images of america

As I mentioned in my last post, I went dishwasher shopping with my parents this past weekend. When we were walking up to Home Depot, on the day before the 4th of July, I was very struck by this image:
I think this picture encapsulates the American Dream, which to me, clearly, is flag + tractor. Actually, it's about owning a home with a yard that requires a tractor, and a trip to a nice American-owned business like Home Depot means you have the financial security to acquire such an item. Or something like that. I didn't have a lot of time to think about it, because taking pictures in a parking lot is quite a dangerous thing to do.

What other images of America did I capture over the holiday weekend? Well, here is a picture of a grill with all sorts of meat on it, along with some spiced pierogies:

What, you think that the grilled meat could be made more American by the addition of a beer, some french fries and a little ketchup? Me, too:

And last but not least, here is a kitten playing a video game:

You may notice that even though this is a post full of images of America, there is only one American flag. Well, that is because everyone in Candler, NC was violating the flag code, which I read up on as preparation for the 4th. You have to take your flags down at night if they're not properly illuminated, people!

important life lessons

Well, I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that it was tough to go back to work today, after a nice, long, holiday weekend. I spent my 4th of July in Candler with the family. Though our activities mostly involved eating, I was still able to learn lots of things on my trip home. I decided to blog about all the things I learned, each day. Here we go.

Thursday: In which I drive from Atlanta to Candler, eat at Mellow Mushroom with my brothers and go to a Jenny Lewis concert with my brother George.

I learned that…..
….Atlanta traffic is not that bad if you get to leave work at 1 p.m.
…..Ronde the cat is still impossibly cute
…..Tiki the cat is still rather grumpy when I am around
…..my brother William is starting to look and act eerily like my father.
…..waitresses who show up for their Mellow Mushroom shift directly after “gardening” are often too spacey to be very effective in serving.
…..the Mellow Mushroom in Asheville was out of nearly every local beer.
…..my brother William has some frightening sort of mojo or reverse psychology that can make me agree to eating Hawaiian pizza when I really want to eat White Pizza.
…….it’s better to just compromise and order two pizzas, particularly if one of the pizzas is a White pizza.
….short people who are pissy about having to stand behind taller people at a concert should get to the concert earlier
....the Heartless Bastards are a good opening band, and the lead singer of that band looks like a Muppet.
….a new stylish look, as worn by Jenny Lewis, is a cut-up white t-shirt with a black bra underneath.
….Tecate is a tasty beer suitable for performers, as evidenced by Jenny Lewis’s enthusiasm for it.
…..Jenny Lewis posters are nigh-impossible to get, as they sold out just before I was able to buy one for my brother, and none of the staff members were willing to get the one out of the locked marquee for us.

Friday: I ate coffee cake, cold cuts and chicken, went shopping with my parents and sat on the porch.
I learned that……
….Sara Lee coffee cake is delicious
…..I might be allergic to Ronde the kitten
….shopping for dishwashers is difficult
….dishwasher salesmen might be creepier than car salesmen
….trying on hats at antique stores is fun
….if Hardee’s is out of lids for their medium-sized cups, they will upgrade you to a large.
…..a large soda at Hardee’s is way more soda than any person has a right to drink
…..sitting out on the porch, in weather that was at least ten degrees cooler than Atlanta, is delightful.
….Ronde can climb trees
……my mom used to win roller-skating competitions and win a giant Hershey’s bar for her efforts
….if you let the boys cook, they will come up with something delicious, thus meaning that they should always cook while the ladies sip drinks on the proch
…3 adults can easily polish off 3 bottles of wine.

Saturday: A day to celebrate America by eating and watching things.
I learned that….
…..Tecate is more delicious than I remembered. Thanks for the tip, Jenny Lewis.
…..pierogies with spicy seasoning cooked on the grill are delicious
….how to make ribs from my brother’s father-in-law. Sorta.
…the renovated movie theater on Hendersonville road is awesome, because it has all these big comfy couches and footrests.
…The Hangover is an immensely funny movie
…..when you hear a rustling in trees near the house, it’s best to assume that it’s a bear.
…fireworks that emit a loud boom without also emitting any beautiful sparkles are awful fireworks and should not even be sold.
…..there was much I did not know about our nation’s first sixteen presidents, thanks to the History Channel’s marathon of “The Presidents.”
….the History Channel thinks that Jimmy Carter succeeded Abraham Lincoln in the presidency, if the way they ordered the episodes of “The Presidents” is any indication.
….I get too tired to stay up til 4 a.m. to watch the entirety of any television marathon, even if it is about the presidents.

Sunday: I ate some things, read some stuff, and drove back to Atlanta.
I learned that….
…..my mom can make a mean breakfast sandwich
….the show “Rome Reports” is a must if you like popes, and if you get that channel about Catholics, which my parents do.
….reading “Infinite Jest” while your parents watch the Wimbledon finals is kind of weird.
…ribs are delicious
…..it’s best to shower after you eat ribs
….though you may be expecting heavy traffic on the last day of a holiday weekend, it won’t come in the spots that you expect.

recollections of reading: the early years

To kick off this, the last day of Children’s Book Week, I decided to read the two children’s books that I have in my apartment right now: “Barack” by Jonah Winter, illustrated by A.G. Ford and “Barack Obama: Son of Promise, Child of Hope,” written by Nikki Grimes and illustrated by Bryan Collier. These books were Christmas presents from my brother and sister-in-law. I read them when I got them, and I take them down pretty regularly to look at the pictures, because the pictures in both books are beautiful. But reading them again this morning got me thinking about children’s books I loved when I was little.

One of my very first memories is from when I was 2 or 3. This was before we moved into the house that we live in now, and my new baby brother George and I had to share a room. I remember begging, just begging, to be able to go into the room where George was sleeping so I could get some books. I remember being bored and just thinking I would die if I couldn’t get in there and get some books. But Mom would not let me go in, even though I really didn’t understand what the problem was, because I was sure that I would be super quiet and not wake the baby.

Still, despite Mom’s refusal to let me get books on that day, she rarely ever refused me a book again. She took us to the library all the time. I can still distinctly remember one of the librarians we frequently saw, who had this long red hair that looked kinda gross, perhaps because this particular lady always seemed to have a cold and your books always seemed in eminent danger of getting sneezed on. Still, I loved to go to the library, particularly when summer reading programs would start up.

Well, to be honest, of course I loved any reading program, particularly Accelerated Reader when that came along. Back in my day, kids, the reading list was just two legal-sized sheets, back and front. I’ve seen the list you guys have now and all I can tell you is that if there had been that many points up for grabs when I was a kid, you all would have been TOAST. As it was, I did set an Accelerated Reader record at the elementary school, which was only crushed once kids got that supersized list of books they could choose from. There was also the Book-it program, where for reading books you could slips for a personal pan pizza at Pizza Hut, and also a sticker for a button. Dad thought Pizza Hut was dirty so we never got our buttons completed.

But again, I am not trying to bring up old grievances against my parents by telling you these horror stories of not being allowed to go into the baby’s room or not being allowed to go to Pizza Hut, because my parents have always been very supportive of my book habit. Mom would let me order copiously from book orders and book fairs (and oh, I can remember the excitement that occurred when a new book order form arrived from the teacher), and Dad retrieved the dozens of boxes full of books that I mailed to him from Seattle when I was moving. They even tolerated me reading at inappropriate events, such as an Easter service and football games. They were somewhat less tolerant of the bag of books I needed to take everywhere, which was alluded to in a previous post about Children’s Book Week. What happened is that I got convinced the house would burn down, and I didn’t want to be without books for however long it would take us to get some money to get more books. I was also pretty convinced that I would finish whatever book I was reading before I could get back home again, and I wanted to be sure I had something new to start. And by something new to start, I mean, at least 25 options for something to start.

