sick of Indiana Jones and all his drama. Also I don’t really feel like I know Indiana Jones as a person. He has maddeningly little dialogue and most of that is dedicated to talking about artifacts. Women and small Asian children come in and out of his life with no explanation. He’s pretty mean to his father. The only thing he really has going for him is his hatred of Nazis.
Now those damn dirty Nazis are burning books. Now Indy is riding on a blimp.
Which do you think would have gone better? Blogging about three Indiana Jones movies or blogging about three Lifetime movies? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about the entire first season of Beverly Hills 90210? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about some sort of sporting event? At this point in, I really don’t even know. Should I have just spent the day reading my book? I haven’t decided the success of today yet.
There’s a SciFi Memorial Day Weekend Movie Marathon! I can guarantee you now that I will neither be blogging that nor watching it.
Now Indy and his dad are working out their issues. Would Indy have become an archaeologist if his dad hadn’t been so obsessed about archaeology? I don’t know. But that might be an interesting movie to watch. Let me think about how a scene would go.
Young Indy: Dad, wanna go play catch?
Sean Connery: Sure, let’s go! It’s not like I’m too busy with archaeology or anything! (they play catch)
Young Indy: I want to be a baseball player!
(flash forward 20 years)
Grown-up Indiana Jones: Well, it sure was gratifying to win the World Series. If only my dad were here to see it. But I can be at peace knowing that we didn’t have any unresolved issues at the time of his death. As a result, I can maintain healthy relationships with women, I don’t have to make small children drive cars through temples of doom, and my fedora hat is not all sweaty and dirty. Of course, the Nazis have made off with all the religious artifacts, but what could I have done about that? I’m just a humble baseball player who has never used a whip in my entire life.
[end scene]
After this day of watching all the Indiana Jones movies, I can’t say I’m really excited about the new movie anymore. Frankly I’m kind of sick of Indiana Jones and all his drama. Also I don’t really feel like I know Indiana Jones as a person. He has maddeningly little dialogue and most of that is dedicated to talking about artifacts. Women and small Asian children come in and out of his life with no explanation. He’s pretty mean to his father. The only thing he really has going for him is his hatred of Nazis.
Now those damn dirty Nazis are burning books. Now Indy is riding on a blimp.
Which do you think would have gone better? Blogging about three Indiana Jones movies or blogging about three Lifetime movies? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about the entire first season of Beverly Hills 90210? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about some sort of sporting event? At this point in, I really don’t even know. Should I have just spent the day reading my book? I haven’t decided the success of today yet.
There’s a SciFi Memorial Day Weekend Movie Marathon! I can guarantee you now that I will neither be blogging that nor watching it.
Now Indy and his dad are working out their issues. Would Indy have become an archaeologist if his dad hadn’t been so obsessed about archaeology? I don’t know. But that might be an interesting movie to watch. Let me think about how a scene would go.
Young Indy: Dad, wanna go play catch?
Sean Connery: Sure, let’s go! It’s not like I’m too busy with archaeology or anything! (they play catch)
Young Indy: I want to be a baseball player!
(flash forward 20 years)
Grown-up Indiana Jones: Well, it sure was gratifying to win the World Series. If only my dad were here to see it. But I can be at peace knowing that we didn’t have any unresolved issues at the time of his death. As a result, I can maintain healthy relationships with women, I don’t have to make small children drive cars through temples of doom, and my fedora hat is not all sweaty and dirty. Of course, the Nazis have made off with all the religious artifacts, but what could I have done about that? I’m just a humble baseball player who has never used a whip in my entire life.
[end scene]
Indiana Jones Hour 6: When will this end?
Hour 6 starts with Indy cutting down the bridge with alligators so that some bad guys get eaten. The chief bad guy makes one last attempt to rip out Indiana Jones’ heart but luckily I did not get too scared that he’d succeed because I know there’s another movie on right after this. Indy prevails. I hope I didn’t ruin the end for anyone.
I know I missed some of this movie because I was outside reading, but one thing I can say is that this movie passed by much more quickly than the first one, which did seem a little long. As far as I can ascertain, the only things I missed were: the development of the romance between Indiana Jones and Kate Capshaw, the significance of the Temple of Doom and exactly what Indiana Jones was trying to do down there, and some adorably precious things performed by the little kid.
Well, the third movie is starting. It is titled “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” and Harrison Ford is reprising his role as Indiana Jones. It is 6:10 p.m. I just opened a beer. So far I have thought of two possibilities for dinner and those two things are toaster waffles and cereal. Some boy scouts are riding through what appears to be Utah and given that this is the first 10 minutes of an Indiana Jones movie, I fear something bad might happen to them.
Oh, River Phoenix is playing young Indiana. I had forgotten about this. Young Indy has the same intensity about archaeological artifacts but is unafraid of snakes at this point in his life. That will not last, as he lands amidst all these snakes on a train car. Snakes on a train! Where is Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? Then Young Indy finds a whip and gets eaten by a lion. The end.
Just kidding. We have HOURS of movie left to go.
We have another scene of grown-up Indy teaching in his classroom. He still loves writing one word at a time on the board, he still has girls in love with him in his class, Marcus keeps coming into his classroom right before the bell rings. Shake it up a little bit, Spielberg.
And shake it up he does, because then we get a scene that shows that Indy’s students have some gripes with Indy. So he sneaks out a window under the watchful eye of what we can only assume at this point is a Nazi or Sean Connery. Or I guess just some dudes who bring Indy to a meeting with a guy who is also totally into archaeological artifacts. The Holy Grail! Someone alert Dan Brown because I think he totally missed this movie.
So Indy sets off to find the most precious artifact of all, his father. I go off to give my dad a call. I talk to my mom for five minutes but now it’s back to the movie. In the time in which I was gone Indy found some sort of hot librarian who is willing to dig holes in library floors for the sake of adventure.
