The Goat Who Thought He Was a Dog, Version 10

Dan was a ninth-grader at Mountain Town High School. He excelled in the sciences and wanted to be a doctor someday. His biology teacher, Mr. Fezziwig, was his favorite teacher, and biology was the one class of the day where Dan could forget his problems and have confidence in himself.

There was only one time other than biology when Dan could forget his problems, and that was when he was hanging out with his goat, Chester. Chester was a goat who thought he was a dog, and he was Dan’s steady companion. They’d take walks around the lake and play fetch, and Chester was a loyal friend to Dan. Dan liked to feed Chester lollipops, which Chester would eat, stick and all.

Mr. Fezziwig, Dan’s favorite teacher, was an alcoholic who drank away the money from the school that he was supposed to use to buy fetal pigs for dissection. Despondent, and worried about disappointing his promising students by not having the famous ninth-grade biology dissection, Mr. Fezziwig went out on the town to try and find a solution to this problem.

Mr. Fezziwig tried, with no luck, to trap some squirrels. Then he tried to steal mean old Mrs. Hensley’s cat, because no one liked her, but the cat was just as mean as she was. Then he came upon a goat, sleeping in Dan Taylor’s backyard. Too drunk to see the collar around Chester’s neck, he killed the goat and took it to the school.

Dan was worried when Chester didn’t show up for breakfast, but thought his goat was probably just out eating some grass. When he got to biology, though, he had to watch in horror as Mr. Fezziwig dissected his goat. At first, he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t Chester, but when Mr. Fezziwig was showing the students the four-chambered stomach, Dan got a glimpse of lollipop sticks and knew what had happened.

After that day, Dan gave up his dream to be a doctor, and a year later he dropped out of school altogether. He became a drunk like Mr. Fezziwig and slept on a park bench.