a heart tugging olympic story

Well, I have just had a non-stop busy week, so I haven’t had much time to watch the Olympics. Tonight when I was having my weekly chat with my father, he said, “I can’t believe you’re not watching the Olympics! So many human interest stories!” It did kind of make me feel like I was missing out so I’ve got the Olympics on and I’m going to work on some Olympics-themed blogs. For at least the next hour. Then “Mad Men” comes on.

All right, since Dad likes the human interest stories, I guess I will write one for myself. That sort of touching story they play before the competitions. I don’t know if they still do that, since I haven’t watched the Olympics since last Sunday, but if they’re still doing it, here is the narration I would like Bob Costas to read:

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The United States’ greatest hope in table tennis almost didn’t make it to the Olympics. When she was just a toddler, she went into the backyard and got into a garbage can full of leaves. As she lay there, wondering how she’d get out of the can of leaves, a cow started mooing. Mooooooooooooollllly, the cow seemed to moo. Moooooooooooooooooooooooo. Which Molly took to mean, you must train to be an Olympian.

Molly overcame an important obstacle that day, which was getting out of that can of leaves without being eaten by a cow, which is a good thing because if she hadn’t, then the world would have been deprived of her table tennis prowess. But she didn’t pick up a paddle that day. In fact, she immediately forgot what the cow had told her, for she was only a toddler and was in trouble with her mother for wandering off and getting into a can of leaves.

Molly took another path, not yet knowing that her destiny was Olympic glory. When she started showing promise in reading, her parents groomed her to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. Sometimes they would write her letters while she was off at sleepaway camp, and the letters wouldn’t even have words. It would just be a bunch of dashes, and Molly would have to figure out the message by guessing consonants and buying vowels. She ran out of money and couldn’t buy any more vowels, which is how she missed her ride home from camp.

Molly’s greatest challenge was spinning the wheel, for one thing because she was so tiny and it was hard to reach down there. Also she was scared that she’d get injured by all those spikes that are sticking up, because if you don’t get your hand out of the way real fast, those things will hurt you. Also she just didn’t have a very well developed arm. To build up her spinning arm, her parents gave her a ping pong paddle. Little did they know they were putting her smackdab on a path toward her Olympic destiny.

Little Molly was an unpopular child, because all she wanted to do was play Hangman and word games and she was really, really good at them. But Molly didn’t care that she had no friends, because she had a DREAM. She certainly would have been a million dollar winner at Wheel of Fortune, even though they don’t even have million dollar winners. She was just that good.

Her dreams of Wheel of Fortune victory turned sour though. She started answering math questions with letters. She started having recurring dreams that Vanna White would reveal the letters, only to reveal decapitated heads. The decapitated heads were nice, overall; they’d tell Molly she was doing well at the game and that she had picked a nice outfit for television and that she would probably win a trip to Miami if she kept it up. But as nice as the decapitated heads were, it started to throw Molly off.

Molly had lost her focus and was losing her grasp on her dream. One time she ran into Pat Sajak at the airport. It should have been the beginning of a dream come true. Instead, she called him Alex Trebek, threw up all over his shoes, and stole his chicken nuggets. The police found her in an airport newsstand, tearing pages out of magazines, throwing them in the air, and yelling, “letters for everyone!”

Since Pat Sajak got a restraining order, Molly couldn’t go on Wheel of Fortune. She spent days and days in bed, getting out of bed only to go to college. At college, Molly showed up to a party and noticed that all the drinking was being done from cups on a table. It was a game of beer pong. Suddenly, Molly remembered that cow. Molly picked up a cup, and a paddle, and started playing a beer pong of her own devising. No one else at the party was very amused, but Molly’s road to the Olympics had finally started.

Fast forward some amount of undetermined time, and Molly is seeking redemption at these Olympic games. Not athletic redemption, though, because she really never had any failures. I’m just saying that she’s looking for redemption because it is VERY dramatic.

Like all Olympic athletes, Molly has overcome a lot of diseases, which I will now read off for you so that you have sympathy for her and marvel at her accomplishments. She survived the chicken pox, food poisoning, premenstrual syndrome, dengue fever, giardia, apraxia, dyslexia and sinusitis. Also, one time she sprained her knee. She thought she’d never walk again. But after Franklin Delano Roosevelt contacted her from beyond the grave to tell her that wheelchairs were not all they were cracked out to be, she put a little more effort into physical therapy. So not only did she walk again, she became a mentor for all people with sprained knees. Sometimes when she puts her hands on injured children, they walk again.

So now, Molly is here to face the world at table tennis. She has said that if she wins a gold medal, she will dedicate it to that cow from her childhood and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in gratitude for their inspiration. Then she will mail the medal, along with a box of chicken nuggets, to Pat Sajak, just to show him that there are no hard feelings.

Olympic brainstorm

Guys, I have been just racking my brain all day trying to think of some new Olympic sports. I don’t think we have enough of them.

