eight / eight / oh-eight

Guess what everybody?! For the next 16 days I will be liveblogging every single moment of the Olympics! It will really increase my entries for the year! All I will consume is Red Bull and Chinese food!

I’m just joshing, guys. For one thing, I have a job, and I have some semblance of a life. But tonight, I’m just sitting at home watching the opening ceremonies. I have to admit that I didn’t plan on watching the opening ceremonies, because frankly, I really haven’t had any Olympic fever lately. Well, I haven’t had Olympic fever probably since that time that Kerri Strug did gymnastics on her broken ankle but this year it’s especially muted.

For one thing, I’m confused about how we’re supposed to feel about these Olympics. Are we supposed to be mad about the censorship and Tibet and Darfur and air pollution and the fact that 10 is no longer a perfect gymnastics score? Some people are telling me yes.

And yet I keep hearing about how this is China’s introduction to the world and that's just so much pressure that it's hard to watch! I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to China yet, but they’re spending all this money. It’s kinda like an overly fancy dinner paid for by a guy that you really don’t want to see again, but he’s threatened to kill himself if you don’t agree to a second date.

What I’m trying to say is that these Olympics just have me fraught with anxiety and guilt, and it’s only been exacerbated by Time Magazine, which I feel has been writing ominous articles about these Olympics since 2005.

The night is finally here and I can’t say that I feel any better about the whole situation. Even the commercials during the opening ceremony are slickly and studiously overproduced. The whole thing’s impressive but kinda wearing me out. Reviewing the entire spectrum of Chinese history will do that to you, I guess. And apparently in China, people paint with their bodies and glow in the dark and ride on kites and the multitudes can drum and dance in frightening synchronicity.

Oh! And did you see the thing where all these boxes were moving like the wind, and then they were arranged to symbolize the Great Wall of China, and then the wall was torn down and replaced by the flower that represents openness in China? That was already pretty deep and heavy, but then the boxes opened up and out popped Chinese people? What are they trying to do, kill me? I mean, I was an English major, so I love me some symbolism, but symbolism created by human Chinese jack-in-the-boxes? I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head.

I wonder how it feels to be one of the thousands of guys in these demonstrations. I mean, they’ve clearly spent eons of hours perfecting these routines. But if you were watching the tape of this later, would you even be able to pick yourself out of the crowd? Or in writing this paragraph, am I revealing the selfishness that a Western capitalist society allows me? If only I could submit this question to NBC’s China expert Joshua, the one doing commentary with Bob Costas and Matt Lauer!

Obviously, when Matt Lauer does some of his commentary, it’s clear that he got to see all this stuff in rehearsal, and he knows what’s going on. But sometimes I wonder if he’s actually seen the entire Olympics. I’m getting the sense that Matt Lauer has been in the future and has just now returned. If this is possible anywhere, I’m guessing it’s China.

Now they’re doing the parade of nations, the route of which goes by a line of jumping Chinese girls. That would kind of freak me out. I find it kind of sad that half the athletes carry flags and half carry cameras. But then Bob Costas made me sadder by saying that most of these athletes arrive knowing that they won’t win a medal, because their countries never win.

Matt Lauer, you are full of so many geographic factoids! As well as a healthy amount of celebrity gossip! I had completely forgotten that Madonna adopted a child from Malawi! I hope they win some medals!

And Bob Costas just revealed that he’s the kind of guy who reveals personal emails to the world. Apparently the Cayman Islands emailed to request that they not be cut out of the broadcast. So they weren’t, but now they’ll be remembered as the country that had to email Bob Costas to request that. To me at least. Ask me about the Cayman Islands anytime in the next five years or so, and I’ll tell you that they emailed Bob Costas about being on television.

Bob Costas made no mention of the Jamaica bobsled team! I know it’s the Summer Olympics but still! And no one knows where the team from Brunei is! But no one seems too concerned so I guess I won’t dwell on it. I have too many other things to dwell on where these Olympics are concerned. For example, Morgan Freeman is the voice of Olympics Visa commercials. But then I have to think about how Morgan Freeman almost died this week. Then I think about how it came out that Morgan Freeman is getting divorced. Then I have to think about how John Edwards admitted he had an affair. Then I remember that Olympics are in China and I am just worn out.

The Bushes are checking their watches. Stay classy, USA!

“You don’t get to say ‘boom boom’ all that often.” – Matt Lauer.

Those dancing Chinese girls have GOT to be tired.

The medal count is still zero.

Jesus Christ there’s still 20 countries to go before the U.S. team makes an appearance. This is longer than the Oscars.

Coca-Cola just aired a commercial that told me that if I’ve had a Coke in the last 80 years, then I’ve had a hand in making Olympic dreams come true. Take that, athletes! You train your whole life and I’ve just enjoyed Coke, but I think we are equals!

It’s kinda cute watching the presidents and prime ministers stand up and wave to their athletes. It’s like high school graduation.

Well, that’s an anti-climactic note to end on, but I’m exhausted. I might have a slight case of Olympic fever now, but it will probably be gone tomorrow.