So what did I read? I remember reading Rainbow Brite books a lot when I was small. I had two, and one was green and one was purple. I liked Berenstain Bears books, and I also liked this book called “We Help Mommy,” because I wanted to believe I was the kind of sweet girl who helped her mommy, even though when push came to shove I didn’t like the getting down and dirty that sometimes accompanied helping out. I think “The Monster at the End of this Book” is an extremely important book that everyone should own.

But that’s all I really remember of straight-up picture books. Very early on I considered it vital that I be allowed into the big kids’ section of the library. I heard later that everyone doubted that I actually read the books, but starting in the first grade I could check out a book a day from the non-picture book section. I liked these books…I don’t know what brand they were or anything, but they were biographies of famous people that focused pretty much exclusively on their childhoods. Like, you would read 180 pages of what Ben Franklin or Juliette Gordon Low were like as children, and then there would be one chapter tacked on the end about how they grew up and became famous. The books were very distinctive looking, but I have no idea who put them out. I wish I knew. I’d like to work for those people.

Along those historical lines, I loved the American Girls books, of course; though, not to sound like an old woman, but back in my day there were only three American Girls (Kirsten, Samantha and Molly) and there were not emporiums where you could go and pick out clothes and dolls – there was a catalogue that came quarterly and that was it. Oh, Molly the American Girl, I can still picture you at your kitchen table refusing to eat your vegetables, and your mom saying you couldn’t leave the table until you ate them, but still you sat there. So stubborn and plucky!

What else? Like most kids, I loved E.B. White, Roald Dahl, Encyclopedia Brown and Beverly Clearly, particularly anything with Ramona in the title. I loved the “Little House” series as much as I loved the television show. I read my way through God knows how many Babysitter’s Club books, including the spin-off titles like Babysitter’s Little Sister and the Summer Super Specials. I was even a member of the fan club for awhile, which was fun because you got cool stuff in the mail, but somewhat sad because a good portion of the mail was about starting your own babysitters’ club, and I just couldn’t get one together. I read Nancy Drew, Anne of Green Gables, and Judy Blume (“Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret” when totally over my head because I read it when I was far too young but I adored “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing”).

“Bridge to Terabithia” was the first book that made me cry, and also the first book that slightly scandalized me because there was a “dammit” or something like that in the first few pages. I refuse to see any movie that is based on that book. I liked Avi. I liked Louis Sachar’s “Sideways Stories from Wayside School” and still occasionally find myself referencing some of the stories in conversations. I took a Super Saturday class on the Chronicles of Narnia, and debated with people about whether it was better to read the books in chronological order or in the order that they came numbered in the box set. One year the church did a Lenten program on “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe,” so they showed a bit of the cartoon movie each Wednesday night. One of my best memories of my grandmother Kink is when she got up to do a recap of the previous week’s episode, and she told that story better than C.S. Lewis himself.

Pretty early on I did start heading for slightly more adult fare, like Mary Higgins Clark and Agatha Christie. But I still go through phases when I read a lot of kids’ books. Particularly when I lived in Seattle—that’s when I read most of the Newbery and Caldecott medal books, just for the hell of it, cause I was unemployed and had lots of time to sit in bookstores and libraries. That’s when I devoured the Lemony Snicket books and where I read the last half of the Harry Potter series.

I think those are the majority of my children’ book-related memories, and you gotta admit, those are some pretty great memories. So that’s why a week like Children’s Book Week is so important. I hope kids read more and don’t just play on the internet or watch the television, though I do think there’s enough time in childhood to do those things too. Well, actually I don’t know about the internet thing, we didn’t have that til I was in high school. But I think in honor of Children’s Book Week we should all go read something right NOW, and if you have kids, make them read something too. Sometimes I worry that if I have kids that don’t like to read, I won’t know how to relate to them, but that’s an anxiety to discuss on another day. For now, let’s all go read.

One Evening... (prompt 7 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Seven: “One Evening…” Begun by Lemony Snicket and completed Molly.

This is the sort of story you should never read at night, because it is full of things that are frightening to think about when it is dark, such as hungry wolf, a bottle of poison, and a locked box with a terrible secret inside. However, the story is not at all frightening at the beginning, when a young girl named Roweena is living in a small cottage in the middle of the forest with two lumberjacks who are both named Tim. One evening, when Tim, Tim and Roweena were all having dinner, there was a knock on the door, but before anyone could answer it,...

Roweena’s cell phone rang.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hey, it’s Molly!”

“Oh, Molly, I might have to call you back, we just had a knock on the door.”

“No! Don’t answer it!”

“Why?”

“Because if you answer that door, then you will begin a story that involves a hungry wolf, a bottle of poison, and a locked box with a terrible secret inside!”

“Oh my! Well, that does make sense. After all, we are in a story that was begun by acclaimed author Lemony Snicket.”

“True enough, and though I am a fan of Mr. Snicket’s work, I must demand that you not open that door, because I am finishing the story, and I am frankly just too tired to think of a scenario that includes a hungry wolf, a bottle of poison, and a locked box with a terrible secret inside!”

“You’re terribly lazy, Molly!”

“True enough. Fine, Roweena, if you want to open the door, do it.”

“Then I will, you lazy horrible writer.”

Roweena opened the door where she was greeted by a hungry wolf holding a locked box with a terrible secret inside. Luckily, Roweena had the key for the box right around her neck. She opened the box and was greeted by a note. It said, “You just drank poison, Roweena.”

“What a horrible secret!” Roweena exclaimed before she died. “Turns out that bottle of Diet Coke was actually a bottle of poison!”

Once Roweena had expired, the hungry wolf sat down at Roweena’s place and ate her meal. Tim and Tim vowed never to doubt Molly or call her lazy again.

One Morning... (prompt 6 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Six: “One Morning…” Begun by Mary Pope Osborne and completed by Molly

“I’m cold,” said Annie, sitting on the front porch.

“Me, too,” said Jack, shivering. “Let’s go inside.”

“Wait! Look!” said Annie. “Over there!”

“It’s a store that sells coats!” exclaimed Jack. “How did we never notice this before?”

Annie and Jack went over to the store that sold coats (Burlington Coat Factory) and they each purchased a jacket. Then, they were very warm. They went back to sit on the porch, and they managed to sit there for months until one morning…

“I’m hot,” said Annie, sitting on the front porch.

“Me too,” said Jack, sweating. “Let’s go inside.”

“Wait! Look!” said Annie. “Over there!”

“It’s a swimming pool!” exclaimed Jack. “How did we never notice this before?”

Annie and Jack went over to the swimming pool, but then they had to return to Burlington Coat Factory to buy swimsuits. Once they were properly attired, they went back to the swimming pool and jumped in. They cooled off immediately. They swam for hours and hours until they turned into prunes. They got out of the pool and sat in a deck chair.

“Hey Annie?”

“Yes, Jack?”

“Maybe we should spend more time exploring instead of sitting on our porch all the time. As it turns out, we live in a pretty interesting neighborhood, what with this Burlington Coat Factory and this swimming pool.”

“You’re right, Jack. We need to experience life!”

That night Annie and Jack robbed a convenience store and were sent to jail, which they found pretty similar to sitting on the porch, so it worked out well for them.

The Secret I Can't Actually Tell People Yet! (prompt 5 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Five: “The Secret I Can’t Actually Tell People Yet!” begun by Barbara Park and completed by Molly

Dear first-grade journal,
I’VE GOT A SECRET!
I’VE GOT A SECRET!
Only Mother and Daddy said I can’t actually tell people yet!
But a journal is not even people! And so I am just going to write it in these pages. And that’s all!
Last night, ….

I got to hang out with the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus! It’s because Daddy kidnapped them, and that is part of why I am not supposed to tell anybody. Mother says Daddy is mentally disturbed and that’s why she gave everyone two scoops of ice cream instead of just one. She cried when Miley Cyrus said that she was going to make sure that we went to jail for a long time, and she kept crying because Miley Cyrus just kept talking. Mother has told me before that she finds Miley Cyrus’s voice very annoying!