Someone releases a lot of rats into the library hole but not before Indy makes some sort of important discovery. Look, Indy seems to have things under control so I’m going to go back out on the deck for awhile.
I know I missed some of this movie because I was outside reading, but one thing I can say is that this movie passed by much more quickly than the first one, which did seem a little long. As far as I can ascertain, the only things I missed were: the development of the romance between Indiana Jones and Kate Capshaw, the significance of the Temple of Doom and exactly what Indiana Jones was trying to do down there, and some adorably precious things performed by the little kid.
Well, the third movie is starting. It is titled “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” and Harrison Ford is reprising his role as Indiana Jones. It is 6:10 p.m. I just opened a beer. So far I have thought of two possibilities for dinner and those two things are toaster waffles and cereal. Some boy scouts are riding through what appears to be Utah and given that this is the first 10 minutes of an Indiana Jones movie, I fear something bad might happen to them.
Oh, River Phoenix is playing young Indiana. I had forgotten about this. Young Indy has the same intensity about archaeological artifacts but is unafraid of snakes at this point in his life. That will not last, as he lands amidst all these snakes on a train car. Snakes on a train! Where is Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? Then Young Indy finds a whip and gets eaten by a lion. The end.
Just kidding. We have HOURS of movie left to go.
We have another scene of grown-up Indy teaching in his classroom. He still loves writing one word at a time on the board, he still has girls in love with him in his class, Marcus keeps coming into his classroom right before the bell rings. Shake it up a little bit, Spielberg.
And shake it up he does, because then we get a scene that shows that Indy’s students have some gripes with Indy. So he sneaks out a window under the watchful eye of what we can only assume at this point is a Nazi or Sean Connery. Or I guess just some dudes who bring Indy to a meeting with a guy who is also totally into archaeological artifacts. The Holy Grail! Someone alert Dan Brown because I think he totally missed this movie.
So Indy sets off to find the most precious artifact of all, his father. I go off to give my dad a call. I talk to my mom for five minutes but now it’s back to the movie. In the time in which I was gone Indy found some sort of hot librarian who is willing to dig holes in library floors for the sake of adventure.
Someone releases a lot of rats into the library hole but not before Indy makes some sort of important discovery. Look, Indy seems to have things under control so I’m going to go back out on the deck for awhile.
Indiana Jones Hour 5: I want an adorable child sidekick too
Okay so now I have to try to figure out what I missed in the last hour. Indy is in a cave…maybe the titular temple of doom? People are chanting. He’s still got Kate Capshaw and the little kid with him. I really don’t remember anything about this movie.
I was just joking in that last post about human sacrifice, but that might actually be about to happen. OH MY GOD THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THEY RIP PEOPLE’S HEARTS OUT OF THEIR CHESTS HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN SUCH A THING?!?!?!?
Maybe that’s why they edited this one for content. Oh my. I wonder if Indy will explain the archaeological significance of what just happened, or if I missed that part. Indy went to go get something archaeologically significant even though Kate Capshaw didn’t want him to. I think he got it but if the first movie is any indication then some Nazis will surely be along soon to take it from him. Are Nazis in this one? And where did this little kid come from? He’s so precocious.
Now they have an Indy voodoo doll that they’re putting in fire. What is this religion all about? They must have one bad-ass store to get their little outfits and accessories and candles and whatnot. Now they are beating Indy with a whip, which makes me wonder if Indy will reconsider its use as a weapon. A fun fact to lighten up this torture scene is that Harrison Ford provided the whipcracks on the Jimmy Buffett song “Desperation Samba (Halloween in Tijuana)”. Jimmy Buffett and Harrison Ford are friends in real life.
This religion seems kind of similar to the one practiced by the people who are after Ringo Starr in the movie “Help!” Except vastly more violent, and the little kid doesn’t provide the same comic relief that Lennon/McCartney did. I just looked him up and he’s also in The Goonies and the television show “Head of the Class.” There’s a show that they should think about bringing to DVD. The little kid just told Indy that Indy is his best friend. I don’t think that portends good things for his emotional development. Indy will love you and leave you, kid. And it’s kind of a miracle you’re not dead yet. Temples of doom are no places for little kids.
Which is why, of course, Indy has to save all the little kids that have been turned into slaves! But someone gets out the Indy voodoo doll again, which means the little kid and Kate Capshaw have to do some of the heavy lifting. One guy dies by getting crushed in a wheel thing. Now they’re all in a cart and I think they’re going through the set of “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride.” This had to be a bitch to film.
Indy stops a car with his feet and then he gets chased by lots of water. Two things I would not like about being an archaeologist are the running and all the peril. Now the little kid has discovered a bridge that goes over alligators. That seems like a good place to wrap up hour 5.
I was just joking in that last post about human sacrifice, but that might actually be about to happen. OH MY GOD THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THEY RIP PEOPLE’S HEARTS OUT OF THEIR CHESTS HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN SUCH A THING?!?!?!?
Maybe that’s why they edited this one for content. Oh my. I wonder if Indy will explain the archaeological significance of what just happened, or if I missed that part. Indy went to go get something archaeologically significant even though Kate Capshaw didn’t want him to. I think he got it but if the first movie is any indication then some Nazis will surely be along soon to take it from him. Are Nazis in this one? And where did this little kid come from? He’s so precocious.
Now they have an Indy voodoo doll that they’re putting in fire. What is this religion all about? They must have one bad-ass store to get their little outfits and accessories and candles and whatnot. Now they are beating Indy with a whip, which makes me wonder if Indy will reconsider its use as a weapon. A fun fact to lighten up this torture scene is that Harrison Ford provided the whipcracks on the Jimmy Buffett song “Desperation Samba (Halloween in Tijuana)”. Jimmy Buffett and Harrison Ford are friends in real life.
