this day in popes

As we all know, I just love popes. In fact, if it seems like I haven’t been blogging too much lately, it’s because I’ve been spending a fair amount of spare time cross-stitching the likeness of Pope John Paul II. If you have never cross-stitched before, I can tell you that it takes hours and hours for it to look like you’ve done anything at all, but it is a good activity to do while you watch junky summer television.

Anyhoo, one of the reasons I’m big on popes is the concept of infallibility, which as super powers go, is a pretty good one. However, papal infallibility is a relatively new concept, brought about by Pope Pius IX. And today we shall discuss good ol’ Pius IX, because it was on this day in history in 1846 that he was elected pope.

Things started getting exciting as soon as Pius IX was elected pope, and I mean that literally, because Pius’s election was confirmed at nighttime, so there was no chance to spread the word about what had actually happened during the conclave. People assumed that this other guy had been elected pope, and as per tradition, the other guy’s pals went to his home and burned all his vestments because he would get new papal ones. Then, the next day, they find out that actually, that other guy wasn’t elected pope. AWKWARD.

Pius IX came into office at a tricky time during Italy’s history – the Risorgimento, or unification of Italy. At first, it looked like Pius IX was a liberal pope in favor of unification, because he did things like install streetlights and railroads, which his predecessor wouldn’t do because he claimed that the world should remain exactly as God made it. Pius also granted asylum to political prisoners and got the Austrians out of Italy. Though he was super popular, Pius IX didn’t want to be some sort of symbol for unification. By 1848, he had given a speech that writer Eamon Duffy, in his book “Saints and Sinners: A History of the Popes,” called “a douche of icy water on the overheated enthusiasm which had surrounded his first two years as pope.” What an awesome sentence.

Anyways, people didn’t like the papal states holding up the unification process, so Pius IX went from super popular to super unpopular. Then Pius IX’s papal minster was assassinated. So Pius IX disguised himself as a priest, which I guess was not really that much of a disguise at all, and fled to Naples. By this point, Pius IX saw people working for unification as working for the devil, while he of course, worked for the Lord. Eventually Pius IX returned to Rome and the papal states fell. This is part of why papal infallibility came about. Because the pope lost so much political power in the transition, many people wanted to grant him increased spiritual power.

But before Pius IX pushed through infallibility for himself, he had some other things to attend to. One of his biggest accomplishments was the dogma of immaculate conception, as well as a publication entitled the “Syllabus of Errors,” which I think we must all agree is one of the most wonderful titles of anything in the history of the world. He was involved in this bizarre situation whereby a Jewish boy was taken from his parents, baptized as a Christian, and then kept away from his parents based on some rule that Christians couldn’t be raised by Jews; one of my pope books includes an anecdote of the pope playing hide-and-seek with the boy under his papal robe, a regrettable description in the light of recent sexual abuse in the church. Pius IX also called Vatican I, arguably in the top two as far as Vatican councils go. Pius IX was the first pope to be photographed, and he also got all this work done while suffering from epilepsy.

However, by the time he died, Pius IX was not liked that much. He spent his last years as the “prisoner of the Vatican,” which is not too bad a gig, and Pius actually did quite a bit in terms of sprucing up St. Peter’s and the Vatican. Still, he considered himself a prisoner because he didn’t like the financial arrangements or power structures that were offered to him after the Risorgimento. When his dead body was being moved to its burial place, people threw rocks at the procession and tried to throw his body into the Tiber River.

