Last year, I presented an extremely successful and accurate way to complete your March Madness bracket. I’m sure that way still works, but there’s a certain fluidity in sports that really requires figuring out new methods of bracketology each year. Whatever that means. Anyways, here is the Molly-approved method of filling out your 2009 March Madness bracket:
My methodology this year is based on how fun it is to watch people fight. A shocking statement, you say? Well, what is sports but individuals and teams meeting in a form of combat? But what if, instead of thinking of these college teams as groups of individuals worthy of their own merit, we thought of them as more interesting famous people?
Here is what I mean. I took the first letter of every team as it was written on the bracket that I downloaded from ESPN. Then, I thought of a famous male (since we’re doing men’s basketball) with a last name that began with that letter. I didn’t know what famous man I was assigning to each team. Here’s how the teams shaped up.
Louisville --> John Lennon
Morehead St. --> Karl Marx
Ohio State --> Roy Orbison
Siena --> William Shakespeare
Utah --> Bill Paxton (I couldn’t think of any last names that started with U, so I went with Paxton, because Utah=Mormons and Paxton plays a Mormon. This was one of the few exceptions in which I knew what man symbolized which team)
Arizona --> Neil Armstrong
Wake Forest --> Steve Wozniak
Cleveland --> Stephen Colbert
West Virginia --> Walt Whitman
Dayton --> Charles Darwin
Kansas --> Henry Kissinger
North Dakota State --> Richard Nixon
Boston College --> Rod Blagojevich
USC --> Socrates (I couldn’t think of any last names that started with U, so I went with the “S” instead)
Michigan St. --> Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Robert Morris --> Joseph Ratzinger
Connecticut --> Dana Carvey
Chattanooga --> Coolio
BYU --> Beethoven
Texas A&M --> John Travolta
Purdue --> Brad Pitt
Northern Iowa --> Nero
Washington --> George Washington
Mississippi St. --> Nicolo Machiavelli
Marquette --> Monet
Utah State --> Romney (See the note about Bill Paxton)
Missouri --> Mussolini
Cornell --> George Clooney
California --> Winston Churchill
Maryland --> Moses
Memphis --> Bernie Madoff
Cal State Northridge --> Bill Cosby
Pittsburgh --> Pele
East Tennessee State -->Albert Einstein
Oklahoma State --> Barack Obama
Tennessee --> Donald Trump
Florida State --> Sigmund Freud
Wisconsin --> Bruce Willis
Xavier --> Malcolm X
Portland State --> Pablo Picasso
UCLA --> Elvis Costello (U was really really hard! Went with the next letter on this one)
VCU -->Martin Van Buren
Villanova --> Vincent Van Gogh
American --> Aesop
Texas --> Harry Truman
Minnesota --> Nelson Mandela
Duke --> Charles Dickens
Binghamton --> Napoleon Bonaparte
North Carolina --> Noah
Radford --> Ronald Reagan
LSU --> David Letterman
Butler --> Bono
Illinois --> Henrik Ibsen
Western Kentucky --> Andy Warhol
Gonzaga --> Bill Gates
Akron --> Johnny Appleseed
Arizona State --> Andre Agassi
Temple --> Leo Tolstoy
Syracuse --> Bruce Springsteen
Stephen F. Austin --> Patrick Swayze
Clemson --> Jesus Christ
Michigan --> Barry Manilow
Oklahoma --> Laurence Olivier
Morgan State --> Maharishi
Now, when I assigned famous men to each letter, I kept them in the order that the teams were placed on the bracket. Then, I filled out my bracket based on what would happen if the two men fought. This was not just a matter of randomly picking names, guys. This involved laying on my floor and very clearly imagining a physical fight between the two contenders.
Here’s how Round One went.
In the Midwest division, Marx trumps Lennon cause Lennon won’t fight as a pacifist. Shakespeare trumps Orbison because while Shakespeare is a little effeminate, at least he’s not blind. Neil Armstrong easily takes Bill Paxton while Colbert defeats Wozniak in a close contest. Darwin takes Walt Whitman by beating Whitman with a turtle. In one of the strangest Round One match-ups, Nixon takes Kissinger. Socrates beats Blagojevich though it’s a very close contest, as Blago never answers a question straight and that pisses the hell out of Socrates. Last, Joseph Ratziner, the man known now as Pope Benedict, takes Mozart because Mozart is weird. You’ve seen Amadeus, right?
In the West, we have two past-their-prime stars dueling, but Coolio is able to pull it out over Dana Carvey, who is too busy doing impressions from the early 1990’s to put up an adequate fight against Coolio’s Fantastic Voyage to victory. Beethoven takes Travolta because he’s not bogged down by the “religion” that starts with the letter S that is known as being very litigious. Nero plays his fiddle around Brad Pitt for the win, while in a very close match, George Washington’s brute strength outtakes Machiavelli’s cunning. It also helps that Machiavelli only sent mercenaries to do the job. Tsk tsk. Romney beats Monet, probably the one person he can beat. Mussolini beats the dapper Clooney, who, while being against everything Mussolini stands for, can’t stand to get hit in that beautiful face. Moses takes out Winston Churchill because of the all-powerful God Factor. Bill Cosby takes out Bernie Madoff cause Madoff is in jail.
Off to some exciting match-ups in the East! Pele has a strong kick, but Einstein knows all about the physics behind the kick and is able to pull out a win. Obama tells Trump, “you’re fired.” Bruce Willis takes out Freud who barely bothered to get up off his couch for the fight, while Malcolm X defeats Picasso. Elvis Costello is just punk enough to get past Van Buren, though the Vans have a win when Van Gogh takes out Aesop. Harry Truman, the man who dropped an atomic bomb, has an easy win over Nelson Mandela, while Bonaparte’s battlefield experience easily overpowers that pansy Charles Dickens.
In the South: Noah (of ark fame) takes out Reagan due to the God Factor (take that conservative Christians!). Bono defeats Letterman just because Letterman can’t be bothered to care. In a bizarre match-up, Warhol takes Ibsen. Bill Gates defeats Johnny Appleseed just by dropping money on him, Tolstoy defeats Agassi, and Springsteen defeats Patrick Swayze because I unfortunately imagined present-day, cancer-fighting Swayze, and not in-his-prime, ass-kicking Swayze. Next year, Swayze. In the easiest match so far, Jesus Christ beats Barry Manilow. The Maharishi takes out Laurence Olivier.
The second round doesn’t really hold any surprises, but the third round is where things start shaping up. Some highlights:
--Charles Darwin faces the Pope. The Pope loses. Critics say that if the fighting pope had been John Paul II, then maybe Darwin would have lost. This pope is just not as powerful. I take that to mean that the team represented by Ratzinger (Robert Morris) was probably better in other years.
--God’s right hand men fare better elsewhere, such as in the west where Moses defeats fascism by taking out Mussolini.
--Bono faces his African aid relief partner when he faces off against Bill Gates. Bono wins, because he has the cooler glasses and the power of rock and roll.
Those highlights lay the groundwork for the Elite Eight. In which:
--Colbert finally admits defeat to Darwin.
--Washington cedes to Moses (God factor)
--Bruce Willis takes out Bonaparte in a very hard-fought match, but as it turns out, Bruce Willis really does die hard.
--Two men with Messiah complexes meet when Bono faces Christ in the South. Obviously, Christ wins, but the crowd could just not believe the symbolism.
To take a step back, Darwin, Moses, Willis and Christ are going to the final four. Those real life teams are: Dayton, Maryland, Wisconsin and Clemson. Sure, that may be a far cry from what all the statisticians are telling you….but did they consider what would happen if men with last names beginning with the same letter as the team fought in my imagination? Of course they didn’t.
In the final four, Darwin defeats Moses cause Moses is soooooooo old testament. Christ defeats Willis. That means the big game will be between Darwin and Christ. I know, my mind is blown too! I can’t even decide who wins…..evolution or the bible. So, I won’t tell you. Decide for yourself and fill out your brackets accordingly. You can thank me when either Dayton or Clemson win the whole tournament. Cause I guarantee you’ll be the only person who picked those teams.
Showing posts with label current events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label current events. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
i could have danced all night
Man oh man. What an Inauguration Day. We got to take a little pause from work and watch the swearing-in and the speeches. People in the office broke into applause after Obama took the oath of office and then you could have heard a pin drop while Obama gave his speech. What a moment.
But now I am home and on the couch and watching all the commentators re-live the day. And the Obamas are going to TEN balls! I would be happy just to go to one ball in a big poofy dress but they are going to TEN! So I decided to make a list ten balls that I would like to go to:
1. Pope Ball
This would be a ball held in Vatican City. The Pope sits in a chair and watches everyone dance. All the males have to come dressed as their favorite pope. Or they get assigned a pope, because we don't want everyone coming as just John Paul II or something. Maybe it would be creepy to dance with a man dressed as a pope; after all, they are supposed to be celibate. But I think I would get over it. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type wore in the Renaissance.
2. Southern Belle Ball
By this I mean a ball that takes place in the south. I know I live in Atlanta, so it's not inconceivable that I could go to such a ball one day. But I'd like the ball to take place in pre-Civil War times, ideally. I am pretty much modeling this idea on a few scenes in Gone with the Wind. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type worn in the pre-war south.
3. Underwater Ball
I keep hearing about these snazzy restaurants where you eat in enclosed glass while fish swim all around you. This would be a ball like that. Where you dance in glass surrounded by fish. But only pretty fish. No scary fish. Nothing like eels or anything. Requested attire: Whatever dress you want.
