It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

I have been at my new job two months now. Things are going good, except for a few occupational hazards that I thought I’d share with you now:

--Ink. My office has these nice fountain pens, where the ink comes out all wet and professional looking. Big girl pens, I guess you could call them. Well, not a day of work has gone by where I haven’t come home with ink all over me or my clothing. It’s like that stuff just wants to cover every surface it comes in contact with, because it’s not like I’m not careful with the pens. No matter what I do, I’m getting some on me. This could lead to the threat of ink poisoning.

Well, never mind. I just did some research on ink poisoning and apparently it doesn’t exist. Ink is only bad if you swallow a lot of it. But still. All this ink is hazardous to my clothes and to my general outward appearance. I don’t want people thinking that I’m unkempt.

--The second occupational hazard I face is laziness. Not work-related laziness, because I’m working hard as ever, but bathroom laziness. See, the entire bathroom at the office is automated. The toilet flushes itself. You put your hands under the sink and the water comes out. You wave your hands and get a paper towel. Normally, I hate this system, because inevitably the toilet flushes too soon or not at all, the water doesn’t really allow for a proper handwashing, and the towel is never the appropriate size. But here’s the kicker. I have become reliant on this level of automation in my restroom. When I go to other public restrooms, I just assume they’re automated. On more than one occasion, I have forgotten to turn a sink off because I think it’s going to turn itself off. And other people look at me weird and turn them off for me. That is embarrassing! We’re in a drought! I can’t be forgetting to turn off faucets!

--Aspartame. My office has ten bazillion kinds of soda. I have started calling it the freezer of death, because sugar’s bad for you right? Well, I am starting to think that I have developed some sort of intolerance for aspartame as well. That’s right, glorious aspartame, the life force that gives us diet soda. I don’t want to tell you what symptoms I had to Google to figure out I am getting too sensitive to aspartame, but well, let’s just say I feel much better the days I don’t drink it. But I still want to! But it gives you brain cancer! I’m so conflicted!

--The next occupational hazard is perhaps the most important. I am starting to think I have either arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome. Basically I sit at a computer and type all day and I probably don’t do it ergonomically correctly. So there are days where my hands get very tired and sore, to kind of bad degrees, actually. I mean, now that the health insurance has kicked in, I gotta get it checked out. Especially because I have identified a whole host of other diseases that I might have as a result of hand pain, thanks to Google. What if I have Lyme disease, people? What if there are ticks in the office? That would deserve a completely separate bullet point if my hands weren’t getting tired.

--If I am not typing, then I am usually reading, which is the last occupational hazard I’ll mention. It’s a very real threat, because when I read at a desk (as opposed to on a couch or in bed), then I cup my chin in my hand. Lately that is leading to a lot of breakouts in the chin region. I am trying to keep my hands off my face but then I can’t find a comfortable position. Also, reading and comprehending things in a short timeframe, which I must do, has been known to lead to head explosion.

So these are my occupational hazards. I know they’re not the worst in the world. It’s not like I’m fighting monkeys or handling garbage. But still. I have to live every day with the threat of chin zits and head explosion.