the best of the rest of key west

Well, this is the third and last posting about our stop in Key West on our cruise. I’m kind of amazed I got three posts out of the stop – the whole stay was only a few hours. Key West is definitely some place that I would like to go back to, so I could really get in laidback mode and wander the streets and whatnot. February seemed like a really nice time to go…not too hot.

If it had been hot, I don’t know if we would have made it down to the southernmost point in the United States. We got there by walking about a mile, I guess, down Duval Street. At that point we were only 90 miles from Cuba, which a helpful marker alerted me to. There was a line of chumps waiting to take a picture with the marker, but we just snapped pictures in front of the monument right after the person posing walked away. In my opinion, the people waiting in line were chumps.

The rest of our time in Key West was devoted to walking around, peeking in shops and partaking in the local delicacy of key lime pie. It was a piece of pie put on a stick and then dipped in chocolate, and let me tell you, it was heavenly. The lady in the shop said they had been on Rachael Ray, so take that for what it’s worth.

Right before heading back to the cruise ship, we visited Mallory Square. It’s a famous spot for famous sunsets, but we were setting sail at 2 so you’ll have to use your imagination as to what a sunset might have looked like here. Or, you know, just find a picture of what it would have looked like on the internet.

All around Mallory Square you can hear chicken and roosters squawking. Apparently the chicken and roosters can run free on Key West, something that about half the people like and half the people hate. I think that visually it was neat, but it was hard on my ears.

And that was our few hours in Key West. I leave you with a picture of the sailor I hope to return for one day. Our time together was brief, but our love remains fiery.

the ghosts of Key West

After you see where Harry S. Truman vacationed, there are two other men who are indelibly linked with the town of Key West that you have to pay tribute to. Those men, of course, are Jimmy Buffett and Ernest Hemingway.

If you were raised a faithful Parrothead, as I was, then Key West is a sort of mecca. If Jimmy Buffett hadn’t gone to Key West, then he might just have been a failed country singer. But instead, he went to Miami for a show, only to find it cancelled. Jerry Jeff Walker drove him down A1A to Key West and the rest is history. All the good old Jimmy Buffett albums were made there. This was back in the day before Jimmy Buffett became a brand and started selling $400 margarita makers. This was back when Jimmy had a guitar and a boat (just one) and did a lot of drugs. When cruise ships didn’t stop in Key West but instead there might have been real pirates. It sounds kind of awesome.

Since I listened to nothing but Jimmy Buffett until I was like 12, I knew there were many locales we should be looking for as self-respecting Parrotheads. We found one early enough: Caroline Street. According to Jimmy, at one point, there was a “woman going crazy on Caroline Street.” In the song, the woman drinks beers and hits on men from shrimping boats. Jimmy sings it, “she slowly guzzles twenty five cent beers.” I only recently realized that there might be a hyphen between twenty and five. I thought she drank twenty beers that cost a nickel. I guess 25 cent beers might be more realistic in any economy. But when I thought that lady could put away 20 beers, I really thought she was a badass. So anyway, there is a picture of me going crazy on Caroline Street, but it’s not on my camera so I can’t show you.

Now, Jimmy sings one song about how “Duval Street was rocking,” which caused his eyes to start a popping. That street was very easy to see because it’s the main drag in Key West, and we walked the length of it. Off Duval, though, is Capt. Tony’s, which is mentioned in the song “Last Mango in Paris.” But I knew all about it from my family’s repeated listenings to the 1990 live album, “Feeding Frenzy,” in which that song gets an extended intro that goes:

“I’d like to do a song that was written about a good friend of mine down in Key West, where I spend a little bit of time. This particular friend ran a bar in Key West for a long time before we got fed up with all the other alternatives to politicians and elected our favorite bartender mayor. Our mayor’s name is Captain Tony Tarracino (Molly’s note: when I was little, I thought Jimmy said, “our mayor’s name is Captain Tony Terry you know him?” and I would always think, no, Jimmy, how am I supposed to know this guy?) He has a little place called Captain Tony’s saloon.” (Molly’s second note: Even years later, I can remember that intro by heart. I am SICK)

And here I am at Captain Tony’s!


There are bras on the ceiling! (not pictured)

Now, Captain Tony’s brings us to Ernest Hemingway, for Captain Tony’s Saloon was the original spot for Sloppy Joe’s, a bar that is now famed as Ernest Hemingway’s hangout. First off, I am not a very big Hemingway fan; I haven’t read much of his work and I will not be able to rattle off random passages or lines as I just did for Jimmy Buffett.

