Olympic brainstorm

Guys, I have been just racking my brain all day trying to think of some new Olympic sports. I don’t think we have enough of them.

Saturday night I went to see the Atlanta Rollergirls play roller derby, so of course I thought about adding some Olympic sports that involve roller skates. This seems perfect to me because it would take the place of all the skating that happens in the Winter Olympics. Here are the events I’ve thought of:

--roller derby (this one was easy to come up with since I saw it on Saturday. It involves a lot of girls in crazy outfits trying to outskate each other; people cheer and gasp when there are falls. The rules are complicated for me to go over at this late hour but trust me when I say it would make a great team event)

--limbo (this would have good music)

--limbo, but instead of a limbo pole held in place and adjusted downward at a steady rate, this limbo pole would be provided by the javelin throwers. The javelin people come over, throw a javelin, people roller skate under it. Twice as dangerous. Worth twice the points.

--speed roller skating

--speed roller skating down a really steep hill

--cross-country roller skating. Like, the contestants start in wherever the Olympics are held. Then they start skating outwards. Whoever accumulates the most miles by the time the Olympics are over wins the gold.

--bike-skating. A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, for like, 100 miles.

--bike-skating-wagon pull: A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, who in turn pulls a red wagon behind them, which is holding a person, who in turn is holding a duck. Or maybe a spoon with an egg on it.

--skating dodgeball. Like dodgeball, but on roller skates.

--Synchronized roller skating.

--Skate dives. You dive off a diving board into a pool, but you’re wearing roller skates.

--Roller basketball. Pretty self-explanatory.

--Roller rope. Jump rope routines while wearing roller skates.

That’s all I have so far. The only sport I’ve been able to come up with that doesn’t involve roller skates is an event I am tentatively calling “One-Legged Standing.” In this event, contestants try to be the one who can stand on one leg for the longest. There will be medals awarded in both the right leg and the left leg category. Maybe there can be style points awarded if you do fancy things while you’re standing on one leg, like moving your arms around and swaying and bending over and whatnot, all while maintaining balance.

But don’t get too cocky and think it will be easy. One of the factors in this event is a person whose job it is to try to make you lose balance, through tactics such as poking you in the tummy or tickling you under your nose with a feather. I can just hear the announcers now. “Lars Hall from Sweden, holding up under immense pressure here. His left leg has got to be tired, that’s a given. He’s already withstood the nose tickle, the tummy poke and the wet willie. But he’s trained for this moment, and this may be his last shot at a medal. Oh! Oh I’m seeing some wobbling! And, and…he’s down! Lars Hall takes the silver, while Ferenc Nemeth from Hungary takes the gold!”

Lars Hall really is from Sweden. He won gold medals in the modern pentathlon in the 1952 Helskinki games and the 1956 Melbourne games. Ferenc Nemeth of Hungary won the next gold medal in this event, at the 1960 Rome games. According to Wikipedia Lars Hall died in 1991, so he will never take part in One-Legged Standing. I salute you, Lars Goran Ivar Hall. Ferenc Nemeth, Wikipedia says you’re alive, so you still have a shot at this.