Saturday night I went to see the Atlanta Rollergirls play roller derby, so of course I thought about adding some Olympic sports that involve roller skates. This seems perfect to me because it would take the place of all the skating that happens in the Winter Olympics. Here are the events I’ve thought of:

--roller derby (this one was easy to come up with since I saw it on Saturday. It involves a lot of girls in crazy outfits trying to outskate each other; people cheer and gasp when there are falls. The rules are complicated for me to go over at this late hour but trust me when I say it would make a great team event)

--limbo (this would have good music)

--limbo, but instead of a limbo pole held in place and adjusted downward at a steady rate, this limbo pole would be provided by the javelin throwers. The javelin people come over, throw a javelin, people roller skate under it. Twice as dangerous. Worth twice the points.

--speed roller skating

--speed roller skating down a really steep hill

--cross-country roller skating. Like, the contestants start in wherever the Olympics are held. Then they start skating outwards. Whoever accumulates the most miles by the time the Olympics are over wins the gold.

--bike-skating. A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, for like, 100 miles.

--bike-skating-wagon pull: A bicyclist pulls a roller skater behind them, who in turn pulls a red wagon behind them, which is holding a person, who in turn is holding a duck. Or maybe a spoon with an egg on it.

--skating dodgeball. Like dodgeball, but on roller skates.

--Synchronized roller skating.

--Skate dives. You dive off a diving board into a pool, but you’re wearing roller skates.

--Roller basketball. Pretty self-explanatory.

--Roller rope. Jump rope routines while wearing roller skates.

That’s all I have so far. The only sport I’ve been able to come up with that doesn’t involve roller skates is an event I am tentatively calling “One-Legged Standing.” In this event, contestants try to be the one who can stand on one leg for the longest. There will be medals awarded in both the right leg and the left leg category. Maybe there can be style points awarded if you do fancy things while you’re standing on one leg, like moving your arms around and swaying and bending over and whatnot, all while maintaining balance.

But don’t get too cocky and think it will be easy. One of the factors in this event is a person whose job it is to try to make you lose balance, through tactics such as poking you in the tummy or tickling you under your nose with a feather. I can just hear the announcers now. “Lars Hall from Sweden, holding up under immense pressure here. His left leg has got to be tired, that’s a given. He’s already withstood the nose tickle, the tummy poke and the wet willie. But he’s trained for this moment, and this may be his last shot at a medal. Oh! Oh I’m seeing some wobbling! And, and…he’s down! Lars Hall takes the silver, while Ferenc Nemeth from Hungary takes the gold!”

Lars Hall really is from Sweden. He won gold medals in the modern pentathlon in the 1952 Helskinki games and the 1956 Melbourne games. Ferenc Nemeth of Hungary won the next gold medal in this event, at the 1960 Rome games. According to Wikipedia Lars Hall died in 1991, so he will never take part in One-Legged Standing. I salute you, Lars Goran Ivar Hall. Ferenc Nemeth, Wikipedia says you’re alive, so you still have a shot at this.

olympic athletes

Well, despite ending the blog entry a little early last night, I did make it to the end of the opening ceremonies. I watched the Chinese walk in and go crazy, and Bob Costas reminded me again and again that this was the most important moment in the history of modern China. I’ve just about decided that I prefer learning about important moments of history in textbooks, as opposed to living through them.

But I did like it when they lit the Olympic torch! Did you see it? A Chinese gymnast flew like Peter Pan around the stadium and then the fire went up a tube thing and lit up the gigantic torch! I want to get one of those tube things when I have a house someday; I will use it to light my chandelier.

Last night while I was watching all of the athletes parade in, I was trying to decide which country I would be from, if the only basis for choosing was the outfits they wore to the ceremony. I didn’t really come up with a good answer as no one looked particularly comfortable. But today, as I watch a little women’s volleyball, I thought I’d consider what event I’d want to participate in, as an athlete. So I got the list of all the event from Wikipedia. To be honest I don’t know if they’re all women’s sports or not, and maybe I don’t understand how they’re all played as far as the Olympics are concerned. But that’s not gonna stop me!

Pros and Cons of Competing in Various Olympic Events
Aquatics-Diving
Pro: Jumping off really high diving boards is fun and awesome!
Con: Might hit head on diving board; lots of people see you standing around in a bathing suit; belly flops are painful

Aquatics-Swimming
Pro: I would gain insight into the life of my fish, Alvin.
Con: Have to wear a swimsuit frequently; get really broad shoulders, may make it difficult to find shirts that fit.

Aquatics-Synchronized Swimming
Pro: I like dancing, and I like meandering around in water, so this seems like the only sport I might be remotely qualified for.
Con: People probably make fun of you

Aquatics-Water Polo
Pro: I bet they play Marco Polo at the end of practices.
Con: Might be too easy to get hit on the head and drown.

Archery
Pro: Could fight off unsavory characters.
Con: I don’t really have very good aim; seems like a lot of equipment; might be hard to trust your teammates.