But being a writer myself, I did want to have a drink where Papa did, to see if I could catch any of that Hemingway magic. Maybe come back with an idea for a book about bulls or war or safari. I had a margarita, voted the best in Florida. Well, that was one strong margarita, about as strong as my mom’s daiquiri, and as my dad put it, we’re lucky Hemingway wrote anything at all that made any sense. And I certainly hope he didn’t drive himself home afterward.

Unfortunately, I don’t think Ernie would like Sloppy Joe’s much now, as it’s mostly a tourist attraction. I guess if he liked seeing himself on t-shirts he might like it. But given how he ended his life I am not sure he would.

Here is Sloppy Joe’s.


We didn’t have time to tour the Hemingway house, but I think I caught a little of his spirit, and I did have many a photo opp with him:



I'd like to think that in this last picture I qualify as his "Catch of the Day." (He is holding a fishing rod. It might be kind of hard to see at the smaller size.)

Dewey defeats Truman

One of the first things my parents and I did on this cruise ended up being one of our favorite things of the whole trip. After sailing from Miami in the late afternoon, we docked in Key West in the early morning the next day. As you may know about my family, we're all equipped with historical sensors that allow us to tell when we're near some place of presidential importance. As it happens, the only presidential museum in all of Florida (I guess until Jeb rules us) is in Key West , at the Harry S. Truman Little White House.

Harry Truman wasn't exactly planning on becoming president. He's a senator, and he heads the Truman committee, which looked into military wastefulness, and then boom, FDR dies and he's the president. This is all thoroughly depicted in the HBO original movie "Truman" starring Gary Sinise. This movie, according to Wikipedia, was made in 1995 and I very distinctly remember watching it. I'm will readily admit that sometimes when I think of Harry Truman I think of Gary Sinise first. I'm not ashamed by that. But I digress.

Anyways, Truman had only been vice-president for less than a hundred days and then he's president. All sorts of crazy crap is going on, like the war and the Manhattan Project and who knows what else. He has to deal with that and then the guy is really tired. His doctor orders him to get some R&R. So he heads to Key West . Now I think we are beginning to see why he is one of our most esteemed presidents.

Truman just had the best time in Key West , hitting on girls on their spring break and drinking really strong margaritas with the ghost of Ernest Hemingway. No, I joke. Hemingway was still alive at this point, and Truman actually didn't leave the military compound, it sounds like. But he returned to the same house 11 times over the course of his presidency, taking working vacations there that totaled 175 days. Now it is known as the Truman Little White House. So off my family went to see it.

Here is what it looks like:


When you take the tour, first you watch a video about Truman and his relationship with Key West . He liked to wear crazy tropical shirts and have a parrot sit on his shoulder (only one of those things is true). Each morning he would go for a brisk walk, have a good breakfast, and then settle in to do work with a military stenographer. He worked on the Marshall Plan and civil rights executive orders there. He had supreme court justices and other bigwigs down to play poker with him. At night he might watch some newsreels or listen to some records. Maybe he'd go fishing. It sounds like kind of idyllic life, as far as being the president goes.

And it was kind of idyllic house to do it in. On the tour, you see Bess Truman's bedroom (she might need her own in case the president was called away in the middle of the night to do something presidential) as well as her awesome deck for reading and card-playing. That deck was so awesome in fact that it was kind of hard to remember that the house wasn't air-conditioned back in the day and might not always have been a pleasant place to sit.

Then you see the president's room; Truman insisted on a daybed so that he could take a nap without disturbing his ready-made bed. Good thinker, that Truman. Also good thinking: the way he set up his bar. He had a bar that was kind of set back into another room. The wood that made up the bar also made up his custom poker table, which had a lid so that you could cover the poker table and have tea. In case you were a delicate, easily shocked lady or something, as apparently Bess Truman was. Additionally, there was a very nice dining room and a living room that had the man's desk, complete with a sign that told you exactly where the buck stopped.

Truman's the focal point of the tour (our very excellent tour guide called Truman his hero) but Truman's not the only president to go to the Little White House. The first president to go was actually Taft, and after Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Carter and Clinton all visited. Kennedy even discussed the Bay of Pigs there with the British Prime Minister. Colin Powell held peace talks at the house and there's an open invitation to any president or dignitary who might like to stay there. But no matter who visits, it seems that house will always belong to Truman. Perhaps because he loved it so, and because he wore so many tropical shirts. Perhaps because they already invested in restoring all that furniture from the Truman era.

Anyways, as I mentioned at the beginning, this stop ended up being one of everyone's favorite stops during the entire cruise. In part, it's because our tour guide was such a good, entertaining storyteller, and in part, it's because a president could vomit on a street corner in 1874 and that would become something my family would like to see. (How I wish Truman had vomited on a street corner in Key West) If you find yourself in the middle of that spectrum, then I think you would like this place. Even if you're not obsessive about your presidential landmarks, it's impressive to see that desk where he worked, complete with his sign that let you know about the buck and its stopping.