This religion seems kind of similar to the one practiced by the people who are after Ringo Starr in the movie “Help!” Except vastly more violent, and the little kid doesn’t provide the same comic relief that Lennon/McCartney did. I just looked him up and he’s also in The Goonies and the television show “Head of the Class.” There’s a show that they should think about bringing to DVD. The little kid just told Indy that Indy is his best friend. I don’t think that portends good things for his emotional development. Indy will love you and leave you, kid. And it’s kind of a miracle you’re not dead yet. Temples of doom are no places for little kids.
Which is why, of course, Indy has to save all the little kids that have been turned into slaves! But someone gets out the Indy voodoo doll again, which means the little kid and Kate Capshaw have to do some of the heavy lifting. One guy dies by getting crushed in a wheel thing. Now they’re all in a cart and I think they’re going through the set of “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride.” This had to be a bitch to film.
Indy stops a car with his feet and then he gets chased by lots of water. Two things I would not like about being an archaeologist are the running and all the peril. Now the little kid has discovered a bridge that goes over alligators. That seems like a good place to wrap up hour 5.
Indiana Jones Hour Four: What an exciting hour!
For Hour 4 I went outside on the deck and read my book. There was a pleasant breeze. It got a little darkly ominous and even rained for a few minutes. But it stopped as suddenly as it began. I have no idea what I missed. Is this the one where they eat bugs and make a human sacrifice out of the little kid?
Indiana Jones Hour 3: An exclusive interview
Hour Three starts and we’re still in the first movie. The fact that I’m already so tuckered makes me worry that I might not be up to the challenge of blogging all these movies. I feel bad that I’m so tired. Indiana Jones fought all these damn dirty Nazis and he never complained about being tired. To spice things up I am going to conduct an interview for hour 3. An interview with myself.
Molly #1: Why are you so tired?
Molly #2: I don’t know.
Molly #1: You haven’t even been paying attention to this for like 15 minutes, have you?
Molly #2: No. I honestly don’t know how Marion and Indy got on this ship or whatever they’re on. Do they have the ark with them?
Molly #1: I don’t know. Why don’t you focus on this love scene that is the culmination of two hours of sexual tension?
Molly #2: Okay.
Molly #1: It was over kinda quick!
Molly #2: That’s what she said!
Molly #1: Oh dear, bad guys have found them.
Molly #2: How original. I did not see that coming.
Molly #1: So Molly #2, are you excited about the new Indiana Jones movie?
Molly #2: I’m sort of ambivalent. I don’t know whether I will go see it in theaters or not.
Molly #1: Do you think Harrison Ford is too old?
Molly #2: No. I’m pretty sure Harrison Ford will outlive us all and don’t think his age will be too much of a factor. I’m intrigued by Cate Blanchett as a “ruthless Soviet agent and sword wielding villain” (that’s how my tie-in can of Diet Dr. Pepper describes her) and would be happy to watch her read the phone book. Shia LaBeouf seems like a charming young man, the character of Marion is back, and I’m sure John Williams’ stirring score will manipulate my emotions appropriately.
Molly #1: Did you know “LaBeouf” means “the beef” in French?
Molly #2: Yeah, he mentioned that on Letterman once. You know what’s kinda frustrating? It keeps looking like it’s gonna rain and then it doesn’t. If it’s not going to rain I’m going to go outside.
Molly #1: Really? And miss the breathtaking conclusion of this movie? What will happen to the ark? What will happen to Indy and Marion?
Molly #2: I just had an awesome idea. I think there should be a band called Indiana and the Jones, and they sing songs about things in the movie. Like one song could be called “Damn Dirty Nazis” and one song could be called “Don’t Look Directly at What’s in the Ark (Unless You Want Fire to Go Through Your Stomach and Destroy You).”
Molly #1: Lame-o!
Molly #2: Oh finally the first movie is over. Now we have “Temple of Doom.”
Molly #1: Would you say that it’s the best titled movie?
Molly #2: I think so. “Temple of Doom” is pretty evocative. “Last Crusade” is just a lie of a title because there’s another crusade about to be released to theaters. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” was pretty good as well.
Molly #1: This movie has apparently been edited for content.
Molly #2: I don’t know how I feel about that. What if they edited something good?
Molly #1: I wish more movies had musical numbers like the one that opens this movie.
Molly #2: I hope Indy can get either the diamond or the antidote in this screwball comedy of an opening scene.
Molly #1: Are there any other cinematic fights that take place in five inches of balloons?
Molly #2: Asia’s a weird place. Oh look, they found that little kid with a speech impediment. He’s so adorable.
Molly #1: I think he grows up to be Shia LaBeouf. Man I could go for some candy right now.
Molly #2: You can get some after this freaky commercial for an underwater circus that somehow turns into a commercial for an insurance company.
Molly #1: Commercials are so zany!
Molly #2: The new Indiana Jones would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus. Actually most everything would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus.
Molly #1: Would you like to go to an underground circus?
Molly #2: No, I would not, because the water would get in my popcorn.
Molly #1: What if they have special underwater refreshments at the underwater circus that you don’t even know about?
Molly #2: I just find that too implausible to consider.
Molly #1: Why are you so tired?
Molly #2: I don’t know.
Molly #1: You haven’t even been paying attention to this for like 15 minutes, have you?
Molly #2: No. I honestly don’t know how Marion and Indy got on this ship or whatever they’re on. Do they have the ark with them?
Molly #1: I don’t know. Why don’t you focus on this love scene that is the culmination of two hours of sexual tension?
Molly #2: Okay.
Molly #1: It was over kinda quick!
Molly #2: That’s what she said!
Molly #1: Oh dear, bad guys have found them.
Molly #2: How original. I did not see that coming.
Molly #1: So Molly #2, are you excited about the new Indiana Jones movie?
Molly #2: I’m sort of ambivalent. I don’t know whether I will go see it in theaters or not.
