The book: A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson
What is this book about: Bill Bryson hikes the Appalachian Trail with a recovering alcoholic and muses on it.
Why did I read this book: I figured I’d see what all the fuss was about.
What did I think of this book: I very much enjoyed this book because it provided a glimpse of a trail that sorta runs through my backyard, or did when I lived in North Carolina. I appreciated that all of the people in it were easily summed up with humorous and instructive anecdotes, because those are the best types of people. I did not like it when Bryson decided in Gatlinburg, TN that he could not be “this far south” anymore because technically Candler, NC is further south and I don’t know that he needed to diss the south just because he was not making much progress hiking. By the end I felt that the big city was probably safer than the AT although I know that was not the point.
What was my favorite part of this book: This is so awful, but I really liked it when they went into town and could shower and eat a good meal. I just felt much better about things when they had clean clothes and could call home.
What did I learn from this book: That I have absolutely no desire to hike the AT. I think everyone at some point thinks it’s worth just taking a few months off to do this, but I’m glad to I know that I never, ever need to try. Ever.
What grade do I give this book: A
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
A trip to Babyland
It was a harrowing journey. I saw both a teddy bear and a very large dead dog abandoned on the side of the road. I drove through a particularly rough hail storm and had to contend with some poorly marked roads. I survived these trials and tribulations to make it to a tourist attraction that has been calling my name since I moved back to Georgia: Babyland General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia. It’s where they make Cabbage Patch Kids.
If you’re not familiar with Cabbage Patch Kids, they are dolls, and no two are alike. They come with adoption papers and always have sorta freaky names. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was 2 (the same birthday that I received “Berenstain Bears and the New Baby,” in preparation for the little brother that would arrive four weeks later). A much-loved doll, it even had an official portrait painted. One summer at the beach, after I fell asleep, someone would sneak into my room and take the doll, and my uncle would paint it. They’d put the doll back before I woke up and at the end of vacation I got a painting. That painting is still above my bed in North Carolina.
So in a fit of childhood nostalgia, I drove up to Babyland General Hospital to see some Cabbage Patch Kids. They’re really not joking about the hospital part. When you walk in, there’s this nurse waiting to greet you. Then you walk into the nursery, which is a bunch of cribs stuffed with Cabbage Patch Dolls, with many signs hung about to remind you that all of these dolls are available for adoption. These signs would eventually give me a tremendous guilt complex.
This nursery housed the original Cabbage Patch Kids--- hand-sewn and with all cloth faces. Mine was mass-produced by Toys-R-Us, most likely, so it had a plastic face, which I much preferred after seeing these all-cloth faces. It gave them a look of puckered turtles. I spent a few minutes in the room reading the Kids’ names. I thought I spied a Kid named “Teagan Commie,” but it turns out it was Cammie. Then I thought I saw a Kid named “Arlene Magic,” but it turns out it was Magie written with one g and a poorly-written C. In the last case of mistaken identity, I saw “Kinsey Belch,” but that was Belen just kinda scribbled weird. But what kind of name is Belen?
What kinds of names were any of these? I made a mental note to come back when I get pregnant to get some ideas for baby names (or before I adopt, because if there’s anything I learned yesterday, it was that there are lots and lots of adoptions that need to happen!). How else will I learn about names like Nevada, Dinorah or Jynna? I don’t even know how you pronounce the last one…if it’s like Gina, or Jenna, or something else. I even spotted a “Molly” spelled “Molley.” Interestingly, I heard lots of parents telling the kids, “That woman says we can change the name on the birth certificate,” so I don’t know why they go to such efforts to give the Cabbage Patch Kids weird names, because the owners seem to want to just change them.
Anyways, after the nursery, you walk into the preemie unit, which has little dolls in infant incubators so you can experience the stress and worry of a child being born too early. You reach into the incubators and touch their little hands and try not to freak out.
But you can’t get too sad because then you walk into the Cabbage Patch Kids school, where kids scamper on the playground and eat lunch in a cafeteria and sit at desks to learn from the Cabbage Patch Nurses. All of them with their arms outstretched, screaming in silent voices, “Love me!”
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As I left the school room, I noticed a sign: “Doll is a four-letter word. We say ‘babies.’” So I apologize for all of the times I have already cursed in this entry.
After the school, there’s a little hallway where it’s always Christmas, and the dolls, I mean babies, hang out with Santa and sit contentedly under a fireplace. Then you head into another big room where the dolls are in various states of play. Some are sailing aboard the S.S. Cabbage, a ship that’s headed directly for a spot where some Kids are picnicking and climbing trees.
