Book #7: The Three Musketeers

The book: The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas

What is this book about: This guy goes off to be a musketeer. He meets three other musketeers, the very same ones in the title. If you think that’s an unbelievable coincidence, then this book isn’t for you, because this book is full of unbelievable coincidences. Anyways, he hangs out with his buddies all the time but some bad things are going down in France. Political intrigue and forbidden love affairs and whatnot. Our hero just wants to love a married woman, but she’s tied up in all the political intrigue so things don’t go very well, even ignoring the fact that she’s already married. Luckily the guy has all the other musketeers to help him through all these plots and intrigues. They’re such good friends that they go around talking about all for one and one for all, but they don’t change the title of the book to reflect that they’re a foursome. Do you find this description long? It’s a long book. I haven’t even given away that much of the plot. I haven’t mentioned very many of the characters. I could go on forever. It’s a long book. But a good one.

Why did I read this book: I started this book so long ago, I don’t even remember why I started reading it. It took me a long time to read, not because I didn’t love the book, but because I’ve been really busy. But I can tell you why I finally finished the book tonight, and that’s because I’m going on vacation. And one of my favorite parts of vacation is cracking open a brand new book. So I had to get this one done. Now I get to go pick out my next book. I have sort of a weird to-do list before I go on vacation.

What did I think of this book: I think people were too easily offended in an age where being offended meant having to fight with swords. I think I spent a lot of time rooting for the bad guy. I think I was sad when the book finally ended.

What was my favorite part of this book: swordfights, revenge

What did I learn from this book:
1. How to pretend to be a Puritan and/or a Catholic, depending on the situation, to get men to do what I want
2. swordfighting
3. the French language
4. many random facts about Parisian geography from the copious footnotes.

What grade do I give this book: A

Now enjoy this:


Okay, it's possible I read the book so I'd have an excuse to put that on my blog again.

another giant bug

First up, a giant bug update. I don’t know where it is. But I feel its presence.

Now on to something else that bugs me, giantly. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Most people who’ve talked to me for any length of time know that Jennifer Love Hewitt is my archnemesis. I really would prefer that she go away.

But she doesn’t go away! She keeps on being famous for not doing anything! First she was famous because she had big boobs and she talked about them ALL THE TIME. Last year she was famous because she got fat and she yelled at everyone for calling her fat. And now, this week, she’s famous because she got skinny. Do you know who else had that kind of career, Jennifer Love Hewitt? Anna Nicole Smith, that’s who. Big boobs, fat, then skinny. Now I’m beginning to think that both of you having three names is no mere coincidence.

Now, despite her earlier comments that it didn’t matter what she looked like, and hey, she wasn’t fat, Jennifer Love Hewitt is making the rounds talking about how great it is to be skinny. Today I saw some comments that just made my blood boil, and I must talk about them.

Here are the comments, as quoted from People Magazine:
“I wish I had been nude from the time I was 12 until I was 28. I looked great! I so wish I had listened to my mom and grandma when I was 18 and would complain about some little tiny bump or feeling bloated. I used to scoff and say, ‘No, I feel fat today!’ Now the joke’s on me. I want to tell all the young girls to walk around in bikinis all summer, because there will be that one day in your twenties when you’ll eat a hamburger and actually see the hamburger on the side of your leg.”

And on turning 30 next year, JLH says:
“I’m so excited! It’s my dream age. I don’t know why but, literally since my 12th birthday I’ve wanted to turn 30.”

Okay, Jennifer Love Hewitt, here is why I think you are an idiot, besides the fact that you make people call you “Love” and you talk about your boobs all the time:

1. 12-year-olds should not walk around naked! That is really inappropriate! I would say the same goes for 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 year olds. Maybe when you go to college you can walk around naked. Oh, you didn’t go to college? So sad for you.

2. Really? You used to ‘scoff’ at your mother and grandma? You would scoff at them? I’ve seen you act, Jennifer Love Hewitt. I’m not sure you could scoff if your life depended on it.

3. I don’t know if you’ve heard of a little thing called skin cancer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, but that’s just one reason why young girls shouldn’t walk around in bikinis all summer. What kind of role model are you not to tell girls to wear sunscreen?

4. Look, I am in my twenties, as you are, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Granted, you appear to be 3 years older than me, and maybe something happens in those three years that I don’t quite understand, but I think that if you ever eat a hamburger, and then see it immediately on your leg, THEN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR LEG.