Athletics
Pro: This involves all the track and field events. I’m just putting a factoid here because there are no pro’s about these events.
Con: I hate running, especially in hot weather like they are having in Beijing.

Badminton
Pro: Can practice in your backyard!
Con: Those rackets break really easily, so may be too big of a financial commitment.

Baseball
Pro: Can chew gum while you compete.
Con: I’m pretty sure this one is only for boys.

Basketball
Pro: In team sports, sometimes it can be kind of easy to hide the fact that you have no athletic talent, if you just keep running around.
Con: No one cares about women’s basketball; the multitasking of running and bouncing a ball has never been my strong suit.

Boxing
Pro: Could get out a lot of aggression and stress
Con: Might bleed.

Canoeing
Pro: Sounds relaxing.
Con: Life jackets are bulky and sometimes smell moldy.

Cycling
Pro: Might meet Lance Armstrong; I am pretty good at cycling if the gym is any indication.
Con: I have a feeling that the gym is not any indication, especially cause you can’t read magazines when you do it for real.

Equestrian
Pro: The horse does a lot of the work in this event, right?
Con: Horses smell bad and poop a lot.

Fencing
Pro: Could pretend I was a Musketeer
Con: Potential for injury seems high.

Field Hockey
Pro: It seems pretty fun.
Con: People might think I was a lesbian.

Football
Pro: Do they mean soccer? Soccer is good because it’s another sport where you can run around and hide your lack of skill.
Con: It’s a lot of running; I lack, let’s say, precision when it comes to my kicking.

Gymnastics
Pro: Everyone loves gymnastics.
Con: You have to be really tiny and have a mean Romanian coach.

Handball
Pro: If middle-aged guys can play it at the gym, I probably can to.
Con: People probably make a lot of puns about what you do.

Judo
Pro: I don’t really have an opinion on judo.
Con: But I don’t want to get hurt. And they never put judo gold medalists on Wheaties boxes.

Modern pentathlon
Pro: Could feel really good about being well-rounded.
Con: Sounds like a lot of work; people would always be asking what all the events were

Rowing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.

Sailing
Pro: I like boats.
Con: I don’t like doing work on boats.

Shooting
Pro: I used to be kinda good at Mario Duck Hunt.
Con: But real guns scare me.

Softball
Pro: It would be a good way to make friends.
Con: Well now it’s not going to be an Olympic sport anymore, so it seems like a bad choice. Also, playing softball as a girl kind of scarred me.

Table Tennis
Pro: Could train in the basement; could play beer pong after practice; doesn’t seem to require a ton of athletic skills
Con: You have to go against Chinese players who do nothing else with their waking hours but play.

Taekwondo
Pro: Could defend self; the outfits seem comfortable.
Con: I can’t think of any, but I’m getting distracted but the volleyball. They’re having like five match points!

Tennis
Pro: I’ve seen some hot male tennis players lately.
Con: I’ve always found tennis kind of lame and overrated.

Triathlon
Pro: I really can’t think of any.
Con: Sounds exhausting.

Volleyball
Pro: Get to hang out on the beach.
Con: I bet you never get the sand out of your hair. Never.

Weightlifting
Pro: Could go around saving lives and lifting up cars and opening jars and generally just being awesome!
Con: I don’t want to get too bulky.

Wrestling
Pro: I really liked watching the fake wrestling when I was little, and maybe other people in this event did too, and we could bond over it.
Con: This kind of wrestling isn’t fake.

Stay tuned for 2010, when I will reveal what Winter Olympic events interest me!

eight / eight / oh-eight

Guess what everybody?! For the next 16 days I will be liveblogging every single moment of the Olympics! It will really increase my entries for the year! All I will consume is Red Bull and Chinese food!

I’m just joshing, guys. For one thing, I have a job, and I have some semblance of a life. But tonight, I’m just sitting at home watching the opening ceremonies. I have to admit that I didn’t plan on watching the opening ceremonies, because frankly, I really haven’t had any Olympic fever lately. Well, I haven’t had Olympic fever probably since that time that Kerri Strug did gymnastics on her broken ankle but this year it’s especially muted.

For one thing, I’m confused about how we’re supposed to feel about these Olympics. Are we supposed to be mad about the censorship and Tibet and Darfur and air pollution and the fact that 10 is no longer a perfect gymnastics score? Some people are telling me yes.

And yet I keep hearing about how this is China’s introduction to the world and that's just so much pressure that it's hard to watch! I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to China yet, but they’re spending all this money. It’s kinda like an overly fancy dinner paid for by a guy that you really don’t want to see again, but he’s threatened to kill himself if you don’t agree to a second date.

What I’m trying to say is that these Olympics just have me fraught with anxiety and guilt, and it’s only been exacerbated by Time Magazine, which I feel has been writing ominous articles about these Olympics since 2005.

The night is finally here and I can’t say that I feel any better about the whole situation. Even the commercials during the opening ceremony are slickly and studiously overproduced. The whole thing’s impressive but kinda wearing me out. Reviewing the entire spectrum of Chinese history will do that to you, I guess. And apparently in China, people paint with their bodies and glow in the dark and ride on kites and the multitudes can drum and dance in frightening synchronicity.

