Miley Cyrus is really bringing me down.

You know, I wasn’t going to write about this, because it doesn’t seem like a nice thing to complain about a teenager.

But it has been hard to gather up the energy to blog lately, ever since it was announced that Miley Cyrus was going to make a gazillion dollars to write her memoirs.

Now, I have problems with most actors, singers, artists, etc who are younger than me, because it makes me feel like I’m unaccomplished and behind in life somehow. I also don’t like celebrities who are hyphenates, i.e. singers who are actors or vice versa. So unfortunately, Miley Cyrus offends me on two levels already.

But look. This kind of offends me as a writer, and I can’t think of a single 15-year-old who would have an interesting memoir. I don’t care if you’re Hannah Montana or not.

I’ve given it some thought, and this is the only memoir by a fifteen-year-old that I would read:
Chapter 1: What it’s like to be the product of immaculate conception
Chapter 2: “The Second Lindbergh Baby”: What It Was Like to be Kidnapped by the Russian Mob.
Chapter 3: How I crawled away from Russian mobsters and ended up on the front steps of the White House with the help of talking animals.
Chapter 4: Government secrets I learned at the age of 3 in the White House
Chapter 5: The bitter custody battle: why four countries and six celebrities fought over who was going to raise me.
Chapter 6: The Years with Magical Nanny Mary Poppins
Chapter 7: How John Cusack taught me how to read on the set of the movie that we both won Academy Awards for.
Chapter 8: My balloon trip around the world at the age of seven
Chapter 9: My 10th birthday party in Las Vegas
Chapter 10: Olympic Gold!
Chapter 11: Middle school…it’s no fun for anyone, but helping to cure cancer made it kinda okay for me.
Chapter 12: The youngest winner of Project Runway and American Idol: How I was able to win both shows simultaneously without annoying the world.
Chapter 13: My romance with Doogie Howser, M.D.
Chapter 14: Gossip about famous people I know.
Chapter 15: Foods that are delicious.
Chapter 16: Things I’ve invented that have improved humanity
Chapter 17: My search for my real parents (Are you there God? It's me, Margaret)
Chapter 18: Miley Cyrus has a weird mouth and I’m so sick of scandals that involve her being scantily clad.
Chapter 19: I understand that writing a book when you’re 15 years old is kinda disgusting, but really, don’t you think I have had a really interesting life so far? Much more interesting than Miley Cyrus?

Now that’s a book I would read.