Miley got mad when I asked how to do the “Achy Breaky Heart” dance that her father is so famous for, but the Jonas Brothers don’t get mad about anything! So far we have played ping-pong, air hockey, and four games on the Wii! I don’t think they even know that they’ve been kidnapped. They just keep asking what exactly it is that Daddy does for Disney. They are always talking to cameras that are not even there and they always ask what time they have to perform. I found one of them in the bathroom with Mother’s flat iron.

Daddy hasn’t done very much since he brought Miley and the Jonases home. He kind of curled up in a ball on the couch for awhile, and then he asked me to bring him my High School Musical DVD’s. He smashed them, but I don’t mind. I’m going to have Miley and the Jonas Brothers act out High School Musical for me everyday! I also have some big plans involving a remake of the Wizard of Oz. Miley will play Dorothy, and the Jonas Brothers will be the scarecrow, tin man, and lion. It is going to be the most awesome thing ever and I am going to be the only one who sees it because this is a big secret! No one but me can know who we’ve got in our basement! Don’t tell, Journal!

Obviously, everyone at school is pretty concerned, and I hear the bigger kids talking about all the rumors that are floating around on the Internet. Some people think that Miley and the Jonas Brothers moved to Utah and all got married to each other, and now they are living out some polygamous lifestyle, whatever that means! Other kids are saying that they faked their own deaths and are out living on an island with Tupac, who is going to teach them how to release posthumous albums, whatever that means.

And the last crazy thing I heard was that some security guard grabbed them at their last concert and is going to sell them on the black market China so that he can pay his mortgage. I don’t mind telling you, Journal, that that rumor hit a little close to home because I know we are having trouble paying our mortgage in the middle of this recession. However, Daddy doesn’t even work as a security guard, because he doesn’t work at all, so I know it can’t be true!

Anyways, after school today I am hoping we can all play some Uno! Hooray for secrets!

Tutu is a Funny Name for a Guy (prompt 4 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Four: “Tutu Is A Funny Nickname for A Guy” begun by Eoin Colfer and completed by Molly

“Tutu is a funny nickname for a guy,” said Gerry Green Socks, picking his teeth with a chicken’s foot.

“That it is,” agreed Jimmy Tutu mildly, laying back on a sack of grain and rubbing his full stomach.

Gerry consulted his encyclopedic brain. “The only tutu I got is a ballet dancer’s costume. You know, like a bodice and a skirt thing.”

“That’s the one,” said Jimmy Tutu, knowing he was going to have to tell the story for perhaps the thousandth time, wishing Gerry would allow him ten minutes to digest his meal and knowing he wouldn’t.

“So, you gonna tell me,” pushed Gerry, wiggling threatening fingers over his laces. “Or do I have to take my boots off.”

Jimmy sat bolt upright, forgetting all about his digestion. “Hey, no, don’t take them off. I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you.”

Gerry backed his hands away from the boots as though they were loaded, which in a way they were.

Jimmy sighed. “You gotta picture it. Fifty years ago. Europe has collapsed. China invents the timewarp train, and a ten year old plasma thief gets chased into a Broadway theatre…”

“What’s timewarp?” asked Gerry.

“It’s a thing from the future, which is where I’m from, beeyotch!” Jimmy stood up, pulled out his gun and killed Gerry. “Oh, by the way, they call me Jimmy Tutu because it’s a good distracting name for luring in my enemies, catching them off-guard, and killing them. Aren’t you glad you know now?

And with that, Gerry heaved his last breath. Jimmy Tutu set off for the future, where he had a lovely lady waiting for him.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Molly's note: Sorry, this prompt didn’t really do anything for me. It made my brain hurt. I’m not even sure I understood it.

Surprise on the Mat (prompt 3 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Three: “Surprise on the Mat” begun by Lola Schaefer and completed by Molly

Crocker never wanted to be on the wrestling team. He really didn’t.

But here he was – on the mat, not ready at all for his first match.

He turned to face his opponent.

“It can’t be,” he said under his breath.

But it was.

Crocker was going to have to fight Macho Man Randy Savage.

You see, tough times had fallen on Macho Man Randy Savage ever since the Slim Jim money ran out, and since he couldn’t get a regular television wrestling gig anymore, he had started taking small paydays to face high school wrestlers. Schools were willing to pay because it got more people to come to wrestling matches.

“Crap,” Crocker whispered under his breath as Macho Man Randy Savage ran around the ring in his fringed jacket, yelling “Oooooh yeah!” Crocker had thought the strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” that he had heard earlier were just band practice. But no, it was Macho Man entering the gym. Now Crocker was going to get his ass kicked by a former childhood hero.

“I’m gonna go Mickey Rourke on your ass,” Macho Man said.

“Please don’t, Macho Man,” Crocker pleaded. Macho Man hit him in the gut.

The referee stepped in. “High school wrestling, Mr. Savage,” he said.

“Sorry, ref,” Macho Man said, before getting Crocker in a headlock that was no less painful than being hit in the gut.

“Please don’t hurt me, Macho Man,” Crocker gasped. “You were my favorite wrestler growing up.”

Macho Man loosened his grip a little bit. “Really?” he asked. “You liked me better than Hulk Hogan?”

“Of course,” Crocker said. “I was with you through your feuds with Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man. I was with you even when you replaced Miss Elizabeth with Sensational Sherri and became the evil Macho King. I watched Hulk Hogan defeat you in the career match at Wrestlemania VII, and then I shed a few tears as Miss Elizabeth came and rescued you from Sensational Sherri.”

“Did you know that both Miss Elizabeth and Sensational Sherri are dead now?” asked Macho Man.

“Yes, I did, Macho Man, and don’t think I didn’t let the occasion pass without shedding a few tears. I’ll still never forget how you married Miss Elizabeth in the ring at SummerSlam, only to have the wedding reception crashed by that bastard, Jake the Snake.”

By this point, the Macho Man had completely released his grip on Crocker. The baffled referee asked, “Are we going to wrestle today, gentlemen?”

“No,” said Macho Man. “This kid is playing the Evan Rachel Wood part in the movie that is my life which would be called ‘The Wrestler’ if that title had not just been taken. So I am going to take him out for some ice cream and some thrift store clothes.”

And that is how Crocker avoided getting his ass kicked by Macho Man Randy Savage.

The Unexpected Blast (prompt 2 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Two: “The Unexpected Blast” begun by Elaine Landau and completed by Molly

It all started the summer we visited our uncle in South America. The volcano near the village where we were staying was supposed to be inactive, yet lately steam had been leaking from it. My little brother and I were near the foot of the volcano the morning it began to shake. Suddenly, its north side collapsed. Clouds of rock and ash shot into the air. Lava and mudflows now blocked our path back to our uncle’s cabin. My little brother was crying, and I knew I had to think fast. So I……

…immediately started searching for someone we could sacrifice to the volcano. Clearly, the volcano gods were angry, and I had to appease them with live flesh. My crybaby little brother seemed like a good option, but I had a feeling that my family wouldn’t forgive me and since I was only nine I really couldn’t stand to lose their financial support at this point in my life.

So if I couldn’t sacrifice my brother, who could I sacrifice? Tom Hanks was nowhere to be seen, though I allowed myself a few seconds to chuckle at such a clever joke, even though at the age of 9 I really shouldn’t have been seeing a movie such as “Joe Versus the Volcano,” and may I note that the person writing this story really shouldn’t have wasted valuable writing time looking up the rating of “Joe Versus the Volcano” on Netflix? As it turns out the movie was only rated PG, so maybe there was a chance that a 9-year-old could have seen it. But I digress.