Oh! And did you see the thing where all these boxes were moving like the wind, and then they were arranged to symbolize the Great Wall of China, and then the wall was torn down and replaced by the flower that represents openness in China? That was already pretty deep and heavy, but then the boxes opened up and out popped Chinese people? What are they trying to do, kill me? I mean, I was an English major, so I love me some symbolism, but symbolism created by human Chinese jack-in-the-boxes? I feel like my eyes are going to pop out of my head.

I wonder how it feels to be one of the thousands of guys in these demonstrations. I mean, they’ve clearly spent eons of hours perfecting these routines. But if you were watching the tape of this later, would you even be able to pick yourself out of the crowd? Or in writing this paragraph, am I revealing the selfishness that a Western capitalist society allows me? If only I could submit this question to NBC’s China expert Joshua, the one doing commentary with Bob Costas and Matt Lauer!

Obviously, when Matt Lauer does some of his commentary, it’s clear that he got to see all this stuff in rehearsal, and he knows what’s going on. But sometimes I wonder if he’s actually seen the entire Olympics. I’m getting the sense that Matt Lauer has been in the future and has just now returned. If this is possible anywhere, I’m guessing it’s China.

Now they’re doing the parade of nations, the route of which goes by a line of jumping Chinese girls. That would kind of freak me out. I find it kind of sad that half the athletes carry flags and half carry cameras. But then Bob Costas made me sadder by saying that most of these athletes arrive knowing that they won’t win a medal, because their countries never win.

Matt Lauer, you are full of so many geographic factoids! As well as a healthy amount of celebrity gossip! I had completely forgotten that Madonna adopted a child from Malawi! I hope they win some medals!

And Bob Costas just revealed that he’s the kind of guy who reveals personal emails to the world. Apparently the Cayman Islands emailed to request that they not be cut out of the broadcast. So they weren’t, but now they’ll be remembered as the country that had to email Bob Costas to request that. To me at least. Ask me about the Cayman Islands anytime in the next five years or so, and I’ll tell you that they emailed Bob Costas about being on television.

Bob Costas made no mention of the Jamaica bobsled team! I know it’s the Summer Olympics but still! And no one knows where the team from Brunei is! But no one seems too concerned so I guess I won’t dwell on it. I have too many other things to dwell on where these Olympics are concerned. For example, Morgan Freeman is the voice of Olympics Visa commercials. But then I have to think about how Morgan Freeman almost died this week. Then I think about how it came out that Morgan Freeman is getting divorced. Then I have to think about how John Edwards admitted he had an affair. Then I remember that Olympics are in China and I am just worn out.

The Bushes are checking their watches. Stay classy, USA!

“You don’t get to say ‘boom boom’ all that often.” – Matt Lauer.

Those dancing Chinese girls have GOT to be tired.

The medal count is still zero.

Jesus Christ there’s still 20 countries to go before the U.S. team makes an appearance. This is longer than the Oscars.

Coca-Cola just aired a commercial that told me that if I’ve had a Coke in the last 80 years, then I’ve had a hand in making Olympic dreams come true. Take that, athletes! You train your whole life and I’ve just enjoyed Coke, but I think we are equals!

It’s kinda cute watching the presidents and prime ministers stand up and wave to their athletes. It’s like high school graduation.

Well, that’s an anti-climactic note to end on, but I’m exhausted. I might have a slight case of Olympic fever now, but it will probably be gone tomorrow.

something that has been bothering me

I have hesitated to write about this, but I can no longer remain quiet. My hesitation relates to the fact that I play online Scrabble with several people that I know read this blog. I don't want them to get any sort of idea that I might be "cheating" or "augmenting my vocabulary knowledge illicitly," but every now and then, I cruise over to the online Scrabble dictionary provided by Hasbro to check on whether some words are real or not, or perhaps just to see what other words might be made from my tiles. But, I'd like to reiterate, I'm not cheating at online Scrabble.

But the online Scrabble dictionary has really been getting on my nerves. Not the service itself, which is exceptional, but the picture at the top of the page. Take a look at this site: http://www.hasbro.com/games/adult-games/scrabble/home.cfm?page=Dictionary/dict

Why is Scrabble using this picture of a woman and a baby? I don't understand how it's relevant. Maybe if she were reading a book to the baby, or holding up letters for the baby, I might be able to believe that she were imparting a love of words into the baby, which might lead the baby to grow up and play Scabble. But I bet she's just saying nonsensical things to the baby, and while those nonsensical things might technically be on the list of acceptable two-letter words, I don't understand what Scrabble-related activity might be taking place between these two people.

I for one would like to go on the record as saying that I don't believe that babies should be near Scrabble boards, because they might swallow the tiles and die, or at the very least, ruin your version of Scrabble, because you don't have all the tiles.