Here are some kids hanging out in the Cabbage Patch French Quarter:
In the center of this room is the titular cabbage patch, where you see Kids in various stages of development. Here they are with just their heads:
Here they are a little more developed:
Creepy, I thought. I had no idea how much creepier it was going to get.
I was halfway through the gift shop when the announcement came for everyone to report to the Cabbage Patch. Turns out Mother Cabbage was 10 cabbage leaves dilated and it was time to deliver. They had turned the lights out and these crystals at the base of the cabbage patch were glowing. As the Cabbage Patch Doctor explained to us, these were signs that we were about to have another Cabbage Patch Kid on our hands.
The Cabbage Patch Doctor was a kindly man, probably on the older side of middle-age but I wouldn’t want to call him old. I spent a lot of time wondering if he was a frustrated doctor or a frustrated actor as he went through the steps of preparing Mother Cabbage for delivery. He wiped down instruments and gave her shots and flicked a finger against one of those bags of things that have nutrients. I don’t know what they’re called but if you’ve seen a medical tv show you know what I’m talking about. As he did all this he explained the history of Cabbage Patch Kids and the guy who found Mother Cabbage and the Magical Crystal Tree in the forest and brought them to Babyland so that we could all buy the babies….I mean, “adopt” them and live happily ever after.
The delivery of a Cabbage Patch Kid is surprisingly technical. First Doctor Cabbage Patch did a sonogram and we found out we’re having a girl. Then he gave her a shot of “imagicillan,” and then an “easy-otomy” which consisted of cutting some cabbage leaves. Then, he pulled out a Cabbage Patch Doll! He asked some little kids in the audience for names, and one girl suggested “Lauren” and another suggested “Emerson,” but if I know anything about Babyland, they’ll spell that name “Loryn Emirsin.” The delivery complete, the doctor reminded us we could adopt little Lauren/Lauryn/Lorin/Loryn in the gift shop.
As I understand it, adopting at Babyland involves taking a pledge that you’ll take good care of the Kid, pacing around in a waiting room, and then buying all sorts of baby stuff for the Kid. And not really even interesting baby stuff either. I mean, you buy things like a scale so you can weigh the baby. You buy a layette set so you can bring the swaddled doll home. Of course you can buy the cool changes of clothes and a stage for when the Kid becomes a rock star, but a shocking amount of stuff is dedicated to the mundane.
Is this good or bad? I don’t know. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid the easy way, wrapped up in a box. What if I had had to go through the process of physically adopting one? Would I be more inclined to adopt kids now? Or would I have a misguided view of how easy the process is…throw $40 bucks on the counter and promise to take care of the kid? Are these kids more likely to understand responsibilities that include swaddling and ensuring proper rates of growth via constant weighing or are they more likely to become teenage mothers because they enjoy buying doll outfits?
I don’t have the answers to these questions. All I know is that the brochure says that Mother Cabbage gives birth regularly, which makes me think that maybe it’s time to put her on some cabbage birth control. The brochure also says that they’re building a new and improved Babyland that will open in the next year. So rest assured, this is not the last word on Babyland, because I will definitely be going back to see what extra rooms of crazy they can add.
If you’re not familiar with Cabbage Patch Kids, they are dolls, and no two are alike. They come with adoption papers and always have sorta freaky names. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid when I was 2 (the same birthday that I received “Berenstain Bears and the New Baby,” in preparation for the little brother that would arrive four weeks later). A much-loved doll, it even had an official portrait painted. One summer at the beach, after I fell asleep, someone would sneak into my room and take the doll, and my uncle would paint it. They’d put the doll back before I woke up and at the end of vacation I got a painting. That painting is still above my bed in North Carolina.
So in a fit of childhood nostalgia, I drove up to Babyland General Hospital to see some Cabbage Patch Kids. They’re really not joking about the hospital part. When you walk in, there’s this nurse waiting to greet you. Then you walk into the nursery, which is a bunch of cribs stuffed with Cabbage Patch Dolls, with many signs hung about to remind you that all of these dolls are available for adoption. These signs would eventually give me a tremendous guilt complex.