“Who can we sacrifice?” I asked my little brother. “I must get out of this adventure so I can see the new Tom Hanks movie! Because it takes place at the Vatican and you know how I love popes!” At this moment in my life, with lava and mudflows running toward me, I was starting to wonder why Tom Hanks was completely consuming my life. After all, I was only 9, and here I was having numerous thoughts about the work of Tom Hanks. If I died in this horrific volcano accident, there was a good chance I’d miss the inevitable “Forrest Gump” sequel I’m convinced he’ll make if he gets desperate enough!

Shit, time was running out and now all I can think about is Tom Hanks’ moving performance in “Philadelphia!” And how great he was in “A League of their Own!” I try to channel Tom Hanks circa 1995, which was when “Apollo 13” came out, because in that movie TH was confronted with a life-threatening situation just like this one! Except the difference between me and Tom Hanks is that in that film, Tom Hanks was working with a script based on a book by astronaut Jim Lovell, and I am working with a writer who seems more interested in updating her Netflix queue than in getting me out of this mess in her allotted 15 minutes of writing time.

In the end, I sacrificed my brother to the volcano gods, mainly because time was up and I didn’t want to die without seeing “The Great Buck Howard,” featuring both Tom Hanks and his son Colin Hanks, which is coming to DVD in the near future.

And then... (prompt 1 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt One: “And Then….” Begun by National Ambassador Jon Scieszka and completed by Molly.

The guy at the pet store said he was pretty sure it was a Green Basilisk Lizard egg. But man, was he wrong. He could not have been more wrong. Now the newspaper wants to know what happened to my little brother, that nice old lady down the street, the left side of Washington Elementary School, and the three jets, two helicopters, four tanks, and 36,000 gallons of Marshmallow Fluff. They will probably cover up the true story. But here’s what really happened….

When this alleged “Green Basilisk Lizard egg” hatched, it hatched not my long-awaited Green Basilisk Lizard but in fact a little army of sea monkeys. It was freaky to see that many sea monkeys emerge from the egg, it was sort of like a clown car, in fact. But I had no idea how freaky it was about to get, because as soon as all the little sea monkeys were out of the egg, they started lining up in formations that spelled out words. Here is what they said:

“No more Mr. Nice Sea Monkeys…We are here to destroy your planet….First, though, we are hungry. Would you mind getting us 36,000 gallons of Marshmallow Fluff?”

That took about 20 minutes to spell out because they are so tiny. At this point, I was pretty hungry too, and now that they mentioned it, I could really go for some Marshmallow Fluff, so we headed down to the corner market and started going to town on every single thing of Marshmallow Fluff we could find, which was quite a lot actually, because I live in a town that manufactures Marshmallow Fluff. My little brother came along and started eating Marshmallow Fluff also, but it turns out he’s a diabetic so he really shouldn’t have been doing that. He died.

Another person who died while me and the sea monkeys ate Marshmallow Fluff was that “nice” old lady down the street, who tried to prevent us from eating any more Marshmallow Fluff. I was pretty hopped up on sugar by that point so I killed her with my bare hands. After eating so much Marshmallow Fluff, the sea monkeys were gigantic! They decided they wanted to steal three jets, two helicopters and four tanks from the local army base, and who was I to stop them? A sad little boy who had just watched his brother die from eating too much Marshmallow Fluff. Plus, I was still covered in all that little old lady’s blood.

The sea monkeys went off to steal their equipment from the military, and I was left to my own devices, which for awhile just consisted of eating chocolate and graham crackers in an effort to make smores in my stomach. Then I started feeling kind of gross so I went over to Washington Elementary School and threw up all over the left side of it. I mean, all over. I think I was throwing up things I ate last Tuesday.

So no matter how the newspaper, which is just a mouthpiece for fat cat conservatives, decides how they want to spin this story of what happened to my little brother, that nice old lady down the street, the left side of Washington Elementary School, and the three jets, two helicopters, four tanks and 36,000 gallons of Marshmallow Fluff, just remember this: never buy a Green Basilisk Lizard egg from the local pet store. Not that you’ll have much of a chance. From what I hear, the sea monkey army went after all the local pet stores first.

we are in the midst of a holiday!!

Guys! Did you know that we are smack dab in the middle of Children’s Book Week??!!? Well, we are, and even though we are getting a late start, we are going to celebrate this monumental occasion on the blog. To get us started, here are some fun facts about Children’s Book Week!

--It is being observed from May 11 to May 17 this year. In 2010 it will be celebrated from May 10 to May 16 and in 2011 it will be from May 2 to May 8!

--It has been celebrated since 1919!

--Every year they announce the Children’s Choice Book Awards Winners! This year that Twilight book won in the teen category; it was the only winning book I had heard of.

--The anchor sponsors are Toys for Tots and Amazon!!!

If you go to the Children’s Book Week website then you can learn tons of other awesome facts very similar to the ones above. You can also download the official 2009 Children’s Book Week bookmark and poster, but frankly, those things didn’t really do it for me. Didn’t have quite the pizzazz Children’s Book Week deserves. That’s why I took it upon myself to design three new posters:

More fun to come!!! We’re going to have the best 3 ½ day celebration of Children’s Book Week possible!!!

President's Day

Lately I've been wishing I could be Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted presidential scholar. But I would like to be Doris Kearns Goodwin without all the years of study. I just want to be an expert on something without all the work, okay?

Naturally, I've been thinking about Doris Kearns Goodwin today, today being President's Day. And of course, I have been thinking about presidents. Perhaps you have seen in the news where there was a new ranking of the best and worst presidents. The survey was done by CSPAN, and here were the results:

The Top 10 Presidents are: Lincoln, Washington, FDR, T. Roosevelt, Truman, JFK, Jefferson, Eisenhower, Wilson, Reagan.

The Bottom 10 Presidents are: Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, Pierce, William Henry Harrison, Harding, Millard Fillmore, George W. Bush, Tyler, Hoover and Hayes.

These presidents were judged by noted historians and scholars on leadership characteristics that included public persuasion, crisis leadership, economic management, moral authority, international relations, administrative skills, relations with Congress, vision/setting an agenda, pursued equal justice for all, performance within context of times.

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say BORING. Sure, moral authority and administrative skills are important. But are they the MOST important things? I think not. That's why I set about today to establish the best and worst presidents by more interesting criteria.

Since CSPAN used 10 characteristics, I picked 10 also. I went with:
1. Attractiveness: Because, let's admit it, we judge people on their looks.

2. Coolness of Name: Maybe this category was selected to help my man Abraham Lincoln, maybe it wasn't.

3. First Lady: Was she awesome? Or was she lame? I judged this based on looks and by skimming her bio.

4. Quantity of Fun Facts Discerned by Skimming Wikipedia Biography: Like I said, I want to be Doris Kearns Goodwin, but I don't have all day. I need to get in quick and leave with sparking cocktail conversation without doing a lot of heavy lifting.

5. Interesting Experiences Before the White House: Were you a door-to-door salesman? Cause I find that infinitely more interesting than 10 terms as a senator.

6. Scandals: Was this president interesting in a juicy, tabloidy sort of way?

7. End of life/Legacy/Things Named After Him: This was probably the most arbitrary category. If the Wikipedia bio said specifically that a president was well-regarded or poorly regarded, I took that into account. But I also took into account if a president had interesting last words, a fascinating death of story, or an abundance of things named after him.

8. Interesting Pictures on Wikipedia Page: What can I learn just by looking at pictures? Quantity and quality were important here.

9. Would we elect this guy today?: This category took into account how this president might be perceived in today's world. For example, would we elect a guy in a wheelchair? Why do we still crave military men? If the president stumbled into office without an election by means of succession, and then never won an election, he fared poorly in this category.

10. Wikipedia citations: This, to me, was meant to be a measure of how much interest there was in a particular person. It would both measure a level of obsession (i.e., a Wikipedia stalker spending time citing every single sentence on an obscure president) as well as a level of scholarship, as the number of sources would indicate that there were many things worth studying about this person.