4. Art Museum Ball
I was thinking of some awesome art museums in Europe that would be fun to have a party in. So just a ball where people get to run around in an art museum. Particularly one with sculpture all around. And you can say things like, "Darling, go get me a class of wine and I will wait for you by the Monet." Requested attire: an outfit that has actually been in a painting.
5. Castle Ball
I guess this is sort of obvious. But what would really make this ideal is if we still lived in the kind of world where there was really a chance of meeting a prince and becoming princess and have it mean something. If there was still really that stress of producing male heirs to continue the monarchy. I can't decide what time period I'd want, or even what monarchy I want to marry into. But basically a big ol' royalty ball.
6. North Pole Ball
This would be an outside ball. It would be all snowy, but not uncomfortably cold. There are a ton of elves, both male and female, so that you always have someone to dance with. Santa dances with all the ladies. You get presents at this ball. You arrive at this ball in a sleigh. I know these aren't Christmas per se, but if some adorable creatures could scamper around during the dancing, that would be ideal.
7. Cheese Ball
Picture a huge cheese wheel. Like the hugest cheese wheel you've ever seen. Now picture it 29384093840293840 percent bigger…so big that we could carve out the middle of it and have a circular cheese wall big enough for people to dance in. At the ball they would serve the cheese that was carved out of the middle, but it would also be encouraged to just take pieces of cheese from the wall. Cause the ball is not over until all of the cheese walls are eaten. Requested attire: a big poofy dress that is loose enough to accommodate you eating a lot of cheese.
8. Roller skating ball
You know how fun it is to wear a huge poofy dress? And you know how fun it is to roller skate? Well, COMBINE THE TWO and you have a roller skating ball.
9. Amusement Park Ball
You can dance all over the amusement park. OR YOU CAN RIDE ALL THE RIDES. Also all the concession stands are free during the ball so you can eat lots of hot dogs and funnel cakes.
10. White House Ball
But this isn't an inaugural ball. Oh no. This is a ball where all the dead presidents appear and dance with the living. You can chat them up about what they think about the country now and they try to offer you snacks that were typical of their time. Lincoln would be a total playa at this ball and would always be trying to show the ladies the Lincoln Bedroom.
But now I am home and on the couch and watching all the commentators re-live the day. And the Obamas are going to TEN balls! I would be happy just to go to one ball in a big poofy dress but they are going to TEN! So I decided to make a list ten balls that I would like to go to:
1. Pope Ball
This would be a ball held in Vatican City. The Pope sits in a chair and watches everyone dance. All the males have to come dressed as their favorite pope. Or they get assigned a pope, because we don't want everyone coming as just John Paul II or something. Maybe it would be creepy to dance with a man dressed as a pope; after all, they are supposed to be celibate. But I think I would get over it. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type wore in the Renaissance.
2. Southern Belle Ball
By this I mean a ball that takes place in the south. I know I live in Atlanta, so it's not inconceivable that I could go to such a ball one day. But I'd like the ball to take place in pre-Civil War times, ideally. I am pretty much modeling this idea on a few scenes in Gone with the Wind. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type worn in the pre-war south.
3. Underwater Ball
I keep hearing about these snazzy restaurants where you eat in enclosed glass while fish swim all around you. This would be a ball like that. Where you dance in glass surrounded by fish. But only pretty fish. No scary fish. Nothing like eels or anything. Requested attire: Whatever dress you want.
4. Art Museum Ball
I was thinking of some awesome art museums in Europe that would be fun to have a party in. So just a ball where people get to run around in an art museum. Particularly one with sculpture all around. And you can say things like, "Darling, go get me a class of wine and I will wait for you by the Monet." Requested attire: an outfit that has actually been in a painting.
5. Castle Ball
I guess this is sort of obvious. But what would really make this ideal is if we still lived in the kind of world where there was really a chance of meeting a prince and becoming princess and have it mean something. If there was still really that stress of producing male heirs to continue the monarchy. I can't decide what time period I'd want, or even what monarchy I want to marry into. But basically a big ol' royalty ball.
6. North Pole Ball
This would be an outside ball. It would be all snowy, but not uncomfortably cold. There are a ton of elves, both male and female, so that you always have someone to dance with. Santa dances with all the ladies. You get presents at this ball. You arrive at this ball in a sleigh. I know these aren't Christmas per se, but if some adorable creatures could scamper around during the dancing, that would be ideal.
7. Cheese Ball
Picture a huge cheese wheel. Like the hugest cheese wheel you've ever seen. Now picture it 29384093840293840 percent bigger…so big that we could carve out the middle of it and have a circular cheese wall big enough for people to dance in. At the ball they would serve the cheese that was carved out of the middle, but it would also be encouraged to just take pieces of cheese from the wall. Cause the ball is not over until all of the cheese walls are eaten. Requested attire: a big poofy dress that is loose enough to accommodate you eating a lot of cheese.
8. Roller skating ball
You know how fun it is to wear a huge poofy dress? And you know how fun it is to roller skate? Well, COMBINE THE TWO and you have a roller skating ball.
9. Amusement Park Ball
You can dance all over the amusement park. OR YOU CAN RIDE ALL THE RIDES. Also all the concession stands are free during the ball so you can eat lots of hot dogs and funnel cakes.
10. White House Ball
But this isn't an inaugural ball. Oh no. This is a ball where all the dead presidents appear and dance with the living. You can chat them up about what they think about the country now and they try to offer you snacks that were typical of their time. Lincoln would be a total playa at this ball and would always be trying to show the ladies the Lincoln Bedroom.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
a room with a view
In the vice-presidential debate, Joe Biden told a sad story about a man who didn't know how much it cost to fill up his gas tank because he never had enough money to do it. But do you know what's even sadder? Not being able to fill up your gas taken because there's not enough gas. And that's been the situation in the southeast for awhile now. We have no gas, no gas at all.
But my company has turned a negative into a positive by allowing me to work from home for three days a week for two weeks. Last week was the first week and I can tell you that working from home is awesome. If you stay out too late at the Jenny Lewis concert, like I did, you can sleep in, because you don't have to drive to work! You can sit near a window instead of inside a sunlight-free cubicle! You can wear whatever! And I happen to get loads more work done because I can pace around and think, or stretch out on the floor while I research and write. I love working from home.
If I had to work from home all the time, I think I'd get sad because I'd be lonely. But last week I met a few coworkers for lunch and I had the extra special benefit of having my editor Katie come over to my apartment to use my internet. Now Katie has been in two blog entries in a row! And she is inspiring content, because after living in my world for three days, here are the things she thought I should blog about:
1. Halloween costumes.
Katie has a real problem with my past Halloween costumes. Like one year, I wore a black dress and sunglasses and pinned a piece of paper reading "June 14" to the dress. I was a blind date. Get it? So hilarious…to me. No one else that night really liked it and neither did Katie. Katie also didn't like the idea of my costume in which I wore a pink sweatsuit and tied a shoe to my clothes. That costume was gum under a shoe. I never actually did this next one, but I want to sometime: I would wear a black sweatsuit and attach cars to it. I would put a yellow piece down the center of myself and be the highway. Katie thinks that idea sucks also. She looked at me with pity in her eyes, so I tried to redeem myself by saying, "Well, what about a sexy highway?" Cause if you're a girl, just make your Halloween costume sexy and you're totally fine. I think that was my mistake with gum under the shoe. Not sexy enough.
2. Grocery lists
Katie happened to look inside my refrigerator, as well as see a few grocery lists on my fridge---
Grocery list #1 read: pretzels, butter, 3 boxes of waffles.
Grocery list #2 read: pretzels, bread, soda, frozen food, waffles (lots)
Katie wants to submit these lists to that artist who creates characters based on shopping lists that she finds. She wants to find out what the artist would make of someone who eats so many waffles. I just love toaster waffles, okay? I wish my fridge was bigger just so I could fit more boxes of waffles in there! I eat waffles almost every meal!
Now my secret is out. I eat too many waffles. And the only other thing in my fridge is beer.
3. More mundane blogs; treat my blog like more of a friend.
Those were Katie's tips on how I should be writing this blog. For example, we went to lunch and I had this chocolate cupcake with raspberry icing. I was just raving about this cupcake and here's how Katie said the blog should go:
"Dear Diary. Today I had a cupcake with raspberry icing. It was delicious. Talk to you tomorrow, Diary."
Here was another entry she thought I should write:
"Dear Diary. Today I wore a hooded sweatshirt. It was comfy. Well, see you around, Diary."
I don't know if this helps, but you have to imagine the entries read in a really high-pitched voice. A high-pitched voice reading extremely mundane details, in combination with both a greeting and a farewell to the diary. Katie believes this would be more enjoyable as well as increase the number of posts that I make. And she is a professional editor. But sometimes I don't take all her edits. Ha ha! Editors love it when you make jokes like that!
But my company has turned a negative into a positive by allowing me to work from home for three days a week for two weeks. Last week was the first week and I can tell you that working from home is awesome. If you stay out too late at the Jenny Lewis concert, like I did, you can sleep in, because you don't have to drive to work! You can sit near a window instead of inside a sunlight-free cubicle! You can wear whatever! And I happen to get loads more work done because I can pace around and think, or stretch out on the floor while I research and write. I love working from home.