5. I guess I feel nothing for pity for you if you’ve “literally” been dreaming of turning 30 since you were 12. Too bad you didn’t think of that 13 Going on 30 movie. I guess you were a year ahead of your time. And too busy thinking about your boobs.

update: giant bug still on the lam

Good news. I survived the night with a giant bug running around my apartment. I didn’t have the best night of sleep, simply because I kept imagining I felt things running up my legs or getting in my hair and whatnot.

I also had a dream that the bug somehow got inside me and laid hundreds of thousands of giant bug baby eggs and I became the carrier for all these eggs, and I became increasingly more moody and irritable until one day my skin split open and the bugs came out of my skin and every orifice and I didn’t sleep too much after that.

Oh! But before that, I had a different dream, which was my brothers built a boat by hand, and we took it out on the water, and for some reason we gave Lindsay Lohan a ride. When Lindsay Lohan got on board, there was too much weight and the boat started going underwater and Lindsay Lohan got all wet. She was not too happy.

Sorry, it can be pretty boring when people talk about their dreams. I’m just so happy to have made it through the night.

So far this morning there has been no sign of the giant bug. He is probably biding his time until I go to work, at which point he will eat my fish Alvin and do generally awful things to all my belongings.

Okay, gotta go eat some waffles. The baby bugs inside of me are hungry.

Molly vs. the giant bug

I like to think of myself as fairly strong and resilient. I take care of myself and don’t let things get in my way. I can do things that I know other girls call their boyfriends for. I’m saying all this so that you know that it would be extremely hard for me to admit a weakness. I don’t want you to think I’m exaggerating.

But I have truly met my match.

There is a bug in my apartment that is the size of a salamander.

I mean, it could be a salamander for all I know. I can’t get close enough to get a good look without running away shrieking. And I don’t shriek, people! This is the biggest bug I’ve ever seen in my life!

On my last attempt to swoop in and kill it, it started running toward me and I fell over and crawled away helplessly because I didn’t want to leave myself vulnerable to this giant bug. To some extent, I’m a little offended that none of my neighbors have stopped by to see if the screaming girl is all right.

Right now, the bug is hiding, which I find hard to believe since this bug is so fucking huge. I really need to go to bed and get some sleep, but I felt compelled to post this, because I have a dreadful feeling that the bug might try to eat me while I sleep. That bug is big enough to do it, to kill me.

So look, if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, it’s possible that I might be dead. Please use this blog in applicable courts of law to prosecute the bug.

Also, I’m well aware that I might be a character in a Kafka novella. Either way, I’m concerned I might die soon.

a heart tugging olympic story

Well, I have just had a non-stop busy week, so I haven’t had much time to watch the Olympics. Tonight when I was having my weekly chat with my father, he said, “I can’t believe you’re not watching the Olympics! So many human interest stories!” It did kind of make me feel like I was missing out so I’ve got the Olympics on and I’m going to work on some Olympics-themed blogs. For at least the next hour. Then “Mad Men” comes on.

All right, since Dad likes the human interest stories, I guess I will write one for myself. That sort of touching story they play before the competitions. I don’t know if they still do that, since I haven’t watched the Olympics since last Sunday, but if they’re still doing it, here is the narration I would like Bob Costas to read:

-------------------------------------------
The United States’ greatest hope in table tennis almost didn’t make it to the Olympics. When she was just a toddler, she went into the backyard and got into a garbage can full of leaves. As she lay there, wondering how she’d get out of the can of leaves, a cow started mooing. Mooooooooooooollllly, the cow seemed to moo. Moooooooooooooooooooooooo. Which Molly took to mean, you must train to be an Olympian.

Molly overcame an important obstacle that day, which was getting out of that can of leaves without being eaten by a cow, which is a good thing because if she hadn’t, then the world would have been deprived of her table tennis prowess. But she didn’t pick up a paddle that day. In fact, she immediately forgot what the cow had told her, for she was only a toddler and was in trouble with her mother for wandering off and getting into a can of leaves.

Molly took another path, not yet knowing that her destiny was Olympic glory. When she started showing promise in reading, her parents groomed her to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. Sometimes they would write her letters while she was off at sleepaway camp, and the letters wouldn’t even have words. It would just be a bunch of dashes, and Molly would have to figure out the message by guessing consonants and buying vowels. She ran out of money and couldn’t buy any more vowels, which is how she missed her ride home from camp.

Molly’s greatest challenge was spinning the wheel, for one thing because she was so tiny and it was hard to reach down there. Also she was scared that she’d get injured by all those spikes that are sticking up, because if you don’t get your hand out of the way real fast, those things will hurt you. Also she just didn’t have a very well developed arm. To build up her spinning arm, her parents gave her a ping pong paddle. Little did they know they were putting her smackdab on a path toward her Olympic destiny.