Despite all the controversy, though, John Paul II beatified him in 2000; one has to wonder if John Paul II thought that he would break Piux IX’s record as longest-serving pope (after Saint Peter). However, John Paul II only served as pope for almost 27 years, meaning that Pius IX is still the longest-serving pope, at a whopping 31 years and 7 months. The fun facts just don’t stop with Pius IX. Actually, they do. Longest-serving pope was the last fun fact I had at my disposal.

happy birthday to the best fish I know

Today is a big day in my apartment. Today is my fish Alvin’s birthday!!! Well, technically it is merely the anniversary of the date he came to live with me, but that is far more depressing and time-consuming to say and surely he wasn’t swimming around in that little cup in the pet store for too terribly long before I came to rescue him and put him into a slightly larger home. You can read the story of his arrival here: http://iwiggleitjustalittlebit.blogspot.com/2008/04/something-fishy-is-going-on.html

In honor of Alvin’s birthday, I decided to see what was happening on this date in history. And it is not good at all. It’s the anniversary of Columbine. It’s Hitler’s birthday. If I had gotten him a day earlier, he could have shared an anniversary with Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI and with Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier, as both couples were married on April 19. Plus he could have shared an anniversary with Pope Benedict XVI, who was elected pope that day. Or, if I had gotten him on April 21, he could have at least shared a birthday with Queen Elizabeth II. But noooooooooo. I had to give him Hitler and Columbine. I am such a bad fish owner.

Overall, though, Alvin and I have had a pretty good year together. I think it was a good year for me because I didn’t kill him, and also because I stopped having elaborate fantasies that I would come home from work to find him dead. I’m glad those ended because they were really messing with my head. And I think Alvin would say it was a good year for him because he doesn’t live in a little cup at the fish store anymore, and he could have gone home with some crazy person who might have had cats that would have eaten him by now.

That’s not to say it’s all been roses. As I have mentioned before on my blog, Alvin is a pretty emotionally needy fish, and he gets very upset when I leave for work or vacation, particularly the latter, because it means I leave a feeding pellet in his bowl that leaves the water cloudy and smelly. And that means I’ll have to change the water when I return, and Alvin does not like that one bit because he becomes convinced that I am trying to kill him, even though I speak sweetly and reassuringly to him the entire time I clean his bowl.

Still, we have come to an agreement. I will give him two pellets a day and in return, he won’t die and traumatize me. I can put up with his attitude if he can put up with the fact that he has to live in a tiny bowl with a fake frog. To celebrate his birthday, I am going to make taco salad and we will watch Dancing with the Stars, because most of the costumes resemble the fringe and flash that Alvin himself has. Happy birthday, Alvin!

i could have danced all night

Man oh man. What an Inauguration Day. We got to take a little pause from work and watch the swearing-in and the speeches. People in the office broke into applause after Obama took the oath of office and then you could have heard a pin drop while Obama gave his speech. What a moment.

But now I am home and on the couch and watching all the commentators re-live the day. And the Obamas are going to TEN balls! I would be happy just to go to one ball in a big poofy dress but they are going to TEN! So I decided to make a list ten balls that I would like to go to:

1. Pope Ball
This would be a ball held in Vatican City. The Pope sits in a chair and watches everyone dance. All the males have to come dressed as their favorite pope. Or they get assigned a pope, because we don't want everyone coming as just John Paul II or something. Maybe it would be creepy to dance with a man dressed as a pope; after all, they are supposed to be celibate. But I think I would get over it. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type wore in the Renaissance.

2. Southern Belle Ball
By this I mean a ball that takes place in the south. I know I live in Atlanta, so it's not inconceivable that I could go to such a ball one day. But I'd like the ball to take place in pre-Civil War times, ideally. I am pretty much modeling this idea on a few scenes in Gone with the Wind. Requested attire: Big poofy dress of the type worn in the pre-war south.

3. Underwater Ball
I keep hearing about these snazzy restaurants where you eat in enclosed glass while fish swim all around you. This would be a ball like that. Where you dance in glass surrounded by fish. But only pretty fish. No scary fish. Nothing like eels or anything. Requested attire: Whatever dress you want.

4. Art Museum Ball
I was thinking of some awesome art museums in Europe that would be fun to have a party in. So just a ball where people get to run around in an art museum. Particularly one with sculpture all around. And you can say things like, "Darling, go get me a class of wine and I will wait for you by the Monet." Requested attire: an outfit that has actually been in a painting.