If I had to work from home all the time, I think I'd get sad because I'd be lonely. But last week I met a few coworkers for lunch and I had the extra special benefit of having my editor Katie come over to my apartment to use my internet. Now Katie has been in two blog entries in a row! And she is inspiring content, because after living in my world for three days, here are the things she thought I should blog about:
1. Halloween costumes.
Katie has a real problem with my past Halloween costumes. Like one year, I wore a black dress and sunglasses and pinned a piece of paper reading "June 14" to the dress. I was a blind date. Get it? So hilarious…to me. No one else that night really liked it and neither did Katie. Katie also didn't like the idea of my costume in which I wore a pink sweatsuit and tied a shoe to my clothes. That costume was gum under a shoe. I never actually did this next one, but I want to sometime: I would wear a black sweatsuit and attach cars to it. I would put a yellow piece down the center of myself and be the highway. Katie thinks that idea sucks also. She looked at me with pity in her eyes, so I tried to redeem myself by saying, "Well, what about a sexy highway?" Cause if you're a girl, just make your Halloween costume sexy and you're totally fine. I think that was my mistake with gum under the shoe. Not sexy enough.
2. Grocery lists
Katie happened to look inside my refrigerator, as well as see a few grocery lists on my fridge---
Grocery list #1 read: pretzels, butter, 3 boxes of waffles.
Grocery list #2 read: pretzels, bread, soda, frozen food, waffles (lots)
Katie wants to submit these lists to that artist who creates characters based on shopping lists that she finds. She wants to find out what the artist would make of someone who eats so many waffles. I just love toaster waffles, okay? I wish my fridge was bigger just so I could fit more boxes of waffles in there! I eat waffles almost every meal!
Now my secret is out. I eat too many waffles. And the only other thing in my fridge is beer.
3. More mundane blogs; treat my blog like more of a friend.
Those were Katie's tips on how I should be writing this blog. For example, we went to lunch and I had this chocolate cupcake with raspberry icing. I was just raving about this cupcake and here's how Katie said the blog should go:
"Dear Diary. Today I had a cupcake with raspberry icing. It was delicious. Talk to you tomorrow, Diary."
Here was another entry she thought I should write:
"Dear Diary. Today I wore a hooded sweatshirt. It was comfy. Well, see you around, Diary."
I don't know if this helps, but you have to imagine the entries read in a really high-pitched voice. A high-pitched voice reading extremely mundane details, in combination with both a greeting and a farewell to the diary. Katie believes this would be more enjoyable as well as increase the number of posts that I make. And she is a professional editor. But sometimes I don't take all her edits. Ha ha! Editors love it when you make jokes like that!
Monday, September 15, 2008
not every idea is a winner
Sometimes I have ideas for blog entries that don’t always make it to the blog for one reason or another. Sometimes they exist better as ideas and nebulous concepts, so I abandon them, or sometimes I get too lazy and I abandon them. Here are some recent ideas that did not make it to the blog in full post form, but seem sorta worth mentioning:
Idea 1: Passive-aggressive notes to myself
Last week at work, we had a burst of excitement when people started leaving passive-aggressive notes in the ladies bathroom about the use of air freshener. The office was abuzz. Who was left the note? Then the counter-notes started appearing. It was so funny. Passive-aggressiveness in the workplaces is one of my favorite things ever. I found it so funny, in fact, that I thought a good blog entry would be writing passive-aggressive notes to myself, and then leaving them around my apartment, and then taking pictures to show how funny passive-aggressive notes can be. I wrote up a few, but then I realized that pictures of passive-aggressive notes written to myself wouldn’t look very funny. It would look, in fact, like I had a mental illness.
Idea 2: More Olympics Stuff
I actually had a ton of Olympics blog ideas that I never got around to because time slipped away from me, and next thing I knew, the Olympics were over. But here’s one that I started a little bit…I was going to give Olympic medals to some people and things other than athletes. So far, I had come up with this:
Interestingly Named Presidents
Gold – Abraham Lincoln
Silver – Millard Fillmore
Bronze – Grover Cleveland, Rutherford B. Hayes (tie)
Handsomest Vice-Presidents
Gold – Thomas Hendricks
Silver – Levi Morton
Bronze – Charles Dawes
Breakfast Meats
Gold – Sausage
Silver – Bacon
Bronze - Fried chicken
Features of Microsoft Word that have the tendency to annoy me
Gold – Bullets, when they get all funky
Silver – That little paragraph symbol that puts all the dots between the words
Bronze – When letters get automatically capitalized or rearranged in a way I don’t want
That didn’t really seem like enough to post in and of itself, and then the Olympics were over, and that file lay dormant until now.
Idea 3: Cooking without Colanders
I tried to make some spaghetti, but I forgot that I gave my old colander to Goodwill before I moved to Atlanta, and I never bought another one. I was going to write about my misadventures realizing halfway through the spaghetti process that I was sans colander. I came up with the line, “my emotions were drained like I wish my spaghetti would be,” and “I feel like my heart is the thing that went through the sieve,” but that’s about all I had. And as it turns out, the process didn’t end up all that bad. The spaghetti was a little watery but probably not worth its own entry.
Idea 4: Hurricanes
I was going to write something about how they name hurricanes. When I was a little kid, I always wanted there to be a Hurricane Molly going through somewhere. But I got particularly upset about the name of Hurricane Ike, because it made me think of our beloved 34th president, Dwight D. Eisenhower. Whenever I saw a headline like, “Ike ravages coast” or whatever, I just got confused and offended on behalf of the Eisenhower estate. It seemed like the headlines were reporting major foreign policy fiascos of the 1950s, such as the headline, “Ike gives Cuba final kick and moves on.” But I didn’t end up writing this, except in this very shortened form, because once Ike started doing serious damage, it seemed too flippant.
Idea 1: Passive-aggressive notes to myself
Last week at work, we had a burst of excitement when people started leaving passive-aggressive notes in the ladies bathroom about the use of air freshener. The office was abuzz. Who was left the note? Then the counter-notes started appearing. It was so funny. Passive-aggressiveness in the workplaces is one of my favorite things ever. I found it so funny, in fact, that I thought a good blog entry would be writing passive-aggressive notes to myself, and then leaving them around my apartment, and then taking pictures to show how funny passive-aggressive notes can be. I wrote up a few, but then I realized that pictures of passive-aggressive notes written to myself wouldn’t look very funny. It would look, in fact, like I had a mental illness.
Idea 2: More Olympics Stuff
I actually had a ton of Olympics blog ideas that I never got around to because time slipped away from me, and next thing I knew, the Olympics were over. But here’s one that I started a little bit…I was going to give Olympic medals to some people and things other than athletes. So far, I had come up with this:
Interestingly Named Presidents
Gold – Abraham Lincoln
Silver – Millard Fillmore
Bronze – Grover Cleveland, Rutherford B. Hayes (tie)
Handsomest Vice-Presidents
Gold – Thomas Hendricks
Silver – Levi Morton
Bronze – Charles Dawes
Breakfast Meats
Gold – Sausage
Silver – Bacon
Bronze - Fried chicken
Features of Microsoft Word that have the tendency to annoy me
Gold – Bullets, when they get all funky
Silver – That little paragraph symbol that puts all the dots between the words
Bronze – When letters get automatically capitalized or rearranged in a way I don’t want
That didn’t really seem like enough to post in and of itself, and then the Olympics were over, and that file lay dormant until now.
Idea 3: Cooking without Colanders
I tried to make some spaghetti, but I forgot that I gave my old colander to Goodwill before I moved to Atlanta, and I never bought another one. I was going to write about my misadventures realizing halfway through the spaghetti process that I was sans colander. I came up with the line, “my emotions were drained like I wish my spaghetti would be,” and “I feel like my heart is the thing that went through the sieve,” but that’s about all I had. And as it turns out, the process didn’t end up all that bad. The spaghetti was a little watery but probably not worth its own entry.
Idea 4: Hurricanes
I was going to write something about how they name hurricanes. When I was a little kid, I always wanted there to be a Hurricane Molly going through somewhere. But I got particularly upset about the name of Hurricane Ike, because it made me think of our beloved 34th president, Dwight D. Eisenhower. Whenever I saw a headline like, “Ike ravages coast” or whatever, I just got confused and offended on behalf of the Eisenhower estate. It seemed like the headlines were reporting major foreign policy fiascos of the 1950s, such as the headline, “Ike gives Cuba final kick and moves on.” But I didn’t end up writing this, except in this very shortened form, because once Ike started doing serious damage, it seemed too flippant.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
an interview with myself, by myself
Molly 1: Molly, the last time you blogged, there was a giant bug in your apartment! Then you disappeared! For like two weeks! Did the giant bug eat you?
Molly 2: No, I just went on vacation for like 10 days in Seattle and Portland. Then I had a houseguest.
M1: I was so worried and bored when you did not blog!
M2: Your concern was muted.
M1: So much has happened since you’ve been gone!
M2: I know! They have announced not one but two vice-presidential nominees! The Olympics ended! There have been like ten hurricanes!
M1: Well, let’s talk about your vacation. You spoke in your very first blog entry of how much you hate the Atlanta airport, so you must have been dreading that. How was your experience heading out there?
M2: It was like the nicest experience ever! The security people were so nice and funny. The lady at the place I ate was so sweet. There were like, no people there. The departure was one time!
M1: Great! Were you scared to travel, given that there are many news stories about guns in the Atlanta airport and people getting decapitated on buses?
M2: I would be lying if I said I was not mildly concerned.
M1: Okay, let’s jump right into the important questions. Can you name all the meals you ate while you were on vacation?
