Indiana Jones Hour 6: When will this end?

Hour 6 starts with Indy cutting down the bridge with alligators so that some bad guys get eaten. The chief bad guy makes one last attempt to rip out Indiana Jones’ heart but luckily I did not get too scared that he’d succeed because I know there’s another movie on right after this. Indy prevails. I hope I didn’t ruin the end for anyone.

I know I missed some of this movie because I was outside reading, but one thing I can say is that this movie passed by much more quickly than the first one, which did seem a little long. As far as I can ascertain, the only things I missed were: the development of the romance between Indiana Jones and Kate Capshaw, the significance of the Temple of Doom and exactly what Indiana Jones was trying to do down there, and some adorably precious things performed by the little kid.

Well, the third movie is starting. It is titled “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” and Harrison Ford is reprising his role as Indiana Jones. It is 6:10 p.m. I just opened a beer. So far I have thought of two possibilities for dinner and those two things are toaster waffles and cereal. Some boy scouts are riding through what appears to be Utah and given that this is the first 10 minutes of an Indiana Jones movie, I fear something bad might happen to them.

Oh, River Phoenix is playing young Indiana. I had forgotten about this. Young Indy has the same intensity about archaeological artifacts but is unafraid of snakes at this point in his life. That will not last, as he lands amidst all these snakes on a train car. Snakes on a train! Where is Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? Then Young Indy finds a whip and gets eaten by a lion. The end.

Just kidding. We have HOURS of movie left to go.

We have another scene of grown-up Indy teaching in his classroom. He still loves writing one word at a time on the board, he still has girls in love with him in his class, Marcus keeps coming into his classroom right before the bell rings. Shake it up a little bit, Spielberg.

And shake it up he does, because then we get a scene that shows that Indy’s students have some gripes with Indy. So he sneaks out a window under the watchful eye of what we can only assume at this point is a Nazi or Sean Connery. Or I guess just some dudes who bring Indy to a meeting with a guy who is also totally into archaeological artifacts. The Holy Grail! Someone alert Dan Brown because I think he totally missed this movie.

So Indy sets off to find the most precious artifact of all, his father. I go off to give my dad a call. I talk to my mom for five minutes but now it’s back to the movie. In the time in which I was gone Indy found some sort of hot librarian who is willing to dig holes in library floors for the sake of adventure.

Someone releases a lot of rats into the library hole but not before Indy makes some sort of important discovery. Look, Indy seems to have things under control so I’m going to go back out on the deck for awhile.