This nursery housed the original Cabbage Patch Kids--- hand-sewn and with all cloth faces. Mine was mass-produced by Toys-R-Us, most likely, so it had a plastic face, which I much preferred after seeing these all-cloth faces. It gave them a look of puckered turtles. I spent a few minutes in the room reading the Kids’ names. I thought I spied a Kid named “Teagan Commie,” but it turns out it was Cammie. Then I thought I saw a Kid named “Arlene Magic,” but it turns out it was Magie written with one g and a poorly-written C. In the last case of mistaken identity, I saw “Kinsey Belch,” but that was Belen just kinda scribbled weird. But what kind of name is Belen?
What kinds of names were any of these? I made a mental note to come back when I get pregnant to get some ideas for baby names (or before I adopt, because if there’s anything I learned yesterday, it was that there are lots and lots of adoptions that need to happen!). How else will I learn about names like Nevada, Dinorah or Jynna? I don’t even know how you pronounce the last one…if it’s like Gina, or Jenna, or something else. I even spotted a “Molly” spelled “Molley.” Interestingly, I heard lots of parents telling the kids, “That woman says we can change the name on the birth certificate,” so I don’t know why they go to such efforts to give the Cabbage Patch Kids weird names, because the owners seem to want to just change them.
Anyways, after the nursery, you walk into the preemie unit, which has little dolls in infant incubators so you can experience the stress and worry of a child being born too early. You reach into the incubators and touch their little hands and try not to freak out.
But you can’t get too sad because then you walk into the Cabbage Patch Kids school, where kids scamper on the playground and eat lunch in a cafeteria and sit at desks to learn from the Cabbage Patch Nurses. All of them with their arms outstretched, screaming in silent voices, “Love me!”
.jpg)
As I left the school room, I noticed a sign: “Doll is a four-letter word. We say ‘babies.’” So I apologize for all of the times I have already cursed in this entry.
After the school, there’s a little hallway where it’s always Christmas, and the dolls, I mean babies, hang out with Santa and sit contentedly under a fireplace. Then you head into another big room where the dolls are in various states of play. Some are sailing aboard the S.S. Cabbage, a ship that’s headed directly for a spot where some Kids are picnicking and climbing trees.
Here are some kids hanging out in the Cabbage Patch French Quarter:
In the center of this room is the titular cabbage patch, where you see Kids in various stages of development. Here they are with just their heads:
Here they are a little more developed:
Creepy, I thought. I had no idea how much creepier it was going to get.
I was halfway through the gift shop when the announcement came for everyone to report to the Cabbage Patch. Turns out Mother Cabbage was 10 cabbage leaves dilated and it was time to deliver. They had turned the lights out and these crystals at the base of the cabbage patch were glowing. As the Cabbage Patch Doctor explained to us, these were signs that we were about to have another Cabbage Patch Kid on our hands.
The Cabbage Patch Doctor was a kindly man, probably on the older side of middle-age but I wouldn’t want to call him old. I spent a lot of time wondering if he was a frustrated doctor or a frustrated actor as he went through the steps of preparing Mother Cabbage for delivery. He wiped down instruments and gave her shots and flicked a finger against one of those bags of things that have nutrients. I don’t know what they’re called but if you’ve seen a medical tv show you know what I’m talking about. As he did all this he explained the history of Cabbage Patch Kids and the guy who found Mother Cabbage and the Magical Crystal Tree in the forest and brought them to Babyland so that we could all buy the babies….I mean, “adopt” them and live happily ever after.
The delivery of a Cabbage Patch Kid is surprisingly technical. First Doctor Cabbage Patch did a sonogram and we found out we’re having a girl. Then he gave her a shot of “imagicillan,” and then an “easy-otomy” which consisted of cutting some cabbage leaves. Then, he pulled out a Cabbage Patch Doll! He asked some little kids in the audience for names, and one girl suggested “Lauren” and another suggested “Emerson,” but if I know anything about Babyland, they’ll spell that name “Loryn Emirsin.” The delivery complete, the doctor reminded us we could adopt little Lauren/Lauryn/Lorin/Loryn in the gift shop.
As I understand it, adopting at Babyland involves taking a pledge that you’ll take good care of the Kid, pacing around in a waiting room, and then buying all sorts of baby stuff for the Kid. And not really even interesting baby stuff either. I mean, you buy things like a scale so you can weigh the baby. You buy a layette set so you can bring the swaddled doll home. Of course you can buy the cool changes of clothes and a stage for when the Kid becomes a rock star, but a shocking amount of stuff is dedicated to the mundane.