Each category was worth 0-10 points, except for Wikipedia citations, in which I took the number of Wikipedia citations and added it to the rest of the score. This quickly proved to be troublesome. First, the obvious reason--modern figures are much more likely to be cited obsessively, cited every day when they do something. Also, I was surprised by how this category damaged Lincoln (only 83 citations) yet aided someone like Benjamin Harrison (112 citations!). George W. Bush is the president with the most Wikipedia citations, with 311, and Barack Obama, who's barely even done anything as president yet, has 215.

So clearly, counting Wikipedia citations is an extremely flawed ways of going about things. It results in a list like this:

Top 10 Best Presidents
1. George W. Bush
2. Ronald Reagan
3. Barack Obama
4. Grover Cleveland
5. Richard Nixon
6. Harry S. Truman
7. Bill Clinton
8. Teddy Roosevelt
9. Calvin Coolidge
10. FDR

Top 10 Worst Presidents
1. Warren G. Harding
2. Martin Van Buren
3. Zachary Taylor
4. James Buchanan
5. Rutherford B. Hayes
6. James Monroe
7. John Quincy Adams
8. Millard Fillmore
9. William McKinley
10. Andrew Johson

Look, I don't have to be Doris Kearns Goodwin to know that these results are serious flawed. So then I re-did the lists, taking out the Wikipedia citations, and these are my official results:

Top 10 Best Presidents:
1. Abraham Lincoln
2. Teddy Roosevelt
3. Ulysses S. Grant
4. JFK
5. Woodrow Wilson
6. Harry S. Truman
7. (3-way tie) George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, FDR
8. Ronald Reagan
9. (tie) James Garfield, Barack Obama
10. (tie) Grover Cleveland, Eisenhower

Top 10 Worst Presidents
1. Warren G. Harding
2. Benjamin Harrison
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Andrew Johnson
5. (tie) John Adams, Calvin Coolidge
6. Zachary Taylor
7. John Quincy Adams
8. James Madison
9. James K. Polk
10. Millard Fillmore

And here are some notes I took during the process that might help explain some of my thought processes:
--Jefferson was a president hindered by not having a cool first lady, but he was immensely helped by the scandal of Sally Hemmings!

--John Quincy Adams did nothing for me, looks-wise. But he had an interesting death story! According to Wikipedia, when the House was debating whether to honor Army officers who served in the Mexican-American War, Adams shouted "NO!!" at the same time that everyone else yelled "AYE" and then he collapsed. His last words are reported to have been, "This is the last of Earth. I am content."

--John Tyler totally got off easy with the way he slipped that second wife into the White House!

--Zachary Taylor may have been poisoned!

--Millard Fillmore's last words were "the nourishment is palatable," after being fed some soup. The adorableness of that was not enough to help him out of the other holes presented by his Wikipedia bio.

--James Buchanan may have been gay! He was def. hurt by not having a first lady, and also, you know, by not stopping the Civil War.

--Tommy Lee Jones should totally play Andrew Johnson in a movie!

--Ulysses S. Grant: attractive, blessed with a cool name, and a good first lady. he wouldn't even let her get surgery to correct her crossed eyes, because he found it too sexy the way it was.

--About the only interesting thing people could say about Benjamin Harrison's wife was that she "was the first First Lady to be born in October."

--McKinley has shockingly few Wikipedia citations, leading me to believe that this could be my niche, should I really try to pursue this Doris Kearns Goodwin thing.

--New favorite First Lady: Florence Harding: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Kling_Harding. There's a new bio coming out next month! But her interesting backstory cannot make up for his other faults, so he kept ending up on the worst lists.

--There are surprisingly few photographs of JFK on his Wikipedia page. For such a handsome president, that really should be addressed.

--I know Barack Obama really hasn't done anything yet. But what can I say? He is good looking, has an interesting name, an awesome First Lady, an intensely enjoyable Wikipedia page, and we'd obviously elect him in this modern age. Those were the categories, after all. Let's hope I am prescient.

a chicken and egg scenario

A sad fact of the universe is that the marketplace forces us to think about holidays far earlier than we are ready to think about them. Before all the Fourth of July fireworks have gone off, then the stores will be decorated for Halloween. Or they might go straight to Thanksgiving. Without a doubt, Christmas will last for several months, and as soon as that’s over, then it’s Valentine’s Day. I mean, I can’t even have a proper President’s Day party without having to think ahead to my Veteran’s Day party!

Well, most of the time I am a grumbling goose about how early the holidays are celebrated in certain retail stores. But I finally found something that is to my benefit…the Cadbury Creme Eggs are already out! Easter is not for three more months! I don’t remember them ever being out so early before. I guess I could have missed them in years past. But there is no missing them now. They are everywhere. The Cadbury Chicken has been pumping them out in overdrive.

Cadbury Creme Eggs are one of my very favorite candies. It probably helps that they are seasonal, and only come out at Easter, because if you think about it, it is fairly gross to eat something that is chocolate on the outside but that tries to mock an egg on the inside.

Here is how to properly eat a Cadbury egg: First, say a little Easter prayer that you will not get an egg with a sticky wrapper. Those are the worst. Hold the egg longways, like you do when you’re trying to get an egg to stand on end on the summer solstice. Then, unwrap just the top of the egg, much like how you should unwrap just the top of a burrito, and not the whole thing. Take a bite of the top of the egg. Then suck out all the egg-like frosting that you can. Then, another bite of chocolate. Then repeat. Now, sometimes when you eat a burrito, you try to get those perfect bites that have a little bit of everything—some cheese, some guac, some salsa and meat. Don’t try to do that here. Keep the bites of chocolate and cream separate.

There you go. Apparently eating a Cadbury egg is kind of like eating a burrito.

I feel like this should go without saying, but bring me no imitations of the original. No Cadbury Caramel egg or the like. You will just be insulting my intelligence if you do this. And Cadbury mini-eggs…I’m not quite convinced that those things are not just stale M&M’s.

Anyways, consider this blog a public service announcement: If you love Cadbury eggs and wait for their arrival every year, then they are in stores now! Perhaps it’s crass commercialism, or perhaps they’ve arrived early so that people who give up chocolate for Lent can enjoy a few. Because once Easter is over, those bad buys are gone. Risen like the Lord, I guess.

seasonal centerpieces, part two

A few weeks ago, I wrote on the subject of seasonal centerpieces. My mom is a real genius at creating seasonal centerpieces, and I wish I had taken more photographs of the seasonal centerpieces and decorations we had at Christmas. Even the piano had something beautiful on it.

Well, as I wrote in that last entry, I had been sorta wondering about what I was supposed to do after Christmas. Surely it was too early to get my spring decorations out, and too tacky to leave my Christmas centerpiece up, no matter how much I might love it.

Of course, though, Mom has thought of everything, and I got my new centerpiece for Christmas, and it is today's Picture of the Day:

Mom's idea for the new centerpiece was the giant cocktail glass with glassy stones inside. But she also gave me this shoe full of raspberry mixer to be added to cocktails, and I figured I would throw it into the centerpiece mix. It's kind of a "Sex and the City" centerpiece when you add the shoe, but I think it conjures New Year's Eve and parties very well, and I hope to take that party spirit with me all the way into 2009. Until I drink the raspberry mixer, at which point I'll just go back to Mom's original design.

I'd just like to say, there's something about the lighting around that table that doesn't capture color right. I thought my Christmas tree looked much duller in pictures than it was in real life, and so too does that shoe. It's very bright. Oh well.

In case no one figured this out, Picture of the Day was a way to rack up 31 entries in this last blockbuster month of blogging. It probably won't be a daily feature in 2009, but I will post pictures more often. Picture of the Week maybe. Though I should have the goal of posting daily in 2009, the idea of trying to take 365 interesting pictures thoroughly exhausts me. And we can't have that!