Molly #1: Do you think Harrison Ford is too old?
Molly #2: No. I’m pretty sure Harrison Ford will outlive us all and don’t think his age will be too much of a factor. I’m intrigued by Cate Blanchett as a “ruthless Soviet agent and sword wielding villain” (that’s how my tie-in can of Diet Dr. Pepper describes her) and would be happy to watch her read the phone book. Shia LaBeouf seems like a charming young man, the character of Marion is back, and I’m sure John Williams’ stirring score will manipulate my emotions appropriately.
Molly #1: Did you know “LaBeouf” means “the beef” in French?
Molly #2: Yeah, he mentioned that on Letterman once. You know what’s kinda frustrating? It keeps looking like it’s gonna rain and then it doesn’t. If it’s not going to rain I’m going to go outside.
Molly #1: Really? And miss the breathtaking conclusion of this movie? What will happen to the ark? What will happen to Indy and Marion?
Molly #2: I just had an awesome idea. I think there should be a band called Indiana and the Jones, and they sing songs about things in the movie. Like one song could be called “Damn Dirty Nazis” and one song could be called “Don’t Look Directly at What’s in the Ark (Unless You Want Fire to Go Through Your Stomach and Destroy You).”
Molly #1: Lame-o!
Molly #2: Oh finally the first movie is over. Now we have “Temple of Doom.”
Molly #1: Would you say that it’s the best titled movie?
Molly #2: I think so. “Temple of Doom” is pretty evocative. “Last Crusade” is just a lie of a title because there’s another crusade about to be released to theaters. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” was pretty good as well.
Molly #1: This movie has apparently been edited for content.
Molly #2: I don’t know how I feel about that. What if they edited something good?
Molly #1: I wish more movies had musical numbers like the one that opens this movie.
Molly #2: I hope Indy can get either the diamond or the antidote in this screwball comedy of an opening scene.
Molly #1: Are there any other cinematic fights that take place in five inches of balloons?
Molly #2: Asia’s a weird place. Oh look, they found that little kid with a speech impediment. He’s so adorable.
Molly #1: I think he grows up to be Shia LaBeouf. Man I could go for some candy right now.
Molly #2: You can get some after this freaky commercial for an underwater circus that somehow turns into a commercial for an insurance company.
Molly #1: Commercials are so zany!
Molly #2: The new Indiana Jones would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus. Actually most everything would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus.
Molly #1: Would you like to go to an underground circus?
Molly #2: No, I would not, because the water would get in my popcorn.
Molly #1: What if they have special underwater refreshments at the underwater circus that you don’t even know about?
Molly #2: I just find that too implausible to consider.
Indiana Jones Hour 2: the capital is Indianapolis
So far I have seen two commercials with Indiana Jones tie-ins: Expedia and Burger King. Maybe I will start taking shots every time there’s an Indiana Jones commercial.
So now we’re back, and Indy is drinking with that monkey and he thinks his woman is dead. Then things get worse because he meets up with that guy who stole the idol at the beginning, Belloq. Belloq is a damn dirty Nazi. Small children save Indy from an escalating war of words with Belloq. That monkey gets in the car with them and that can mean nothing but trouble…unless the monkey gets hungry, eats a poisoned date, and thus saves Indy from death. Turns out that’s what happens. “Bad dates,” the man says.
Now they’re at the dig site and Indy is sneaking around doing archaeologist things. Turns out he is there just at the right time of day to make some important discoveries. I am going to eat two Oreos to celebrate. Then Indy finds out that Marion is still alive. I guess I better make that three Oreos. Then Indy makes the good decision to leave her tied up so he can find the Ark.
Uh-oh, that creepy guy that doesn’t like fire is back again, complete with a “heil Hitler” so we can remember how evil he is. Indy starts digging for the ark.
During the commercial break I did a little light housekeeping so I might have missed some Indy tie-in commercials. During the commercial the guys in the movie did a lot of digging and now they’ve found something. Inside are tons of snakes. If you remember from the beginning of the movie, Indy just hates snakes. He just hates them. And you know what, so do I. So my notes on this section of the movie are going to be a little fuzzy, because if I watch something about snakes, then I will likely dream about snakes tonight and then I will wake up thinking that snakes are all over me, and I will freak out.
The bad guys are making Marion put on a pretty dress. Isn’t it kind of amazing how well it fits? If I were held captive and they gave me a dress to put on, I really don’t think it would fit and I’d have to have dinner with the bad guys in a dress that wouldn’t zip. How embarrassing. All right snake related stuff is going on so I am just going to do some distracting things on the internet.
Okay now I am back and can only hope I didn’t miss anything too important. The bad guy with the burnt hand is back. Outside my apartment the wind is blowing hard as if it can sense the evil inside. A storm is brewing. I can see a bug out there. The Nazis find Indy and take his treasure yet again. They throw Marion into the pit of snakes with Indy. If I didn’t know there were three more movies after this, I would assume this was the end of Indiana Jones.
Because we all mourn in our own way and because I’m scared of snakes I left the room for a bit to let these kids get themselves free and work out their relationship issues. I worked on some laundry related stuff instead. When I come back out, Indy is fist-fighting a guy against the backdrop of a swastika-emblazoned plane. Marion is in a plane machine-gunning guys. I know I should be rooting for Marion, but on this viewing, I just feel like she’s more trouble than she’s worth.
One of the bad guys really lost his head. Because a propeller sawed it off.
Indy finds out he can still get the ark, which is in a truck. He gets on a horse. A commercial comes on. A commercial comes on for men’s hair color and it involves a robot voice which may be a commercial specially made for the SciFi channel. Now Indy’s back and ditched the horse at some point that I must not have been paying attention for. Now they’re in vehicles. They’re like racing and bumping into things and falling in the water and off cliffs and stuff. Look I know we’re only two hours into this thing but I might need a nap soon.