M2: I sure can! Here is what I had, in the order I had it:
-burger that was made of beef, blue cheese and bacon all mixed together
-sushi
-an omelet and pancakes
-a salad and a wasabi grilled cheese sandwich
-a doughnut
-a slice of pizza and a pesto salad
-clams and a flatbread pizza thing with figs and proscuitto
-a chicken gyro
-a burger made of magical beef
-a ham and cheese sandwich
-an oyster sandwich
-doughnuts
-a breakfast sandwich with proscuitto and cheese and magic
-a Cajun chicken sandwich
-a sandwich made of sage eggs, sausage and avocado, on an English muffin
-a ramen and vegetably thing
-doughnuts
-sausage on an English muffin.
-miso soup and stirfry
-nachos
-pizza (for dinner)
-pizza (for breakfast)
-burrito
M1: Oh my, I can’t believe you remember all that! Your memory is beyond compare! Can you remember all the beverages you consumed?
M2: Oh, of course not, there were too many.
M1: Did you meet any interesting bartenders, though?
M2: Oh yes! In Seattle Matthew and I met a bartender that we both wanted to be best friends with. She gave us Cheez-its and got us really good and drunk!
M1: Did you go back to your old places of employment?
M2: Yep, Matthew and I walked around Old Navy and took pictures in the store. We found the store to be a mess, and we were surprised that some of the security codes still worked, even though it’s years since we worked there. We went into some places we were supposed to go. Then I went to my old office. It was weird that someone else sat in my seat. But I was glad I wasn’t doing that work anymore.
M1: What things happened in Seattle that made you glad that you don’t live there anymore?
M2: First, I would say almost getting run over by a car. Second, I would say the more or less constant deluge of rain. Third, I would repeat what I said above, that seeing my old office made me glad I had a new job.
M1: What did you do to deal with the rain?
M2: Mostly I ate things. For example, I ate cupcakes with Matthew while it rained.
M1: What things made you wish you still lived in the Northwest?
M2: First and foremost, I’d say the people. Second, the bookstores. Third, the reliable public transportation. And also Specialty’s bakery in Seattle.
M1: What did the city of Portland do to welcome you?
M2: They got the symphony to play a free concert in the park with cannons. Then they shot off fireworks.
M1: What things did you win in Portland?
M2: Trivia, foozball.
M1: How many episodes of Weeds did you watch in Portland?
M2: I think like 30.
M1: How many movies did you see on this trip?
M2: Four! I saw The Dark Knight on an IMAX screen, Elegy, Hamlet 2, and Hot Fuzz.
M1: How was the return trip?
M2: I just want to let my readers know that Labor Day is possibly the most miserable day that you can travel. There are too many people, and they all smell funny.
M1: What book did you take out there, and how many pages of it did you read?
M2: I started Middlemarch, but I only read 76 pages of it. It’s kind of a hard book and I have to read most pages twice to make sure I understood. But one guy on the light rail in Portland told me it might steal a little bit of my soul!
M1: What was your greatest accomplishment of the trip?
M2: I bought 15 books and managed to get them all back home.
M1: 15 books! That is insane! I thought you told your mother you weren’t going to buy any more books!
M2: I really don’t remember saying that.
M1: How gracious were all of your hosts?
M2: They were all very gracious!
M1: You said you had a houseguest? What about that?
M2: It seems like a topic for a separate blog entry.
M1: Alrighty then! Looking forward to that!
Molly 2: No, I just went on vacation for like 10 days in Seattle and Portland. Then I had a houseguest.
M1: I was so worried and bored when you did not blog!
M2: Your concern was muted.
M1: So much has happened since you’ve been gone!
M2: I know! They have announced not one but two vice-presidential nominees! The Olympics ended! There have been like ten hurricanes!
M1: Well, let’s talk about your vacation. You spoke in your very first blog entry of how much you hate the Atlanta airport, so you must have been dreading that. How was your experience heading out there?
M2: It was like the nicest experience ever! The security people were so nice and funny. The lady at the place I ate was so sweet. There were like, no people there. The departure was one time!
M1: Great! Were you scared to travel, given that there are many news stories about guns in the Atlanta airport and people getting decapitated on buses?
M2: I would be lying if I said I was not mildly concerned.
M1: Okay, let’s jump right into the important questions. Can you name all the meals you ate while you were on vacation?
M2: I sure can! Here is what I had, in the order I had it:
-burger that was made of beef, blue cheese and bacon all mixed together
-sushi
-an omelet and pancakes
-a salad and a wasabi grilled cheese sandwich
-a doughnut
-a slice of pizza and a pesto salad
-clams and a flatbread pizza thing with figs and proscuitto
-a chicken gyro
-a burger made of magical beef
-a ham and cheese sandwich
-an oyster sandwich
-doughnuts
-a breakfast sandwich with proscuitto and cheese and magic
-a Cajun chicken sandwich
-a sandwich made of sage eggs, sausage and avocado, on an English muffin
-a ramen and vegetably thing
-doughnuts
-sausage on an English muffin.
-miso soup and stirfry
-nachos
-pizza (for dinner)
-pizza (for breakfast)
-burrito
M1: Oh my, I can’t believe you remember all that! Your memory is beyond compare! Can you remember all the beverages you consumed?
M2: Oh, of course not, there were too many.
M1: Did you meet any interesting bartenders, though?
M2: Oh yes! In Seattle Matthew and I met a bartender that we both wanted to be best friends with. She gave us Cheez-its and got us really good and drunk!
M1: Did you go back to your old places of employment?
M2: Yep, Matthew and I walked around Old Navy and took pictures in the store. We found the store to be a mess, and we were surprised that some of the security codes still worked, even though it’s years since we worked there. We went into some places we were supposed to go. Then I went to my old office. It was weird that someone else sat in my seat. But I was glad I wasn’t doing that work anymore.
M1: What things happened in Seattle that made you glad that you don’t live there anymore?
M2: First, I would say almost getting run over by a car. Second, I would say the more or less constant deluge of rain. Third, I would repeat what I said above, that seeing my old office made me glad I had a new job.
M1: What did you do to deal with the rain?
M2: Mostly I ate things. For example, I ate cupcakes with Matthew while it rained.
M1: What things made you wish you still lived in the Northwest?
M2: First and foremost, I’d say the people. Second, the bookstores. Third, the reliable public transportation. And also Specialty’s bakery in Seattle.
M1: What did the city of Portland do to welcome you?
M2: They got the symphony to play a free concert in the park with cannons. Then they shot off fireworks.
M1: What things did you win in Portland?
M2: Trivia, foozball.
M1: How many episodes of Weeds did you watch in Portland?
M2: I think like 30.
M1: How many movies did you see on this trip?
M2: Four! I saw The Dark Knight on an IMAX screen, Elegy, Hamlet 2, and Hot Fuzz.
M1: How was the return trip?
M2: I just want to let my readers know that Labor Day is possibly the most miserable day that you can travel. There are too many people, and they all smell funny.
M1: What book did you take out there, and how many pages of it did you read?
M2: I started Middlemarch, but I only read 76 pages of it. It’s kind of a hard book and I have to read most pages twice to make sure I understood. But one guy on the light rail in Portland told me it might steal a little bit of my soul!
M1: What was your greatest accomplishment of the trip?
M2: I bought 15 books and managed to get them all back home.
M1: 15 books! That is insane! I thought you told your mother you weren’t going to buy any more books!
M2: I really don’t remember saying that.
M1: How gracious were all of your hosts?
M2: They were all very gracious!
M1: You said you had a houseguest? What about that?
M2: It seems like a topic for a separate blog entry.
M1: Alrighty then! Looking forward to that!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
a heart tugging olympic story
Well, I have just had a non-stop busy week, so I haven’t had much time to watch the Olympics. Tonight when I was having my weekly chat with my father, he said, “I can’t believe you’re not watching the Olympics! So many human interest stories!” It did kind of make me feel like I was missing out so I’ve got the Olympics on and I’m going to work on some Olympics-themed blogs. For at least the next hour. Then “Mad Men” comes on.
All right, since Dad likes the human interest stories, I guess I will write one for myself. That sort of touching story they play before the competitions. I don’t know if they still do that, since I haven’t watched the Olympics since last Sunday, but if they’re still doing it, here is the narration I would like Bob Costas to read:
-------------------------------------------
The United States’ greatest hope in table tennis almost didn’t make it to the Olympics. When she was just a toddler, she went into the backyard and got into a garbage can full of leaves. As she lay there, wondering how she’d get out of the can of leaves, a cow started mooing. Mooooooooooooollllly, the cow seemed to moo. Moooooooooooooooooooooooo. Which Molly took to mean, you must train to be an Olympian.
Molly overcame an important obstacle that day, which was getting out of that can of leaves without being eaten by a cow, which is a good thing because if she hadn’t, then the world would have been deprived of her table tennis prowess. But she didn’t pick up a paddle that day. In fact, she immediately forgot what the cow had told her, for she was only a toddler and was in trouble with her mother for wandering off and getting into a can of leaves.
Molly took another path, not yet knowing that her destiny was Olympic glory. When she started showing promise in reading, her parents groomed her to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. Sometimes they would write her letters while she was off at sleepaway camp, and the letters wouldn’t even have words. It would just be a bunch of dashes, and Molly would have to figure out the message by guessing consonants and buying vowels. She ran out of money and couldn’t buy any more vowels, which is how she missed her ride home from camp.
Molly’s greatest challenge was spinning the wheel, for one thing because she was so tiny and it was hard to reach down there. Also she was scared that she’d get injured by all those spikes that are sticking up, because if you don’t get your hand out of the way real fast, those things will hurt you. Also she just didn’t have a very well developed arm. To build up her spinning arm, her parents gave her a ping pong paddle. Little did they know they were putting her smackdab on a path toward her Olympic destiny.