Here I am, giving Harry hell:

i'm a cruiser, baby

Well, I am back from my vacation and ready to blog. So ready to blog, in fact, that blogging every day is one of my Lenten resolutions, along with giving up chocolate, soda and not doing stomach crunches. Luckily, I have a wealth of material on my vacation to get this daily blogging off to a good start.

When I leased the apartment in which I currently live, more than a year ago now, I won a free cruise for two. Since my mom helped me with the apartment hunting, it seemed only right to take her, and since my dad is married to my mom, it seemed logical to throw him into the mix as well. Plus, I like traveling with my parents.

To be honest, though, I didn't think this cruise would ever come around. Like I said, this was all over a year ago, and when something has been booked forever, you tend to forget about it. Also, it was sort of a hard thing to anticipate, since I had never been on a cruise before. My parents had been on one cruise before, twenty years ago. So they figured some things had probably changed.

But then finally it was cruise time! We were gone for 4 days to Key West and Cozumel before we returned to the Port of Miami. And while I don't want all of my future vacations to be cruises, I can definitely support the cruising lifestyle. And let me tell you why. Cruising is exactly like summer camp. Fancy summer camp, floating summer camp, but summer camp all the same.

Exhibit A: There were bunk beds in our room.

Other exhibits:
--There are dining rooms that you go to at very specific times to eat
--Sometimes there are field trips to various ports of call
--There are staff members that basically serve a counselor role in terms of planning activities and making sure you are okay. Sometimes they sing to you.
--There are arts and crafts.
--There are games
--There are athletic events
--There are talent shows
--You can go swimming
--Sometimes you have to wear a life jacket:

And there's an actual camp that kids go to so their parents can drink. So the whole premise kind of holds up.

Of course, there are many things that cruise ships have that summer camps do not have, unless summer camp has changed dramatically since my day. Those include: alcohol, casinos, drunk old people, piano bars, regular bars, places that really aren't bars but that serve alcohol anyways, art auctions, drunken bachelorettes, duty-free shops and lobster tail for dinner.

And of course, there are some things that are universal, be you at summer camp, on a cruise ship, or just going through your life, and those include skanks in the hot tub and old people who shouldn't be wearing bikinis attempting to do so anyway.

Now, I will get into all the details of our ports of call and ship activities in later posts, but let me just say that cruising definitely suits my vacation style because it's the best of both worlds: You get to plan all sorts of fun activities for yourself, but if you don't want to do anything, that's okay too. You can sip fruity drinks with your mom (picture 1) while looking at pretty scenery (picture 2).

Picture 1:

Picture 2: (leaving Miami on Day 1)

The only real drawback to cruising is that now I weigh 497 pounds. Oh well!

there's a lot of thoughts up here

Hello darling blog readers. Tomorrow I'm leaving for a brief vacation, which means I'll be away from the blog for a few days. Now, of course, it probably seems like I've been away from the blog forever, but I will return with many anecdotes for the blog, I am sure.

But on the plus side, I'm leaving you with an absolute epic blog entry. It's an interview with my youngest brother William. This is the kind of entry that will keep a person busy for days. William, aged 21, is a student at Appalachian State University. He told me recently that he was going to start a blog called "I Wiggle It Just a Little Bit More."

When asked to describe William, my mom said, "tall, lanky and full of self-confidence. You never know if he will have a beard or no beard, short hair, long hair, no hair. But he will always have jeans and boots." Let's learn about Mom's little "precious precious" straight from the man himself, via 21 questions that I asked him.

Molly: William, what is your earliest memory of me?
William: Are all these questions going to pertain to you? Hmm. I don't have a very good memory. Probably playing school in George's room and hating every minute of it. I mean, playing the "Head of the Class" board game and hating every minute of it. I'd be stuck in kindergarten and you'd be valedictorian.

Molly: What was your favorite vacation?
William: What was the vacation where I got dropped on my head? Cincinnati? Don't put that. [At this point, Mom lists off all the vacations we've ever taken] Don't put Disney World because I got in trouble for pulling Mom to the ground and skinning her knee. I'd say the beach, with the anticipation of George and Dad arriving after a baseball tournament. [While I write all this down, Dad asks if William has something on his nose. He does not]

Molly: What's your most disgusting habit?
William: Hocking loogies.

Molly: What's your best habit?
William: Making people feel awesome.

Molly: Give me an example of making a person feeling awesome, using me as your subject?
William: Ooh. Ouch. Ummm....Can I change my best habit?
Molly: You'd rather change your best habit than make me feel awesome?
[everyone in the room laughs]
William: Maybe my best habit should be making people laugh, which makes you feel awesome.