20 questions with my mom

Everyone got a lot of insight into my dad when I interviewed him on his birthday. But what of the other person who molded me? On the morning of December 28, I decided to interview my mom. I approached her as she was doing the Sunday morning crossword on the couch.

Molly: Mom, do you think I will realize my goal of writing 200 blog entries, and if so, do you have any ideas for things I can blog about?
Mom: You will definitely reach your goal, because when you set your mind to something, you will get it done. They may not be the most interesting blogs but you will have 200. Now as to what you can blog about, I'd say Christmas decorations, because there are plenty to take pictures of here. You could blog about after-Christmas shopping--are there really bargains? And that poor girl who gave us her gift card that she got for Christmas for not even at face value at Dress Barn yesterday. That was weird. Why aren't there Dress Barns everywhere? Why do we have rain and no snow? And the Midwest has so much snow that they're flooding. And this would be good (at this point, Mom digs out a section of the newspaper). Read this article about this woman who paints designer shoes. It says just wear fancy shoes and no one will notice your wrinkles.
Molly: Okay, my next question…
Mom: You don't want any more blog ideas?
Molly: Well, I have to get through 20 questions. And it sounds like you mostly think my blog lacks weather-related content.
Mom: Well, I check the weather in all cities I've been to. Did you see there was snow in Las Vegas? Did you ever imagine it could snow there when we were there? People always talk about going to New York at Christmas to see all the lights, but what about Las Vegas? There are lots of pretty lights there.

Molly: Speaking of Christmas, tell us about this Christmas.
Mom: I tell you what, it was hard to get ready for it. I was not a happy person. There were lots of decorations to do and meals to plan. And every year, my little family says that it's okay if the decorations don't get done and that they're happy just to have pizza. But when it's all done, it's worth it. We had a pretty big Christmas, since Dad did so much shopping. Maybe he was overcompensating for my lack of Christmas spirit. But there was no recession in this house. I was most excited about the doughboys.

Molly: What was your most memorable Christmas?
Mom: Probably the one where I got a dollhouse. I had asked for a dollhouse, but when I couldn't find it, I got upset. It turns out they had put it on the sun porch, and we never went onto the sun porch. Kink was in the middle of cooking something and had to stop to show me where the doll house was. Then there was one Christmas, I was in 6th grade, my then-boyfriend made a big deal of giving me a present. It was wrapped up all red and white with sparkles. It was big and heavy, and my family gave me a hard time about it. I started to get nervous so I opened it up when no one was around. It was just a pencil resting on a big block of wood, because I always borrowed his pencil in class. I was so embarrassed, because what was I going to tell my family? It was a joke, and I thought it was going to be a very thoughtful, I care about you present. But everyone was nice about it.

Molly: Which of your childhood traditions have you carried forward to our Christmases?
Mom: Opening stockings first then having a sit-down breakfast. Getting the kitchen clean before opening the presents under the tree, but that doesn't always happen. Opening the presents one at a time and going around the room. A big Christmas dinner was not one of my childhood traditions though because my father was always gone to services. We had a party that night when he got home with all the family and friends. We probably went somewhere else for lunch, like Lucy's.

Molly: What is your favorite Christmas tradition? Either a current one or one from when you were younger.
Mom: I like going to the Christmas Eve service. That's one from when I was younger and from now. I like drawing each other's stockings. We didn't do that when I was young because Mother did all the stockings. She wrapped all the stocking stuff too. I tried that one year but it was too much trouble

Molly: If you had a million dollars, what would you do?
Mom: Hmm. I'd divide it up and give it to my children, because what do I need it for? Then I would hope they'd give some of it to the poor and needy. Not all of it, because I want them to live a nice lifestyle, which will probably never happen in this economy.

Molly: If you had to be on any game show or reality show, which one would you be on and why?
Mom: Wheel of Fortune, because I like puzzles. But I don't like to watch that show because the people are such idiots. And I don't like reality shows, other than Dancing With the Stars, and I can't dance.

Molly: If you could have a guest star role on any television show, non-game show or reality show, which one would you be on and why?
Mom: Seinfeld, because it's about nothing. I don't want a speaking role. Maybe I could just do nothing in the background of the coffee shop. I'm too self-conscious to sit with them. I'd rather be on the outside looking in.

Molly: What did you think you would be when you grew up?
Mom: Well, all my friends wanted to be schoolteachers, but I knew that was not for me. I always wanted to grow up and be a mommy like my mommy. Stay home and not work, but I wasn't a good stay-at-home mommy because I don't cook and do domestic things. So I had to get a job.

Molly: What was most memorable to you about the day I was born?
Mom: Well, it was April Fool's Day. Since you were the first one, I wasn't sure what labor pains would be. So I wasn't sure I was in labor, but we went to the hospital anyway. We were halfway there when we remembered we hadn't turned the alarm clock off. This was at 3:30 or 4 in the morning and we didn't want to scare the cats. So we drove back home, and I don't know why I did this, but I insisted on going back in the house with dad to turn the alarm off. Then, there was no doubt that we needed to go to the hospital.

Then I remember thinking you were so beautiful. But you weren't. You had a big knot on your head and you were black and blue all over. You weren't really pretty but we thought you were the most beautiful thing we'd ever seen. Then you got the hiccups and we didn't know what to do. Dad ran down the hallway shouting, "my baby has the hiccups!" and the nurses just laughed.

Then we brought you home and it snowed--in April. Mother came and cooked meals and cleaned up and I played with you all day. I thought, this is so easy. She even got up with you in the middle of the night so I wasn't tired. Then she went home.

Molly: How did you pick the name Molly?
Mom: Well, the first criteria of the name was that you couldn't make a nickname out of it, because both Dad and I had names that were nicknames. We already had too many Elizabeth's, plus that had too many nicknames. Catharine was already taken, plus it could have nicknames. We had a book and we went through it. I remember Wendy and Molly were the options, but Dad says Wendy was never an option. Thomas was an option, but that's a nickname-y name. We were pretty sure we'd always have a George. But it was pretty well always decided that you were going to be Molly if you were a girl. We didn't know if you were going to be a boy or a girl until you were born, though.

Molly: What is your favorite food?
Mom: The potato. Because it can be fixed so many different and delicious ways.

Molly: What was your life like when you were my age?
Mom: How old are you? 26? Well, this was the first Christmas that I knew Dad. I was working at the bank as a secretary. He went to New Jersey for Christmas, and Mother and I drove to Sewanee for Christmas. Pete and Anna Cay were at seminary there and Mary Henry was a baby. I got an unfinished dollhouse. Then we came back and Dad went to Charlotte because he was still kind of dating someone there and had already planned to spend New Year's Eve with her. (Writer's note: My eyes were bulging out at this point. I had never heard of this) Then he came back on New Year's Day and told me things were over in Charlotte. He won't remember this, though. That's one of those things that girls remember and guys don't.

Molly: Man. Any other things like that you'd like me to record for posterity in my blog?
Mom: For at least the whole first year we dated, we only went out on one night of the weekend. Either Friday or Saturday. He'd call up on Wednesday and let me know which night it was going to be, and I made my plans accordingly. That was for at least a year but he'll deny that too. I knew things were serious when we went out on both weekend nights. Actually I knew it was really serious when he asked me to go to New Jersey for his first college reunion. It was really cute how he asked: "I'd really like you to go to my reunion but you'll have to pay for your own airfare. I'll pay for the reunion but you pay for airfare. Do you think you could do that?"

Molly: What was most memorable to you about your wedding day?
Mom: I had to wake up really early to wash and roll my hair, and then I sat under the hairdryer. As we were driving to the church we happened to pass Dad and his brother driving the car to the place we'd pick it up after the service. I thought everything was doomed because I wasn't supposed to see him before the ceremony. He didn't see me though.

Molly: What do you like most about being an empty-nester?
Mom: Not having to plan meals.