Is this good or bad? I don’t know. I got a Cabbage Patch Kid the easy way, wrapped up in a box. What if I had had to go through the process of physically adopting one? Would I be more inclined to adopt kids now? Or would I have a misguided view of how easy the process is…throw $40 bucks on the counter and promise to take care of the kid? Are these kids more likely to understand responsibilities that include swaddling and ensuring proper rates of growth via constant weighing or are they more likely to become teenage mothers because they enjoy buying doll outfits?
I don’t have the answers to these questions. All I know is that the brochure says that Mother Cabbage gives birth regularly, which makes me think that maybe it’s time to put her on some cabbage birth control. The brochure also says that they’re building a new and improved Babyland that will open in the next year. So rest assured, this is not the last word on Babyland, because I will definitely be going back to see what extra rooms of crazy they can add.
Book #3: A Confederacy of Dunces
The book: A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
What is this book about: Ignatius J. Reilly is a fat man who lives with his mother at the age of 30 and spends most of his time railing against the indignities of the modern world. He’s nearly arrested in front of a department store. Then he and his mother go to a bar, and the mother gets drunk and crashes the car. Ignatius is forced to go to work to pay off the debt, a tale that involves the interweaving of all of the characters from those first two scenes.
Why did I read this book: It’s been staring at me from the shelves for awhile. Also, remember when it was going to be a movie with Will Ferrell? You know how I am about reading books before they become movies.
What did I think of this book: I thought it was a great book, with all the interweaving and comic escapades and whatnot. The New Republic told me via back-of-the-book blurb that I would “laugh out loud till your belly aches and your eyes water,” which did not come true. I think I chuckled twice, but maybe I just don’t laugh out loud at books.
What was my favorite part of this book: It would be too hard to pick out just one of the madcap adventures or pieces of writing in this book. So please don’t hold it against this book that my favorite part was reading the Wikipedia entry on this book after I was finished and discovering that Mischa Barton, Slash and Augusten Burroughs all claim its their favorite book. I mean, what weird company, right? I’d like to see a book about their interweaving adventures.
What did I learn from this book: I wouldn’t say you “learn” anything from the book per se, although you do get a sense of what New Orleans was like in the 1960s. I guess you learn a little bit about Christian philosopher Boethius. Most of the juicy stuff I learned was about the “curse” surrounding the book by reading this Slate article: http://www.slate.com/id/2155500/.
What grade do I give this book: A-
What is this book about: Ignatius J. Reilly is a fat man who lives with his mother at the age of 30 and spends most of his time railing against the indignities of the modern world. He’s nearly arrested in front of a department store. Then he and his mother go to a bar, and the mother gets drunk and crashes the car. Ignatius is forced to go to work to pay off the debt, a tale that involves the interweaving of all of the characters from those first two scenes.
Why did I read this book: It’s been staring at me from the shelves for awhile. Also, remember when it was going to be a movie with Will Ferrell? You know how I am about reading books before they become movies.
What did I think of this book: I thought it was a great book, with all the interweaving and comic escapades and whatnot. The New Republic told me via back-of-the-book blurb that I would “laugh out loud till your belly aches and your eyes water,” which did not come true. I think I chuckled twice, but maybe I just don’t laugh out loud at books.
What was my favorite part of this book: It would be too hard to pick out just one of the madcap adventures or pieces of writing in this book. So please don’t hold it against this book that my favorite part was reading the Wikipedia entry on this book after I was finished and discovering that Mischa Barton, Slash and Augusten Burroughs all claim its their favorite book. I mean, what weird company, right? I’d like to see a book about their interweaving adventures.
What did I learn from this book: I wouldn’t say you “learn” anything from the book per se, although you do get a sense of what New Orleans was like in the 1960s. I guess you learn a little bit about Christian philosopher Boethius. Most of the juicy stuff I learned was about the “curse” surrounding the book by reading this Slate article: http://www.slate.com/id/2155500/.
What grade do I give this book: A-
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Best Burger in Lenox
Well, it’s almost Memorial Day, which gets me thinking about beer and burgers. So today I set off for Lenox Mall Food Court, where I knew I could get at least one of those things.
I went to Nathan’s Famous for a burger as part of the Great Food Court Project. Now, I know what you’re thinking—Molly, you already went to Nathan’s Famous as part of the Great Food Court Project. You’re just repeating yourself now. That is not interesting.
Well, let me explain what happened here. When I went to Nathan’s the first time, I noticed not one, but two signs proclaiming that Nathan’s served the “Best Burger in Lenox.” This seemed a pretty direct affront to the restaurant that was diagonally across the way: Burger King.