5. Castle Ball
I guess this is sort of obvious. But what would really make this ideal is if we still lived in the kind of world where there was really a chance of meeting a prince and becoming princess and have it mean something. If there was still really that stress of producing male heirs to continue the monarchy. I can't decide what time period I'd want, or even what monarchy I want to marry into. But basically a big ol' royalty ball.

6. North Pole Ball
This would be an outside ball. It would be all snowy, but not uncomfortably cold. There are a ton of elves, both male and female, so that you always have someone to dance with. Santa dances with all the ladies. You get presents at this ball. You arrive at this ball in a sleigh. I know these aren't Christmas per se, but if some adorable creatures could scamper around during the dancing, that would be ideal.

7. Cheese Ball
Picture a huge cheese wheel. Like the hugest cheese wheel you've ever seen. Now picture it 29384093840293840 percent bigger…so big that we could carve out the middle of it and have a circular cheese wall big enough for people to dance in. At the ball they would serve the cheese that was carved out of the middle, but it would also be encouraged to just take pieces of cheese from the wall. Cause the ball is not over until all of the cheese walls are eaten. Requested attire: a big poofy dress that is loose enough to accommodate you eating a lot of cheese.

8. Roller skating ball
You know how fun it is to wear a huge poofy dress? And you know how fun it is to roller skate? Well, COMBINE THE TWO and you have a roller skating ball.

9. Amusement Park Ball
You can dance all over the amusement park. OR YOU CAN RIDE ALL THE RIDES. Also all the concession stands are free during the ball so you can eat lots of hot dogs and funnel cakes.

10. White House Ball
But this isn't an inaugural ball. Oh no. This is a ball where all the dead presidents appear and dance with the living. You can chat them up about what they think about the country now and they try to offer you snacks that were typical of their time. Lincoln would be a total playa at this ball and would always be trying to show the ladies the Lincoln Bedroom.

a doodled daydream....from the future!

Here's a scary thought.

This is how my mind works. Because I'm sick.

I was just making a promise to myself that I would never ever write so many blogs in one month again simply to meet an arbitrary goal. Rather, I was making the solemn vow that I would be diligent in posting to my blog throughout the year, so that I would never be in this position again. Instead, I would quite naturally just end at about 200 entries at the end of the year.

But then I had the thought that maybe I would be so diligent about posting that I would reach the 200 mark at say, October, and that I would be in this position again next year, except I would be blogging my ass off to reach 300 posts!

Like I said, I have the illness, in my head. That's just crazy talk.

OR IS IT????????

And then, just when my thoughts couldn't get any sicker, I thought, "But, hmmm. I'm out of seasonal centerpieces to photograph."

I must not allow myself to think such thoughts in my delirium.

But perhaps this is what 2009 could be like:
Molly: Pope, Barack Obama...this year I'm trying to get to 300 entries!
Pope: Why does this girl keep daydreaming of us, Barack?
Barack: Why is Molly wearing the same clothes as last year?

a doodled daydream

Here is a daydream I just had:


In case it is too small to read, here is the text:
Molly: Pope and Barack Obama, will I finish my blog entries?
Pope: Well, this drawing will put you closer to your goal.
Barack: Yes you can!

Now that I read it over again, I don't think the pope likes that I am just using a drawing for one of my entries. I wish he had been more positive.

This Day in History: Dec 13

What happened this day in history? Well, the first thing Wikipedia alerted me to was the abdication of the papacy by Celestine V in 1294. This is actually a pretty cool story that I read up on in my pope books. After the previous pope died, there was a two-year stalemate in deciding upon a new pope. There was this guy, Peter, who was out living like a hermit in an order known for its very strict lifestyle. He wrote a letter to the electors and said, hey, please settle this thing for the good of the Catholic church. The electors, needing a compromise candidate, said, hey, about this hermit Peter? And so hermit Peter became Celestine V.

Celestine V wasn't too thrilled about becoming Pope, because he would have rather kept up his hermit lifestyle, punishing himself in penance to God. And no one in church leadership, once they got a good look at Celestine, was too excited either -- one book talks about how the man was basically illiterate and how every other word he said was something ridiculous and slightly vulgar. Perhaps to give him something to perform penance for later, I presume. But the election of Celestine V got all these little factions of hermits excited, because they wanted him to reform the church so that everyone was a penitential hermit.