So now we’re back, and Indy is drinking with that monkey and he thinks his woman is dead. Then things get worse because he meets up with that guy who stole the idol at the beginning, Belloq. Belloq is a damn dirty Nazi. Small children save Indy from an escalating war of words with Belloq. That monkey gets in the car with them and that can mean nothing but trouble…unless the monkey gets hungry, eats a poisoned date, and thus saves Indy from death. Turns out that’s what happens. “Bad dates,” the man says.
Now they’re at the dig site and Indy is sneaking around doing archaeologist things. Turns out he is there just at the right time of day to make some important discoveries. I am going to eat two Oreos to celebrate. Then Indy finds out that Marion is still alive. I guess I better make that three Oreos. Then Indy makes the good decision to leave her tied up so he can find the Ark.
Uh-oh, that creepy guy that doesn’t like fire is back again, complete with a “heil Hitler” so we can remember how evil he is. Indy starts digging for the ark.
During the commercial break I did a little light housekeeping so I might have missed some Indy tie-in commercials. During the commercial the guys in the movie did a lot of digging and now they’ve found something. Inside are tons of snakes. If you remember from the beginning of the movie, Indy just hates snakes. He just hates them. And you know what, so do I. So my notes on this section of the movie are going to be a little fuzzy, because if I watch something about snakes, then I will likely dream about snakes tonight and then I will wake up thinking that snakes are all over me, and I will freak out.
The bad guys are making Marion put on a pretty dress. Isn’t it kind of amazing how well it fits? If I were held captive and they gave me a dress to put on, I really don’t think it would fit and I’d have to have dinner with the bad guys in a dress that wouldn’t zip. How embarrassing. All right snake related stuff is going on so I am just going to do some distracting things on the internet.
Okay now I am back and can only hope I didn’t miss anything too important. The bad guy with the burnt hand is back. Outside my apartment the wind is blowing hard as if it can sense the evil inside. A storm is brewing. I can see a bug out there. The Nazis find Indy and take his treasure yet again. They throw Marion into the pit of snakes with Indy. If I didn’t know there were three more movies after this, I would assume this was the end of Indiana Jones.
Because we all mourn in our own way and because I’m scared of snakes I left the room for a bit to let these kids get themselves free and work out their relationship issues. I worked on some laundry related stuff instead. When I come back out, Indy is fist-fighting a guy against the backdrop of a swastika-emblazoned plane. Marion is in a plane machine-gunning guys. I know I should be rooting for Marion, but on this viewing, I just feel like she’s more trouble than she’s worth.
One of the bad guys really lost his head. Because a propeller sawed it off.
Indy finds out he can still get the ark, which is in a truck. He gets on a horse. A commercial comes on. A commercial comes on for men’s hair color and it involves a robot voice which may be a commercial specially made for the SciFi channel. Now Indy’s back and ditched the horse at some point that I must not have been paying attention for. Now they’re in vehicles. They’re like racing and bumping into things and falling in the water and off cliffs and stuff. Look I know we’re only two hours into this thing but I might need a nap soon.
Indiana Jones Hour One: The Adventure Begins
So perhaps you’ve noticed that we’re halfway through May and I’ve only posted twice. Something I learned in February, though, when the Academy Awards were on, is that if you watch some sort of television event, and post all your thoughts on it hourly, then you can generate a lot of posts. So today I am going to blog my watching of all three Indiana Jones movies, which are being shown today on the SciFi channel in preparation for the new Indiana Jones that is coming out soon.
So not only will I increase my posting, I will provide a public service for everyone who wants to get ready for the new movie but does not have the time to sit down and watch the first three movies themselves. I myself have only vague memories of what happens in which movies.
So to set the scene, it is 1 pm on a Sunday. I just got out of the shower and I have never watched anything on the SciFi channel before so I am pretty excited about that. It is a little overcast and if it were nicer I’d probably be out on my deck. But then we would be deprived the hours of fun that we’re about to have.
So while I was typing all that we had the opening credits of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and Indiana Jones, who is played by Harrison Ford in case you don’t know, is about to go into a cave. A poison dart has indicated that enemies are fresh on these explorers’ trail. Now they’re in the cave and they have spiders all over them! Then they discovered a skeleton. This is a very scary cave. I hope they get what they want out of it and that there are no double crosses amongst this staff.
Okay, so what he wants is a golden head. He takes it and makes the gods angry. Oh crap. There is a double cross by his assistant, who is going to take the idol and leave Indiana Jones to die. OH NO EXCEPT HE DIED.
Now there is a big ball chasing Indy. He survives only to have the idol taken away. Then he is chased by a native tribe with firm asses and poison darts. He swims to his waiting plane but it has a snake in it. This guy is having a Very Bad Day.
Perhaps what he needs is a roast beef sandwich and some potato salad, which is what I made myself during the commercial break. We come back to the movie to see Indy teaching a class that is full of young women who just find him dreamy. Including a girl who wrote “Love You” on her eyelids.
Now Indy is in a meeting about the damn dirty Nazis, who are trying to get all the world’s religious artifacts. Indy immediately gathers that the damn dirty Nazis are after the ark of the covenant. This part of the movie is kinda important so that you know the significance of what they’re after but I’m a little too busy with my sandwich to type it all out.
So now Indy has got to get the ark before the damn dirty Nazis. He’s going to have to find his old mentor, who knows more about it than he does. He packs his suitcase with a jacket, a whip and a gun. So I guess we shouldn’t expect too many costume changes in this movie.
Okay I am finished with lunch so I’ll be able to focus a little more. Indy is getting on a plane but someone treacherous is on board with him. You can tell by the ominous music and the way he peers at Indy from behind a Life magazine. Only badasses read Life.
Actually I bet that guy can’t even read.
