My week with the pope

Have you been feeling popetacular in the past 24 hours? Do you feel the popetastic vibes in the air? Benedict XVI (or as I call him, B-16 Bomber) is in America! Now, he has a pretty packed schedule, what with mass in Yankee Stadium and speeches at the U.N. and whatnot. I know this schedule allows for B-16 to have the biggest impact on America and to see the most Catholics. But what I wanted to do was imagine what would happen if Benny was just here to visit me. This schedule has to assume that I don’t have to go to work for the rest of the week. Here is what we would do:

April 15
4:00 p.m.—The pope arrives. A very quiet evening—perhaps a walk in the park, and then the pope goes to bed early because he might be jet-lagged. Plus, we have to get up early in the morning to begin our jam-packed week.

April 16
7:00 a.m.—We go for a speed walk in the park, because a papal visit is no excuse to ignore one’s exercise. Then we go back and take showers.
8:30—Go to Krispy Kreme. Wait for the red light to go on and eat some warm and fresh doughnuts.
9:15-3:30—Driving tour of Atlanta in the pope-mobile. I will show B-16 all my favorite spots; stop at a barbeque restaurant for lunch.
4:00—Go to a happy hour for a few cocktails. Pope and I discuss my spiritual health, what heaven is like, etc.
7:00—Oh my, where did the time go? We are a bit tipsy at this point and go grab some dinner (probably Italian).
9:00-?—We stay out, go to a bar. I attempt to get the pope drunk to tell me weird Vatican secrets. Crazy late night. Go to Waffle House.

April 17
7:00—Even though we were up to the wee hours talking about the secrets of St. Peter’s, Popey and I still get up early. We go eat fried chicken and waffles for breakfast.
8:00—Go to Georgia Aquarium, which is the biggest in the universe or something.
12:00—We go to Lenox Food Court, where the pope helps me with the Great Food Court Project. We both eat at Chick-fil-a and talk about how hard it is to get chicken nuggets in Rome.
1-4:00—Pope wants to do some high-end shopping (he’s very stylish!)
4-5:00—Nap.
5-7:00—Margaritas by the pool.
7-9:00—Leisurely dinner. (Mexican?)
9:00—Play pub trivia at a local bar (2nd place!)
11:00—Come home and watch the television we recorded while we were at trivia. B-16 has totally been jonesing for new Grey’s Anatomy since the drought caused by the writer’s strike.

April 18
7:00—We eat biscuits and gravy for breakfast
8:00-1:00—We go to Six Flags and ride roller coasters til the pope gets a little too dizzy. He claims to see God on some of them.
1:15—Go to the Varsity for hot dogs.
2:00—Take the CNN Studio Tour. The pope and I do that thing at the end where you get a souvenir video of yourself reading the news. Just for kicks, we do it in funny voices and the pope does it in several languages.
5:00—We go to the place down the road where you can paint pottery and then have it fired. We primarily stick to things like chalices and other things we can give to churches.
7:00—Okay, at this point, I need to stop being so selfish with the pope. I host a small party at my apartment so that our nation’s dignitaries can meet and greet the pope. The dignitaries that I particularly hope to attract to this party include John Cusack, Barack Obama, Pete Seeger, Stephen Colbert, Bruce Springsteen, Lee Pace, John Krasinski, Albert Brooks, George Clooney and Tom Russell. I mean, I don’t expect everyone to be able to make it. I’m shooting for 60 percent.

After a wine and cheese reception, then a lovely dinner, we all go over to Stone Mountain and watch the laser show. Then we come back to the apartment and the party continues. It goes til very late and approximately 167 bottles of wine are consumed. A fight breaks out when some of the dreamy actors argue about who gets to go out with me. The pope settles it with a prayer.

April 19
7:00—We have cinnamon rolls for breakfast
8-10: We go to the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library and have a private conversation with Jimmy Carter. They get in an argument about religion. It’s awkward.
10-1: Go to the World of Coke. We try all the Cokes. The pope prays for forgiveness for the countries that have made crappy-tasting Coke.
1-2: we have a picnic in the park
2-4: We do Civil War-related things, like the Cyclorama and the Margaret Mitchell House.
4-8: We go to the Braves game, and the pope does that whole mass at a baseball stadium thing, because apparently he’s into that.
Rest of the evening: We are feeling kind of tired so we just get some Chinese takeout, make a Funfetti cake, and kick back and watch some movies.

April 20
9:00—We slept in. Decide to skip church.
9:15--We go get some pancakes.
10:15— Pope and I go to coffee shop to read magazines.
11:15—Go swimming
12:30—Burgers and beer for lunch.
1:30—Go for a walk, nail down all the spiritual issues that we’ve been discussing over the week.
2:30—Bookstore browsing.
3:30—go to a bar, and just hang out. Pope is getting sad because he knows he has to leave soon. We play pool.
6-8: We have a very elegant dinner at an undisclosed location. Undisclosed because I’m not sure what the height of Atlanta luxury is in terms of dinner locations.
8 pm—Pope has to leave for Rome. But we totally promise to write and call and stay in touch.

Well, I guess that’s about it. Benedict XVI, if you happen to read this, it’s not too late! I can totally squeeze this down a little bit and we can make this plan happen!

Endnote: I just tried to make a hilarious doctored photograph that would make it look like the B-16 Bomber had his arm around me. But it’s not working. So just imagine it.