Celestine V decided to keep living the life of a hermit, even within the public office of the papacy, so he lived in a little cell and gave day-to-day responsibility to a few cardinals. Despite his self-induced solitude, Celestine V did manage to pass a couple of rules, one of which was that a pope had the right to abdicate the office of Pope. Very convenient, Celestine V. After that rule was put into place, Celestine V decided to take advantage of it himself, and he gave this big speech where he announced his resignation; as he talked, he stripped off his papal clothing. Then, legend has it, or as I am making up right now, he ran naked to the woods to continue being a hermit.

Now, while he may not have run naked back to his hermit lifestyle, that was Priority Numero Uno for Celestine. Unfortunately, the next pope, Boniface VIII, was a little worried about an ex-Pope living like a hermit out in the wilderness. He figured that everyone who was inspired by Celestine V's brief reign would seek him out and make him a cult figure of sorts, which could represent real problems for the legitimacy of Boniface VIII. So Bonny 8 sent some goons out to get Celestine, and he kept him imprisoned for the rest of his natural life. Now, Celestine was up in years, about 90 or so, so it's reasonable to assume that Celestine died of natural causes. But rumors persist that Boniface actually starved him to death, or even shot him. It is a mystery for the ages. But because Boniface had such a rocky reign, with many conflicts with the French king, people think it could be possible.

Dante sent Boniface to hell in The Divine Comedy, and unfortunately, Celestine, despite his pious hermetical ways, is depicted as standing right outside hell, because Dante figured if that Celestine had not abdicated (which, as a reminder, happened on this day in history in 1294), then Boniface VIII would never have become pope. Perhaps the lesson here is never quit your job, because the person who gets it next might imprison you and possibly kill you, and despite whatever good you tried to do while as a hermit, you're still going to be forever remembered in literature as standing near hell. Remember that the next time you're about to quit something.

penguins are so sensitive

This morning I saw this story on CNN:

But I guess I was kinda tired because I read it as "Pope meets koala, texts PENGUINS."

When I realized my error, the article became A LOT less interesting to me.

My week with the pope

Have you been feeling popetacular in the past 24 hours? Do you feel the popetastic vibes in the air? Benedict XVI (or as I call him, B-16 Bomber) is in America! Now, he has a pretty packed schedule, what with mass in Yankee Stadium and speeches at the U.N. and whatnot. I know this schedule allows for B-16 to have the biggest impact on America and to see the most Catholics. But what I wanted to do was imagine what would happen if Benny was just here to visit me. This schedule has to assume that I don’t have to go to work for the rest of the week. Here is what we would do:

April 15
4:00 p.m.—The pope arrives. A very quiet evening—perhaps a walk in the park, and then the pope goes to bed early because he might be jet-lagged. Plus, we have to get up early in the morning to begin our jam-packed week.

April 16
7:00 a.m.—We go for a speed walk in the park, because a papal visit is no excuse to ignore one’s exercise. Then we go back and take showers.
8:30—Go to Krispy Kreme. Wait for the red light to go on and eat some warm and fresh doughnuts.
9:15-3:30—Driving tour of Atlanta in the pope-mobile. I will show B-16 all my favorite spots; stop at a barbeque restaurant for lunch.
4:00—Go to a happy hour for a few cocktails. Pope and I discuss my spiritual health, what heaven is like, etc.
7:00—Oh my, where did the time go? We are a bit tipsy at this point and go grab some dinner (probably Italian).
9:00-?—We stay out, go to a bar. I attempt to get the pope drunk to tell me weird Vatican secrets. Crazy late night. Go to Waffle House.