Molly: Where do you see yourself a year from now?
William: Hopefully working for my cousin, making big bucks.

Molly: If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
William: I'd probably stay right here. The beach, I guess. Actually, my own island. I don't want people throwing their beer cans on my island. If it's messy, I made it that way. You can buy weekends there for a million dollars a weekend, though. Non-inclusive. I just provide the plot of land.

Molly: What was it like being the only child, after George and I left home?
William: I got very spoiled. No, not really. It was fun.
Mom: (interjecting) William would wake us up every night when he came in and put us to bed. We worried after he left who would wake us up and put us to bed.

Molly: William, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being very successful, and 1 being not very successful at all, how successful would you say we are at sharing a bathroom?
William: Ten! We share our bathroom well. I don't really bitch about anything you do. You keep it pretty clean. When my sink gets stopped up, I just move over and use yours. Now, you may not see the situation as good as I do.

Molly: Tell us about your relationship with your cell phone? [Author's note: William is never without his cell phone. He must talk on it 3/4 of the day]
William: It's my lifeline to the world. Am I addicted? No, I think other people are addicted to using it to get to me. I'm in high demand.

Molly: Tell us what your perfect day would be.
William: Getting up with no sleepies in my eyes, getting the perfect amount of sleep. Not groggy. Breakfast of eggs, sausage, english muffin, water. A little "Morning Joe." Shower...no, dooker first then shower. Surf the web. Play disc golf. Eat at a barbeque establishment. Maybe a beer. A drive on the parkway. A football game -- college only. For dinner: steak, baked potato, salad, glass of milk. Then just laying on the couch with a fire going. And I want my bed already made up, so that it's ready for me to get into. And a movie.

Molly: What's your going out style?
William: I like to get g-ed up from the feet up to get d-ed up. Sometimes I like to stand in front of the mirror. Did you ever see "Teen Wolf?" Where he goes, "She's right, you are an animal!" I do that in front of the mirror. "Teen Wolf" is one of my top 5 movies of all time. I was gonna be Teen Wolf for Halloween one year.

Molly: What's your best pick-up line?
William: I don't need pick-up lines. I just learned this, though: "All those curves, and me with no brakes."

[There's a pause as I write this down]

William: You know, I don't know if my perfect day would include only one dooker after that much food.
Dad: It's your perfect day, William. You can have as many dookers as you want.
William: But I feel so good after a dooker.
[This part, in which my family debates how many times you should take a shit on your perfect day, continues for awhile]

Molly: Okay, William, space aliens have landed and want to see the best of North Carolina. Where do you take them?
William: Well, first I'd compose myself after the initial freakout of being put in charge of this. I mean, why do I have to show the aliens around? I guess I'd take them to my school, Appalachian State University, to get t-shirts. I would not bring them here, because I do not trust them. I'd probably take them to the Appalachian Trail and leave them. I don't really want to be hanging out with these aliens.

Molly: Alright, so now let's say that you have a friend visit North Carolina for the first time. Where would you take that person? That's what I'm trying to get at.
William: I guess Asheville. Look, I don't want to have to drive from Boone to the f'in beach to show these people around.
Molly: Okay, just Asheville then. Where would you take them?
William: In Asheville...the Biltmore Estate. The Grove Park Inn and the piano bar. A Tourist game, given the proper season. We'd check out the bill at the Civic Center, see if anything's playing. Go on the Urban Trail, cause that will explain a lot that I don't have to. I'd take them to my church so they could see the glory of it. I'd take them to Barley's, the upstairs portion. There's nothing else I really like about Asheville. We can walk by the drum circle, but I don't want to stay very long. We'd have a mojito and be done with the tour of Asheville. And I'd take them to one overlook on the parkway but just one. And they could buy an Asheville sticker.

Molly: Tell us a good memory that involves your brother George.
William: All of them.
Molly: Anything particularly hilarious or touching?
William: Well, we just had a pretty good laugh about aliens. Actually, maybe the Hammock Olympics. We had this old wrestling championship belt, and to win it, we took turns running down the hill into the gully. At the bottom of the hill, the other one of us was lying in the hammock GRIPPED TIGHT. The goal was to get the other one out of the hammock. One time George got hurt bad, so we stopped. I still have that belt. It had flames on it that we got from clip art.

Molly: If you could be awesome at one sport, what would it be and why?
William: Baseball. First baseman. I've played first base the entirety of my career. And I want to be a good hitter. RBI king, home run king, I want to be batting a thousand, like I did for the Greenscape Dodgers when I was little. 34 at bats, 34 hits.
George: So you want to be you at 5?

