skylines and bylines

Atlanta doesn't really have much of a skyline, which used to bother my Emory classmates who came from the "big city." There's a moment when you're getting on Freedom Parkway, which leads to the interstates, and downtown kind of unfolds before you in a way that makes you think there's a skyline. But that's about it.

Today's Picture of the Day is my own personal skyline. I don't really know what any of the buildings are, other than the well-marked W, and this isn't downtown Atlanta, it's Midtown. I don't know if that matters or not. But anyways, I drive by this scene every morning on the way to work. The buildings that make a skyline over Piedmont Park. It's a beautiful scene with the sky is gray and cloudy, and it's a beautiful scene when the buildings sparkle against a clear blue sky. This picture was taken just as the sun began to set today.


It's a scene that reminds me that I live in a city, even though the place I live is more neighborhoody. And even though I'm happy to live in a city, I've never had to go to any of those buildings down there, and that kinda makes me happy too. I want to be close enough to touch a skyline, but not so close that I have to deal with the hassle. If that makes sense.

When you're driving by, you don't notice all the power lines.

it's funny because it's about furniture

Today's Picture of the Day shows off my favorite part of the drive between Atlanta and Candler. My three-and-a-half hour drive is only interstate for little bits and pieces; most of the drive winds its way through small towns and picturesque scenery. It's a pretty drive for sure, especially when leaves are changing, but my favorite part of the drive is a little less bucolic:



I like this sign because, of course, it is hilarious. But what is even a little more amusing is that I don't think of the small town in which it's located as a particularly scandalous place. I would say most of the areas I drive through are home to good conservative God-fearing folks. Not that those folks don't enjoy a good ribald joke about stripping, but I wouldn't be so brave as to stake my whole advertising campaign on it. And yet it's been in business since 1987. They must be doing something right in that barn.

Anyways, that's my favorite part of the drive. Here are the others:
--Clayton, GA: Clayton, GA really represents your best chance for cheap gas and getting something decent to eat between Atlanta and Candler. They have a Chick-fil-a which is good for early morning drives back to Atlanta, and they have a Wendy's which is good for dinnertime drives back to Atlanta. They have many gas stations with competitive prices, but my favorite one is probably this huge one that has the most gigantic beverage area you've ever seen. In addition to the standard bottled sodas, juices, beer, water, etc. that is available in most every gas station, they also have every single fountain drink. Also they have Icee-like beverages. And my favorite is the wide array of flavored coffee drinks, the kind of drinks you get by pushing a button until your cup is 2/3 of the way full. Starbucks has nothing on this place, if you lower your standards a little bit. I like to get the Peppermint Patty Mocha. It's hard to tell how much of it is coffee and how much of it is just a sugary peppermint concoction but what do I care? It only costs a dollar.

--Other signs: While no other sign matches the hilarity of the sign that is today's Picture of the Day, there are some other signs that mildly tickle me. There's a sign that says "Runaway Truck Ramp," and as my dad always says, it's so sad when trucks run away. There used to be a sign that said "Keep right except to pass" and it was followed not five yards later by a sign that indicated that the right lane was ending and you had to merge left. There used to be a sign indicating that a small town was the birthplace of one of the Miss Teen Georgia's but I guess her reign was so long ago now that they took it down.

--The parts of the trip where the speed limit is 70 mph: Yes, these sections of road don't really feature the pretty scenery that makes this trip so enjoyable, but at least you get to go fast through them. What's better is that the majority of these higher speed limit areas come right after you get off the interstate getting out of Atlanta. Since I'm usually crawling on that part, getting to go 70 right after feels especially fast.

--Gem mining areas: You pass a lot of those places where you pay some money for a bucket of dirt and then you look for gold and rubies and other gems. We went once as a field trip. Even though I don't think there could be much left to find at this point, going through this little area makes me feel that the possibility to be extremely rich has not passed me by.

--Gigantic private school on the side of the road in Georgia: There's this huge boarding school up on a hill that I pass. That place fascinates me. I wonder what goes on up there. What are the kids like? Sometimes I used to daydream that I went there. I guess my fascination with this place is not unique as there are many books about boarding schools.

--Scenery: I guess I already covered this in the intro. It's a pretty drive. The towns are darling, and even though you have to slow down to very low speed limits, you still get home faster than if you'd gone interstate the whole way. You pass a place that does chainsaw art!

--Milkshakes: There are a fair number of places where you could stop and get a milkshake, if that was your kind of thing.

goodbye, spider

For the past few weeks, I’ve been driving around with a spider. The spider spun a web between the side mirror on the driver’s side and the bottom of the car door. I didn’t try to get rid of the spider for a few reasons:

1. I always lacked proper getting-rid-of-spider equipment in my car, and I didn’t want to get my hand dirty.

2. It took me awhile to realize that the spider was living behind the mirror, or at least retreating there when the car was in motion.

3. I kind of wanted to see how big the web would get. Would it eventually cover my car?

4. It was rather calming to watch the spider work when I was stuck in traffic. Sometimes I would talk to it. I guess I was really talking to myself but it made me feel a little less crazy to be talking to a spider.