So, immediately I realized that we had a burger showdown on our hands. The monarchy epitomized by Burger King versus the democracy promised by all-American Nathan’s. Could the Whopper really be upstaged by a no-name burger provided by a restaurant more famous for its hot dogs? I intended to find out.
I walked into the food court today determined to give Burger King the first go at this “Best Burger” crown. A true shock awaited me, readers. For, as it turns out, Burger King has gone out of business since I’ve been there last. The King abdicated. The King has left the building. The King is dead, long live the King.
This made the best burger showdown a bit anticlimactic, as Nathan’s does indeed now have the “Best Burger in Lenox” by virtue of having the only burger. Although…perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy! Perhaps by simply asserting their prominence, they did indeed become prominent. There’s a self-help book in there somewhere.
So I went ahead and had the burger at Nathan's. It was fine. It’s been awhile since I had a Whopper so I couldn’t really even picture how the showdown would have come down. I did notice that the Nathan’s burger lacked that decadent gob of mayo that a Whopper does, and I feel like the Whopper is more onion-y. Or onion-y in a way that sticks with you for hours and hours. This burger had onion but it was more subdued in its aftermath. These are either positives or minuses depending upon how you look at it.
As I ate, I pondered the travesty that the AT&T store is still allowed to do business in the food court while legitimate food-serving businesses are being pushed out. I also wondered what might fill Burger King’s spot. The only two unexploited food niches I could identify were sushi (very hip in malls right now!) and Thai (very popular in Seattle food courts!). I certainly wouldn’t mind a Wendy’s there, if we’re going to stick with chains. Also, maybe a more gourmet burger outlet, the kind of burger place that thinks up burgers with guacamole and barbeque sauce and whatnot.
I also tried to decide what Burger King’s closure portended for the Great Food Court Project. Should I eat faster, so that I can hit all these places before they go out of business? Are these store closures just reflecting the normal ebb and flow of American businesses, each barricaded storefront representing missed opportunities and the challenges of owning a franchise? I may be overthinking it, and I’m not particularly broken up over the loss of a Burger King. But I’m trying to add some depth to this project.
But let me say this. Consider this a threat, Lenox Mall Food Court. If either Sbarro or Roman Delight goes out of business before I get around to my “Best Pizza in Lenox” showdown, then….um….well, I’ll be mildly upset I guess. I thought I was going to have a stronger threat, but I don’t.
I went to Nathan’s Famous for a burger as part of the Great Food Court Project. Now, I know what you’re thinking—Molly, you already went to Nathan’s Famous as part of the Great Food Court Project. You’re just repeating yourself now. That is not interesting.
Well, let me explain what happened here. When I went to Nathan’s the first time, I noticed not one, but two signs proclaiming that Nathan’s served the “Best Burger in Lenox.” This seemed a pretty direct affront to the restaurant that was diagonally across the way: Burger King.
So, immediately I realized that we had a burger showdown on our hands. The monarchy epitomized by Burger King versus the democracy promised by all-American Nathan’s. Could the Whopper really be upstaged by a no-name burger provided by a restaurant more famous for its hot dogs? I intended to find out.
I walked into the food court today determined to give Burger King the first go at this “Best Burger” crown. A true shock awaited me, readers. For, as it turns out, Burger King has gone out of business since I’ve been there last. The King abdicated. The King has left the building. The King is dead, long live the King.
This made the best burger showdown a bit anticlimactic, as Nathan’s does indeed now have the “Best Burger in Lenox” by virtue of having the only burger. Although…perhaps it was a self-fulfilling prophecy! Perhaps by simply asserting their prominence, they did indeed become prominent. There’s a self-help book in there somewhere.
So I went ahead and had the burger at Nathan's. It was fine. It’s been awhile since I had a Whopper so I couldn’t really even picture how the showdown would have come down. I did notice that the Nathan’s burger lacked that decadent gob of mayo that a Whopper does, and I feel like the Whopper is more onion-y. Or onion-y in a way that sticks with you for hours and hours. This burger had onion but it was more subdued in its aftermath. These are either positives or minuses depending upon how you look at it.