A line that shows the airplane’s progress lets us know that we have flown to Nepal, where there is a drinking contest taking place. This scene kinda scared me when I was little because you know the part where Karen Allen falls asleep and people think she is done? I got really worried for her, like maybe she was seriously injured. I just looked it up on IMDB and Karen Allen was 30 when she made this movie. This really relieves me. I was scared that she’d be my age or younger in this movie, and then I’d have to question how my life was going. What if she were my age and had already been in an Indiana Jones movie? That would make me feel just awful.
So now Marion is alone in her bar and she has Indy’s money and the artifact he is looking for in her shirt. Now treacherous guy is here. He has a German accent so that should be an immediate tip-off that this guy is going to be a damn dirty Nazi, albeit a wimpy one who can’t stomach cigarette smoke. The guy threatens her with a hot iron but I have a hunch that Indy will save her…and yep there he is. Unfortunately it will be a race against time because that hot iron has also set the bar on fire. Now people are getting set on fire and getting shot and it is really intense. The German gets his hand burned by the artifact. That guy really needs to learn to deal with fire.
Now Marion, who’s bar has been burned to the ground, is going to tag along with Indy because she has the medallion. What I predict is that she is going to be more of a liability than a help. Now they are in Cairo and Marion’s first act as Indy’s partner is to acquire a monkey. See what I mean about being a liability? What are the chances this monkey will ever be anything but a burden or perhaps lead to disaster?
Marion is rocking some high-waisted red pants as she and Indy stroll through a market and eat dates. The monkey finds a guy with an eye patch and the two of them start following Indy and Marion. They are bantering cutely unaware of all the people after them. Now a fight has broken out in the market. Indy puts Marion on a hay cart where she belongs but she escapes and tries to fight off a guy with a frying pan. Then she hides in a basket but the monkey finds her and betrays her location. I coulda told her that monkey was a mistake.
Did you know Barack Obama had a monkey when he lived in Indonesia?
One day Harrison Ford was sick and instead of filming a big long whip fight, he just ended up shooting the guy. They just had that scene. Also did you know that Tom Selleck was up for the role of Indiana Jones and couldn’t get out of his Magnum PI contract? HOW WOULD OUR WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF TOM SELLECK HAD BEEN INDIANA JONES?????? Let’s all ponder that as hour one of watching Indiana Jones comes to an end.
So not only will I increase my posting, I will provide a public service for everyone who wants to get ready for the new movie but does not have the time to sit down and watch the first three movies themselves. I myself have only vague memories of what happens in which movies.
So to set the scene, it is 1 pm on a Sunday. I just got out of the shower and I have never watched anything on the SciFi channel before so I am pretty excited about that. It is a little overcast and if it were nicer I’d probably be out on my deck. But then we would be deprived the hours of fun that we’re about to have.
So while I was typing all that we had the opening credits of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and Indiana Jones, who is played by Harrison Ford in case you don’t know, is about to go into a cave. A poison dart has indicated that enemies are fresh on these explorers’ trail. Now they’re in the cave and they have spiders all over them! Then they discovered a skeleton. This is a very scary cave. I hope they get what they want out of it and that there are no double crosses amongst this staff.
Okay, so what he wants is a golden head. He takes it and makes the gods angry. Oh crap. There is a double cross by his assistant, who is going to take the idol and leave Indiana Jones to die. OH NO EXCEPT HE DIED.
Now there is a big ball chasing Indy. He survives only to have the idol taken away. Then he is chased by a native tribe with firm asses and poison darts. He swims to his waiting plane but it has a snake in it. This guy is having a Very Bad Day.
Perhaps what he needs is a roast beef sandwich and some potato salad, which is what I made myself during the commercial break. We come back to the movie to see Indy teaching a class that is full of young women who just find him dreamy. Including a girl who wrote “Love You” on her eyelids.
Now Indy is in a meeting about the damn dirty Nazis, who are trying to get all the world’s religious artifacts. Indy immediately gathers that the damn dirty Nazis are after the ark of the covenant. This part of the movie is kinda important so that you know the significance of what they’re after but I’m a little too busy with my sandwich to type it all out.
So now Indy has got to get the ark before the damn dirty Nazis. He’s going to have to find his old mentor, who knows more about it than he does. He packs his suitcase with a jacket, a whip and a gun. So I guess we shouldn’t expect too many costume changes in this movie.
Okay I am finished with lunch so I’ll be able to focus a little more. Indy is getting on a plane but someone treacherous is on board with him. You can tell by the ominous music and the way he peers at Indy from behind a Life magazine. Only badasses read Life.
Actually I bet that guy can’t even read.
A line that shows the airplane’s progress lets us know that we have flown to Nepal, where there is a drinking contest taking place. This scene kinda scared me when I was little because you know the part where Karen Allen falls asleep and people think she is done? I got really worried for her, like maybe she was seriously injured. I just looked it up on IMDB and Karen Allen was 30 when she made this movie. This really relieves me. I was scared that she’d be my age or younger in this movie, and then I’d have to question how my life was going. What if she were my age and had already been in an Indiana Jones movie? That would make me feel just awful.
So now Marion is alone in her bar and she has Indy’s money and the artifact he is looking for in her shirt. Now treacherous guy is here. He has a German accent so that should be an immediate tip-off that this guy is going to be a damn dirty Nazi, albeit a wimpy one who can’t stomach cigarette smoke. The guy threatens her with a hot iron but I have a hunch that Indy will save her…and yep there he is. Unfortunately it will be a race against time because that hot iron has also set the bar on fire. Now people are getting set on fire and getting shot and it is really intense. The German gets his hand burned by the artifact. That guy really needs to learn to deal with fire.
Now Marion, who’s bar has been burned to the ground, is going to tag along with Indy because she has the medallion. What I predict is that she is going to be more of a liability than a help. Now they are in Cairo and Marion’s first act as Indy’s partner is to acquire a monkey. See what I mean about being a liability? What are the chances this monkey will ever be anything but a burden or perhaps lead to disaster?