Little Molly was an unpopular child, because all she wanted to do was play Hangman and word games and she was really, really good at them. But Molly didn’t care that she had no friends, because she had a DREAM. She certainly would have been a million dollar winner at Wheel of Fortune, even though they don’t even have million dollar winners. She was just that good.

Her dreams of Wheel of Fortune victory turned sour though. She started answering math questions with letters. She started having recurring dreams that Vanna White would reveal the letters, only to reveal decapitated heads. The decapitated heads were nice, overall; they’d tell Molly she was doing well at the game and that she had picked a nice outfit for television and that she would probably win a trip to Miami if she kept it up. But as nice as the decapitated heads were, it started to throw Molly off.

Molly had lost her focus and was losing her grasp on her dream. One time she ran into Pat Sajak at the airport. It should have been the beginning of a dream come true. Instead, she called him Alex Trebek, threw up all over his shoes, and stole his chicken nuggets. The police found her in an airport newsstand, tearing pages out of magazines, throwing them in the air, and yelling, “letters for everyone!”

Since Pat Sajak got a restraining order, Molly couldn’t go on Wheel of Fortune. She spent days and days in bed, getting out of bed only to go to college. At college, Molly showed up to a party and noticed that all the drinking was being done from cups on a table. It was a game of beer pong. Suddenly, Molly remembered that cow. Molly picked up a cup, and a paddle, and started playing a beer pong of her own devising. No one else at the party was very amused, but Molly’s road to the Olympics had finally started.

Fast forward some amount of undetermined time, and Molly is seeking redemption at these Olympic games. Not athletic redemption, though, because she really never had any failures. I’m just saying that she’s looking for redemption because it is VERY dramatic.

Like all Olympic athletes, Molly has overcome a lot of diseases, which I will now read off for you so that you have sympathy for her and marvel at her accomplishments. She survived the chicken pox, food poisoning, premenstrual syndrome, dengue fever, giardia, apraxia, dyslexia and sinusitis. Also, one time she sprained her knee. She thought she’d never walk again. But after Franklin Delano Roosevelt contacted her from beyond the grave to tell her that wheelchairs were not all they were cracked out to be, she put a little more effort into physical therapy. So not only did she walk again, she became a mentor for all people with sprained knees. Sometimes when she puts her hands on injured children, they walk again.

So now, Molly is here to face the world at table tennis. She has said that if she wins a gold medal, she will dedicate it to that cow from her childhood and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in gratitude for their inspiration. Then she will mail the medal, along with a box of chicken nuggets, to Pat Sajak, just to show him that there are no hard feelings.

Olympic brainstorm

Guys, I have been just racking my brain all day trying to think of some new Olympic sports. I don’t think we have enough of them.

Saturday night I went to see the Atlanta Rollergirls play roller derby, so of course I thought about adding some Olympic sports that involve roller skates. This seems perfect to me because it would take the place of all the skating that happens in the Winter Olympics. Here are the events I’ve thought of:

--roller derby (this one was easy to come up with since I saw it on Saturday. It involves a lot of girls in crazy outfits trying to outskate each other; people cheer and gasp when there are falls. The rules are complicated for me to go over at this late hour but trust me when I say it would make a great team event)

--limbo (this would have good music)

--limbo, but instead of a limbo pole held in place and adjusted downward at a steady rate, this limbo pole would be provided by the javelin throwers. The javelin people come over, throw a javelin, people roller skate under it. Twice as dangerous. Worth twice the points.

--speed roller skating

--speed roller skating down a really steep hill

--cross-country roller skating. Like, the contestants start in wherever the Olympics are held. Then they start skating outwards. Whoever accumulates the most miles by the time the Olympics are over wins the gold.

--bike-skating. A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, for like, 100 miles.

--bike-skating-wagon pull: A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, who in turn pulls a red wagon behind them, which is holding a person, who in turn is holding a duck. Or maybe a spoon with an egg on it.

--skating dodgeball. Like dodgeball, but on roller skates.

--Synchronized roller skating.

--Skate dives. You dive off a diving board into a pool, but you’re wearing roller skates.

--Roller basketball. Pretty self-explanatory.

--Roller rope. Jump rope routines while wearing roller skates.

That’s all I have so far. The only sport I’ve been able to come up with that doesn’t involve roller skates is an event I am tentatively calling “One-Legged Standing.” In this event, contestants try to be the one who can stand on one leg for the longest. There will be medals awarded in both the right leg and the left leg category. Maybe there can be style points awarded if you do fancy things while you’re standing on one leg, like moving your arms around and swaying and bending over and whatnot, all while maintaining balance.