April 17
7:00—Even though we were up to the wee hours talking about the secrets of St. Peter’s, Popey and I still get up early. We go eat fried chicken and waffles for breakfast.
8:00—Go to Georgia Aquarium, which is the biggest in the universe or something.
12:00—We go to Lenox Food Court, where the pope helps me with the Great Food Court Project. We both eat at Chick-fil-a and talk about how hard it is to get chicken nuggets in Rome.
1-4:00—Pope wants to do some high-end shopping (he’s very stylish!)
4-5:00—Nap.
5-7:00—Margaritas by the pool.
7-9:00—Leisurely dinner. (Mexican?)
9:00—Play pub trivia at a local bar (2nd place!)
11:00—Come home and watch the television we recorded while we were at trivia. B-16 has totally been jonesing for new Grey’s Anatomy since the drought caused by the writer’s strike.

April 18
7:00—We eat biscuits and gravy for breakfast
8:00-1:00—We go to Six Flags and ride roller coasters til the pope gets a little too dizzy. He claims to see God on some of them.
1:15—Go to the Varsity for hot dogs.
2:00—Take the CNN Studio Tour. The pope and I do that thing at the end where you get a souvenir video of yourself reading the news. Just for kicks, we do it in funny voices and the pope does it in several languages.
5:00—We go to the place down the road where you can paint pottery and then have it fired. We primarily stick to things like chalices and other things we can give to churches.
7:00—Okay, at this point, I need to stop being so selfish with the pope. I host a small party at my apartment so that our nation’s dignitaries can meet and greet the pope. The dignitaries that I particularly hope to attract to this party include John Cusack, Barack Obama, Pete Seeger, Stephen Colbert, Bruce Springsteen, Lee Pace, John Krasinski, Albert Brooks, George Clooney and Tom Russell. I mean, I don’t expect everyone to be able to make it. I’m shooting for 60 percent.

After a wine and cheese reception, then a lovely dinner, we all go over to Stone Mountain and watch the laser show. Then we come back to the apartment and the party continues. It goes til very late and approximately 167 bottles of wine are consumed. A fight breaks out when some of the dreamy actors argue about who gets to go out with me. The pope settles it with a prayer.

April 19
7:00—We have cinnamon rolls for breakfast
8-10: We go to the Jimmy Carter Presidential Library and have a private conversation with Jimmy Carter. They get in an argument about religion. It’s awkward.
10-1: Go to the World of Coke. We try all the Cokes. The pope prays for forgiveness for the countries that have made crappy-tasting Coke.
1-2: we have a picnic in the park
2-4: We do Civil War-related things, like the Cyclorama and the Margaret Mitchell House.
4-8: We go to the Braves game, and the pope does that whole mass at a baseball stadium thing, because apparently he’s into that.
Rest of the evening: We are feeling kind of tired so we just get some Chinese takeout, make a Funfetti cake, and kick back and watch some movies.

April 20
9:00—We slept in. Decide to skip church.
9:15--We go get some pancakes.
10:15— Pope and I go to coffee shop to read magazines.
11:15—Go swimming
12:30—Burgers and beer for lunch.
1:30—Go for a walk, nail down all the spiritual issues that we’ve been discussing over the week.
2:30—Bookstore browsing.
3:30—go to a bar, and just hang out. Pope is getting sad because he knows he has to leave soon. We play pool.
6-8: We have a very elegant dinner at an undisclosed location. Undisclosed because I’m not sure what the height of Atlanta luxury is in terms of dinner locations.
8 pm—Pope has to leave for Rome. But we totally promise to write and call and stay in touch.

Well, I guess that’s about it. Benedict XVI, if you happen to read this, it’s not too late! I can totally squeeze this down a little bit and we can make this plan happen!

Endnote: I just tried to make a hilarious doctored photograph that would make it look like the B-16 Bomber had his arm around me. But it’s not working. So just imagine it.

apples to apples

Thanksgiving was fun. I made an apple pie. This is Pope John Paul II and the Holy Turkey blessing my pie:


Why aren't there any Black Friday deals at bookstores? Like, every book is $5 between 5 am and 7 am. I would get up for that.