Marion is rocking some high-waisted red pants as she and Indy stroll through a market and eat dates. The monkey finds a guy with an eye patch and the two of them start following Indy and Marion. They are bantering cutely unaware of all the people after them. Now a fight has broken out in the market. Indy puts Marion on a hay cart where she belongs but she escapes and tries to fight off a guy with a frying pan. Then she hides in a basket but the monkey finds her and betrays her location. I coulda told her that monkey was a mistake.
Did you know Barack Obama had a monkey when he lived in Indonesia?
One day Harrison Ford was sick and instead of filming a big long whip fight, he just ended up shooting the guy. They just had that scene. Also did you know that Tom Selleck was up for the role of Indiana Jones and couldn’t get out of his Magnum PI contract? HOW WOULD OUR WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF TOM SELLECK HAD BEEN INDIANA JONES?????? Let’s all ponder that as hour one of watching Indiana Jones comes to an end.
Monday, May 12, 2008
squeaky voices
Well, I have been to a few concerts lately and I thought I should do a concert blog. I must admit that I’ve had writers block about this post because it’s the first concert blog since my brother did an excellent write-up about a Tom Russell concert he went to, and I can’t think of anything that’s gonna make this one as good. But here we go anyways.
First up, a show last week with Amy LaVere and Langhorne Slim. Wikipedia describes Amy Lavere’s music as “a blend of classic country, gypsy jazz, and southern soul,” but we all know that we can’t always trust Wikipedia, primarily because they used a comma after the second item in a repeating series and according to AP style, that shouldn’t be done. Wikipedia also notes that she has been in movies, including “Walk the Line” (as Wanda Jackson) and “Black Snake Moan”.
I have a copy of Amy LaVere’s latest album which is called “Anchors and Anvils,” which starts with a song about killing one’s lover and features on the cover a picture of Amy Lavere holding a sparkly gun. I need to get a gun like that. A sparkly one. That’s the kind of gun I could cling to in these times when I’m bitter. In concert Amy plays an upright bass and that also looked pretty bad-ass.
I found Langhorne Slim’s CD in the Seattle Public Library a few years ago and I had never heard of the guy but I couldn’t resist this cover:
So I borrowed the CD from the library and have always liked it. There are some songs on there that are good for jumping around. But he’s way better in concert. I would go so far as to say he is kick-ass in concert. Wikipedia does not provide a description of the music as it does for Amy Lavere (it does offer the fun facts that his real name is Sean Scolnick and his birthday is August 20) so all I can do is offer you this video to see for yourself: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zehZX3UJKOY. I think he’s going somewhere, so much so that when I was standing behind him at the bar, I contemplated stealing the receipt that he’d just signed. But I didn’t.
So if you watched the video, you might notice that he has kind of a squeaky voice. So did Amy Lavere in her little between-song banter. But in my house, the ultimate in squeaky voices is Nanci Griffith, who has inspired my parents to go around the house saying “thank you very much” or “thank you kindly” in high voices. Cause that’s what Nanci Griffith does. She used to teach kindergarten and my dad thinks she never really lost that high-voiced way of talking to children. Just in her talking, not so much in the singing.
Anyways, this weekend I went to Black Mountain, NC with my dad to see Nanci Griffith at the LEAF Festival. I think LEAF stands for L’hippie E’hippie A’hippie F’hippie. I’m just kidding, hippies. You’re all nice people, it’s just that there were an awful lot of you at the LEAF festival, and most of you had spent the previous two days camping together. I just wasn’t ready for all of you. Sorry I didn’t make it for the drum circle. I just came for Nanci.
Nanci put on a great show despite very heavy winds (tornados were ripping across the state), a hand injury that left her unable to play the guitar (for only the second show in her life, she said) and barbeque smoke that would sometimes render her unable to sing or speak. According to her, every time she turned to one side of the stage, the smoke from the nearby concession stands would go down her throat. Maybe it was the smoke, but she didn’t sound as squeaky this time.
But this barbeque smoke had a benefit for me, because I was sitting on the other side of the concession stands, so she was looking over my way a lot. I’d like to think we made eye contact and created a sort of mind meld. I was commanding her with my mind meld to play “Across the Great Divide” and that happened, so all I can say is watch out, I think I might have discovered some mind meld capabilities.
Nanci has this song called “It’s a Hard Life Wherever You Go” and she said that if she has her way in November, she’ll stop singing the song because Barack Obama will make everything better. Dad said that was a good enough reason for him not to vote for Barack Obama because he would rather she keep singing the song. It is a good song, but I don’t know why Nanci Griffith’s endorsement is not enough for my dad to support Barack Obama. Doesn’t he know that celebrity endorsements are supposed to decide things for us? They’re like the super-super-delegates.
First up, a show last week with Amy LaVere and Langhorne Slim. Wikipedia describes Amy Lavere’s music as “a blend of classic country, gypsy jazz, and southern soul,” but we all know that we can’t always trust Wikipedia, primarily because they used a comma after the second item in a repeating series and according to AP style, that shouldn’t be done. Wikipedia also notes that she has been in movies, including “Walk the Line” (as Wanda Jackson) and “Black Snake Moan”.
I have a copy of Amy LaVere’s latest album which is called “Anchors and Anvils,” which starts with a song about killing one’s lover and features on the cover a picture of Amy Lavere holding a sparkly gun. I need to get a gun like that. A sparkly one. That’s the kind of gun I could cling to in these times when I’m bitter. In concert Amy plays an upright bass and that also looked pretty bad-ass.