But don’t get too cocky and think it will be easy. One of the factors in this event is a person whose job it is to try to make you lose balance, through tactics such as poking you in the tummy or tickling you under your nose with a feather. I can just hear the announcers now. “Lars Hall from Sweden, holding up under immense pressure here. His left leg has got to be tired, that’s a given. He’s already withstood the nose tickle, the tummy poke and the wet willie. But he’s trained for this moment, and this may be his last shot at a medal. Oh! Oh I’m seeing some wobbling! And, and…he’s down! Lars Hall takes the silver, while Ferenc Nemeth from Hungary takes the gold!”

Lars Hall really is from Sweden. He won gold medals in the modern pentathlon in the 1952 Helskinki games and the 1956 Melbourne games. Ferenc Nemeth of Hungary won the next gold medal in this event, at the 1960 Rome games. According to Wikipedia Lars Hall died in 1991, so he will never take part in One-Legged Standing. I salute you, Lars Goran Ivar Hall. Ferenc Nemeth, Wikipedia says you’re alive, so you still have a shot at this.

olympic athletes

Well, despite ending the blog entry a little early last night, I did make it to the end of the opening ceremonies. I watched the Chinese walk in and go crazy, and Bob Costas reminded me again and again that this was the most important moment in the history of modern China. I’ve just about decided that I prefer learning about important moments of history in textbooks, as opposed to living through them.

But I did like it when they lit the Olympic torch! Did you see it? A Chinese gymnast flew like Peter Pan around the stadium and then the fire went up a tube thing and lit up the gigantic torch! I want to get one of those tube things when I have a house someday; I will use it to light my chandelier.

Last night while I was watching all of the athletes parade in, I was trying to decide which country I would be from, if the only basis for choosing was the outfits they wore to the ceremony. I didn’t really come up with a good answer as no one looked particularly comfortable. But today, as I watch a little women’s volleyball, I thought I’d consider what event I’d want to participate in, as an athlete. So I got the list of all the event from Wikipedia. To be honest I don’t know if they’re all women’s sports or not, and maybe I don’t understand how they’re all played as far as the Olympics are concerned. But that’s not gonna stop me!

Pros and Cons of Competing in Various Olympic Events
Aquatics-Diving
Pro: Jumping off really high diving boards is fun and awesome!
Con: Might hit head on diving board; lots of people see you standing around in a bathing suit; belly flops are painful

Aquatics-Swimming
Pro: I would gain insight into the life of my fish, Alvin.
Con: Have to wear a swimsuit frequently; get really broad shoulders, may make it difficult to find shirts that fit.

Aquatics-Synchronized Swimming
Pro: I like dancing, and I like meandering around in water, so this seems like the only sport I might be remotely qualified for.
Con: People probably make fun of you

Aquatics-Water Polo
Pro: I bet they play Marco Polo at the end of practices.
Con: Might be too easy to get hit on the head and drown.

Archery
Pro: Could fight off unsavory characters.
Con: I don’t really have very good aim; seems like a lot of equipment; might be hard to trust your teammates.

Athletics
Pro: This involves all the track and field events. I’m just putting a factoid here because there are no pro’s about these events.
Con: I hate running, especially in hot weather like they are having in Beijing.

Badminton
Pro: Can practice in your backyard!
Con: Those rackets break really easily, so may be too big of a financial commitment.

Baseball
Pro: Can chew gum while you compete.
Con: I’m pretty sure this one is only for boys.

Basketball
Pro: In team sports, sometimes it can be kind of easy to hide the fact that you have no athletic talent, if you just keep running around.
Con: No one cares about women’s basketball; the multitasking of running and bouncing a ball has never been my strong suit.

Boxing
Pro: Could get out a lot of aggression and stress
Con: Might bleed.

Canoeing
Pro: Sounds relaxing.
Con: Life jackets are bulky and sometimes smell moldy.

Cycling
Pro: Might meet Lance Armstrong; I am pretty good at cycling if the gym is any indication.
Con: I have a feeling that the gym is not any indication, especially cause you can’t read magazines when you do it for real.

Equestrian
Pro: The horse does a lot of the work in this event, right?
Con: Horses smell bad and poop a lot.

Fencing
Pro: Could pretend I was a Musketeer
Con: Potential for injury seems high.

Field Hockey
Pro: It seems pretty fun.
Con: People might think I was a lesbian.