July 30th, a play

List of characters
Giorgio Vasari, born July 30, 1511
Thorstein Veblen, born July 30, 1857
Emily Brontë, born July 30, 1818
Henry Ford, born July 30, 1863
Delta Burke, born July 30, 1956

Setting: the Catherine Palace, Russia

(The stage is dark. A great clatter is heard. Lights come up on Giorgio Vasari and Thorstein Veblin in the Amber Room . They stand up, look around, brush themselves off)

Giorgio Vasari: Eh, looks like it’s Russia again, Vebby my boy.

Thorstein Veblen: Harumph. Conspicuous consumption, if you ask me.

Giorgio Vasari: True. But you must admit, it’s one of our finer options for our birthday party. I hope we don’t have any new attendees this year. I quite tire of explaining the very simple concept that brings us all together each year.

Thorstein Veblen: You mean the alteration of the time-space continuum that allows all notable figures who were born on the same day to gather for a birthday party in a location that must have also hosted a notable event on that day?

Giorgio Vasari: Yes, that! So simple, really.

Thorstein Veblen: I think you just tire of explaining who you are to newcomers.

Giorgio Vasari: Well, of course! Everyone should know me! I am revered among all serious art history students for Le vite delle piu eccellenti pittori, scultori, ed architettori. Where would art be without me? I was friends with Michelangelo for Pete’s sake!

Thorstein Veblen: At least you don’t have to try to explain evolutionary economics.

Giorgio Vasari: We should be okay as long as that dreadful Delta Burke doesn’t show up.

Thorstein Veblen: Agreed. I don’t know how she does it though. The only people who are allowed to pass through the continuum are dead.

(Emily Bronte enters, forlornly)

Thorstein Veblen and Giorgio Vasari (together): Happy birthday, Emily!

Emily Brontë: Oh, hello boys. Happy birthday to you.

Thorstein Veblen: What have you been up to Emily?

Emily Brontë: Oh same old, same old. Wandering on the moors.

(Henry Ford drives in; the radio is playing “Bangledesh” by George Harrison)

Henry Ford: Beep beep!

Thorstein Veblen (dancing and singing along to Bangladesh): You know, if there’s a better song that was released this day, I certainly don’t know what it is.

Emily Brontë: I rather liked it in 1792 when 500 men in Marseilles sang France’s national anthem for the first time.

Giorgio Vasari: I hate the French. I must, for I am Italian.

Henry Ford: Is Schwarzenegger here yet?

Giorgio Vasari: No, he is governor of California if you can believe it. 60 today.

Henry Ford: Any sign of Delta?

Giorgio Vasari: Not yet.

Thorstein Veblen: Talk about conspicuous consumption!

Emily Brontë: I am chilly here.

Giorgio Vasari: You are chilly everywhere.

Emily Brontë: I like to wander on moors.

Henry Ford: We’re all aware, Emily. The playwright did not care much for your book when she read it in high school, and so it seems that wandering on moors is doomed to be your only character development in this ongoing play.

Thorstein Veblen: At least she read your book. She just scanned my Wikipedia entry to refresh her memory on me.

Henry Ford: I think she’s ambivalent to me. She drives a Toyota.

Giorgio Vasari: Well, she just loves me! She had to cite me all the time in her renaissance class in Italy!

Emily Brontë: I can’t wait until Kate Bush comes. Her first single was called “Wuthering Heights.” She will understand me. Kate is 49 today.

Henry Ford: Now, what happened here again?

Giorgio Vasari: On this day in 1756, the architect presented this palace to Empress Elizabeth. Now people come and wait in line forever to see the restored Amber Room. They get let in for fifteen minutes and try to take as many pictures as possible before they’re kicked out again. That is certainly not how we treat people at my buildings. My buildings include the loggia of the Palazzo degli Uffizi, and renovations of Santa Maria Novella and Santa Croce.

Henry Ford: Er, right. Well, this is certainly cheerier than that birthday party in 1839 aboard the Amistad! Or the 1870 party aboard the burning Staten Island Ferry.

Giorgio Vasari: True, true. All right, it looks as if we’re all here….