I found Langhorne Slim’s CD in the Seattle Public Library a few years ago and I had never heard of the guy but I couldn’t resist this cover:
So I borrowed the CD from the library and have always liked it. There are some songs on there that are good for jumping around. But he’s way better in concert. I would go so far as to say he is kick-ass in concert. Wikipedia does not provide a description of the music as it does for Amy Lavere (it does offer the fun facts that his real name is Sean Scolnick and his birthday is August 20) so all I can do is offer you this video to see for yourself: http://youtube.com/watch?v=zehZX3UJKOY. I think he’s going somewhere, so much so that when I was standing behind him at the bar, I contemplated stealing the receipt that he’d just signed. But I didn’t.So if you watched the video, you might notice that he has kind of a squeaky voice. So did Amy Lavere in her little between-song banter. But in my house, the ultimate in squeaky voices is Nanci Griffith, who has inspired my parents to go around the house saying “thank you very much” or “thank you kindly” in high voices. Cause that’s what Nanci Griffith does. She used to teach kindergarten and my dad thinks she never really lost that high-voiced way of talking to children. Just in her talking, not so much in the singing.
Anyways, this weekend I went to Black Mountain, NC with my dad to see Nanci Griffith at the LEAF Festival. I think LEAF stands for L’hippie E’hippie A’hippie F’hippie. I’m just kidding, hippies. You’re all nice people, it’s just that there were an awful lot of you at the LEAF festival, and most of you had spent the previous two days camping together. I just wasn’t ready for all of you. Sorry I didn’t make it for the drum circle. I just came for Nanci.
Nanci put on a great show despite very heavy winds (tornados were ripping across the state), a hand injury that left her unable to play the guitar (for only the second show in her life, she said) and barbeque smoke that would sometimes render her unable to sing or speak. According to her, every time she turned to one side of the stage, the smoke from the nearby concession stands would go down her throat. Maybe it was the smoke, but she didn’t sound as squeaky this time.
But this barbeque smoke had a benefit for me, because I was sitting on the other side of the concession stands, so she was looking over my way a lot. I’d like to think we made eye contact and created a sort of mind meld. I was commanding her with my mind meld to play “Across the Great Divide” and that happened, so all I can say is watch out, I think I might have discovered some mind meld capabilities.
Nanci has this song called “It’s a Hard Life Wherever You Go” and she said that if she has her way in November, she’ll stop singing the song because Barack Obama will make everything better. Dad said that was a good enough reason for him not to vote for Barack Obama because he would rather she keep singing the song. It is a good song, but I don’t know why Nanci Griffith’s endorsement is not enough for my dad to support Barack Obama. Doesn’t he know that celebrity endorsements are supposed to decide things for us? They’re like the super-super-delegates.
Monday, May 5, 2008
fish sticks
I thought everyone might like an update on my fish, Alvin. Yesterday was our two-week anniversary. We’ve had some highs and lows (mostly lows) but we are finally finding our footing. Here is a review of our time together:
--In the first few days after I brought Alvin home I was wracked with tremendous guilt. What if the next person in the pet store was going to take him home to a gigantic 1000 gallon aquarium? He would have had a much more exciting life than being stuck in a little bowl. I did not think he looked very happy in the bowl.
--For most of the past two weeks I have been convinced that Alvin is blind, because he would come right up near his fish food, and he would open his mouth like he was going to eat, but he would always miss the food. I didn’t see him eat something until yesterday. Maybe he thought I was trying to poison him.
--Alvin seems to have figured out that my current fear in life is coming home from work and finding him dead. So he’s developed a hilarious routine where he hovers near the top of the bowl and does not move even a gill. I freak out because I think he has died. Then he moves again. That’s so funny, Alvin. So funny.
--Last week I had to change Alvin’s water and it really caused some trust issues between us. I guess it caused him some trauma and he got very skittish whenever I was nearby. We are doing a little better now but I will probably have to change his water again soon. I fear it will be a vicious cycle.
--He has this little frog in the tank with him who is supposed to serve as decoration. I think they might be having an affair. Alvin is obsessed with that frog.
--Alvin continues to be a very good swimmer and he shows off his big flashy tail a lot. Right now he is swimming up on the side of the bowl like maybe eventually he’ll find a way out.
I guess that’s about it. In conclusion, I’d like to thank my brother George, who used to work in a pet store and has had to answer a lot of questions about fish. Also when I called him to wish him happy birthday, I had a minor freakout that Alvin was dead. I hope that didn’t ruin your birthday, George. It turns out he wasn’t dead.
--In the first few days after I brought Alvin home I was wracked with tremendous guilt. What if the next person in the pet store was going to take him home to a gigantic 1000 gallon aquarium? He would have had a much more exciting life than being stuck in a little bowl. I did not think he looked very happy in the bowl.
--For most of the past two weeks I have been convinced that Alvin is blind, because he would come right up near his fish food, and he would open his mouth like he was going to eat, but he would always miss the food. I didn’t see him eat something until yesterday. Maybe he thought I was trying to poison him.
--Alvin seems to have figured out that my current fear in life is coming home from work and finding him dead. So he’s developed a hilarious routine where he hovers near the top of the bowl and does not move even a gill. I freak out because I think he has died. Then he moves again. That’s so funny, Alvin. So funny.
--Last week I had to change Alvin’s water and it really caused some trust issues between us. I guess it caused him some trauma and he got very skittish whenever I was nearby. We are doing a little better now but I will probably have to change his water again soon. I fear it will be a vicious cycle.
--He has this little frog in the tank with him who is supposed to serve as decoration. I think they might be having an affair. Alvin is obsessed with that frog.
--Alvin continues to be a very good swimmer and he shows off his big flashy tail a lot. Right now he is swimming up on the side of the bowl like maybe eventually he’ll find a way out.
I guess that’s about it. In conclusion, I’d like to thank my brother George, who used to work in a pet store and has had to answer a lot of questions about fish. Also when I called him to wish him happy birthday, I had a minor freakout that Alvin was dead. I hope that didn’t ruin your birthday, George. It turns out he wasn’t dead.
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