Molly: If someone wanted advice about why they should go to Appalachian State, what would you tell them?
William: I don't think I should be influencing people like that. They have to make choices for themselves.
Molly: Well, what would you tell them about why you like App?
William: Look, you have to bait the hook to suit the fish. If someone's into mountains and snowboarding, then go to App. If they're into big cities and bars, they should go elsewhere. Boone's beautiful, App's beautiful. I like the fact that I recognize people on a daily basis. It's small enough to see people, even if you don't know them. I'm on a first name basis with all my teachers. It's a beautiful place to go to school. But don't rent from the Winkler Organization if you choose to rent an apartment off campus.

Molly: If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
William: Invest it. Well, I'd go a little crazy at first, then I'd invest it. No, here's what I'd do. I'd buy a Toyota Tacoma, 4-door, extended long cab. Then I'd invest it.

Molly: William, do you have any advice for my readers?
William: I don't think readers need advice on reading. I don't think I can advise a reader on what they should read or how they should interpret it. Read and enjoy it. If you don't enjoy it, fuck it. Maybe you'll be inspired to write something better. If you like it, leave an encouraging comment for my sister so she has confidence to write bigger and better things. And I advise you to read about me, and if you have questions, leave them with Molly.

Molly: Last question. What are 3 things that scare you more than aliens?
Mom: Commitment?
William: Yeah, commitment, in certain situations. Also, sketchy people, and I think you all know who I'm talking about. Thugs. I was held down by a thug. Also, college. I'm not the best student. Like, if you took oral tests, I would do better than just writing a test. But I'm almost done with college. Maybe I'm scared of that. I'm scared of Dad, when I'm overdrawn on my account, or when I've used too many cell phone minutes, or when I've sent too many texts, or when I haven't mowed enough grass or done all the recycling. Actually, I seek approval too much. I'm scared of making the wrong decision, too.
George: So basically you're scared of thugs, Dad and yourself?
William: Yeah, I guess so.

[Molly's note: It should be noted that I chose to end the interview here, because William seemed to be done, and because my hand was tired. But 10 minutes later, William was still talking about his innermost fears. As he put it, "there's a lot of thoughts up here!"]

President's Day

Lately I've been wishing I could be Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted presidential scholar. But I would like to be Doris Kearns Goodwin without all the years of study. I just want to be an expert on something without all the work, okay?

Naturally, I've been thinking about Doris Kearns Goodwin today, today being President's Day. And of course, I have been thinking about presidents. Perhaps you have seen in the news where there was a new ranking of the best and worst presidents. The survey was done by CSPAN, and here were the results:

The Top 10 Presidents are: Lincoln, Washington, FDR, T. Roosevelt, Truman, JFK, Jefferson, Eisenhower, Wilson, Reagan.

The Bottom 10 Presidents are: Buchanan, Andrew Johnson, Pierce, William Henry Harrison, Harding, Millard Fillmore, George W. Bush, Tyler, Hoover and Hayes.

These presidents were judged by noted historians and scholars on leadership characteristics that included public persuasion, crisis leadership, economic management, moral authority, international relations, administrative skills, relations with Congress, vision/setting an agenda, pursued equal justice for all, performance within context of times.

Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say BORING. Sure, moral authority and administrative skills are important. But are they the MOST important things? I think not. That's why I set about today to establish the best and worst presidents by more interesting criteria.

Since CSPAN used 10 characteristics, I picked 10 also. I went with:
1. Attractiveness: Because, let's admit it, we judge people on their looks.

2. Coolness of Name: Maybe this category was selected to help my man Abraham Lincoln, maybe it wasn't.

3. First Lady: Was she awesome? Or was she lame? I judged this based on looks and by skimming her bio.

4. Quantity of Fun Facts Discerned by Skimming Wikipedia Biography: Like I said, I want to be Doris Kearns Goodwin, but I don't have all day. I need to get in quick and leave with sparking cocktail conversation without doing a lot of heavy lifting.

5. Interesting Experiences Before the White House: Were you a door-to-door salesman? Cause I find that infinitely more interesting than 10 terms as a senator.

6. Scandals: Was this president interesting in a juicy, tabloidy sort of way?

7. End of life/Legacy/Things Named After Him: This was probably the most arbitrary category. If the Wikipedia bio said specifically that a president was well-regarded or poorly regarded, I took that into account. But I also took into account if a president had interesting last words, a fascinating death of story, or an abundance of things named after him.

8. Interesting Pictures on Wikipedia Page: What can I learn just by looking at pictures? Quantity and quality were important here.

9. Would we elect this guy today?: This category took into account how this president might be perceived in today's world. For example, would we elect a guy in a wheelchair? Why do we still crave military men? If the president stumbled into office without an election by means of succession, and then never won an election, he fared poorly in this category.