(loud boom. Smoke. Delta Burke enters. Everyone grimaces)

Delta Burke: Hello! I made it! My husband, Gerald McRaney and I were just vacationing in Russia and so I made it!

Thorstein Veblen: Well, hello Delta. We thought this year the continuum might actually be closed to you.

Delta Burke: Of course not! I’m a July 30th! The continuum always opens for me!

Henry Ford: But if you can make it, why can’t that Lisa Kudrow? She’s adorable.

Delta Burke: Have you eaten yet?

Giorgio Vasari: Let’s cut the cake. Just like all other years, it is the best birthday cake in the world, a Funfetti cake.

All: How lovely!

Delta Burke: Gerald McRaney, TV’s Major Dad, is in the car. He loves Funfetti cake.

Giorgio Vasari: Who doesn’t, Delta. But he can’t have any.

Delta Burke: He was also on Simon & Simon.

Giorgio Vasari: (Slams down cake knife) I am getting sick of discussing Gerald McRaney’s body of work every year! We have one day a year we get to gather, Delta! One day a year that some of the finest minds in history get to gather and talk, and instead of talking about my friendship with Michelangelo or amusing anecdotes that I made up about Giotto, we have to discuss Gerald McRaney! Do you even know who Cimabue is? Does Fra Filippo Lippi ring any bells for you? I coined the term Renaissance!

Delta Burke: Calm down, Giorgio. I understand you. After all, I am a Designing Woman myself. (giggles) Also, I was Miss Florida.

Emily Brontë (gets on all fours, arches back like a cow): Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooors.

Thorstein Veblen: This is a conspicuously consumptive conversation, if you ask me. Giorgio, cut the cake.

(they all eat in awkward silence)

Delta Burke: I like Russia better than I liked the birthday party we had in 579.

Giorgio Vasari (slamming the cake down) Don’t even start with me Delta.

Delta Burke: What? Who wants to eat Funfetti cake while watching a man die?

Giorgio Vasari: I do, if that man was Pope Benedict I. I can think of nothing more honorable than watching the end of a pope’s reign.

Delta Burke: But Giorgio, there was a famine. The Loopheads were destroying Italy.

Giorgio Vasari: It’s Lombards, you idiot.

Delta Burke: Plus, the scene just wasn’t very drawn out.

Giorgio Vasari: Well, there weren’t many records of that time, were there? The Lombards destroyed them!

(silence)

Delta Burke: You know, when Gerald McRaney and I were on vacation at the beach this year, I tried to read everyone’s books. (everyone looks up, expectantly) but I didn’t finish them. (everyone looks down again)

Emily Brontë: (finishing cake) This cake is so good that I want to wander on moors and then die of a broken heart.

Henry Ford: Well, if no one minds, I think I’m going to go see if I can go for a drive in Baltimore, founded this day in 1729.

Thorstein Veblen: Can I go with you can just say conspicuous consumption over and over?

Henry Ford: Of course, you’re the birthday boy! Emily, ride to the moors?

Emily Brontë: Yes, I want to go there and wander.

(they exit)

Delta Burke: Giorgio, I wasn’t trying to say that I didn’t want to be with the popes on my birthday.

Giorgio Vasari: What were you trying to say then?

Delta Burke: I liked the birthday party we had in 657, when St. Vitalian began his reign as pope.

Giorgio Vasari: You did?

Delta Burke: Of course! A pope involved in the monothelite controversy, and that Archbishop Maurus of Ravenna controversy! Why, People Magazine could not come up with anything juicier!

Giorgio Vasari: Oh, Delta, you do understand!

(they embrace)

Delta Burke: Oh Giorgio, it’s been so long.

Giorgio Vasari: About a year, my dear. How long do we have?

Delta Burke: Well, Gerald McRaney and I have plans to go the Hermitage and then to Patio Pizza.

Giorgio Vasari: Just a few minutes, then, my love. A few minutes with you, a true work of art, is all I need the whole year through.

(they kiss, and the lights go down)


The End