Little Molly was an unpopular child, because all she wanted to do was play Hangman and word games and she was really, really good at them. But Molly didn’t care that she had no friends, because she had a DREAM. She certainly would have been a million dollar winner at Wheel of Fortune, even though they don’t even have million dollar winners. She was just that good.
Her dreams of Wheel of Fortune victory turned sour though. She started answering math questions with letters. She started having recurring dreams that Vanna White would reveal the letters, only to reveal decapitated heads. The decapitated heads were nice, overall; they’d tell Molly she was doing well at the game and that she had picked a nice outfit for television and that she would probably win a trip to Miami if she kept it up. But as nice as the decapitated heads were, it started to throw Molly off.
Molly had lost her focus and was losing her grasp on her dream. One time she ran into Pat Sajak at the airport. It should have been the beginning of a dream come true. Instead, she called him Alex Trebek, threw up all over his shoes, and stole his chicken nuggets. The police found her in an airport newsstand, tearing pages out of magazines, throwing them in the air, and yelling, “letters for everyone!”
Since Pat Sajak got a restraining order, Molly couldn’t go on Wheel of Fortune. She spent days and days in bed, getting out of bed only to go to college. At college, Molly showed up to a party and noticed that all the drinking was being done from cups on a table. It was a game of beer pong. Suddenly, Molly remembered that cow. Molly picked up a cup, and a paddle, and started playing a beer pong of her own devising. No one else at the party was very amused, but Molly’s road to the Olympics had finally started.
Fast forward some amount of undetermined time, and Molly is seeking redemption at these Olympic games. Not athletic redemption, though, because she really never had any failures. I’m just saying that she’s looking for redemption because it is VERY dramatic.
Like all Olympic athletes, Molly has overcome a lot of diseases, which I will now read off for you so that you have sympathy for her and marvel at her accomplishments. She survived the chicken pox, food poisoning, premenstrual syndrome, dengue fever, giardia, apraxia, dyslexia and sinusitis. Also, one time she sprained her knee. She thought she’d never walk again. But after Franklin Delano Roosevelt contacted her from beyond the grave to tell her that wheelchairs were not all they were cracked out to be, she put a little more effort into physical therapy. So not only did she walk again, she became a mentor for all people with sprained knees. Sometimes when she puts her hands on injured children, they walk again.
So now, Molly is here to face the world at table tennis. She has said that if she wins a gold medal, she will dedicate it to that cow from her childhood and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in gratitude for their inspiration. Then she will mail the medal, along with a box of chicken nuggets, to Pat Sajak, just to show him that there are no hard feelings.
All right, since Dad likes the human interest stories, I guess I will write one for myself. That sort of touching story they play before the competitions. I don’t know if they still do that, since I haven’t watched the Olympics since last Sunday, but if they’re still doing it, here is the narration I would like Bob Costas to read:
-------------------------------------------
The United States’ greatest hope in table tennis almost didn’t make it to the Olympics. When she was just a toddler, she went into the backyard and got into a garbage can full of leaves. As she lay there, wondering how she’d get out of the can of leaves, a cow started mooing. Mooooooooooooollllly, the cow seemed to moo. Moooooooooooooooooooooooo. Which Molly took to mean, you must train to be an Olympian.
Molly overcame an important obstacle that day, which was getting out of that can of leaves without being eaten by a cow, which is a good thing because if she hadn’t, then the world would have been deprived of her table tennis prowess. But she didn’t pick up a paddle that day. In fact, she immediately forgot what the cow had told her, for she was only a toddler and was in trouble with her mother for wandering off and getting into a can of leaves.
Molly took another path, not yet knowing that her destiny was Olympic glory. When she started showing promise in reading, her parents groomed her to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. Sometimes they would write her letters while she was off at sleepaway camp, and the letters wouldn’t even have words. It would just be a bunch of dashes, and Molly would have to figure out the message by guessing consonants and buying vowels. She ran out of money and couldn’t buy any more vowels, which is how she missed her ride home from camp.
Molly’s greatest challenge was spinning the wheel, for one thing because she was so tiny and it was hard to reach down there. Also she was scared that she’d get injured by all those spikes that are sticking up, because if you don’t get your hand out of the way real fast, those things will hurt you. Also she just didn’t have a very well developed arm. To build up her spinning arm, her parents gave her a ping pong paddle. Little did they know they were putting her smackdab on a path toward her Olympic destiny.
Little Molly was an unpopular child, because all she wanted to do was play Hangman and word games and she was really, really good at them. But Molly didn’t care that she had no friends, because she had a DREAM. She certainly would have been a million dollar winner at Wheel of Fortune, even though they don’t even have million dollar winners. She was just that good.
Her dreams of Wheel of Fortune victory turned sour though. She started answering math questions with letters. She started having recurring dreams that Vanna White would reveal the letters, only to reveal decapitated heads. The decapitated heads were nice, overall; they’d tell Molly she was doing well at the game and that she had picked a nice outfit for television and that she would probably win a trip to Miami if she kept it up. But as nice as the decapitated heads were, it started to throw Molly off.
Molly had lost her focus and was losing her grasp on her dream. One time she ran into Pat Sajak at the airport. It should have been the beginning of a dream come true. Instead, she called him Alex Trebek, threw up all over his shoes, and stole his chicken nuggets. The police found her in an airport newsstand, tearing pages out of magazines, throwing them in the air, and yelling, “letters for everyone!”
Since Pat Sajak got a restraining order, Molly couldn’t go on Wheel of Fortune. She spent days and days in bed, getting out of bed only to go to college. At college, Molly showed up to a party and noticed that all the drinking was being done from cups on a table. It was a game of beer pong. Suddenly, Molly remembered that cow. Molly picked up a cup, and a paddle, and started playing a beer pong of her own devising. No one else at the party was very amused, but Molly’s road to the Olympics had finally started.
Fast forward some amount of undetermined time, and Molly is seeking redemption at these Olympic games. Not athletic redemption, though, because she really never had any failures. I’m just saying that she’s looking for redemption because it is VERY dramatic.
Like all Olympic athletes, Molly has overcome a lot of diseases, which I will now read off for you so that you have sympathy for her and marvel at her accomplishments. She survived the chicken pox, food poisoning, premenstrual syndrome, dengue fever, giardia, apraxia, dyslexia and sinusitis. Also, one time she sprained her knee. She thought she’d never walk again. But after Franklin Delano Roosevelt contacted her from beyond the grave to tell her that wheelchairs were not all they were cracked out to be, she put a little more effort into physical therapy. So not only did she walk again, she became a mentor for all people with sprained knees. Sometimes when she puts her hands on injured children, they walk again.
So now, Molly is here to face the world at table tennis. She has said that if she wins a gold medal, she will dedicate it to that cow from her childhood and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in gratitude for their inspiration. Then she will mail the medal, along with a box of chicken nuggets, to Pat Sajak, just to show him that there are no hard feelings.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Olympic brainstorm
Guys, I have been just racking my brain all day trying to think of some new Olympic sports. I don’t think we have enough of them.
Saturday night I went to see the Atlanta Rollergirls play roller derby, so of course I thought about adding some Olympic sports that involve roller skates. This seems perfect to me because it would take the place of all the skating that happens in the Winter Olympics. Here are the events I’ve thought of:
--roller derby (this one was easy to come up with since I saw it on Saturday. It involves a lot of girls in crazy outfits trying to outskate each other; people cheer and gasp when there are falls. The rules are complicated for me to go over at this late hour but trust me when I say it would make a great team event)
--limbo (this would have good music)
--limbo, but instead of a limbo pole held in place and adjusted downward at a steady rate, this limbo pole would be provided by the javelin throwers. The javelin people come over, throw a javelin, people roller skate under it. Twice as dangerous. Worth twice the points.
--speed roller skating
--speed roller skating down a really steep hill
--cross-country roller skating. Like, the contestants start in wherever the Olympics are held. Then they start skating outwards. Whoever accumulates the most miles by the time the Olympics are over wins the gold.
--bike-skating. A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, for like, 100 miles.
--bike-skating-wagon pull: A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, who in turn pulls a red wagon behind them, which is holding a person, who in turn is holding a duck. Or maybe a spoon with an egg on it.
--skating dodgeball. Like dodgeball, but on roller skates.
--Synchronized roller skating.
--Skate dives. You dive off a diving board into a pool, but you’re wearing roller skates.
--Roller basketball. Pretty self-explanatory.
--Roller rope. Jump rope routines while wearing roller skates.
That’s all I have so far. The only sport I’ve been able to come up with that doesn’t involve roller skates is an event I am tentatively calling “One-Legged Standing.” In this event, contestants try to be the one who can stand on one leg for the longest. There will be medals awarded in both the right leg and the left leg category. Maybe there can be style points awarded if you do fancy things while you’re standing on one leg, like moving your arms around and swaying and bending over and whatnot, all while maintaining balance.
But don’t get too cocky and think it will be easy. One of the factors in this event is a person whose job it is to try to make you lose balance, through tactics such as poking you in the tummy or tickling you under your nose with a feather. I can just hear the announcers now. “Lars Hall from Sweden, holding up under immense pressure here. His left leg has got to be tired, that’s a given. He’s already withstood the nose tickle, the tummy poke and the wet willie. But he’s trained for this moment, and this may be his last shot at a medal. Oh! Oh I’m seeing some wobbling! And, and…he’s down! Lars Hall takes the silver, while Ferenc Nemeth from Hungary takes the gold!”