Football
Pro: Do they mean soccer? Soccer is good because it’s another sport where you can run around and hide your lack of skill.
Con: It’s a lot of running; I lack, let’s say, precision when it comes to my kicking.

Gymnastics
Pro: Everyone loves gymnastics.
Con: You have to be really tiny and have a mean Romanian coach.

Handball
Pro: If middle-aged guys can play it at the gym, I probably can to.
Con: People probably make a lot of puns about what you do.

Judo
Pro: I don’t really have an opinion on judo.
Con: But I don’t want to get hurt. And they never put judo gold medalists on Wheaties boxes.

Modern pentathlon
Pro: Could feel really good about being well-rounded.
Con: Sounds like a lot of work; people would always be asking what all the events were

Rowing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.

Sailing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.

Shooting
Pro: I used to be kinda good at Mario Duck Hunt.
Con: But real guns scare me.

Softball
Pro: It would be a good way to make friends.
Con: Well now it’s not going to be an Olympic sport anymore, so it seems like a bad choice. Also, playing softball as a girl kind of scarred me.

Table Tennis
Pro: Could train in the basement; could play beer pong after practice; doesn’t seem to require a ton of athletic skills
Con: You have to go against Chinese players who do nothing else with their waking hours but play.

Taekwondo
Pro: Could defend self; the outfits seem comfortable.
Con: I can’t think of any, but I’m getting distracted but the volleyball. They’re having like five match points!

Tennis
Pro: I’ve seen some hot male tennis players lately.
Con: I’ve always found tennis kind of lame and overrated.

Triathlon
Pro: I really can’t think of any.
Con: Sounds exhausting.

Volleyball
Pro: Get to hang out on the beach.
Con: I bet you never get the sand out of your hair. Never.

Weightlifting
Pro: Could go around saving lives and lifting up cars and opening jars and generally just being awesome!
Con: I don’t want to get too bulky.

Wrestling
Pro: I really liked watching the fake wrestling when I was little, and maybe other people in this event did too, and we could bond over it.
Con: This kind of wrestling isn’t fake.

Stay tuned for 2010, when I will reveal what Winter Olympic events interest me!

eight / eight / oh-eight

Guess what everybody?! For the next 16 days I will be liveblogging every single moment of the Olympics! It will really increase my entries for the year! All I will consume is Red Bull and Chinese food!

I’m just joshing, guys. For one thing, I have a job, and I have some semblance of a life. But tonight, I’m just sitting at home watching the opening ceremonies. I have to admit that I didn’t plan on watching the opening ceremonies, because frankly, I really haven’t had any Olympic fever lately. Well, I haven’t had Olympic fever probably since that time that Kerri Strug did gymnastics on her broken ankle but this year it’s especially muted.

For one thing, I’m confused about how we’re supposed to feel about these Olympics. Are we supposed to be mad about the censorship and Tibet and Darfur and air pollution and the fact that 10 is no longer a perfect gymnastics score? Some people are telling me yes.

And yet I keep hearing about how this is China’s introduction to the world and that's just so much pressure that it's hard to watch! I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to China yet, but they’re spending all this money. It’s kinda like an overly fancy dinner paid for by a guy that you really don’t want to see again, but he’s threatened to kill himself if you don’t agree to a second date.

What I’m trying to say is that these Olympics just have me fraught with anxiety and guilt, and it’s only been exacerbated by Time Magazine, which I feel has been writing ominous articles about these Olympics since 2005.

The night is finally here and I can’t say that I feel any better about the whole situation. Even the commercials during the opening ceremony are slickly and studiously overproduced. The whole thing’s impressive but kinda wearing me out. Reviewing the entire spectrum of Chinese history will do that to you, I guess. And apparently in China, people paint with their bodies and glow in the dark and ride on kites and the multitudes can drum and dance in frightening synchronicity.

Oh! And did you see the thing where all these boxes were moving like the wind, and then they were arranged to symbolize the Great Wall of China, and then the wall was torn down and replaced by the flower that represents openness in China? That was already pretty deep and heavy, but then the boxes opened up and out popped Chinese people? What are they trying to do, kill me? I mean, I was an English major, so I love me some symbolism, but symbolism created by human Chinese jack-in-the-boxes? I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head.

I wonder how it feels to be one of the thousands of guys in these demonstrations. I mean, they’ve clearly spent eons of hours perfecting these routines. But if you were watching the tape of this later, would you even be able to pick yourself out of the crowd? Or in writing this paragraph, am I revealing the selfishness that a Western capitalist society allows me? If only I could submit this question to NBC’s China expert Joshua, the one doing commentary with Bob Costas and Matt Lauer!

