happy birthday, tiki

My dad doesn't text me very often, by which I mean, I don't think he's ever texted me until today. But today I got three texts from him. The first two were about my brother William, who had shoulder surgery today. Dad sent me a message that he was doing fine and then he sent a picture of my little brother recovering in his hospital gown. So those, obviously, were important. It was good to know how my brother was doing.

Then came the third text message of the day:

"Don't 4get 2day is tiki's birthday."

I should probably note, for the sake of accuracy, that the message didn't have any apostrophes in it, because I am guessing that dad might not know how to access the punctuation marks on this phone. But still, this message was a bit perplexing. As I noted, he wouldn't have texted me unless it was important, and clearly anything having to do with Tiki the cat is very very important to my dad.

That's right, Tiki is a cat, I shall note for people who may not read this blog with much consistency. This is the cat that has a picture on my dad's entertainment stand…right next to the pictures of his kids. This is the cat that hisses and scratches at me if I even so much as try to touch her. May 14 is a birthday that my dad made up for her based on an estimate given to him by the veterinarian.

So even though Tiki and I don't really get along (and that is all your fault, Tiki, because I am nothing but loving toward you), and even though it is only your fake birthday and not necessarily your real birthday, I shall offer you three pieces of advice as a gift on this day.

Piece of advice #1: Don't waste your time with Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry, Tiki. Even if you love both Diet Dr. Pepper AND Cherry Coke, as I do, you will not find the combination anything special. Or, at least I didn't. You just have to accept that these are drinks that are meant to be enjoyed separately, and the combination of them does not result in some sort of super drink.

Piece of advice #2: Never ever leave a kitchen cabinet open. I am sure Dad has told you this numerous times, Tiki, because he told all of his kids this numerous times when we were growing up. Do you know what happens if you leave a kitchen cabinet open? You poke your eye out and end up with a glass eye like one of his teachers! So never ever do it, Tiki! Because you will hear the anecdote about the glass eye and it will creep you out, which is unfortunate because if you are in the kitchen, it's probably because you just ate something, or you are about to, and no one needs to hear about glass eyes in those circumstances.

Piece of advice #3: Tiki, if you're ever on a talk show, make sure you wait until they cut to commercial before standing up. If you stand up before they cut to commercial, the host freaks out, even though everyone knows that you have to leave sometime in the next few minutes anyways. For some reason, talk show hosts still insist that you remain seated until they go to commercial. I think it's because they want the audience to think they are friends with their guests and also that they have good hygiene habits.

Well, that's about it. I did just call my dad, and he said that he taught himself to text during William's surgery. He only remembered it was Tiki's birthday because she is the picture on his cell phone. He was worried that her morning schedule was all thrown off because of William's surgery, but I'm sure she'll survive. Happy birthday Tiki! Hope they give both you and William a Skinny Cow tonight.