As I ate, I pondered the travesty that the AT&T store is still allowed to do business in the food court while legitimate food-serving businesses are being pushed out. I also wondered what might fill Burger King’s spot. The only two unexploited food niches I could identify were sushi (very hip in malls right now!) and Thai (very popular in Seattle food courts!). I certainly wouldn’t mind a Wendy’s there, if we’re going to stick with chains. Also, maybe a more gourmet burger outlet, the kind of burger place that thinks up burgers with guacamole and barbeque sauce and whatnot.
I also tried to decide what Burger King’s closure portended for the Great Food Court Project. Should I eat faster, so that I can hit all these places before they go out of business? Are these store closures just reflecting the normal ebb and flow of American businesses, each barricaded storefront representing missed opportunities and the challenges of owning a franchise? I may be overthinking it, and I’m not particularly broken up over the loss of a Burger King. But I’m trying to add some depth to this project.
But let me say this. Consider this a threat, Lenox Mall Food Court. If either Sbarro or Roman Delight goes out of business before I get around to my “Best Pizza in Lenox” showdown, then….um….well, I’ll be mildly upset I guess. I thought I was going to have a stronger threat, but I don’t.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Indiana Jones Hour 8: The End...until the 4th movie
For the first part of this hour, I did an online Sudoko that was rated five stars for difficulty. I pretended that if I solved the puzzle, that it would be the equivalent of beating the Nazis in the race for religious artifacts. Well, I solved it in 15 minutes, Indiana Jones. You still haven’t even rescued your dad from that tank yet. Clearly I am the superior archaeologist.
Sean Connery thinks that Indy died and regrets he never told him anything fatherly. But it turns out Indy is still alive. The two men hug in a rare display of emotion. Do you think after this movie that their father-son rift is healed and they become close? Based on the non-existent fate of Indy’s former best friend Short Round, then I doubt it.
So, what happens in the next movie, which is about crystal skulls, has been pretty well-guarded. I’m going to come up with some vicious lies and list them here in the hopes that maybe one of them is right and I look like a magical seer.
--Indiana Jones dies.
--Indiana Jones dates a girl named Ally McBeal.
--Indiana Jones is Iron Man.
--Indiana Jones gets really into Sudoko.
--Marion wears those red pants again.
--Short Round makes a cameo.
--Indiana Jones gets eaten by a shark.
--Indiana Jones has a long-lost twin named Illinois.
--Indiana Jones has a crystal skull.
--Indiana Jones has an affair with a student (played by Lindsey Lohan)
--Indiana Jones accepts a job offer at a burgeoning paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
--Indiana Jones runs for president.
--Indiana Jones has mid-life crisis now that there are no damn dirty Nazis to fight.
So now there’s approximately 20 minutes left in this movie and in this epic quest of mine. Indy is trying to get the grail to save his father. He meets a knight. The bad guy drinks from the wrong grail. Indy picks the right grail and saves his dad. The hot librarian gets too greedy about the possibility of everlasting life. Indiana learns that sometimes archaeological artifacts aren’t the most important things in the world. We learn Indy's real name. Everyone thinks this is the last crusade but they are wrong. The movie ends. I get my life back and eight blog posts. Everyone wins except for Nazis.
Sean Connery thinks that Indy died and regrets he never told him anything fatherly. But it turns out Indy is still alive. The two men hug in a rare display of emotion. Do you think after this movie that their father-son rift is healed and they become close? Based on the non-existent fate of Indy’s former best friend Short Round, then I doubt it.
So, what happens in the next movie, which is about crystal skulls, has been pretty well-guarded. I’m going to come up with some vicious lies and list them here in the hopes that maybe one of them is right and I look like a magical seer.
--Indiana Jones dies.
--Indiana Jones dates a girl named Ally McBeal.
--Indiana Jones is Iron Man.
--Indiana Jones gets really into Sudoko.
--Marion wears those red pants again.
--Short Round makes a cameo.
--Indiana Jones gets eaten by a shark.
--Indiana Jones has a long-lost twin named Illinois.
--Indiana Jones has a crystal skull.
--Indiana Jones has an affair with a student (played by Lindsey Lohan)
--Indiana Jones accepts a job offer at a burgeoning paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
--Indiana Jones runs for president.
--Indiana Jones has mid-life crisis now that there are no damn dirty Nazis to fight.
So now there’s approximately 20 minutes left in this movie and in this epic quest of mine. Indy is trying to get the grail to save his father. He meets a knight. The bad guy drinks from the wrong grail. Indy picks the right grail and saves his dad. The hot librarian gets too greedy about the possibility of everlasting life. Indiana learns that sometimes archaeological artifacts aren’t the most important things in the world. We learn Indy's real name. Everyone thinks this is the last crusade but they are wrong. The movie ends. I get my life back and eight blog posts. Everyone wins except for Nazis.
