21 questions about ceiling fans

I have interviewed my dad. I have interviewed my mom. I have interviewed my brother William. If you're seeking insight into what my immediate family is like, there's only one more source of information, and that is my brother George. I think most everyone who reads this blog is pretty familiar with George, either because you are related to him or because he's a regular presence on this blog, providing guest entries and funny comments to name but a few of his contributions. On Easter weekend, the time had come to get his side of the story. The family, including George's wife, Courtney, gathered around to watch the interview take place, a decision that both George and I would come to regret, because a certain member of our family decided to keep interrupting. Get your own blog, Dad.

The only ground rule for the interview was a request by George that none of the questions deal with ceiling fans, since George had spent approximately 27 hours that weekend trying to hang a new ceiling fan, and it still didn't work completely (the lights wouldn't come one).

Molly: George, you have a birthday coming up. What was your most memorable birthday?
George: Probably my 21st birthday.
Dad: Great, none of us were there.
George: We went to Pk’s Pizza for some barbeque chicken pizza. Then we went out and had pitchers of beer at Hokie House. I came back and opened presents from our parents, including a fifth of Captain Morgan’s, an Anthony Kiedis book, and a picture of Sigmund Freud.

Molly: What is your fondest memory of me?
George: When I came down to Atlanta when I was 16 and I stayed in your freshman dorm for the weekend. You took me a bar and we drank underage (Editor’s note: What? I have no memory of such criminal behavior). You took me to the cafeteria at Emory and you told me to get multiple drinks so I wouldn’t have to get up for refills. So I told everyone to do that in college. Then I left early to go to an Outkast concert even though our parents told me not to.

Molly: What’s the number one thing you learned from Dad?
George: When someone says, “Looking good, Billy Ray,” you say, “Feeling good, Lewis.”
(At this point, Dad gets upset that his greatest accomplishment as a father was to teach us a line from the movie “Trading Places.” “I thought I would have taught you something meaningful, like honesty,” Dad said. I reminded Dad that he actually taught George more about lying because George used to be told to pretend he was younger that he really was, in order to get reduced admission prices for attractions like amusement parks and presidential libraries)

Molly: What’s the number one thing you learned from Mom?
George: Always to say thank you.

Molly: What’s the number one thing you learned from William?
George: You gotta get g’d up from the feet up to get d’d up.

Molly: Who is your favorite historical figure and why?
George: Thomas Jefferson, because he taught me I could create my own Bible.
Dad: Plus he created a great university that you could never understand.
George: No, I’ll say Sigmund Freud. He was interesting.

Molly: If you could have a dinner party with three people, alive or dead, who would you invite?
George: I couldn’t get more than three people to come? Well, I’d want to invite one more. I’d invite all of my grandparents, so they could tell me funny stories about my parents.
Dad interjects again to say that this is a waste, because George already met his grandmothers and he should invite other people.
Molly (trying to get the interview back on track) What would you serve at this dinner party?
George: I would serve Kink soufflé. (Editor’s note: Kink soufflé is a mix of ham, cheese and bread deliciousness that we always ate at my grandmother’s when we had dinner over there.
Dad: Well my parents won’t like that, because they’re more meat and potato people.

Molly: What skill that you don’t have would you most like to learn?
George: Honesty.

Molly: George, you’ve offered me tons of job interview advice, since you do so many job interviews for your job. So I have a very stereotypical job interview question for you: What is your biggest weakness?
George: Sometimes I forget to hydrate before I go to bed after a night of drinking.
Courtney: That’s it?? What about peeing in the refrigerator? (Editor’s note: One time George got drunk and peed in the refrigerator.)

Molly: If you weren’t in your current job, what would you want to do?
George: I would own a bar or a record store or be a rock musician. My bar would be [redacted].
(Editor’s note: When George revealed the name of his bar, I suggested that maybe he shouldn’t reveal it on such a public forum as this blog, because it’s an excellent idea and I don’t want anyone stealing the concept. So I said that I would put “redacted” and then Dad and William got on my case and told me that redacted was a stupid word.)

Molly: How would you describe your alma mater, Virginia Tech, to an alien?
William: Here we go with the fucking aliens again.
George: I would say that Virginia Tech is a place you go after high school, which is after middle school, which is after elementary school, and schools are places where you learn a lot of stuff.
Molly: Well, the aliens are familiar with the concept of higher education. What they want to know is how Virginia Tech is different from other institutions.
George: It’s the best.
William: I like how you’re short with the aliens. We don’t need them to have too much information.

Molly: How were you most warped by your family?
George: I’ve inherited (deep breath) an incurable fixation to collect lots of things without throwing much away, in combination with some very weird body hair.

Molly: Describe your perfect day.
George: Hmmm, well it could have been today (Editor’s note: that day, George had gone to breakfast with dad and dad’s friends, then gone to the flea market, then to Chick-fil, then ran some errands, then dinner with the family). On my perfect day, I would get up pretty early but fully rested. Take a shower. Have breakfast and read the paper. Coffee. Probably go to a CD store, then have lunch at Chick-fil-a with the family. A little DG (editor’s note: Disc Golf) with my brother, where I’d hit another hole-in-one. Key word there is ANOTHER because I’ve already hit one. Then a nice little dinner...meat, potatoes, a cigar. Then going out. Just getting g’d up from the feet up to get d’d up. Then I’d go to sleep well-hydrated.

