a dollar for your thoughts

Well, it is nearly impossible for me to pass by a dollar store without going in. I usually find something I want or need (wanting or needing it is usually measured against the fact that the item is only a dollar). Plus, have you ever looked closely at things in a dollar store? They are HILARIOUS.

So today I went to the dollar store, and made a list of the funny things I saw. Maybe it will become a recurring segment as I work my way through the dollar stores of the southeast. I only had 15 minutes before the dollar store closed, so maybe these items aren’t the epitome of hilarity. But these are the kinds of things I love about dollar stores.

--Noah’s Ark figurine toys. These looked kind of rubbery, and they were appropriate for kids 3 and up, I think. You got like 7 things in the package so that you could relive the story of Noah whenever you wanted. Of course you got Noah and Mrs. Noah. Then you got one pig. One pig! Noah gets credit for saving all the animals and all that the package deigned to include was one pig! So what else was in the package you ask? Bananas, bread, a bag of flour, carrots and/or corn (the items differed from every package). I mean, I know they had food on the ship, but good luck reenacting that whole two-by-two animal thing. Based on this play set, you would think that Noah was running a little grocery store or something.

--Potting soil. Nothing funny about that right? But consider that it was located on the shelf under the FAKE FLOWERS. Ponder that for awhile!

--Gummy candy. It didn’t look like gummy candy at first. It was in that old-timey looking popcorn container, like if you got popcorn at the circus. The gummy candy was shaped like popcorn, and the flavors inside the box were strawberry, watermelon, apple and…POPCORN. I guess this is designed to appeal to those people who eat gummy candy and think, hey I really wish I was eating popcorn. Or vice versa.

--Smiley face erasers. These came in a little baggie, I think you got 25 for a dollar. But none of them had smiley faces. They had straight lines for mouths. Maybe it was a statement on how no one smiles anymore.

--“Magic Beast Grow.” Okay, this one didn’t end up as funny as I first thought it was, when I read it as “Magic Breast Grow.” It was a circus animal that’s like an inch big, and then you put it in water and it grows 400%!! Then I found one that would grow 600%!!! I almost got one, but I just don’t have room in the apartment for something that could grow to 600% of its original size. I don’t care if it’s only one inch to start with.

--Speaking of things I almost bought, there’s this guy named Chef Mario, and he has a line of gag food items. It’s called Scretchghetti and Critters, and Chef Mario has cooked up a ton of critters for our prank playing enjoyment. You can get spaghetti topped with rats, earthworms and bugs that I could not even identify!

--A jumbo chalk compass. So anal-retentive kids can draw perfect circles when they’re outside playing.

Well, that’s all I had time to find. I ended up buying a pack of plastic forks to take to the office so I don’t have to wash real forks (I’m real lazy now). Guess how many came in the package? 51! Why do you think it was such a weirdly odd number? I don’t have any suggestions.