Indiana Jones Hour 7: I want to fly on a blimp. They look spacious.
Okay after another brief sojourn on the deck, I am back and ready to fire through to the end. I had some waffles. While I was eating I tried to catch up on this movie. Somehow Indiana Jones found his father and they had gotten tied up to chairs and there was a fire and they were on a revolving panel and there were Nazis and then there was a motorcycle chase. Hmmm. Just typing that out made me kind of exhausted again.
After this day of watching all the Indiana Jones movies, I can’t say I’m really excited about the new movie anymore. Frankly I’m kind of sick of Indiana Jones and all his drama. Also I don’t really feel like I know Indiana Jones as a person. He has maddeningly little dialogue and most of that is dedicated to talking about artifacts. Women and small Asian children come in and out of his life with no explanation. He’s pretty mean to his father. The only thing he really has going for him is his hatred of Nazis.
Now those damn dirty Nazis are burning books. Now Indy is riding on a blimp.
Which do you think would have gone better? Blogging about three Indiana Jones movies or blogging about three Lifetime movies? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about the entire first season of Beverly Hills 90210? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about some sort of sporting event? At this point in, I really don’t even know. Should I have just spent the day reading my book? I haven’t decided the success of today yet.
There’s a SciFi Memorial Day Weekend Movie Marathon! I can guarantee you now that I will neither be blogging that nor watching it.
Now Indy and his dad are working out their issues. Would Indy have become an archaeologist if his dad hadn’t been so obsessed about archaeology? I don’t know. But that might be an interesting movie to watch. Let me think about how a scene would go.
Young Indy: Dad, wanna go play catch?
Sean Connery: Sure, let’s go! It’s not like I’m too busy with archaeology or anything! (they play catch)
Young Indy: I want to be a baseball player!
(flash forward 20 years)
Grown-up Indiana Jones: Well, it sure was gratifying to win the World Series. If only my dad were here to see it. But I can be at peace knowing that we didn’t have any unresolved issues at the time of his death. As a result, I can maintain healthy relationships with women, I don’t have to make small children drive cars through temples of doom, and my fedora hat is not all sweaty and dirty. Of course, the Nazis have made off with all the religious artifacts, but what could I have done about that? I’m just a humble baseball player who has never used a whip in my entire life.
[end scene]
After this day of watching all the Indiana Jones movies, I can’t say I’m really excited about the new movie anymore. Frankly I’m kind of sick of Indiana Jones and all his drama. Also I don’t really feel like I know Indiana Jones as a person. He has maddeningly little dialogue and most of that is dedicated to talking about artifacts. Women and small Asian children come in and out of his life with no explanation. He’s pretty mean to his father. The only thing he really has going for him is his hatred of Nazis.
Now those damn dirty Nazis are burning books. Now Indy is riding on a blimp.
Which do you think would have gone better? Blogging about three Indiana Jones movies or blogging about three Lifetime movies? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about the entire first season of Beverly Hills 90210? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about some sort of sporting event? At this point in, I really don’t even know. Should I have just spent the day reading my book? I haven’t decided the success of today yet.
There’s a SciFi Memorial Day Weekend Movie Marathon! I can guarantee you now that I will neither be blogging that nor watching it.
Now Indy and his dad are working out their issues. Would Indy have become an archaeologist if his dad hadn’t been so obsessed about archaeology? I don’t know. But that might be an interesting movie to watch. Let me think about how a scene would go.
Young Indy: Dad, wanna go play catch?
Sean Connery: Sure, let’s go! It’s not like I’m too busy with archaeology or anything! (they play catch)
Young Indy: I want to be a baseball player!
(flash forward 20 years)
Grown-up Indiana Jones: Well, it sure was gratifying to win the World Series. If only my dad were here to see it. But I can be at peace knowing that we didn’t have any unresolved issues at the time of his death. As a result, I can maintain healthy relationships with women, I don’t have to make small children drive cars through temples of doom, and my fedora hat is not all sweaty and dirty. Of course, the Nazis have made off with all the religious artifacts, but what could I have done about that? I’m just a humble baseball player who has never used a whip in my entire life.
[end scene]
Indiana Jones Hour 6: When will this end?
