Indiana Jones Hour One: The Adventure Begins

So perhaps you’ve noticed that we’re halfway through May and I’ve only posted twice. Something I learned in February, though, when the Academy Awards were on, is that if you watch some sort of television event, and post all your thoughts on it hourly, then you can generate a lot of posts. So today I am going to blog my watching of all three Indiana Jones movies, which are being shown today on the SciFi channel in preparation for the new Indiana Jones that is coming out soon.

So not only will I increase my posting, I will provide a public service for everyone who wants to get ready for the new movie but does not have the time to sit down and watch the first three movies themselves. I myself have only vague memories of what happens in which movies.

So to set the scene, it is 1 pm on a Sunday. I just got out of the shower and I have never watched anything on the SciFi channel before so I am pretty excited about that. It is a little overcast and if it were nicer I’d probably be out on my deck. But then we would be deprived the hours of fun that we’re about to have.

So while I was typing all that we had the opening credits of “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and Indiana Jones, who is played by Harrison Ford in case you don’t know, is about to go into a cave. A poison dart has indicated that enemies are fresh on these explorers’ trail. Now they’re in the cave and they have spiders all over them! Then they discovered a skeleton. This is a very scary cave. I hope they get what they want out of it and that there are no double crosses amongst this staff.

Okay, so what he wants is a golden head. He takes it and makes the gods angry. Oh crap. There is a double cross by his assistant, who is going to take the idol and leave Indiana Jones to die. OH NO EXCEPT HE DIED.

Now there is a big ball chasing Indy. He survives only to have the idol taken away. Then he is chased by a native tribe with firm asses and poison darts. He swims to his waiting plane but it has a snake in it. This guy is having a Very Bad Day.

Perhaps what he needs is a roast beef sandwich and some potato salad, which is what I made myself during the commercial break. We come back to the movie to see Indy teaching a class that is full of young women who just find him dreamy. Including a girl who wrote “Love You” on her eyelids.

Now Indy is in a meeting about the damn dirty Nazis, who are trying to get all the world’s religious artifacts. Indy immediately gathers that the damn dirty Nazis are after the ark of the covenant. This part of the movie is kinda important so that you know the significance of what they’re after but I’m a little too busy with my sandwich to type it all out.

So now Indy has got to get the ark before the damn dirty Nazis. He’s going to have to find his old mentor, who knows more about it than he does. He packs his suitcase with a jacket, a whip and a gun. So I guess we shouldn’t expect too many costume changes in this movie.

Okay I am finished with lunch so I’ll be able to focus a little more. Indy is getting on a plane but someone treacherous is on board with him. You can tell by the ominous music and the way he peers at Indy from behind a Life magazine. Only badasses read Life.

Actually I bet that guy can’t even read.

A line that shows the airplane’s progress lets us know that we have flown to Nepal, where there is a drinking contest taking place. This scene kinda scared me when I was little because you know the part where Karen Allen falls asleep and people think she is done? I got really worried for her, like maybe she was seriously injured. I just looked it up on IMDB and Karen Allen was 30 when she made this movie. This really relieves me. I was scared that she’d be my age or younger in this movie, and then I’d have to question how my life was going. What if she were my age and had already been in an Indiana Jones movie? That would make me feel just awful.

So now Marion is alone in her bar and she has Indy’s money and the artifact he is looking for in her shirt. Now treacherous guy is here. He has a German accent so that should be an immediate tip-off that this guy is going to be a damn dirty Nazi, albeit a wimpy one who can’t stomach cigarette smoke. The guy threatens her with a hot iron but I have a hunch that Indy will save her…and yep there he is. Unfortunately it will be a race against time because that hot iron has also set the bar on fire. Now people are getting set on fire and getting shot and it is really intense. The German gets his hand burned by the artifact. That guy really needs to learn to deal with fire.

Now Marion, who’s bar has been burned to the ground, is going to tag along with Indy because she has the medallion. What I predict is that she is going to be more of a liability than a help. Now they are in Cairo and Marion’s first act as Indy’s partner is to acquire a monkey. See what I mean about being a liability? What are the chances this monkey will ever be anything but a burden or perhaps lead to disaster?

Marion is rocking some high-waisted red pants as she and Indy stroll through a market and eat dates. The monkey finds a guy with an eye patch and the two of them start following Indy and Marion. They are bantering cutely unaware of all the people after them. Now a fight has broken out in the market. Indy puts Marion on a hay cart where she belongs but she escapes and tries to fight off a guy with a frying pan. Then she hides in a basket but the monkey finds her and betrays her location. I coulda told her that monkey was a mistake.

Did you know Barack Obama had a monkey when he lived in Indonesia?

One day Harrison Ford was sick and instead of filming a big long whip fight, he just ended up shooting the guy. They just had that scene. Also did you know that Tom Selleck was up for the role of Indiana Jones and couldn’t get out of his Magnum PI contract? HOW WOULD OUR WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF TOM SELLECK HAD BEEN INDIANA JONES?????? Let’s all ponder that as hour one of watching Indiana Jones comes to an end.