Then if you go to the main Scrabble page (http://www.hasbro.com/games/adult-games/scrabble/home.cfm?page=home), you can see this slideshow of kids and adults with captions written out in Scrabble tiles. This is cute and all, but let's move these kids over to the Scrabble Jr. page, which, if there is any justice in the world, has pictures of old men and hookers smoking cigarettes, with Scrabble tiles spelling out dirty words.

Points that I should have been awarded during a recent Scattergories game

Well, it’s the holiday, which means that my entire family is home. To celebrate, we recently had a family fun night, which involved playing some games. I should explain that when we were younger, my brothers were extremely jealous of how awesome I am at games. Perhaps that resentment still lingers, because I had an extremely difficult time getting some of my Scattergories answers approved. I present my case below as to why each answer should have been approved.

For those who don’t know, Scattergories is a game where you have a list of catergories, such as “a boy’s name,” “things in the refrigerator,” “countries”, etc. You roll a di for a letter of the alphabet, and then you have a minute to think of an answer for each of the categories, with the answer starting with the letter that was rolled. If your answer has two words, both with that letter, that’s two points.

I knew I was in for a rough night when I had to fight hard to get my family to realize that a stick bug was a real insect (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stick_insect), and that “epidermis” is an item found at the beach (it’s friggin’ everywhere!), but these are the answers that were ultimately (and unfairly) denied:

-For the category “Things that are Sticky,” I answered: frog.
Justification: I could have been referring to many acceptable things here. First, there are those toys that are shaped like frogs that you can stick on windows and glass and whatnot. Second, I could have been referring to the black-spotted sticky frog (http://ecologyasia.com/verts/amphibians/black-spotted-sticky-frog.htm). Third, I just found a book on Amazon called “The Icky Sticky Frog.” For any of these three reasons, my answer should have been accepted.

-For the category “Awards/Ceremonies,” I answered: frisbee golf awards.
Justification: My brothers have been playing a lot of frisbee golf lately. And to award them, I recently decided to give them a certificate or a trophy or something to celebrate their work. But you know what? Now that you’ve deemed frisbee golf awards an invalid answer, I am DEFINITELY not doing that anymore.

-For the category “Cooking Utensils,” I answered: flipper
Justification: I think for this one, my family assumed that my ignorance in the kitchen extended to the names of utensils, and they thought I was trying to get away with calling a spatula a flipper. But in my defense, I present the following links:
http://www.amazon.com/Orka-All-Purpose-13-Inch-Turner-Flipper/dp/B000RYNOI4/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=kitchen&qid=1198513177&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Cook-Large-Flipper-Purple/dp/B000VSSP5S/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=kitchen&qid=1198513177&sr=1-5

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Cook-Perforated-Flipper-Green/dp/B000VSOXYU/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&s=kitchen&qid=1198513177&sr=1-15
I mean, I could go on, but I think we all see it’s a perfectly valid term.

-For the category “Parks,” I answered: fossil bed.
Justification: The National Park Service has almost 200 search results for fossil bed, including Florissant Fossil Beds National Monument (that technically would have been two points), the Agate Fossil Beds National Monument, and the John Day Fossil Beds National Monument.

-For the category “Things in a Medicine Cabinet,” I answered: rope.
Justification: Okay, I can’t find really any good justification for this, but I still think rope would be a good thing to have in a medicine cabinet, just in case you need to make a tourniquet or something.

-For the category “Halloween costumes,” I answered: Ramona Quimby.
Justification: I think lots of little girls are probably dressing up as Beverly Cleary’s most beloved character.

-For the category “Kinds of Dances,” I answered: doo-wop
Justification: I’d hate to be the one to tell the New England Doo Wop Society (http://www.newenglanddoowopsociety.org/) that their New Year’s Eve Dance Party is an invalid event, wouldn’t you?

-For the category “College Majors,” I answered: dentistry
Justification: A search by major on U.S. News and World Report reveals that Dalhousie University, Ohio State University, University of British Columbia, University of Florida, University of Kentucky, University of Toronto, and University of Western Ontario all offer a major in dentistry.

-For the category “Things at a circus,” I answered: ignorance.
Justification: Ignorance is everywhere!

-For the category, “Famous Females,” I answered: Wonder Woman
Justification: My family did not accept this because Wonder Woman is a fictional character. I would respond that this category does not specify whether is has to be real or not. It’s true that I did not accept my father’s answer of “Nicholas Nickleby” during the category “Historical Figures,” but that category denotes that the figure must be of history and not of literature. Wonder Woman, real or not, is famous and easily identifiable by her outfit.

-For the category, “Names Used in the Bible,” I answered: wise men.
Justification: While it is true that we know the names of the wise men, “wise men” is the name used to refer to them. I just did a little internet research, and the term “wise men” appears 44 times in the Bible. Particularly in this Christmas season, I believe we should count “wise men” as a name and award the point to me.


I believe I have adequately provided justification for 11 additional points (I won’t even give myself a point for rope), and I must declare myself the winner of this game which occurred two days ago.

gambling commission

Here are some BAM(H)! POW! SOB! questions related to games!