Hour 6 starts with Indy cutting down the bridge with alligators so that some bad guys get eaten. The chief bad guy makes one last attempt to rip out Indiana Jones’ heart but luckily I did not get too scared that he’d succeed because I know there’s another movie on right after this. Indy prevails. I hope I didn’t ruin the end for anyone.
I know I missed some of this movie because I was outside reading, but one thing I can say is that this movie passed by much more quickly than the first one, which did seem a little long. As far as I can ascertain, the only things I missed were: the development of the romance between Indiana Jones and Kate Capshaw, the significance of the Temple of Doom and exactly what Indiana Jones was trying to do down there, and some adorably precious things performed by the little kid.
Well, the third movie is starting. It is titled “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” and Harrison Ford is reprising his role as Indiana Jones. It is 6:10 p.m. I just opened a beer. So far I have thought of two possibilities for dinner and those two things are toaster waffles and cereal. Some boy scouts are riding through what appears to be Utah and given that this is the first 10 minutes of an Indiana Jones movie, I fear something bad might happen to them.
Oh, River Phoenix is playing young Indiana. I had forgotten about this. Young Indy has the same intensity about archaeological artifacts but is unafraid of snakes at this point in his life. That will not last, as he lands amidst all these snakes on a train car. Snakes on a train! Where is Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? Then Young Indy finds a whip and gets eaten by a lion. The end.
Just kidding. We have HOURS of movie left to go.
We have another scene of grown-up Indy teaching in his classroom. He still loves writing one word at a time on the board, he still has girls in love with him in his class, Marcus keeps coming into his classroom right before the bell rings. Shake it up a little bit, Spielberg.
And shake it up he does, because then we get a scene that shows that Indy’s students have some gripes with Indy. So he sneaks out a window under the watchful eye of what we can only assume at this point is a Nazi or Sean Connery. Or I guess just some dudes who bring Indy to a meeting with a guy who is also totally into archaeological artifacts. The Holy Grail! Someone alert Dan Brown because I think he totally missed this movie.
So Indy sets off to find the most precious artifact of all, his father. I go off to give my dad a call. I talk to my mom for five minutes but now it’s back to the movie. In the time in which I was gone Indy found some sort of hot librarian who is willing to dig holes in library floors for the sake of adventure.
Someone releases a lot of rats into the library hole but not before Indy makes some sort of important discovery. Look, Indy seems to have things under control so I’m going to go back out on the deck for awhile.
I know I missed some of this movie because I was outside reading, but one thing I can say is that this movie passed by much more quickly than the first one, which did seem a little long. As far as I can ascertain, the only things I missed were: the development of the romance between Indiana Jones and Kate Capshaw, the significance of the Temple of Doom and exactly what Indiana Jones was trying to do down there, and some adorably precious things performed by the little kid.
Well, the third movie is starting. It is titled “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” and Harrison Ford is reprising his role as Indiana Jones. It is 6:10 p.m. I just opened a beer. So far I have thought of two possibilities for dinner and those two things are toaster waffles and cereal. Some boy scouts are riding through what appears to be Utah and given that this is the first 10 minutes of an Indiana Jones movie, I fear something bad might happen to them.
Oh, River Phoenix is playing young Indiana. I had forgotten about this. Young Indy has the same intensity about archaeological artifacts but is unafraid of snakes at this point in his life. That will not last, as he lands amidst all these snakes on a train car. Snakes on a train! Where is Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? Then Young Indy finds a whip and gets eaten by a lion. The end.
Just kidding. We have HOURS of movie left to go.
We have another scene of grown-up Indy teaching in his classroom. He still loves writing one word at a time on the board, he still has girls in love with him in his class, Marcus keeps coming into his classroom right before the bell rings. Shake it up a little bit, Spielberg.
And shake it up he does, because then we get a scene that shows that Indy’s students have some gripes with Indy. So he sneaks out a window under the watchful eye of what we can only assume at this point is a Nazi or Sean Connery. Or I guess just some dudes who bring Indy to a meeting with a guy who is also totally into archaeological artifacts. The Holy Grail! Someone alert Dan Brown because I think he totally missed this movie.
So Indy sets off to find the most precious artifact of all, his father. I go off to give my dad a call. I talk to my mom for five minutes but now it’s back to the movie. In the time in which I was gone Indy found some sort of hot librarian who is willing to dig holes in library floors for the sake of adventure.
Someone releases a lot of rats into the library hole but not before Indy makes some sort of important discovery. Look, Indy seems to have things under control so I’m going to go back out on the deck for awhile.
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