Lars Hall really is from Sweden. He won gold medals in the modern pentathlon in the 1952 Helskinki games and the 1956 Melbourne games. Ferenc Nemeth of Hungary won the next gold medal in this event, at the 1960 Rome games. According to Wikipedia Lars Hall died in 1991, so he will never take part in One-Legged Standing. I salute you, Lars Goran Ivar Hall. Ferenc Nemeth, Wikipedia says you’re alive, so you still have a shot at this.
Saturday night I went to see the Atlanta Rollergirls play roller derby, so of course I thought about adding some Olympic sports that involve roller skates. This seems perfect to me because it would take the place of all the skating that happens in the Winter Olympics. Here are the events I’ve thought of:
--roller derby (this one was easy to come up with since I saw it on Saturday. It involves a lot of girls in crazy outfits trying to outskate each other; people cheer and gasp when there are falls. The rules are complicated for me to go over at this late hour but trust me when I say it would make a great team event)
--limbo (this would have good music)
--limbo, but instead of a limbo pole held in place and adjusted downward at a steady rate, this limbo pole would be provided by the javelin throwers. The javelin people come over, throw a javelin, people roller skate under it. Twice as dangerous. Worth twice the points.
--speed roller skating
--speed roller skating down a really steep hill
--cross-country roller skating. Like, the contestants start in wherever the Olympics are held. Then they start skating outwards. Whoever accumulates the most miles by the time the Olympics are over wins the gold.
--bike-skating. A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, for like, 100 miles.
--bike-skating-wagon pull: A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, who in turn pulls a red wagon behind them, which is holding a person, who in turn is holding a duck. Or maybe a spoon with an egg on it.
--skating dodgeball. Like dodgeball, but on roller skates.
--Synchronized roller skating.
--Skate dives. You dive off a diving board into a pool, but you’re wearing roller skates.
--Roller basketball. Pretty self-explanatory.
--Roller rope. Jump rope routines while wearing roller skates.
That’s all I have so far. The only sport I’ve been able to come up with that doesn’t involve roller skates is an event I am tentatively calling “One-Legged Standing.” In this event, contestants try to be the one who can stand on one leg for the longest. There will be medals awarded in both the right leg and the left leg category. Maybe there can be style points awarded if you do fancy things while you’re standing on one leg, like moving your arms around and swaying and bending over and whatnot, all while maintaining balance.
But don’t get too cocky and think it will be easy. One of the factors in this event is a person whose job it is to try to make you lose balance, through tactics such as poking you in the tummy or tickling you under your nose with a feather. I can just hear the announcers now. “Lars Hall from Sweden, holding up under immense pressure here. His left leg has got to be tired, that’s a given. He’s already withstood the nose tickle, the tummy poke and the wet willie. But he’s trained for this moment, and this may be his last shot at a medal. Oh! Oh I’m seeing some wobbling! And, and…he’s down! Lars Hall takes the silver, while Ferenc Nemeth from Hungary takes the gold!”
Lars Hall really is from Sweden. He won gold medals in the modern pentathlon in the 1952 Helskinki games and the 1956 Melbourne games. Ferenc Nemeth of Hungary won the next gold medal in this event, at the 1960 Rome games. According to Wikipedia Lars Hall died in 1991, so he will never take part in One-Legged Standing. I salute you, Lars Goran Ivar Hall. Ferenc Nemeth, Wikipedia says you’re alive, so you still have a shot at this.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
olympic athletes
Well, despite ending the blog entry a little early last night, I did make it to the end of the opening ceremonies. I watched the Chinese walk in and go crazy, and Bob Costas reminded me again and again that this was the most important moment in the history of modern China. I’ve just about decided that I prefer learning about important moments of history in textbooks, as opposed to living through them.
But I did like it when they lit the Olympic torch! Did you see it? A Chinese gymnast flew like Peter Pan around the stadium and then the fire went up a tube thing and lit up the gigantic torch! I want to get one of those tube things when I have a house someday; I will use it to light my chandelier.
Last night while I was watching all of the athletes parade in, I was trying to decide which country I would be from, if the only basis for choosing was the outfits they wore to the ceremony. I didn’t really come up with a good answer as no one looked particularly comfortable. But today, as I watch a little women’s volleyball, I thought I’d consider what event I’d want to participate in, as an athlete. So I got the list of all the event from Wikipedia. To be honest I don’t know if they’re all women’s sports or not, and maybe I don’t understand how they’re all played as far as the Olympics are concerned. But that’s not gonna stop me!
Pros and Cons of Competing in Various Olympic Events
Aquatics-Diving
Pro: Jumping off really high diving boards is fun and awesome!
Con: Might hit head on diving board; lots of people see you standing around in a bathing suit; belly flops are painful
Aquatics-Swimming
Pro: I would gain insight into the life of my fish, Alvin.
Con: Have to wear a swimsuit frequently; get really broad shoulders, may make it difficult to find shirts that fit.
Aquatics-Synchronized Swimming
Pro: I like dancing, and I like meandering around in water, so this seems like the only sport I might be remotely qualified for.
Con: People probably make fun of you
Aquatics-Water Polo
Pro: I bet they play Marco Polo at the end of practices.
Con: Might be too easy to get hit on the head and drown.
Archery
Pro: Could fight off unsavory characters.
Con: I don’t really have very good aim; seems like a lot of equipment; might be hard to trust your teammates.
Athletics
Pro: This involves all the track and field events. I’m just putting a factoid here because there are no pro’s about these events.
Con: I hate running, especially in hot weather like they are having in Beijing.
Badminton
Pro: Can practice in your backyard!
Con: Those rackets break really easily, so may be too big of a financial commitment.
Baseball
Pro: Can chew gum while you compete.
Con: I’m pretty sure this one is only for boys.
Basketball
Pro: In team sports, sometimes it can be kind of easy to hide the fact that you have no athletic talent, if you just keep running around.
Con: No one cares about women’s basketball; the multitasking of running and bouncing a ball has never been my strong suit.
Boxing
Pro: Could get out a lot of aggression and stress
Con: Might bleed.
Canoeing
Pro: Sounds relaxing.
Con: Life jackets are bulky and sometimes smell moldy.
Cycling
Pro: Might meet Lance Armstrong; I am pretty good at cycling if the gym is any indication.
Con: I have a feeling that the gym is not any indication, especially cause you can’t read magazines when you do it for real.
Equestrian
Pro: The horse does a lot of the work in this event, right?
Con: Horses smell bad and poop a lot.
Fencing
Pro: Could pretend I was a Musketeer
Con: Potential for injury seems high.
Field Hockey
Pro: It seems pretty fun.
Con: People might think I was a lesbian.
Football
Pro: Do they mean soccer? Soccer is good because it’s another sport where you can run around and hide your lack of skill.
Con: It’s a lot of running; I lack, let’s say, precision when it comes to my kicking.
Gymnastics
Pro: Everyone loves gymnastics.
Con: You have to be really tiny and have a mean Romanian coach.
Handball
Pro: If middle-aged guys can play it at the gym, I probably can to.
Con: People probably make a lot of puns about what you do.
Judo
Pro: I don’t really have an opinion on judo.
Con: But I don’t want to get hurt. And they never put judo gold medalists on Wheaties boxes.
Modern pentathlon
Pro: Could feel really good about being well-rounded.
Con: Sounds like a lot of work; people would always be asking what all the events were
Rowing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.
Sailing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.
Shooting
Pro: I used to be kinda good at Mario Duck Hunt.
Con: But real guns scare me.
Softball
Pro: It would be a good way to make friends.
Con: Well now it’s not going to be an Olympic sport anymore, so it seems like a bad choice. Also, playing softball as a girl kind of scarred me.
Table Tennis
Pro: Could train in the basement; could play beer pong after practice; doesn’t seem to require a ton of athletic skills
Con: You have to go against Chinese players who do nothing else with their waking hours but play.
Taekwondo
Pro: Could defend self; the outfits seem comfortable.
Con: I can’t think of any, but I’m getting distracted but the volleyball. They’re having like five match points!
Tennis
Pro: I’ve seen some hot male tennis players lately.
Con: I’ve always found tennis kind of lame and overrated.
Triathlon
Pro: I really can’t think of any.
Con: Sounds exhausting.
Volleyball
Pro: Get to hang out on the beach.
Con: I bet you never get the sand out of your hair. Never.
Weightlifting
Pro: Could go around saving lives and lifting up cars and opening jars and generally just being awesome!
Con: I don’t want to get too bulky.
Wrestling
Pro: I really liked watching the fake wrestling when I was little, and maybe other people in this event did too, and we could bond over it.
Con: This kind of wrestling isn’t fake.
Stay tuned for 2010, when I will reveal what Winter Olympic events interest me!
But I did like it when they lit the Olympic torch! Did you see it? A Chinese gymnast flew like Peter Pan around the stadium and then the fire went up a tube thing and lit up the gigantic torch! I want to get one of those tube things when I have a house someday; I will use it to light my chandelier.
Last night while I was watching all of the athletes parade in, I was trying to decide which country I would be from, if the only basis for choosing was the outfits they wore to the ceremony. I didn’t really come up with a good answer as no one looked particularly comfortable. But today, as I watch a little women’s volleyball, I thought I’d consider what event I’d want to participate in, as an athlete. So I got the list of all the event from Wikipedia. To be honest I don’t know if they’re all women’s sports or not, and maybe I don’t understand how they’re all played as far as the Olympics are concerned. But that’s not gonna stop me!
