honk

So, I spent three years in Seattle, the home of passive-aggressive driving, where it's somehow okay to drive 45 mph on the interstate, it's bizarrely thought that bikes can go as fast as cars, and drivers routinely speed up and slow down when they know people are trying to get in their lane. Now I live in Atlanta, where it's okay to honk if you don't like the song that's playing on your radio. I mean, there is a fair amount of honking. At first, I couldn't overcome my Seattle driving shyness, so I would just say "honk" to myself, or say, "that was a honker!" if I thought the offense was grievous enough. But now I am really coming into my own and using the horn a little more.

The problem with honking is it's so imprecise. People are so dumb that they may not even know why you are honking at them, and then they will never learn their lesson. I prefer more direct, concise communication. So I think we should redo car horns so that they convey the messages below, perhaps through actual words, or perhaps through different series of notes that are universally accepted to mean things such as these:

--I don't mind that you are slowing down and turning, because that is a part of driving, but put a blinker on, dumbass.

--I do mind that you are slowing down and turning, because you are slowing down too far in distance from the point at which you are actually turning.

-- I do mind that you are slowing down and turning, because you are taking that turn way too slow. I mean, a wheelchair could beat you on that turn.

--If you're going to switch lanes, please do it quickly and efficiently.

--I see no reason why you can't be going faster!

--Stop creeping over into my lane; it makes me nervous!

--I think your cell phone is impairing your ability to drive.

--I think the dog that you insist on putting in your lap is impairing your ability to drive.

--Do you notice how everyone is passing you on the right? That is because the left lane is for faster people.

--Driving with earphones is irresponsible and illegal.

--You know that parking space was mine, asshole.

--It's a really awful thing to zip by a line of cars waiting patiently for something (a left hand turn, interstate access) and then expect us to let you in.

--I am just letting one person into the flow of traffic right now, buddy. Stop trying to edge your way in.

--A warning horn to tell people that if I let you into traffic, you better move fast so that we both make it through the upcoming light. If you make it through the upcoming light and I don't, face the wrath of an angrier horn.

--Don't litter, jackass.

I will probably add more as time goes on.

Now I realize that these are quite time-consuming to put out into the world, but I think it's necessary. I also know that personally, my reflexes are such that while my brain is saying "honk," my hand may not be getting to the horn fast enough. So of course, having multiple horns that mean different things will just be impossible. What I hope we can do is rig this horn system so that the horn can just tell by the sweat on my palms or the pressure of my hand exactly what horn I need. What I am saying, in conclusion, is that I need a horn system that reads my mind and then conveys my thoughts to any offending drivers in my path. I don't think that's so much to ask for.