there's a lot of thoughts up here

Hello darling blog readers. Tomorrow I'm leaving for a brief vacation, which means I'll be away from the blog for a few days. Now, of course, it probably seems like I've been away from the blog forever, but I will return with many anecdotes for the blog, I am sure.

But on the plus side, I'm leaving you with an absolute epic blog entry. It's an interview with my youngest brother William. This is the kind of entry that will keep a person busy for days. William, aged 21, is a student at Appalachian State University. He told me recently that he was going to start a blog called "I Wiggle It Just a Little Bit More."

When asked to describe William, my mom said, "tall, lanky and full of self-confidence. You never know if he will have a beard or no beard, short hair, long hair, no hair. But he will always have jeans and boots." Let's learn about Mom's little "precious precious" straight from the man himself, via 21 questions that I asked him.

Molly: William, what is your earliest memory of me?
William: Are all these questions going to pertain to you? Hmm. I don't have a very good memory. Probably playing school in George's room and hating every minute of it. I mean, playing the "Head of the Class" board game and hating every minute of it. I'd be stuck in kindergarten and you'd be valedictorian.

Molly: What was your favorite vacation?
William: What was the vacation where I got dropped on my head? Cincinnati? Don't put that. [At this point, Mom lists off all the vacations we've ever taken] Don't put Disney World because I got in trouble for pulling Mom to the ground and skinning her knee. I'd say the beach, with the anticipation of George and Dad arriving after a baseball tournament. [While I write all this down, Dad asks if William has something on his nose. He does not]

Molly: What's your most disgusting habit?
William: Hocking loogies.

Molly: What's your best habit?
William: Making people feel awesome.

Molly: Give me an example of making a person feeling awesome, using me as your subject?
William: Ooh. Ouch. Ummm....Can I change my best habit?
Molly: You'd rather change your best habit than make me feel awesome?
[everyone in the room laughs]
William: Maybe my best habit should be making people laugh, which makes you feel awesome.

Molly: Where do you see yourself a year from now?
William: Hopefully working for my cousin, making big bucks.

Molly: If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
William: I'd probably stay right here. The beach, I guess. Actually, my own island. I don't want people throwing their beer cans on my island. If it's messy, I made it that way. You can buy weekends there for a million dollars a weekend, though. Non-inclusive. I just provide the plot of land.

Molly: What was it like being the only child, after George and I left home?
William: I got very spoiled. No, not really. It was fun.
Mom: (interjecting) William would wake us up every night when he came in and put us to bed. We worried after he left who would wake us up and put us to bed.

Molly: William, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being very successful, and 1 being not very successful at all, how successful would you say we are at sharing a bathroom?
William: Ten! We share our bathroom well. I don't really bitch about anything you do. You keep it pretty clean. When my sink gets stopped up, I just move over and use yours. Now, you may not see the situation as good as I do.

Molly: Tell us about your relationship with your cell phone? [Author's note: William is never without his cell phone. He must talk on it 3/4 of the day]
William: It's my lifeline to the world. Am I addicted? No, I think other people are addicted to using it to get to me. I'm in high demand.

Molly: Tell us what your perfect day would be.
William: Getting up with no sleepies in my eyes, getting the perfect amount of sleep. Not groggy. Breakfast of eggs, sausage, english muffin, water. A little "Morning Joe." Shower...no, dooker first then shower. Surf the web. Play disc golf. Eat at a barbeque establishment. Maybe a beer. A drive on the parkway. A football game -- college only. For dinner: steak, baked potato, salad, glass of milk. Then just laying on the couch with a fire going. And I want my bed already made up, so that it's ready for me to get into. And a movie.

Molly: What's your going out style?
William: I like to get g-ed up from the feet up to get d-ed up. Sometimes I like to stand in front of the mirror. Did you ever see "Teen Wolf?" Where he goes, "She's right, you are an animal!" I do that in front of the mirror. "Teen Wolf" is one of my top 5 movies of all time. I was gonna be Teen Wolf for Halloween one year.

Molly: What's your best pick-up line?
William: I don't need pick-up lines. I just learned this, though: "All those curves, and me with no brakes."

