Monday, November 26, 2007

Here be dragons

Today Dad and I went to Dragon China for lunch. I had General Tso's chicken. Do you ever go have Chinese with people, and they're always asking who General Tso is? That seems to happen to me a lot. That's why I included the link. But General Tso never even had this chicken, so I am sad for him.

The real point of this post comes down to fortune cookies. My dad got a fortune that said, "You will have an almost perfect day. Enjoy it." I got a fortune that said, "Here we go. Low fat whole wheat green tea."

That's all it said.

Now, I am a person who enjoys making decisions based on horoscopes and fortunes and the like. So things like this really throw me into a tailspin of doubt and confusion. I got back to the office and Googled the fortune, only to find lots of other blogs with people complaining about this fortune. But no one knows what it means! So here is a list of what it could possibly mean.

Possible meanings for "Here we go. Low fat whole wheat green tea."
1. I am going to die within 24 hours. Antidote: low-fat whole wheat green tea
2. I am going to die within 24 hours due to exposure to phrase low fat whole wheat green tea. I am hypnotized and don't even know it.
3. I will increase my Google hits by repeating the phrase "Low fat whole wheat green tea." Someone will discover me and I will become very famous.
4. The phrase is a code for where drugs are hidden. I will increase my Google hits by repeating the phrase "Low fat whole wheat green tea." The drug lords will hunt me down and kill me.
5. I must go on a mission to find this product. I will either die or become famous for my efforts.
6. I should start a low fat whole wheat green tea business.
7. Why is the tea whole wheat? I don't understand that part.
8. I should start a blog dedicated to low fat whole wheat green tea.
9. Is the "we" in this fortune me and God? Fortune cookies are written by God, right? Where are we "going"?
10. I will bleed low fat whole wheat green tea. Will not be able to get blood transfusions. Might die.
11. I must fast on low fat whole wheat green tea. Must complete #5 first.
12. Low fat whole wheat green tea=fountain of youth?
13. Low fat whole wheat green tea=poison?
14. Horoscopes have been affected by the writers' strike.
15. I am going to marry someone named low fat whole wheat green tea.
16. Low fat whole wheat green tea will become the world's new currency.
17. Stock tip: buy low fat whole wheat green tea.
18. After apocalypse, pockets of low fat whole wheat green tea will still exist. Stock up now.
19. Anything is possible if you imagine it so.
20. That fortune is a tracking device and bobcats might find me and eat me.
21. Marie Osmond might win Dancing with the Stars.
22. I am dehydrated.

Please let me know if you have any insight into this fortune.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I got the same fortune this week and was equally perplexed. Your list is quite amazing, though I might add "We (the human race) are going to become low fat, whole wheat green tea in an effort to save us from extinction."

Eugene said...

Remarkable. A colleague in our office just emailed this exact fortune asking the same question, "What does this mean?" Predictably, all productive activities ceased to allow everyone to conduct their own Google research.

I have a different theory.

Cynically, I believe there are sinister forces behind this. Call me a conspiracy theorist if you must, but here it goes: The Chinese are clever. Their meteoric economic growth is testimony to this. This seemingly nonsensical phrase is intentionally designed to undermine American economic productivity. Think of the legions of American offices paralyzed and stumped by this seemingly innocuous and unintelligible phrase. The beauty of it is that the Chinese are completely immune to its effects. It narrowly targets an English reading audience. The sheer genius of it all! When one starts adding all the little pieces of the puzzle together, very clearly, this could only have sprung from diabolical and malevolent intentions.