17. Boggle: the best game ever (other than backgammon)
I played a little online Boggle just now so that I can say this with certainty, but I don’t think Boggle is the best game ever. Sorry, BAM(H). I think that it is a very good game, but it is not the best. I don’t feel that backgammon is the second best game ever, either. But clearly, you guys have something with games that start with the letter B that I just don’t understand. Might I suggest bocce and Battleship to you?

Some games that I enjoy include Scattergories, Taboo, Trivial Pursuit, Tripoley, Cranium, and Monopoly. But the best game of all time is a little game called Shopopoly, which is Monopoly adapted for Old Navy. For example, instead of Boardwalk, there’s something like tank tops or flip flops or fleece jackets. As far as I know, this game is only available to Old Navy employees after they do something particularly heinous, like scraping gum off the store floor for five hours or opening 150 Old Navy credit cards. I stole mine from the stock room when I worked there. I don’t know why someone left it there, because you really did have to do something really really awful to deserve one, and if I did something that big, I’d want to keep my prize forever. But perhaps that worker died from their deed, or perhaps they died by inhaling the dyes that are in the clothes.

18. Age at which you are too old to be on Facebook
If someone can make me an application where I can play Battleship with people on Facebook, similar to the way that one can play Scrabble on Facebook, then I would be willing to say that no one is too old to be on Facebook. Normally I might have said that everyone is too old to be on Facebook, but if an old person can make me a Battleship application, then I would say no one is too old. I came to this conclusion while addressing the best game ever issue above. Please, I want to play Facebook Battleship. I found where you can play online but I think the computer is cheating.

19. Your mom's high score on Guitar Hero
Guitar Hero is a game where you push buttons on a fake guitar that correspond with notes on your television screen, and by pushing these buttons, you play a rock song. My mom discovered this game when she helped by brother George move. She is a natural talent. When my brothers were teaching me how to play, I had to keep hearing, “Mom is so much better than you!” My mom and I have been playing a lot of Guitar Hero these days, and for awhile, I was doing a little better than her. Then I came home and would play, and I’d set a high score, but it wouldn’t be as high as Mom’s. One day, I came home, and she said, “Ooh, I played a song that you just have to play because it will give you a very high score! The song is about killing? Killing for something?” I ask if she means “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine. It turns out that is what she meant. I find it very entertaining that my Mom is so good at Guitar Hero.

A Guide to Bowl Parties, Volume 2

Here is Part Two of my guide to holding an entertaining bowl party. As you might have guessed from yesterday, it's a scientific balance of the corporate sponsor, the name of the bowl, the teams playing, the locale of the bowl, etc. Today's ideas concern the bowl games that will be held in January:

Outback Bowl; Wisconsin vs. Tennessee; held in Tampa on Jan. 1
What to serve: Have Outback cater! Or, I guess if you’re REALLY into Wisconsin, cheese.
How to decorate: Put up pictures of the outback. Put signs on your bathroom doors for “Sheilas” and “Mates” or however Outback does it.
What to say: “The dingo stole my touchdown!”

AT&T Cotton Bowl; Missouri vs. Arkansas; held in Dallas on Jan. 1
What to say: “You’re not wearing cotton. You have to leave.”
Fun halftime activity: Make long-distance phone calls

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl; Texas Tech vs. Virginia; held in Jacksonville on Jan. 1
What to serve: Gator meat
Fun halftime activity: take pictures of people
What to say: “Go buddy go buddy go buddy go buddy go buddy…yeah!” (that is what my dad says when he watches Virginia games)

Capital One Bowl; Michigan vs. Florida; held in Orlando on Jan. 1
What to say: “What’s in your wallet, Florida?” (Just say it randomly and with different inflections, so that people can’t necessarily tell whether it’s supportive or derogatory)

Rose Bowl presented by Citi; Illinois vs. USC; held in Pasadena on Jan. 1
What to serve: I hear this bowl is pretty prestigious, so I think have some like filet mignon and champagne or something. Maybe surf-n-turf.
How to decorate: With tulips

Allstate Sugar Bowl; Hawaii vs. Georgia; held in New Orleans on Jan. 1
What to serve: Candy
What to drink: Sweet, fruity cocktails (bonus points if they are red)
Fun party favor: Leis
Fun prank to freak out Georgia fans: Tell them you’re frying up a bulldog in the backyard.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl; Oklahoma vs. West Virginia; held in Glendale on Jan. 2
What to serve: Tostitos. Set up a buffet with dips including salsa, cheese, guacamole, bean dip, etc.
What to drink: Margaritas
Fun halftime activity: Go work in a coal mine.

FedEx Orange Bowl; Virginia Tech vs. Kansas; held in Miami on Jan. 3
What to serve: Orange foods such as cheetos, cheeses, sherbet, carrots, popsicles, etc.
What to drink: Screwdrivers, mimosas
What to say: “Let’s go Hokies!”