Pros and Cons of Competing in Various Olympic Events
Aquatics-Diving
Pro: Jumping off really high diving boards is fun and awesome!
Con: Might hit head on diving board; lots of people see you standing around in a bathing suit; belly flops are painful
Aquatics-Swimming
Pro: I would gain insight into the life of my fish, Alvin.
Con: Have to wear a swimsuit frequently; get really broad shoulders, may make it difficult to find shirts that fit.
Aquatics-Synchronized Swimming
Pro: I like dancing, and I like meandering around in water, so this seems like the only sport I might be remotely qualified for.
Con: People probably make fun of you
Aquatics-Water Polo
Pro: I bet they play Marco Polo at the end of practices.
Con: Might be too easy to get hit on the head and drown.
Archery
Pro: Could fight off unsavory characters.
Con: I don’t really have very good aim; seems like a lot of equipment; might be hard to trust your teammates.
Athletics
Pro: This involves all the track and field events. I’m just putting a factoid here because there are no pro’s about these events.
Con: I hate running, especially in hot weather like they are having in Beijing.
Badminton
Pro: Can practice in your backyard!
Con: Those rackets break really easily, so may be too big of a financial commitment.
Baseball
Pro: Can chew gum while you compete.
Con: I’m pretty sure this one is only for boys.
Basketball
Pro: In team sports, sometimes it can be kind of easy to hide the fact that you have no athletic talent, if you just keep running around.
Con: No one cares about women’s basketball; the multitasking of running and bouncing a ball has never been my strong suit.
Boxing
Pro: Could get out a lot of aggression and stress
Con: Might bleed.
Canoeing
Pro: Sounds relaxing.
Con: Life jackets are bulky and sometimes smell moldy.
Cycling
Pro: Might meet Lance Armstrong; I am pretty good at cycling if the gym is any indication.
Con: I have a feeling that the gym is not any indication, especially cause you can’t read magazines when you do it for real.
Equestrian
Pro: The horse does a lot of the work in this event, right?
Con: Horses smell bad and poop a lot.
Fencing
Pro: Could pretend I was a Musketeer
Con: Potential for injury seems high.
Field Hockey
Pro: It seems pretty fun.
Con: People might think I was a lesbian.
Football
Pro: Do they mean soccer? Soccer is good because it’s another sport where you can run around and hide your lack of skill.
Con: It’s a lot of running; I lack, let’s say, precision when it comes to my kicking.
Gymnastics
Pro: Everyone loves gymnastics.
Con: You have to be really tiny and have a mean Romanian coach.
Handball
Pro: If middle-aged guys can play it at the gym, I probably can to.
Con: People probably make a lot of puns about what you do.
Judo
Pro: I don’t really have an opinion on judo.
Con: But I don’t want to get hurt. And they never put judo gold medalists on Wheaties boxes.
Modern pentathlon
Pro: Could feel really good about being well-rounded.
Con: Sounds like a lot of work; people would always be asking what all the events were
Rowing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.
Sailing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.
Shooting
Pro: I used to be kinda good at Mario Duck Hunt.
Con: But real guns scare me.
Softball
Pro: It would be a good way to make friends.
Con: Well now it’s not going to be an Olympic sport anymore, so it seems like a bad choice. Also, playing softball as a girl kind of scarred me.
Table Tennis
Pro: Could train in the basement; could play beer pong after practice; doesn’t seem to require a ton of athletic skills
Con: You have to go against Chinese players who do nothing else with their waking hours but play.
Taekwondo
Pro: Could defend self; the outfits seem comfortable.
Con: I can’t think of any, but I’m getting distracted but the volleyball. They’re having like five match points!
Tennis
Pro: I’ve seen some hot male tennis players lately.
Con: I’ve always found tennis kind of lame and overrated.
Triathlon
Pro: I really can’t think of any.
Con: Sounds exhausting.
Volleyball
Pro: Get to hang out on the beach.
Con: I bet you never get the sand out of your hair. Never.
Weightlifting
Pro: Could go around saving lives and lifting up cars and opening jars and generally just being awesome!
Con: I don’t want to get too bulky.
Wrestling
Pro: I really liked watching the fake wrestling when I was little, and maybe other people in this event did too, and we could bond over it.
Con: This kind of wrestling isn’t fake.
Stay tuned for 2010, when I will reveal what Winter Olympic events interest me!
Friday, August 8, 2008
eight / eight / oh-eight
Guess what everybody?! For the next 16 days I will be liveblogging every single moment of the Olympics! It will really increase my entries for the year! All I will consume is Red Bull and Chinese food!
I’m just joshing, guys. For one thing, I have a job, and I have some semblance of a life. But tonight, I’m just sitting at home watching the opening ceremonies. I have to admit that I didn’t plan on watching the opening ceremonies, because frankly, I really haven’t had any Olympic fever lately. Well, I haven’t had Olympic fever probably since that time that Kerri Strug did gymnastics on her broken ankle but this year it’s especially muted.
For one thing, I’m confused about how we’re supposed to feel about these Olympics. Are we supposed to be mad about the censorship and Tibet and Darfur and air pollution and the fact that 10 is no longer a perfect gymnastics score? Some people are telling me yes.
And yet I keep hearing about how this is China’s introduction to the world and that's just so much pressure that it's hard to watch! I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to China yet, but they’re spending all this money. It’s kinda like an overly fancy dinner paid for by a guy that you really don’t want to see again, but he’s threatened to kill himself if you don’t agree to a second date.
What I’m trying to say is that these Olympics just have me fraught with anxiety and guilt, and it’s only been exacerbated by Time Magazine, which I feel has been writing ominous articles about these Olympics since 2005.
The night is finally here and I can’t say that I feel any better about the whole situation. Even the commercials during the opening ceremony are slickly and studiously overproduced. The whole thing’s impressive but kinda wearing me out. Reviewing the entire spectrum of Chinese history will do that to you, I guess. And apparently in China, people paint with their bodies and glow in the dark and ride on kites and the multitudes can drum and dance in frightening synchronicity.
Oh! And did you see the thing where all these boxes were moving like the wind, and then they were arranged to symbolize the Great Wall of China, and then the wall was torn down and replaced by the flower that represents openness in China? That was already pretty deep and heavy, but then the boxes opened up and out popped Chinese people? What are they trying to do, kill me? I mean, I was an English major, so I love me some symbolism, but symbolism created by human Chinese jack-in-the-boxes? I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head.
I wonder how it feels to be one of the thousands of guys in these demonstrations. I mean, they’ve clearly spent eons of hours perfecting these routines. But if you were watching the tape of this later, would you even be able to pick yourself out of the crowd? Or in writing this paragraph, am I revealing the selfishness that a Western capitalist society allows me? If only I could submit this question to NBC’s China expert Joshua, the one doing commentary with Bob Costas and Matt Lauer!
Obviously, when Matt Lauer does some of his commentary, it’s clear that he got to see all this stuff in rehearsal, and he knows what’s going on. But sometimes I wonder if he’s actually seen the entire Olympics. I’m getting the sense that Matt Lauer has been in the future and has just now returned. If this is possible anywhere, I’m guessing it’s China.
Now they’re doing the parade of nations, the route of which goes by a line of jumping Chinese girls. That would kind of freak me out. I find it kind of sad that half the athletes carry flags and half carry cameras. But then Bob Costas made me sadder by saying that most of these athletes arrive knowing that they won’t win a medal, because their countries never win.
Matt Lauer, you are full of so many geographic factoids! As well as a healthy amount of celebrity gossip! I had completely forgotten that Madonna adopted a child from Malawi! I hope they win some medals!
And Bob Costas just revealed that he’s the kind of guy who reveals personal emails to the world. Apparently the Cayman Islands emailed to request that they not be cut out of the broadcast. So they weren’t, but now they’ll be remembered as the country that had to email Bob Costas to request that. To me at least. Ask me about the Cayman Islands anytime in the next five years or so, and I’ll tell you that they emailed Bob Costas about being on television.
Bob Costas made no mention of the Jamaica bobsled team! I know it’s the Summer Olympics but still! And no one knows where the team from Brunei is! But no one seems too concerned so I guess I won’t dwell on it. I have too many other things to dwell on where these Olympics are concerned. For example, Morgan Freeman is the voice of Olympics Visa commercials. But then I have to think about how Morgan Freeman almost died this week. Then I think about how it came out that Morgan Freeman is getting divorced. Then I have to think about how John Edwards admitted he had an affair. Then I remember that Olympics are in China and I am just worn out.
The Bushes are checking their watches. Stay classy, USA!
“You don’t get to say ‘boom boom’ all that often.” – Matt Lauer.
Those dancing Chinese girls have GOT to be tired.
The medal count is still zero.
Jesus Christ there’s still 20 countries to go before the U.S. team makes an appearance. This is longer than the Oscars.
Coca-Cola just aired a commercial that told me that if I’ve had a Coke in the last 80 years, then I’ve had a hand in making Olympic dreams come true. Take that, athletes! You train your whole life and I’ve just enjoyed Coke, but I think we are equals!
It’s kinda cute watching the presidents and prime ministers stand up and wave to their athletes. It’s like high school graduation.
Well, that’s an anti-climactic note to end on, but I’m exhausted. I might have a slight case of Olympic fever now, but it will probably be gone tomorrow.
I’m just joshing, guys. For one thing, I have a job, and I have some semblance of a life. But tonight, I’m just sitting at home watching the opening ceremonies. I have to admit that I didn’t plan on watching the opening ceremonies, because frankly, I really haven’t had any Olympic fever lately. Well, I haven’t had Olympic fever probably since that time that Kerri Strug did gymnastics on her broken ankle but this year it’s especially muted.