10. Wikipedia citations: This, to me, was meant to be a measure of how much interest there was in a particular person. It would both measure a level of obsession (i.e., a Wikipedia stalker spending time citing every single sentence on an obscure president) as well as a level of scholarship, as the number of sources would indicate that there were many things worth studying about this person.

Each category was worth 0-10 points, except for Wikipedia citations, in which I took the number of Wikipedia citations and added it to the rest of the score. This quickly proved to be troublesome. First, the obvious reason--modern figures are much more likely to be cited obsessively, cited every day when they do something. Also, I was surprised by how this category damaged Lincoln (only 83 citations) yet aided someone like Benjamin Harrison (112 citations!). George W. Bush is the president with the most Wikipedia citations, with 311, and Barack Obama, who's barely even done anything as president yet, has 215.

So clearly, counting Wikipedia citations is an extremely flawed ways of going about things. It results in a list like this:

Top 10 Best Presidents
1. George W. Bush
2. Ronald Reagan
3. Barack Obama
4. Grover Cleveland
5. Richard Nixon
6. Harry S. Truman
7. Bill Clinton
8. Teddy Roosevelt
9. Calvin Coolidge
10. FDR

Top 10 Worst Presidents
1. Warren G. Harding
2. Martin Van Buren
3. Zachary Taylor
4. James Buchanan
5. Rutherford B. Hayes
6. James Monroe
7. John Quincy Adams
8. Millard Fillmore
9. William McKinley
10. Andrew Johson

Look, I don't have to be Doris Kearns Goodwin to know that these results are serious flawed. So then I re-did the lists, taking out the Wikipedia citations, and these are my official results:

Top 10 Best Presidents:
1. Abraham Lincoln
2. Teddy Roosevelt
3. Ulysses S. Grant
4. JFK
5. Woodrow Wilson
6. Harry S. Truman
7. (3-way tie) George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, FDR
8. Ronald Reagan
9. (tie) James Garfield, Barack Obama
10. (tie) Grover Cleveland, Eisenhower

Top 10 Worst Presidents
1. Warren G. Harding
2. Benjamin Harrison
3. Martin Van Buren
4. Andrew Johnson
5. (tie) John Adams, Calvin Coolidge
6. Zachary Taylor
7. John Quincy Adams
8. James Madison
9. James K. Polk
10. Millard Fillmore

And here are some notes I took during the process that might help explain some of my thought processes:
--Jefferson was a president hindered by not having a cool first lady, but he was immensely helped by the scandal of Sally Hemmings!

--John Quincy Adams did nothing for me, looks-wise. But he had an interesting death story! According to Wikipedia, when the House was debating whether to honor Army officers who served in the Mexican-American War, Adams shouted "NO!!" at the same time that everyone else yelled "AYE" and then he collapsed. His last words are reported to have been, "This is the last of Earth. I am content."

--John Tyler totally got off easy with the way he slipped that second wife into the White House!

--Zachary Taylor may have been poisoned!

--Millard Fillmore's last words were "the nourishment is palatable," after being fed some soup. The adorableness of that was not enough to help him out of the other holes presented by his Wikipedia bio.

--James Buchanan may have been gay! He was def. hurt by not having a first lady, and also, you know, by not stopping the Civil War.

--Tommy Lee Jones should totally play Andrew Johnson in a movie!

--Ulysses S. Grant: attractive, blessed with a cool name, and a good first lady. he wouldn't even let her get surgery to correct her crossed eyes, because he found it too sexy the way it was.

--About the only interesting thing people could say about Benjamin Harrison's wife was that she "was the first First Lady to be born in October."

--McKinley has shockingly few Wikipedia citations, leading me to believe that this could be my niche, should I really try to pursue this Doris Kearns Goodwin thing.

--New favorite First Lady: Florence Harding: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_Kling_Harding. There's a new bio coming out next month! But her interesting backstory cannot make up for his other faults, so he kept ending up on the worst lists.

--There are surprisingly few photographs of JFK on his Wikipedia page. For such a handsome president, that really should be addressed.

--I know Barack Obama really hasn't done anything yet. But what can I say? He is good looking, has an interesting name, an awesome First Lady, an intensely enjoyable Wikipedia page, and we'd obviously elect him in this modern age. Those were the categories, after all. Let's hope I am prescient.

meatballs

Well, it's probably obvious by now that I'm in a bit of a blogging slump, with the This Week in History posts serving as my only lifeline to the blog in a given week. I'll try to get back on the ball. But as soon as I wrote that somewhat optimistic statement, then I saw a commercial for a new Hannah Montana movie. So now I am a bit gloomy about the world again. Perhaps this week's historic events might cheer me up?