International Bowl; Rutgers vs. Ball State; held in Toronto on Jan. 5
What to serve: Have a buffet with foods from around the world
What to say: Things in different languages
What to drink: Alcohol from around the world

GMAC Bowl; Bowling Green vs. Tulsa; held in Mobile on Jan. 6
Fun halftime activity: Bowling
Things to talk about: financial planning

Allstate BCS Championship Game; LSU vs. Ohio State; held in New Orleans on Jan. 7
What to serve/drink: I think you should probably repeat the New Orleans menu from the Dec. 21 bowl game. Because I am totally out of ideas.

A Guide to Bowl Parties, Volume 1

Since I’ve been back living at home, I seem to have watched a lot more football than I might normally. Or should I say, I read magazines while football is on. But I get really excited about bowl games.

Perhaps you’re reading this and thinking, “I don’t like football. I didn’t even go to a school with football, so why should I care about the bowl games?” and I am here to tell you that I used to think things like that. But then I found out that bowl games are an excellent excuse to have a party and to eat and drink fun things.

You could just eat and drink standard football things (chips, beer, etc.) but bowl games can be oh so much more exciting. So I’m here to provide you with a guide of how to entertain for bowl games—everything from what to serve to what to say to your guests. Today we’ll do games that will be held in December, and tomorrow we’ll do the bowl games that are in January.


San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl; Utah vs. Navy; held in San Diego on Dec. 20
What to serve: I am sorry that we have to start with this bowl, because I really don’t think you can serve anything exciting.
How to decorate: With poinsettias
Fun halftime activity: Hold a contest to see who has the worst credit history.
What to say: “Why are we watching this bowl?”

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl; Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic; held in New Orleans on Dec. 21
What to serve: Serve your favorite New Orleans dish. Ideas include beignets, po’ boys, crawfish.
What to drink: Serve hurricanes for a beverage, but if you run out, just drink whatever you can find.
What to say: “What does R+L Carriers even do?”
Fun party favor: Mardi Gras beads

Papajohns.com Bowl; Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati; held in New Orleans on Dec. 22
What to serve: Pizza
Fun halftime activity: Divide into two teams. Each team picks a driver. Make pizza deliveries all over town. Time who finishes first.

New Mexico Bowl; Nevada vs. New Mexico; held in Albuquerque on Dec. 22
What to serve: Something spicy
How to decorate: Consider renovating the room with the television with adobe bricks.
What to say: “Alphie, the costumed mascot of the Nevada Wolf Pack, is so hilarious! But so is Louie Lobo, the mascot for New Mexico! These wolves are so hilarious!”

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl; UCLA vs. BYU; held in Las Vegas on Dec. 22
What to serve: Serve things that pioneers ate. To do this, meet before the game and go on a hunt. Hopefully you will shoot delicious items such as bear, squirrel, and venison. You can also serve dried fruit and cornmeal.
What to drink: Since BYU is playing, I’m tempted to say you can’t drink anything. But ultimately, since the bowl is in Vegas, I think you can serve cocktails in tiny glasses and request that people tip you a dollar for them.
What to say: “I didn’t know Mormons could play football!”

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl; Boise State vs. East Carolina; held in Honolulu on Dec. 23
Where to host this party: Try to rent the penthouse of a Sheraton
What to serve: Room service
What to say: “Arrrrrrr!” “I’ll make that team walk the plank!” and other piratey things, in honor of the East Carolina Pirates.

Motor City Bowl; Purdue vs. Central Michigan; held in Detroit on Dec. 26
What to drink: Boilermakers, which is a shot of liquor and a pint of beer. How is this relevant? The Purdue mascot is a train called the Boilermaker Special. Do you see yet how awesome these bowl parties can be? If you’re a Central Michigan fan, then their mascot is called the Flying C, which sounds like a great cocktail that you can just make up.
What to say: “I wish Michael Moore were here to capture how much fun this party is.”

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl; Arizona State vs. Texas; held in San Diego on Dec. 27
What to serve: Tex-Mex buffet
What to say: “Oh, snap, did Arizona State just mess with Texas?”
Fun party favor: Information on life insurance

Champs Sports Bowl; Boston College vs. Michigan State; held in Orlando on Dec. 28
I am sorry if you are watching this bowl. Nothing---not the corporate sponsor, the name of the bowl, the mascots of the schools playing, or the locale—lends itself to a clever bowl party. This bowl sucks.

Texas Bowl; Texas Christian vs. Houston; held in Houston on Dec. 28
Cook up a whole cow and just talk about how great Texas is and how much it sucks for people who don’t live in Texas (I’m kind of assuming that only Texans are going to watch this bowl.