[There's a pause as I write this down]

William: You know, I don't know if my perfect day would include only one dooker after that much food.
Dad: It's your perfect day, William. You can have as many dookers as you want.
William: But I feel so good after a dooker.
[This part, in which my family debates how many times you should take a shit on your perfect day, continues for awhile]

Molly: Okay, William, space aliens have landed and want to see the best of North Carolina. Where do you take them?
William: Well, first I'd compose myself after the initial freakout of being put in charge of this. I mean, why do I have to show the aliens around? I guess I'd take them to my school, Appalachian State University, to get t-shirts. I would not bring them here, because I do not trust them. I'd probably take them to the Appalachian Trail and leave them. I don't really want to be hanging out with these aliens.

Molly: Alright, so now let's say that you have a friend visit North Carolina for the first time. Where would you take that person? That's what I'm trying to get at.
William: I guess Asheville. Look, I don't want to have to drive from Boone to the f'in beach to show these people around.
Molly: Okay, just Asheville then. Where would you take them?
William: In Asheville...the Biltmore Estate. The Grove Park Inn and the piano bar. A Tourist game, given the proper season. We'd check out the bill at the Civic Center, see if anything's playing. Go on the Urban Trail, cause that will explain a lot that I don't have to. I'd take them to my church so they could see the glory of it. I'd take them to Barley's, the upstairs portion. There's nothing else I really like about Asheville. We can walk by the drum circle, but I don't want to stay very long. We'd have a mojito and be done with the tour of Asheville. And I'd take them to one overlook on the parkway but just one. And they could buy an Asheville sticker.

Molly: Tell us a good memory that involves your brother George.
William: All of them.
Molly: Anything particularly hilarious or touching?
William: Well, we just had a pretty good laugh about aliens. Actually, maybe the Hammock Olympics. We had this old wrestling championship belt, and to win it, we took turns running down the hill into the gully. At the bottom of the hill, the other one of us was lying in the hammock GRIPPED TIGHT. The goal was to get the other one out of the hammock. One time George got hurt bad, so we stopped. I still have that belt. It had flames on it that we got from clip art.

Molly: If you could be awesome at one sport, what would it be and why?
William: Baseball. First baseman. I've played first base the entirety of my career. And I want to be a good hitter. RBI king, home run king, I want to be batting a thousand, like I did for the Greenscape Dodgers when I was little. 34 at bats, 34 hits.
George: So you want to be you at 5?

Molly: If someone wanted advice about why they should go to Appalachian State, what would you tell them?
William: I don't think I should be influencing people like that. They have to make choices for themselves.
Molly: Well, what would you tell them about why you like App?
William: Look, you have to bait the hook to suit the fish. If someone's into mountains and snowboarding, then go to App. If they're into big cities and bars, they should go elsewhere. Boone's beautiful, App's beautiful. I like the fact that I recognize people on a daily basis. It's small enough to see people, even if you don't know them. I'm on a first name basis with all my teachers. It's a beautiful place to go to school. But don't rent from the Winkler Organization if you choose to rent an apartment off campus.

Molly: If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
William: Invest it. Well, I'd go a little crazy at first, then I'd invest it. No, here's what I'd do. I'd buy a Toyota Tacoma, 4-door, extended long cab. Then I'd invest it.

Molly: William, do you have any advice for my readers?
William: I don't think readers need advice on reading. I don't think I can advise a reader on what they should read or how they should interpret it. Read and enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, fuck it. Maybe you'll be inspired to write something better. If you like it, leave an encouraging comment for my sister so she has confidence to write bigger and better things. And I advise you to read about me, and if you have questions, leave them with Molly.

Molly: Last question. What are 3 things that scare you more than aliens?
Mom: Commitment?
William: Yeah, commitment, in certain situations. Also, sketchy people, and I think you all know who I'm talking about. Thugs. I was held down by a thug. Also, college. I'm not the best student. Like, if you took oral tests, I would do better than just writing a test. But I'm almost done with college. Maybe I'm scared of that. I'm scared of Dad, when I'm overdrawn on my account, or when I've used too many cell phone minutes, or when I've sent too many texts, or when I haven't mowed enough grass or done all the recycling. Actually, I seek approval too much. I'm scared of making the wrong decision, too.
George: So basically you're scared of thugs, Dad and yourself?
William: Yeah, I guess so.

[Molly's note: It should be noted that I chose to end the interview here, because William seemed to be done, and because my hand was tired. But 10 minutes later, William was still talking about his innermost fears. As he put it, "there's a lot of thoughts up here!"]