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 8
A glimpse at the events of February 8 answers that question very clearly. The events of Feb. 8 were very dark indeed. A doctor accused some girls of being witches, kicking off teh whole Salem Witch Trial thing. Mary Queen of Scots was executed. A thing called "The Devil's Footprints" mysteriously appeared in southern Devon (if it hadn't happened in 1855, I might try to make some sort of Miley Cyrus joke). The first exceuction using gas took place, the controversial film "Birth of a Nation" premiered, the Orangeburg massacre took place, a dust storm hit Australia, and Anna Nicole Smith died. History is really bringing me down lately.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 9
I am going to try really hard for the rest of this entry to focus on positive things. So let me tell you that today is the date that Joe Pesci was born; Pesci would go on to entertain America AND THE WORLD in his films Home Alone and Home Alone 2.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 10
Okay, here is a freaky coincidence. This morning I was reading an article in my new American History magazine (thanks, Dad!) about how P.T. Barnum took the dwarf General Tom Thumb to meet Queen Victoria. By all accounts, the queen really got a kick out of the dwarf and his routine, but she was still very concerned about his well-being. But according to Wikipedia, on this date in 1840, Queen Victoria married Prince Albert, and on this date in 1863, General Tom Thumb married another dwarf named Lavinia Warren. Wikipedia doesn't say whether General Tom Thumb picked the date to honor Queen Victoria, but it does say that the tiny couple stood on top of a piano to greet their guests, and after the wedding, they got to meet Abraham Lincoln at the White House. I don't want to sound crude, but why do dwarves get to do everything?!?!?!?!? Please don't be offended, little people.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 11
How are these events connected: the birth of Sarah Palin, the birth of Jennifer Aniston and the death of Sylvia Plath? If you guessed that they all happened on this date, then you are right! So get ready for the news shows and the comedy shows to comment on the Sarah Palin thing. And get ready for all the celebrity gossip sites to comment on the Jennifer Aniston thing. And salute your inner teenage girl regarding the Sylvia Plath thing, because I've never met a teenage girl who wasn't intrigued by Sylvia Plath's death.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 12
Did you know there was a king of Italy called Charles the Fat? I didn't, til right now, and it briefly cheered me, until I learned that the guy was considered lethargic, inept and was believe to have epilepsy. Then I felt guilty. Anyways, he was crowned today. But in happier news, everyone's favorite president, Abraham Lincoln, was born today! Me, I'm planning to wear a top hat ALL DAY. It's also Judy Blume's birthday, if you'd prefer to walk around angsty all day.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 13
I am trying to stay positive but it's hard to do when the most interesting thing that happened today was the birth of Peter Gabriel!

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 14
On this day in 1859, Oregon was admitted to the U.S. as the 33rd state. I'm going to start calling Oregon "America's Valentine."

Happy Super Bowl Day

Well, after George and I collaborated on our blog entry this morning (Courtney was in the shower), the three of us headed over to the Varsity, famed Atlanta institution. We made Courtney order since it was her first time there. After a delicious lunch, George and Courtney packed their car and headed home. I tried to do a little exercise to undo all the junk we consumed over the weekend, but as I write this, I figure that might be futile as I’m about to head off to a Super Bowl party. But before I go, let’s see what happened this week in history.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 1
Holy shit it’s February. I don’t know if I’m still logy from all the hot dogs I ate today, but I can’t find anything I really want to write about. Clark Gable was born, but people already know how much I love Gone with the Wind. The “Battle Hymn of the Republic” was published and I like that song, but I don’t have all that much to say about it. This feels like a cheat, since the Super Bowl is on this date again, but today’s the anniversary of the Janet Jackson Nipplegate Super Bowl. So the best thing I can think to say about today is we got an awesome 12 minutes of the Boss coming up tonight.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 2
Man, I’m not finding anything interesting about this day either. So let me just tell you some more things I did with George and Courtney, in addition to the things already mentioned in the other entry: we went to H&M, we went to Jimmy John’s, we went to IKEA, we watched like 8 episodes of “The Girl Next Door,” and we ate some delicious desserts and drank a lot of wine.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 3
Fifty years ago today was the day the music died, meaning we lost Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper. But hey, on this day, we got the births of German composer Felix Mendelssohn, Italian composer Luigi Dallapiccola, French organist and composer Jehan Alain, Quebec singer Alys Robi, British singer Frankie Vaughan, American singers Dennis Edwards, Johnny Cymbal and Shawn Phillips. Plus Japanese musician Yasuharu Konishi. Also we got Dave Davies. And rappers Daddy Yankee and Sean Kingston. So how do you think they feel that today is the day the music died? Also, do you think the day would really become cursed if another singer dies today? I hope no one famous dies today. Tomorrow, I can’t be so sure.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 4
On this day in 1789, George Washington was elected the first President! Then on this day in 1792 he was elected to a second term! So I think a fun thing to do today would be to walk into a place of business and try to purchase something. Then, instead of handing over the money, throw a bunch of one dollar bills in the air and tell the befuddled cashier some fun facts about George Washington. But if you want to save that stunt for Washington’s birthday, that’s probably okay, too, though it will likely be more expected.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 5
It’s always kinda weird when you see someone was born and died in the same week. Or just if their name pops up a lot in a certain week. On this day in history, outlaw Belle Starr was born, but died almost exactly 41 years later on Feb. 3. I prefer if people die after one last birthday, because if it happens in the other order, I wonder what happens to the presents. Though I don’t know what kind of presents an outlaw gets.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 6
Ronald Reagan was born on this day. Will I eat his favorite candy, Jelly Bellys, at this Super Bowl gathering? Likely not, but I do need to stop blogging soon and head over there.