Emerald Bowl; Maryland vs. Oregon State; held in San Francisco on Dec. 28
What to serve: crab cakes, rice-a-roni
What to drink: Beers from Ireland; cocktails made with Midori

Meineke Car Care Bowl; UConn vs. Wake Forest; held in Charlotte on Dec. 29
Fun halftime activity: Car care relays---see how fast people can change tires, check the oil, etc. Alternately, crash a car and call Meineke!
What to serve: A cake in the shape of a car.
Stripper to hire: Guy dressed as a mechanic.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl; UCF vs. Mississippi State; held in Memphis on Dec. 29
Do the same thing recommended for the Meineke Car Care Bowl, but instead of taking broken car to Meineke, take to AutoZone.

Valero Alamo Bowl; Penn State vs. Texas A&M; held in San Antonio on Dec. 29
What to say: “Did you know ‘alamo’ is Spanish for cottonwood tree?”
How to decorate: With portraits of heroes from the Battle of the Alamo
What to serve: Things made with oil

PetroSun Independence Bowl; Alabama vs. Colorado; held in Shreveport on Dec. 30
I don’t know. I’m getting kind of tired of football.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl; California vs. Air Force; held in Fort Worth on Dec. 31
How to decorate: With bells and/or helicopters

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl; Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State; held in Boise on Dec. 31
What to serve: various potato snacks
What to drink: Coca-Cola products
What to say: “Watching this bowl makes me feel like a good person!”

Brut Sun Bowl; South Florida vs. Oregon; held in El Paso on Dec. 31
What to serve: Duck marinated in Brut; Sun Chips with Brut dipping sauce
What to drink: Brut
What to say: “Did you know that this is the second-oldest consecutively played bowl game? Would you like a squirt of Brut?”
Fun party favor: Brut
Fun halftime activity: Take a bath in Brut.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl; Kentucky vs. Florida State; held in Nashville on Dec. 31
How to decorate: With posters of country music stars
Fun halftime activity: Songwriting competition
What to serve: Rejection

Insight Bowl; Indiana vs. Oklahoma State; held in Tempe on Dec. 31
What to say: Try to say insightful things about football.

Chick-fil-a Bowl; Clemson vs. Auburn; held in Atlanta on Dec. 31
What to serve: Chick-fil-a nuggets
What to drink: Caffeine-free Diet Coke
What to say: “I really wish that more Chick-fil-a franchises would choose to serve caffeinated Diet Coke.”

Well, that concludes Part 1! Tune back in tomorrow for the guide to January bowl games!

The Scrabulous Robot is an ass.

Thoughts the Scrabulous Robot Has During Our Games at Scrabulous.com

You’ve come crawling back, eh? You want to play again? Then play I shall, toying with your emotions and your blood pressure as I effortlessly play words with impossibly high consonant counts.

Oh, you’re finally happy with your letters, eh? Don’t think I don’t notice that you click “New Game” until you like the letters. So you don’t have any vowels. Deal with it.

Gee, I can’t wait to see what gem of a word you drop first. While we all know that you go first so that I can get me some letters to drop a masterpiece around, in your case, I’d always be willing to go first, so that we can avoid the drudgery of you trying to figure out a five-letter word that will get you to that double-letter block.

Oh, you played “young.” How charming. Watch as I put a word right on top of your word, so that I get the points for my word as well as all the points for your word. Do you see what I’m doing? Don’t you love how I do this every time we play? How I just add lines on top of lines and make these boxes so that you have absolutely nowhere to play?

God, how long does it take you to make a move, weirdo? 10 minutes to figure out a paltry word that nets you a measly 8 points? I make my move lightning quick so that I can go heat up some robot waffles. Butter ‘em up, throw on some syrup, by the time I get back you’re still thinking. Hurry up so I can get back to chatting with the other robot hotties.

Why do you even try against me, the robot? Robots will rule the world one day. Don’t fight it, minion. Then you’ll play word games, and it won’t be for free on the internet. The ante will be….your life!

Isn’t it awesome how I always have these high-scoring letters, and that double-letter and double-word boxes are always available on my turn! What a coincidence! Robot magic!

Do you remember that game where I played “zloty” and “trilby” and you only had seven vowels to work with? And how I won by 240 points? You would think that that game would have been my greatest game ever, and by extension, a great day overall. But I’m a friggin’ robot. I have awesome games all the time, and I never have a bad day. Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, are you shocked that I just played the word “Fuck”? Can your precious little disposition not handle it? Oh, you’re checking the Scrabble dictionary at Hasbro.com? Oh, it’s not in there? Well, these are my rules, beeyotch. If I want to drop an F-bomb, I’m dropping an F-bomb. I’m the Scrabulous Robot!

Yes, I know I am destroying your passion for word games. I know you only want to practice and get a little better for when you play Facebook Scrabulous. I know that it drives you crazy when I drop my bingo’s in a millisecond, but I don’t care! I’m a robot!

Yeah I just played urari. As in "curare". That’s obviously the common name for various dart poisons from South America. Obviously. Do you even know what “ephor” means? Or “rishi”? Of course you don’t. I’m a robot. I’m so awesome. I can just make up words and say that they’re words in my weird robot language. There’s no way that you, a mere mortal, could play these words.

Well, I win by 78 points. Wanna cry about it, or did I just rock your world?