For one thing, I’m confused about how we’re supposed to feel about these Olympics. Are we supposed to be mad about the censorship and Tibet and Darfur and air pollution and the fact that 10 is no longer a perfect gymnastics score? Some people are telling me yes.
And yet I keep hearing about how this is China’s introduction to the world and that's just so much pressure that it's hard to watch! I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to China yet, but they’re spending all this money. It’s kinda like an overly fancy dinner paid for by a guy that you really don’t want to see again, but he’s threatened to kill himself if you don’t agree to a second date.
What I’m trying to say is that these Olympics just have me fraught with anxiety and guilt, and it’s only been exacerbated by Time Magazine, which I feel has been writing ominous articles about these Olympics since 2005.
The night is finally here and I can’t say that I feel any better about the whole situation. Even the commercials during the opening ceremony are slickly and studiously overproduced. The whole thing’s impressive but kinda wearing me out. Reviewing the entire spectrum of Chinese history will do that to you, I guess. And apparently in China, people paint with their bodies and glow in the dark and ride on kites and the multitudes can drum and dance in frightening synchronicity.
Oh! And did you see the thing where all these boxes were moving like the wind, and then they were arranged to symbolize the Great Wall of China, and then the wall was torn down and replaced by the flower that represents openness in China? That was already pretty deep and heavy, but then the boxes opened up and out popped Chinese people? What are they trying to do, kill me? I mean, I was an English major, so I love me some symbolism, but symbolism created by human Chinese jack-in-the-boxes? I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head.
I wonder how it feels to be one of the thousands of guys in these demonstrations. I mean, they’ve clearly spent eons of hours perfecting these routines. But if you were watching the tape of this later, would you even be able to pick yourself out of the crowd? Or in writing this paragraph, am I revealing the selfishness that a Western capitalist society allows me? If only I could submit this question to NBC’s China expert Joshua, the one doing commentary with Bob Costas and Matt Lauer!
Obviously, when Matt Lauer does some of his commentary, it’s clear that he got to see all this stuff in rehearsal, and he knows what’s going on. But sometimes I wonder if he’s actually seen the entire Olympics. I’m getting the sense that Matt Lauer has been in the future and has just now returned. If this is possible anywhere, I’m guessing it’s China.
Now they’re doing the parade of nations, the route of which goes by a line of jumping Chinese girls. That would kind of freak me out. I find it kind of sad that half the athletes carry flags and half carry cameras. But then Bob Costas made me sadder by saying that most of these athletes arrive knowing that they won’t win a medal, because their countries never win.
Matt Lauer, you are full of so many geographic factoids! As well as a healthy amount of celebrity gossip! I had completely forgotten that Madonna adopted a child from Malawi! I hope they win some medals!
And Bob Costas just revealed that he’s the kind of guy who reveals personal emails to the world. Apparently the Cayman Islands emailed to request that they not be cut out of the broadcast. So they weren’t, but now they’ll be remembered as the country that had to email Bob Costas to request that. To me at least. Ask me about the Cayman Islands anytime in the next five years or so, and I’ll tell you that they emailed Bob Costas about being on television.
Bob Costas made no mention of the Jamaica bobsled team! I know it’s the Summer Olympics but still! And no one knows where the team from Brunei is! But no one seems too concerned so I guess I won’t dwell on it. I have too many other things to dwell on where these Olympics are concerned. For example, Morgan Freeman is the voice of Olympics Visa commercials. But then I have to think about how Morgan Freeman almost died this week. Then I think about how it came out that Morgan Freeman is getting divorced. Then I have to think about how John Edwards admitted he had an affair. Then I remember that Olympics are in China and I am just worn out.
The Bushes are checking their watches. Stay classy, USA!
“You don’t get to say ‘boom boom’ all that often.” – Matt Lauer.
Those dancing Chinese girls have GOT to be tired.
The medal count is still zero.
Jesus Christ there’s still 20 countries to go before the U.S. team makes an appearance. This is longer than the Oscars.
Coca-Cola just aired a commercial that told me that if I’ve had a Coke in the last 80 years, then I’ve had a hand in making Olympic dreams come true. Take that, athletes! You train your whole life and I’ve just enjoyed Coke, but I think we are equals!
It’s kinda cute watching the presidents and prime ministers stand up and wave to their athletes. It’s like high school graduation.
Well, that’s an anti-climactic note to end on, but I’m exhausted. I might have a slight case of Olympic fever now, but it will probably be gone tomorrow.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Death of an Unpopular Poet
There is a secret that some people must carry around, knowing that its exposure at the wrong moment would bring certain censure and outcast status. I am about to reveal this secret, which I carry.
I hate dogs.
See, I bet some people have stopped reading me already and have reported me to the Blogger people so that I can be rounded up and taken away. Perhaps some of you, though, have a flicker of recognition, and realize I can be trusted.
I don't mean I hate dogs the way someone like Michael Vick does. Dogs are fine in principle as long as they are nowhere near me. I don't really like this cultural custom that every time a person sees a dog, they stop and pet it. We don't go around and touch humans just cause they're there. But, you're like the meanest person in the world if you don't touch dogs in your vicinty, and you're a downright ogre if you object to a dog who wants to get all up in your crotch.
This is something I've known about myself for almost all my life. But Seattle really highlights this, because Seattle might as well just change its name to Dog City. People don't have children or friends, they have dogs. Dogs are not people in clothing, but you wouldn't know that in Seattle. I present this article as evidence: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2003168225_dogs02.html
Perhaps you think that's an exaggeration, but it's not. I know people who could have very easily been in that article. I have heard honest conversations about which doggie day spa is the best and this week I learned there is such a thing as a pet first aid class. Once I heard someone say they would save their dog before they saved their spouse. I'm sorry, but that's just a social disease.
Anyways, the whole reason I have put my secret out there is to discuss one exception to the rule. You might think, that hating dogs the way I do, that I would be offended by this week's story of Leona Helmsley leaving her dog $12 million, while two of her grandchildren got nothing (http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/070829/helmsley_s_pooch.html?.v=1). Well, I actually LOVE this story. It appeals to my petty side, because there's nothing better than truly getting to grind your high heel in the eye of the person who has pissed you off, and there's no better way to do that than leaving $12 mil to a dog.
Also, I just like the imagery of animals leading opulent lives. I like Fancy Feast commercials where the cat eats off a crystal plate. There is a Jimmy Buffett song from the 1970's that I love called "Death of an Unpopular Poet." This song, as you might guess from the title, starts with the death of a penniless poet. After death, his poems start to get famous. His brother goes on a talk show, even though we learn they never got along. Everyone wants a piece of the poet, but as it turns out:
He left all of his royalties
To Spooner, his ol' hound
Growin' old on steak and bacon
In a doghouse ten feet round
And everybody wonders
Did he really lose his mind?
No, he was just a poet who lived before his time
(imagine it sung very mournfully)
It's hard to tell where a dog passes that line between being a complete nuisance to me and being completely adorable because it's so rich. I think around $1 million. Just goes to show, the rich are better than the poor!
I hate dogs.
See, I bet some people have stopped reading me already and have reported me to the Blogger people so that I can be rounded up and taken away. Perhaps some of you, though, have a flicker of recognition, and realize I can be trusted.
I don't mean I hate dogs the way someone like Michael Vick does. Dogs are fine in principle as long as they are nowhere near me. I don't really like this cultural custom that every time a person sees a dog, they stop and pet it. We don't go around and touch humans just cause they're there. But, you're like the meanest person in the world if you don't touch dogs in your vicinty, and you're a downright ogre if you object to a dog who wants to get all up in your crotch.
This is something I've known about myself for almost all my life. But Seattle really highlights this, because Seattle might as well just change its name to Dog City. People don't have children or friends, they have dogs. Dogs are not people in clothing, but you wouldn't know that in Seattle. I present this article as evidence: http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/living/2003168225_dogs02.html
Perhaps you think that's an exaggeration, but it's not. I know people who could have very easily been in that article. I have heard honest conversations about which doggie day spa is the best and this week I learned there is such a thing as a pet first aid class. Once I heard someone say they would save their dog before they saved their spouse. I'm sorry, but that's just a social disease.
Anyways, the whole reason I have put my secret out there is to discuss one exception to the rule. You might think, that hating dogs the way I do, that I would be offended by this week's story of Leona Helmsley leaving her dog $12 million, while two of her grandchildren got nothing (http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/070829/helmsley_s_pooch.html?.v=1). Well, I actually LOVE this story. It appeals to my petty side, because there's nothing better than truly getting to grind your high heel in the eye of the person who has pissed you off, and there's no better way to do that than leaving $12 mil to a dog.
Also, I just like the imagery of animals leading opulent lives. I like Fancy Feast commercials where the cat eats off a crystal plate. There is a Jimmy Buffett song from the 1970's that I love called "Death of an Unpopular Poet." This song, as you might guess from the title, starts with the death of a penniless poet. After death, his poems start to get famous. His brother goes on a talk show, even though we learn they never got along. Everyone wants a piece of the poet, but as it turns out:
He left all of his royalties
To Spooner, his ol' hound
Growin' old on steak and bacon
In a doghouse ten feet round
And everybody wonders
Did he really lose his mind?
No, he was just a poet who lived before his time
(imagine it sung very mournfully)
It's hard to tell where a dog passes that line between being a complete nuisance to me and being completely adorable because it's so rich. I think around $1 million. Just goes to show, the rich are better than the poor!
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