Molly: Where in the world would you most like to go?
Mom: I'd like to go to England and branch out to Europe from there.

Molly: Describe your ideal morning.
Mom: Sleep in til I wake up naturally. Get up and have the coffee already made. Sit and read the paper. Do the cryptoquote…no, the jumble first and then the cryptoquote. Then Sudoku and then the crossword. Then someone brings me breakfast.
Molly: You can do all that on an empty stomach?
Mom: Well, not without coffee. I would like eggs one morning, pancakes the next, then French toast. Then back to eggs. Fried one day, scrambled the next. You know, from 9th grade on, I had breakfast in bed every day. I had breakfast in bed on my wedding day actually. That was the last breakfast in bed I had.

Molly: I need one more question but I don't have any.
Mom: How about you ask me for new year's resolutions?
Molly: Okay. What are your new year's resolutions?
Mom: Well, I don't really ever tell people my resolutions because I don't keep them.
Molly: Then why did you suggest it as a question?!
Mom: Well, maybe if I put them in print somewhere I'll keep them. I'm going to try to be a better person. Stay in better moods and think more about other people.

Molly: Do you have any words of wisdom or a message for my readers?
Mom: Don’t believe anything you just read. It was 3 in the morning and I was drunk.

the bear's hanukkah

If you're a faithful reader of this blog, then you're probably familiar with my bear Barnabas. What may be surprising to you is that Barnabas is Jewish. That's right, I have been engaged in an inter-faith relationship. Since last night was the last night of Hanukkah, I figured today's Picture of the Day should be Barnabas with his holiday loot:
I will run down what Barnabas received:
--A copy of Paste magazine with Zooey Deschanel on the cover, because Barnabas has the biggest crush on her.
--A can of black beans, which is one of his favorite foods.
--A mini-bottle of Jose Cuervo, whom Barnabas likes to refer to as his "good amigo Jose" when he's had a few
--Frizz-ease (maintaining bear hair can be difficult)
--Drano (see above regarding bear hair)
--Socks with turtles on them
--The Ped Egg (Barnabas has had some feet issues lately)
--Q-tips
--A mini-stapler (he told me he has been pushing through lots of paperwork while I'm gone)

Also, he got some postage stamps but I forgot to put them in the picture.

And here is Barnabas wearing his socks, enjoying a drink, and reading his magazine:

As I briefly mentioned earlier, on Christmas day Barnabas got a new brother, Chester, which was a present from my brother William. I think I am starting to become the Angelina Jolie of bears. Anyways, I will be posting more about Chester as I learn about him. I don't think he is Jewish since he came on Christmas but sometimes life is funny that way.

another Tiki post

Well, here we are in the blog home stretch. 3 days, 15 entries. As I look back over my Christmas break, I do wish I had done a little bit more in terms of writing blogs or at least finish the book I am determined to finish before the New Year. Or maybe I should have done some work so that I could do those things because my work was all done. Not that I would do that or anything. Work time is for working, I would like to say, in the event that my boss ever finds this blog.

So what did I do on Christmas break instead? Well, there was a fair amount of eating. I worked on the puzzle, as discussed earlier. Christmas stuff that included opening presents and running errands and drinking. Played games. But one thing I did almost every day is play with Tiki, the cat.

I have written about Tiki in another Picture of the Day post, but here is an update. Previously, Tiki had let me pet her a bit, but that has stopped. Now, she either hates me or sees me as a playmate; I prefer to think it's the latter. We kind of wrestle, as much as small cats and big people can wrestle. It involves me trying to pin her down by her limbs or scratch her belly, and she tries to scratch me or bite me. It's not the fairest trade-off but it's fun. I guess Tiki thinks so too, because on Sunday morning, she came to where I was sitting, licked my big toe, and then got into wrestling position.

I also spent a good deal of time outside trying to find Tiki and get her back inside. Tiki just wants to explore outside, but that makes me nervous because we've lost cats to packs of wild dogs before, and on Christmas eve, a big dog killed seven of the neighbors' chickens. So I tried to protect Tiki, but Tiki has learned that there are certain places I can't get her, like under cars and in between bushes. So I had to chase her a lot.

Man, if I had written blogs instead of playing with Tiki, the blog would be done for the year by now. But look at today's Picture of the Day, of Tiki sitting under the Christmas tree like a little present, and perhaps you will see why she was just too hard to resist.


I don't know that we still need to put the Power Ranger on the tree, but we do:

And here is the whole tree:

a tip: do the border first

Well, Christmas break is almost over. Right now I’m sitting at my brother’s apartment, playing Yahtzee, blogging and waiting to eat some barbeque ALL AT THE SAME TIME. That is what I call multitasking, though my fellow Yahtzee players probably wish I was a little more focused on the game.

After lunch I will drive back to Atlanta. When I go, I will leave one major Christmas activity unfinished, and that is the holiday puzzle. Many Christmases, my family works a puzzle after we’re finished opening up presents. Then my dad shellacs all of the puzzles and frames them, and they form the majority of his law office decoration. Some of the puzzles that I can think of off the top of my head include a Presidents puzzle, a First Ladies puzzle, a Civil War puzzle, a Kennedy puzzle, a Lincoln puzzle and a United States puzzle.

Though Dad got a North Carolina puzzle and a Founding Fathers puzzle last Christmas, we took a bye year and didn’t do a puzzle. Which means I was only itching all the more to get a puzzle going this year. My dad got this puzzle from my mom on Christmas morning:

It’s a puzzle called “Grand Ol’ Gang” and it shows Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, T. Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan and Bush I and II playing poker with Abraham Lincoln. When Dad viewed the puzzle, he made humorous observations, such as Nixon was likely cheating and the reason George W. Bush didn’t have cards in his hand was that he didn’t understand how the game was played. Yet despite these witty remarks, Dad remains a Republican through-and-through. So this was a pretty good puzzle for him.

We have said this about many puzzles, but this puzzle is especially difficult. The pieces are very oddly shaped, but more specifically, many of the pieces are very dark. The clothes are dark, and most of the background is dark. The more I worked this puzzle, the creepier I found this darkness. The background looks fairly apocalyptic, moreso than the picture above may let on…and 8 of the men who might know how to fix it are in a bunker playing poker? It seems extremely inappropriate. To be fair, there is a companion puzzle to this one, featuring Democrats, and I will have to go back to check to see if the Democrats are similarly playing the fiddle as Rome burns. Methaphorically of course.

I probably only need another 90 minutes with that puzzle to finish it, but I’m leaving right after the barbeque. So today’s Picture of the Day is the puzzle in progress, with my main helper man William and little Tiki Monster looking on.

Between the time that I wrote the entry and the time I posted it, I played some Yahtzee. William was slightly offended at the description of "main helper man" and I'd like to amend my comments to point out that he spent several hours working on the puzzle by himself, during which time he put together at least two presidents. Sorry William. But even though Tiki is not here to defend herself, I don't think she'd find any fault with her description.

Church Christmas Pageant: A Review

My family goes to church on Christmas eve. For the past few years, we’ve gone to the late service which starts at 10 pm, but you have to get there an hour beforehand. It is a lovely service but there has been some concern recently that the start time is a little late for some more elderly family members who would like to get home and go to bed. So this year we decided to go to the earlier service, at 4 pm, which doubles as the children’s Christmas pageant.

Now, I have to explain to you about me and this church Christmas pageant. When I was a little kid, I just delighted in the Christmas pageant. How it worked was this: one of the older kids read the Christmas story, while the other older kids went through the church and asked kids if they’d like to play a part. Then the kid got dressed right then and there and ran up and took his or her place in the Nativity scene. Of course, every little girl’s dream is to play the Virgin Mary, but there are many other good parts for girls, including angels and lambs. And truth be told, in a pinch, I would have played a Wise Man or a shepherd. For the baby Jesus. To me, the fun was in the surprise of not knowing if you would get picked, and then experiencing the thrill of getting picked.