Obviously, when Matt Lauer does some of his commentary, it’s clear that he got to see all this stuff in rehearsal, and he knows what’s going on. But sometimes I wonder if he’s actually seen the entire Olympics. I’m getting the sense that Matt Lauer has been in the future and has just now returned. If this is possible anywhere, I’m guessing it’s China.

Now they’re doing the parade of nations, the route of which goes by a line of jumping Chinese girls. That would kind of freak me out. I find it kind of sad that half the athletes carry flags and half carry cameras. But then Bob Costas made me sadder by saying that most of these athletes arrive knowing that they won’t win a medal, because their countries never win.

Matt Lauer, you are full of so many geographic factoids! As well as a healthy amount of celebrity gossip! I had completely forgotten that Madonna adopted a child from Malawi! I hope they win some medals!

And Bob Costas just revealed that he’s the kind of guy who reveals personal emails to the world. Apparently the Cayman Islands emailed to request that they not be cut out of the broadcast. So they weren’t, but now they’ll be remembered as the country that had to email Bob Costas to request that. To me at least. Ask me about the Cayman Islands anytime in the next five years or so, and I’ll tell you that they emailed Bob Costas about being on television.

Bob Costas made no mention of the Jamaica bobsled team! I know it’s the Summer Olympics but still! And no one knows where the team from Brunei is! But no one seems too concerned so I guess I won’t dwell on it. I have too many other things to dwell on where these Olympics are concerned. For example, Morgan Freeman is the voice of Olympics Visa commercials. But then I have to think about how Morgan Freeman almost died this week. Then I think about how it came out that Morgan Freeman is getting divorced. Then I have to think about how John Edwards admitted he had an affair. Then I remember that Olympics are in China and I am just worn out.

The Bushes are checking their watches. Stay classy, USA!

“You don’t get to say ‘boom boom’ all that often.” – Matt Lauer.

Those dancing Chinese girls have GOT to be tired.

The medal count is still zero.

Jesus Christ there’s still 20 countries to go before the U.S. team makes an appearance. This is longer than the Oscars.

Coca-Cola just aired a commercial that told me that if I’ve had a Coke in the last 80 years, then I’ve had a hand in making Olympic dreams come true. Take that, athletes! You train your whole life and I’ve just enjoyed Coke, but I think we are equals!

It’s kinda cute watching the presidents and prime ministers stand up and wave to their athletes. It’s like high school graduation.

Well, that’s an anti-climactic note to end on, but I’m exhausted. I might have a slight case of Olympic fever now, but it will probably be gone tomorrow.

maybe if it was Ziggy Stardust and just a penny

Now, let it be known that if I could magically cure any disease, leukemia would be near the top of the list of diseases I’d consider. I mean, I don’t want to start ranking which diseases are worst or most in need of a cure, but leukemia has affected my family so certainly I’m interested in eradicating it.

Which is why I am so disappointed by a mailing recently sent to me by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They want some of my money, and in return, they’ve sent me some address labels. I don’t know why exactly charities started sending address labels, perhaps to guilt a person into sending in a few bucks, but I would like to publicly thank the March of Dimes for the labels that they send me fairly regularly. These labels depict mailboxes decorated for different seasons and they send about 6 zillion so I’m always set for as long as I live in a certain spot. They’re perhaps a little more precious than something I’d pick out for myself but they get the job done.

But, oh, Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. You have picked Ziggy for your address labels, a bizarre bulbous man who frequently forgets to put his pants on. You have chosen an assortment of Ziggy poses, which include Ziggy smelling some flowers, backpacking, roller blading, standing in the rain, listening to a walkman, and jumping around for joy as hearts bloom around him. I can never ever use these labels. I mean, maybe when I’m sending in my utility bill but I certainly don’t want anyone who might actually know me to get the impression that I might actually buy address labels with Ziggy on them. Also, you included quite a lot of Ziggy stickers, in addition to the address labels, which I guess might be good if I had a five-year-old with a Trapper Keeper around but as it stands now that’s just wasted paper.

And speaking of waste, I want to talk about what really gets my goat about this mailing. Please don’t think I’m being too hard on this organization just because they picked Ziggy. That is not my major problem.

My major problem is that they taped an actual U.S. nickel to the mailing.

Now, I’m no expert in fundraising, but it seems to me that the point is to keep all the money you have while trying to get more. I’ve heard the expression “you’ve got to spend money to make money” but I really just don’t know if it’s applicable in this situation.