THIS DAY IN HISTORY: FEBRUARY 7
Which is why I will tell you ever so briefly that today’s births are quite an esteemed group: John Deere (1804), Charles Dickens (1812), Laura Ingalls Wilder (1867), Garth Brooks (1962), Eddie Izzard (1962), Chris Rock (1965), Ashton Kutcher (1978) and Tina Majorino (1985). An abundance of interesting births brings this lackluster week in history to a close.

Technology: good or evil?

I haven’t blogged in a few days, as you may have noticed. It’s because I’ve been having a very hard time with technology as of late. My work computer basically exploded and I didn’t want to take any chances with my home computer. Plus, all I had to talk about was how much I hated technology, which seemed sort of awkward to discuss on a blog. Because blogs depend on technology.

But this weekend, my brother George and my sister-in-law Courtney came to visit me in Atlanta. I figured that George would provide a counterpoint to my technology emotions, because he recently bit the bullet and got a Blackberry and he loves it. In fact, he even told me at one point about how he might do a guest blog about how much he loves his Blackberry.

But after this weekend, that post might be a little longer in coming. George almost threw his Blackberry out the car window on Friday. In preparation for the drive down to Atlanta, they had put Mapquest directions on the device, and had done extensive Atlanta research about attractions. Having loaded the Blackberry with directions, ideas and their dreams, they headed off on Friday morning, hoping to be in Atlanta in time to go to the aquarium while I was at work.

However, only 20 minutes into the trip, they began to question the directions that the Internet had given them. Apparently the highway they were on had at least five names. An hour later, things were even more dire, when they pulled off to the side of the road and were utterly failed by technology. Neither Blackberry nor cell phone nor laptop loaded with Verizon Wireless card could give them directions. They questioned man’s dependence on technology, and they questioned whether they had it in them to avoid a homicide-suicide scenario. Perhaps you think I’m exaggerating, but I can’t tell you how many times George mentioned the words “homicide-suicide” later that night.

After driving for three hours yet barely making a dent on the map, they finally got pointed in the right direction, via the low-tech method of calling one’s parents. Shaken, they went to Burger King and Starbucks to recover. Important to note: though technology had screwed them over so badly, they still used a laptop and a Nintendo DS while replenishing themselves with iced coffees. So they are quick to forgive, probably a good trait for married people.

After seven hours on the road, they finally reached Atlanta, which is only about four hours away. They met me, and of course I was anti-technology. But the night’s events didn’t require any technology. We went to the Sweetwater Brewery and enjoyed many delicious hoppy and malty beverages, which have been around since time began, no fancy technology needed. Then we went to George’s, which has the most delicious hamburgers in Atlanta and doesn’t need no stinkin’ technology to make them. Then we went to bars, and drank, and didn’t need any internet advice on how to do that, though perhaps George and I should have reviewed some online rules about whether liquor or beer should be consumed first. We did watch some television, though I don’t think that can even be considered technology anymore, because it’s not like I have high-def or HD tv (though I am covered under the analog switch, thank God. George just went on a rant about those commercials. Commercials represent evil technology).

However, as the weekend went on, we couldn’t deny that we did rely on technology to have fun and receive useful information. For example, George took photos throughout the weekend which we uploaded to Facebook via his Blackberry, so that’s a nice little documentation of our time together. Additionally, we decided to eat at the most delicious Chinese restaurant the other night, which we never would have found without the help of online reviews supported by the ability to view menus online. That really facilitated the choice between Chinese and Japanese cuisine. We enjoyed electricity. We had philosophical conversation about what technology even means. We’re blogging. I have the luxury of writing this from my air mattress because of wireless internet. So perhaps we shouldn’t write off technology just yet. But just know, technology, that I have my eye on you.