Well, apparently the powers-that-be decided to do away with that thrill, and assign parts. I heard one reason was that parents were upset that children they dragged to church Sunday after Sunday didn’t get choice roles, while children who were just Christmas/Easter people were showing up and getting good parts. To this I say bah humbug, because imagine if you only went to church twice a year, and then one day you show up and a person says, here why don’t you do something? That would get me a lot more interested in a church, and perhaps persuade me to get my parents to bring me back, then showing up once a year and watching other kids do something without me.

But for whatever reason, I was not consulted on the decision, and I vowed to forever boycott the soul-sucking scene that was a pre-arranged Nativity play. Now years and years had gone by, and I decided to keep an open mind about it at this 4 pm service. I also decided to review the pageant for you, my dear readers.

Though I was not issued a press pass beforehand, I entered the room where the children were being assembled because I know people. There, I was threatened by Debbie that I better give this pageant a good review because she reads the blog and she knows my mother. Luckily, my journalistic integrity and objectivity is too great to be compromised by such threats.

My mother talked with another woman about her daughter’s smocked dress because at big premieres like this, it’s always important to find out what other people are wearing.

Then I was shown to my seat, which to tell the truth was only mediocre for a member of the working press. Small children sang songs, allegedly to get me into the Christmas spirit, but I did not find the songs very joyful. One song was about how all the little children should come to Bethlehem. On the one hand, that was not very inclusive because there were many adults there, and on the other hand, I don’t think small children should be wandering about the middle east on their own, for there is much violence in the area.

Then the service started. As usual with church services, there was a procession into the church, but because of the pageant, the characters processed also, wearing their costumes. I took the opportunity to note that the girl playing the Virgin Mary was wearing sparkling red Converse sneakers. Interesting choice. Following the Holy Family was an angel carrying a doll. This angel, instead of being filled with heavenly joy at carrying the Christ Child, spent the procession shooting dirty, dirty looks at the shepherd that was also accompanying the couple, perhaps because the shepherd was playing a little fast and loose with his staff.

Now, in my day, the Christmas pageant seemed to be read more or less directly from the Bible, and as source materials go, I think that’s a pretty good one. However, for this performance, the powers-that-be decided to go with an adaptation by one Jerome Berryman, who is an Episcopal priest who developed this entire Sunday School curriculum. Well, Godly Play wasn’t developed til after my time so I can’t vouch for its success in Sunday School. But I must tell you, this Christmas pageant was found lacking, script-wise, in this reviewer’s opinion.

The story at the heart of any Nativity scene is a simple and beautiful one. Yet Jerome Berryman, apparently never having seen the Charlie Brown Christmas special that celebrated the simplicity, decided to spice it up a little bit with flowery language and superfluous, speculative details. Berryman goes to great lengths to describe the town of Bethlehem, including a lot of information of animals. We are told that “donkeys chew their barley and broken straw while weary cows lean and rest at the end of the day. Sheep nearby are almost asleep. Doves coo in the rafters.” Then, after those lines, Berryman insists, “All is still and quiet in the little town.” BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DOVES COOING AND THE DONKEYS CHEWING ON WHATEVER THEY CAN GET THEIR PAWS ON, JEROME???? HOW CAN IT BE STILL AND QUIET IF THAT IS GOING ON????

I feel the narrator of the pageant was hindered by these lines. At one point, she was supposed to say, “They are Joseph and Mary from Nazareth!” but she really didn’t sell me on that exclamation mark, apparently because she knew that she had more crazy crap to plow through. Mary and Joseph decide to sleep in the stables, represented by a simple stage. To this reviewer, Joseph looked a little too smug for a guy whose wife was carrying a baby not his own and Mary looked a little too perky for a young woman about to give birth in a stable.

This play included an odd dramatization of childbirth. After the lines that tell us that Mary had already wrapped the baby up and put it into the “feed box” (I guess Berryman found “manger” too complicated a concept), an angel came up the aisle to deliver the baby to the couple. The angel, freed from the company of that crazy shepherd, was no less surly.

More and more children made their way to the scene in a midst of ridiculous lines. Animals were there; I thought one boy was playing a chicken but my brother told me later it was supposed to be a dove. “Shepherds watching their shadowy sheep” came, even though I’m not quite sure how the sheep were shadowy in the dark. The wise kings came, “following the wild star, the destiny they had never seen before, and they are following it.” That’s a real line. I didn’t change it at all. But it wasn’t my favorite description of the wise men, which was this: “Their restlessness rests at last.”

As I observed the children find their spots, I thought they looked a bit bored. They were playing roles they knew they were going to play for weeks, and if they were spontaneously picked, it’s possible they might have looked a little bit more freaked out, which I think is probably how most people were that night. It’s a more “Method” way of doing things.

But then something happened that warmed my heart a little bit and converted me on this concept ever so slightly (not Berryman’s script, just the concept). At the end of the play, the narrator says some psychobabble about how the children should bring their gifts of stars to the Christ Child. And then, there were these golden stars on sticks that were handed out to all the children in the congregation who wanted one. And all those children with their stars surrounding the Nativity scene was in fact very beautiful.

So, the Nativity play was, in some ways, like it used to be, because everyone got to participate by holding a star. And maybe it’s okay if you know beforehand whether you’ll play Mary or an angel or a wise man, so you don’t freak out too much over your part or worry you’ll be passed over. But all I know is that the Nativity play needs a new script, and I have verbal contracts with the children and youth directors as well as the priest to write a new one.

Sadly, I probably won’t ever see my script performed, as my family and I decided that the Christmas pageant was something to be experienced only every couple of years. It’s just far too loud in comparison to the later service, which is more dignified and elegant. Still, I am glad I went to this one, and I give the children and staff behind Nativity 2008 credit for overcoming the ridiculous script. Again, I should note it’s only the silly script I found ridiculous, not the actual biblical story of the event. Don’t mess with a winner is all I’m saying.

doughboy!

If you type “doughboy” into Wikipedia, there are a few possible entries you might be directed to: Doughboy as a slang term for American soldiers, the Pillsbury Doughboy advertising character, a band called the Doughboys (originally from Canada, they have now broken up), the fictional movie character Darin ‘Doughboy’ Baker, and Doughboy Island, which is in Tasmania.

But if you are me or one of my brothers, there is only one thing that you think of when you think of the word doughboy, and that is this thing:

This is my dad’s doughboy. It is on a counter in the kitchen. He keeps various papers in it and every few months he has to clean out the doughboy. If you are ever looking for spare keys or paper that might be located on the counter, then “to the right of the doughboy” or “next to the doughboy” is a perfectly acceptable direction to give. The doughboy is a well-known landmark in our house.

And apparently it was in my dad’s house growing up, as well. I asked my dad about his doughboy, and he said it was just something that was always in their house and his mom gave it to him when he went to law school, or thereabouts. Dad said a doughboy gets its name from its original purpose, which was to knead dough.

Well, flash forward many years, and picture my little family sitting around our Christmas tree. We had opened all our presents, and there were three gift bags left. Normally, we open our presents one at a time, so that Christmas lasts longer and so we can all enjoy seeing what everyone else got. But these bags, said mom and dad, all needed to be opened at the same time.

We dove into our bags and what do you think was there?! A doughboy! We all got a doughboy! We took out our doughboys and raised them above our heads and we were all saying doughboy over and over again. And the happiness of three kids getting doughboys is today’s Picture of the Day:

Now we all have a doughboy and don’t have to fight over who gets Dad’s doughboy. As my brother said, there probably wasn’t any other home in the world where three kids got doughboys and experienced the same kind of happiness we did.

I should probably note that before writing this entry I did approximately three minutes of internet research, and if the internet is to be believed, the proper term is dough box. But you can try all day to talk me into that, and I will insist on calling my present a doughboy. That’s just the way it is.