So the letter starts, “I’ve included a nickel to make a point. You and I both know that a single nickel won’t go far in the fight against blood cancers. But even nickels can quickly add up.” I KNOW THEY CAN ADD UP, LEUKEMIA AND LYMPHOMA SOCIETY!! THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR NICKEL INSTEAD OF SENDING IT TO ME!!! You go on to tell me that if we invest all these nickels in blood cancer research, we can save a ton of lives. I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s why I cannot for the life of me understand why are giving away your nickels! Why would I send you money when you’re just going to take it to the bank, convert it to nickels, and mail it back out to people?

Now, the request for donations asks that I return my nickel along with a generous gift. This also confuses me. Do you want me to literally mail you back the nickel? Does that affect postage? Because I would think another concept of fundraising is ensuring that it’s so easy for people to give that they just do it. But now I’d be worried that I’d have to make an extra trip to the post office just to make sure that this fucking nickel wasn’t going to be returned.

Perhaps you’re saying, oh, Molly, you’re taking this far too literally. When you write a check, you can just include the nickel there. But this is one of those donation forms where you put an “x” next to how much you’re giving, and all of the numbers are even. So, say, if a person were to mark that they’re donating $10, but they’re including their nickel, then really they’re only donating $9.95. DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS A MONEY LOSING PROPOSITION, LEUKEMIA SOCIETY?

Maybe this mailing is designed so that I feel guilty, so that I really will donate. Because I really don’t want this nickel sitting here when it could be fighting disease. It’s like blood money or something. But I just don’t know if I can trust charitable institutions that give away money like this. Maybe I could go to a hospital and drop it where I know a nurse or a doctor will find it.

And let me just warn you right now, March of Dimes. If you ever get cute and send me a dime with my mailbox labels…well, woe unto you. The little mailbox flag will go down, permanently.

the night the lights went out in georgia

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be Laura Ingalls. I wanted to ride around in a covered wagon and live in a little house on the prairie and roll down giant hills the way Melissa Gilbert did in the opening credits of the television show. Plus I really dug the outfits and the hairstyle.

But frankly, I’m not cut out for pioneer life. That was reinforced to me last night when we had a doozy of a storm and the power went out. For awhile I was all like, “ooh, I am a pioneer!” but once you’ve read by candlelight for awhile and eaten Pop-Tarts for dinner (the only thing I had in my apartment that didn’t require microwaving) then pioneer life becomes awfully dull. Plus, even Laura Ingalls had the ability to build a fire and Pa would have made some venison for dinner and then played the fiddle. They had it so much better than I did.

The power came back on around 4 a.m and I celebrated by turning on all my lights and my television and then turning them off and going back to bed! But I’ve been thinking about the olden times versus the modern times a lot today. I decided to take advantage of a program offered by BANK OF AMERICA, in which you show your BANK OF AMERICA debit or credit card at selected museums, and you get in for free. I am mentioning BANK OF AMERICA a lot in case they want to give me other things for free. One of the museums that was free with a BANK OF AMERICA card was the Fernbank Museum of Natural History so I headed over there.

One of the nice things about Fernbank is that they are probably one of the only places in Georgia that teaches what evolution is. But that can’t be immensely interesting for some of the little children who go there, because I heard a lot of parents saying, “let’s go, we’re going to take a ‘Walk Through Time in Georgia’” and the kid would just start wailing. But don’t worry small child, there are plenty of taxidermied animals for you to enjoy during a ‘Walk Through Time in Georgia.’

In this exhibit, it was hard for me to tell which was more ear-splitting: the artificial shrieks of all the birds that have lived in Georgia since time began or the conversations between parents and children, most of which went like this:
Parent: Do you see the bird?
Child: No, where?
Parent: Right there, the bird.
Child: What bird?
Parent: It’s right there, a bird. It’s red.
Child: Oh I saw that bird five minutes ago you fool. (starts crying)

Another interesting thing I observed about these parents and children was just how much the parents lied to the children. The parents brought their kids to a natural history museum and paid for their admission (unless, that is, they do trust their money to BANK OF AMERICA), probably hoping to teach the kid a little something. Then the child would ask a question, and instead of reading the text that accompanies the exhibits, the parent would just make something up. Not that I completely blame the parents. The kids were asking some dumbass questions.

If you stand just right, you can make the T-rex look like he's eating this thing!

If I understood the chronology of this exhibit correctly, then Coca-Cola predates the earliest humans!

