maybe if it was Ziggy Stardust and just a penny

Now, let it be known that if I could magically cure any disease, leukemia would be near the top of the list of diseases I’d consider. I mean, I don’t want to start ranking which diseases are worst or most in need of a cure, but leukemia has affected my family so certainly I’m interested in eradicating it.

Which is why I am so disappointed by a mailing recently sent to me by the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They want some of my money, and in return, they’ve sent me some address labels. I don’t know why exactly charities started sending address labels, perhaps to guilt a person into sending in a few bucks, but I would like to publicly thank the March of Dimes for the labels that they send me fairly regularly. These labels depict mailboxes decorated for different seasons and they send about 6 zillion so I’m always set for as long as I live in a certain spot. They’re perhaps a little more precious than something I’d pick out for myself but they get the job done.

But, oh, Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. You have picked Ziggy for your address labels, a bizarre bulbous man who frequently forgets to put his pants on. You have chosen an assortment of Ziggy poses, which include Ziggy smelling some flowers, backpacking, roller blading, standing in the rain, listening to a walkman, and jumping around for joy as hearts bloom around him. I can never ever use these labels. I mean, maybe when I’m sending in my utility bill but I certainly don’t want anyone who might actually know me to get the impression that I might actually buy address labels with Ziggy on them. Also, you included quite a lot of Ziggy stickers, in addition to the address labels, which I guess might be good if I had a five-year-old with a Trapper Keeper around but as it stands now that’s just wasted paper.

And speaking of waste, I want to talk about what really gets my goat about this mailing. Please don’t think I’m being too hard on this organization just because they picked Ziggy. That is not my major problem.

My major problem is that they taped an actual U.S. nickel to the mailing.

Now, I’m no expert in fundraising, but it seems to me that the point is to keep all the money you have while trying to get more. I’ve heard the expression “you’ve got to spend money to make money” but I really just don’t know if it’s applicable in this situation.

So the letter starts, “I’ve included a nickel to make a point. You and I both know that a single nickel won’t go far in the fight against blood cancers. But even nickels can quickly add up.” I KNOW THEY CAN ADD UP, LEUKEMIA AND LYMPHOMA SOCIETY!! THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR NICKEL INSTEAD OF SENDING IT TO ME!!! You go on to tell me that if we invest all these nickels in blood cancer research, we can save a ton of lives. I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s why I cannot for the life of me understand why are giving away your nickels! Why would I send you money when you’re just going to take it to the bank, convert it to nickels, and mail it back out to people?

Now, the request for donations asks that I return my nickel along with a generous gift. This also confuses me. Do you want me to literally mail you back the nickel? Does that affect postage? Because I would think another concept of fundraising is ensuring that it’s so easy for people to give that they just do it. But now I’d be worried that I’d have to make an extra trip to the post office just to make sure that this fucking nickel wasn’t going to be returned.

Perhaps you’re saying, oh, Molly, you’re taking this far too literally. When you write a check, you can just include the nickel there. But this is one of those donation forms where you put an “x” next to how much you’re giving, and all of the numbers are even. So, say, if a person were to mark that they’re donating $10, but they’re including their nickel, then really they’re only donating $9.95. DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS A MONEY LOSING PROPOSITION, LEUKEMIA SOCIETY?

Maybe this mailing is designed so that I feel guilty, so that I really will donate. Because I really don’t want this nickel sitting here when it could be fighting disease. It’s like blood money or something. But I just don’t know if I can trust charitable institutions that give away money like this. Maybe I could go to a hospital and drop it where I know a nurse or a doctor will find it.

And let me just warn you right now, March of Dimes. If you ever get cute and send me a dime with my mailbox labels…well, woe unto you. The little mailbox flag will go down, permanently.