(Editor’s note: Then things took a horribly disturbing turn when my dad pointed out that George hadn’t had sex on his perfect day. Then my youngest brother and my father had a conversation about sex that remains fairly traumatizing to me, while I try to point out that sex is not really something I discuss on the blog and that I don’t really need that level of detail on the perfect day scenario. Just even thinking about that moment again has me in a weird mood.)

Molly: Um, to get this interview back on track, George, if you could go back in time for one week, what period of history would you go to and why?
Dad (interrupting): Uncle Bill and I would go back to the week of Jesus’ crucifixion, so we could see how it all went down. (Then Dad and I have a discussion on the nature of faith, and whether that’s something you need to see to believe it happened)
George: I would go back in time one week and have this interview at a time where Dad wasn’t around, so he couldn’t keep interrupting.

Molly: What is something that would surprise everyone in this room, including Courtney?
George: (thinks for a long time) Hard to say. I’m pretty much an open book.
Molly: Okay, what about an interesting fact for my blog readers?
George: Uh, I can’t think of anything.
Molly: Well, since you have no secrets, how about you just give some advice to my blog readers.
George: I would say leave comments on the blog posts.
Molly: Why do you think comments are so important?
George: I don’t know, I think it provides affirmation of what you like and what you don’t like.
Molly: But what if the blog writer tries not to care about what gets comments and what doesn’t?
George: The readers should know that comments are sometimes better than the blog itself (I made a face at that part). And the blog writer should learn not to be so selfish and demanding and controlling.

Molly: If you could be a character in any movie or television show, who would you be?
George: Jerry Seinfeld. He had a big New York City apartment and always had a lot of girls, he was just a real funny guy.
William: But his neighbors were always causing shenanigans.
George: Well, he just lived his life.
Dad: Something was always wrong with those girls. He was never happy with them.

Molly: Where in the world would you most like to live?
George: New England – Portland, Maine. It would just be fun.

Molly: Alright, so since this was alluded to earlier in the evening, I’d like to ask you to describe me as a driver.
George: Molly as a driver is a complex thing. Molly has two speeds: breaking really fast or speeding full throttle. And don’t touch the radio. There are very quick movements, so I can’t drive with Molly when I’m hungover. There are very quick turns at 90 degree angles. Kinda scary. It’s like being in a Third World country driving with a taxi cab, but with no smells, but with her music. You’re at her mercy. I’ve been in a few accidents with Molly, though none were ever her fault. Even though one of them was just backing up into a wall. (Editor’s note: At this point my hand was very tired and sore so I stopped writing things down. I think I got it all. Pretty sure.)

Molly: What do you remember most about your childhood?
George: Playing outside, wrestling, not being able to talk, riding my bike. Not in that order.
(Editor’s note: Then Dad reminded everyone about how George used to love nails. He would take scrap wood and nail it all together. Dad got a lot of flat tires that year)

Molly: Okay, if you woke up and there was $1000 from the tooth fairy at the bottom of your bed, and you only had one day to spend it, what would you do?
George: Well, first I would secure it so that Bailey doesn’t eat it (editor’s note: Bailey is one of George and Courtney’s dogs). I’d give some to Dad because I have some outstanding loans. Then I’d go to the mall and shop. Get some CD’s, some books, some clothes….might buy Courtney something. I’d buy her a green cardigan or a green sweater or a green shirt, because green is her color of the year. Green ring, green necklace, green hair dye. Then, I’d take everyone out to dinner somewhere nice, like Frankie Bones.
William: I’d give it to charity.

Molly: Final question: What do you think the world will be like in 2050?
George: Well, Dad will be 100 years old, so I’ll probably be driving him to Chick-fil-a on Saturdays, or he’ll be the old man who works there who gives out the mints. No, wait. There will be a Chick-fil-a in Candler. There will be green environmental hybrid cars, but I hope in 50 years I don’t have to drive to South Asheville for a Chick-fil-a sandwich. Is that too much to expect?? Barack Obama will be…[Dad interrupted at that point to say that Barack Obama will be in jail for crimes against the country]…Barack Obama will have been pardoned by then. Hopefully I will have a laser gun so I could steal the Highway 311 signs that are located in Winston-Salem. I won’t have to put ceiling fans up anymore.

Also, Hokies will win all championships, and Appalachian will be Division I. Beer will come out of the tap. Fridges will have sensors so that if urinals pop out if someone tries to pee. There will be a Jimmy John’s in Asheville. There will be no more hangovers – we’ll have cured that by then. I Wiggle It Just A Little Bit will be in its 43rd year. There will probably be some little George II’s running around, hammering stuff and trying to talk. Well, maybe we’ll have fixed the talking thing by then, too. It’s gonna be pretty fun. Also, there will be grown-up sized Big Wheels.