After walking through time, I walked downstairs where there’s exhibit of ‘The World of Shells,’ which as far as I could tell, had audio narration performed by our 35th president, John F. Kennedy. I guess he did like sailing.

Then there was another exhibit about polar bears and penguins. The most exciting part of this exhibit for the children was a station where you could put on a little penguin costume and then go down a slide that looked like an ice floe. If you’re into education, I would say that this was proof that children learn by doing. I watched one little boy get all suited up like a penguin, and then he started begging his dad to watch him slide. But the dad was talking on a cell phone, making dinner reservations for the evening and asking detailed questions about the wine list. Based on the information he received, it looked like the family’s learning time was over. It was time to go try some wine.

I, meanwhile, continued to more exhibits. I looked at a giant dinosaur. Then I learned how we use our senses to perceive the natural world, and how cultural objects from around the world reveal a lot about the people they belong to. Lastly, I stopped by an exhibit on the “First Georgians.” Little is known about the first Georgians other than they had a canoe, they used spearpoints fashioned from rocks, they made tiny pieces of pottery, and like you, they might enjoy some of the delightful items available for purchase in the gift shop.

On the way back to the exit, I saw a small child licking elevator buttons. Clearly the modern world has loads more to offer than the prehistoric world.

goodbye, spider

For the past few weeks, I’ve been driving around with a spider. The spider spun a web between the side mirror on the driver’s side and the bottom of the car door. I didn’t try to get rid of the spider for a few reasons:

1. I always lacked proper getting-rid-of-spider equipment in my car, and I didn’t want to get my hand dirty.

2. It took me awhile to realize that the spider was living behind the mirror, or at least retreating there when the car was in motion.

3. I kind of wanted to see how big the web would get. Would it eventually cover my car?

4. It was rather calming to watch the spider work when I was stuck in traffic. Sometimes I would talk to it. I guess I was really talking to myself but it made me feel a little less crazy to be talking to a spider.

5. Sometimes when we were stopped at a traffic light, the spider would think we were stopped for good. So spidey would come out and start working on the web, but then we’d start going again, and the spider would have to hang for dear life to a strand of the web as it struggled to get back to the refuge of the mirror. I found this endlessly entertaining.

6. I couldn’t help but hope that this was the beginning of some fantastic children’s story, along the lines of “Charlotte’s Web” of course, and the spider was about to do something truly magical or save my life by spinning out the word “Stop!” before some reckless driver hit me.

7. I’ve been going to yoga class lately at this place where one of the teachers makes a big deal about carrying bugs outside instead of killing them when they get into the studio. How could I make eye contact with her if I recklessly killed a spider? I’m not saying I’m going to go out of my way to carry bugs in my apartment outside but at the very least that spider wasn’t in my way.

8. The spider tactfully kept the web from obstructing the view from my side mirror.

I guess those are the main reasons. But today I went up to get my car serviced at Toyota of Atlanta (which by the by, is nowhere in the vicinity of Atlanta) and some serviceman took it upon himself to destroy the web, and I’m guessing, the spider. The serviceman also took it upon himself to change my seat (I understand scooting it back so you can get your legs in there to drive, pal, but let’s leave my lumbar alignment alone), my radio station (don’t listen to the radio when you’re fixing my car!) and I even think he changed the settings that affect how much noise comes out of each of the speakers (see the previous parentheses! Those settings are hard to get just right!)

So for these crimes I’m at least hoping that my spider put up a really good fight and bit the serviceman. I also wouldn’t mind if the spider worked up the stamina to go into the waiting room to bite all the cashiers, who did not call my name when my car was ready, forcing me to sit there for a lot longer than I needed to. But I guess it was okay. I was entertained by this woman sitting near me who was calling all these people who work for her. The woman’s job I guess is arranging the in-store demonstrations that you see in grocery stores sometimes. So she’d call up a person to see if they could do a demo, and then she’d rattle off the store number (i.e. Publix 548) like it meant something, and then if the person hadn’t heard of it, she’d give them step-by-step directions from their home. I found that part a little creepy but I guess she tries to schedule workers to stores very close to their homes…maybe she pays their mileage or something. She’d also try to explain a little bit about what product they’d be showcasing, which is how I learned that there’s some gum coming out that’s supposed to curb a person’s appetite. Neither the woman nor I think it will work.

Every time she called a different person (and bear in mind I was there for quite a long time), the woman would explain that she was sorry that there hadn’t been many jobs lately, but that they were about to head into the busy demonstration season, which I guess coincides with school starting. So get ready! The in-store demonstrations are coming!

I’m sad, because I think my spider would have really enjoyed listening to me talk about them.