5. Sometimes when we were stopped at a traffic light, the spider would think we were stopped for good. So spidey would come out and start working on the web, but then we’d start going again, and the spider would have to hang for dear life to a strand of the web as it struggled to get back to the refuge of the mirror. I found this endlessly entertaining.

6. I couldn’t help but hope that this was the beginning of some fantastic children’s story, along the lines of “Charlotte’s Web” of course, and the spider was about to do something truly magical or save my life by spinning out the word “Stop!” before some reckless driver hit me.

7. I’ve been going to yoga class lately at this place where one of the teachers makes a big deal about carrying bugs outside instead of killing them when they get into the studio. How could I make eye contact with her if I recklessly killed a spider? I’m not saying I’m going to go out of my way to carry bugs in my apartment outside but at the very least that spider wasn’t in my way.

8. The spider tactfully kept the web from obstructing the view from my side mirror.

I guess those are the main reasons. But today I went up to get my car serviced at Toyota of Atlanta (which by the by, is nowhere in the vicinity of Atlanta) and some serviceman took it upon himself to destroy the web, and I’m guessing, the spider. The serviceman also took it upon himself to change my seat (I understand scooting it back so you can get your legs in there to drive, pal, but let’s leave my lumbar alignment alone), my radio station (don’t listen to the radio when you’re fixing my car!) and I even think he changed the settings that affect how much noise comes out of each of the speakers (see the previous parentheses! Those settings are hard to get just right!)

So for these crimes I’m at least hoping that my spider put up a really good fight and bit the serviceman. I also wouldn’t mind if the spider worked up the stamina to go into the waiting room to bite all the cashiers, who did not call my name when my car was ready, forcing me to sit there for a lot longer than I needed to. But I guess it was okay. I was entertained by this woman sitting near me who was calling all these people who work for her. The woman’s job I guess is arranging the in-store demonstrations that you see in grocery stores sometimes. So she’d call up a person to see if they could do a demo, and then she’d rattle off the store number (i.e. Publix 548) like it meant something, and then if the person hadn’t heard of it, she’d give them step-by-step directions from their home. I found that part a little creepy but I guess she tries to schedule workers to stores very close to their homes…maybe she pays their mileage or something. She’d also try to explain a little bit about what product they’d be showcasing, which is how I learned that there’s some gum coming out that’s supposed to curb a person’s appetite. Neither the woman nor I think it will work.

Every time she called a different person (and bear in mind I was there for quite a long time), the woman would explain that she was sorry that there hadn’t been many jobs lately, but that they were about to head into the busy demonstration season, which I guess coincides with school starting. So get ready! The in-store demonstrations are coming!

I’m sad, because I think my spider would have really enjoyed listening to me talk about them.

honk

So, I spent three years in Seattle, the home of passive-aggressive driving, where it's somehow okay to drive 45 mph on the interstate, it's bizarrely thought that bikes can go as fast as cars, and drivers routinely speed up and slow down when they know people are trying to get in their lane. Now I live in Atlanta, where it's okay to honk if you don't like the song that's playing on your radio. I mean, there is a fair amount of honking. At first, I couldn't overcome my Seattle driving shyness, so I would just say "honk" to myself, or say, "that was a honker!" if I thought the offense was grievous enough. But now I am really coming into my own and using the horn a little more.

The problem with honking is it's so imprecise. People are so dumb that they may not even know why you are honking at them, and then they will never learn their lesson. I prefer more direct, concise communication. So I think we should redo car horns so that they convey the messages below, perhaps through actual words, or perhaps through different series of notes that are universally accepted to mean things such as these:

--I don't mind that you are slowing down and turning, because that is a part of driving, but put a blinker on, dumbass.

--I do mind that you are slowing down and turning, because you are slowing down too far in distance from the point at which you are actually turning.

-- I do mind that you are slowing down and turning, because you are taking that turn way too slow. I mean, a wheelchair could beat you on that turn.

--If you're going to switch lanes, please do it quickly and efficiently.

--I see no reason why you can't be going faster!

--Stop creeping over into my lane; it makes me nervous!

--I think your cell phone is impairing your ability to drive.

--I think the dog that you insist on putting in your lap is impairing your ability to drive.

--Do you notice how everyone is passing you on the right? That is because the left lane is for faster people.

--Driving with earphones is irresponsible and illegal.

--You know that parking space was mine, asshole.

--It's a really awful thing to zip by a line of cars waiting patiently for something (a left hand turn, interstate access) and then expect us to let you in.

--I am just letting one person into the flow of traffic right now, buddy. Stop trying to edge your way in.

--A warning horn to tell people that if I let you into traffic, you better move fast so that we both make it through the upcoming light. If you make it through the upcoming light and I don't, face the wrath of an angrier horn.

--Don't litter, jackass.

I will probably add more as time goes on.

Now I realize that these are quite time-consuming to put out into the world, but I think it's necessary. I also know that personally, my reflexes are such that while my brain is saying "honk," my hand may not be getting to the horn fast enough. So of course, having multiple horns that mean different things will just be impossible. What I hope we can do is rig this horn system so that the horn can just tell by the sweat on my palms or the pressure of my hand exactly what horn I need. What I am saying, in conclusion, is that I need a horn system that reads my mind and then conveys my thoughts to any offending drivers in my path. I don't think that's so much to ask for.