When dogs fly

In preparation for my brother’s visit, I purchased a great deal of beer. Throughout the weekend, George and I have been sampling all of the beers in a Flying Dog Mixed Pack. If you’re not familiar with Flying Dog, it’s made in Colorado and it’s endorsed by Hunter S. Thompson. Here we present our reviews, which we just know will influence your buying decisions:

1. In Heat Wheat Hefeweizen Ale
What the bottle says: We spent 25 days brewing this German-style Hefeweizen to create its award-winning flavor and you just wing a lemon slice in it for showmanship? You’re not getting style points from us. Germans don’t drink it that way, so save your attention-grabbing tactics for the karaoke stage.

What George says: It tastes exactly what it sounds like, an ale and a hefeweizen

What Molly says: One time, my friend told me hefeweizen was worse for you than a milkshake. I’m glad the bottle made me feel better about not buying any lemons.

2. Old Scratch Amber Lager
What the bottle says: Some itches can’t be scratched. Like your fantasy involving latex and flavored lotions. So it’s best to concentrate on the ones you can scratch. Like your itch for this Amber Lager with a malty mellow flavor. As for your other fantasies, you’ll probably need to find a chat room for those.

What Molly says: I think it tastes like stale juice.

What George says: “Amber is the color of your energy,” which this beer will give me.

3. Snake Dog IPA
What the bottle says: Tired of those annoying 3 am hang-ups from your crazy, stalking ex? Turns out the same qualities that make your ex so damn annoying make our Snake Dog IPA so attractive. Chock full of bitterness, bite and attitude, it slaps you in the face with flavor. Just like your psycho ex did at the bar last weekend.

What Molly says: I don’t normally like snakes or dogs, but this beer is okay with me.

What George says: I’ll take the second bottle of this if you don’t want it.

4. Doggie Style Classic Pale Ale
What the bottle says: Dogs have it figured out. They sleep all day, lick themselves and eat everything but veggies. Be like the more enlightened species in your house by sipping this classic Pale Ale with its perfect balance of smooth malt and crisp hops. It’s so good. You’ll want to lap it up like your hour laps up toilet water.

What George says: Tastes like a wookie. I love these dogs.

What Molly says: Tastes like a gremlin or an ewok.

5. Tire Bite Golden Ale
What the bottle says: Know how to spot a stupid dog? Just look for the one biting the tire of the car that’s running over it. Know how to spot a smart one? He’ll be lapping up our refresing Golden Ale. This perfect warm-weather beer goes down so easy, you’ll be lifting your leg all over town. Smart dog.

What George says: I like it!

What Molly says: I agree!

What George says: But when it’s your 6th or 7th beer of the day, who cares?

6. Porter
What the bottle says: We spent four long years in court fighting for our first amendment right to display the phrase “Good Beer, No Shit” on every bottle of Road Dog. In honor of sticking it to the man… This shit is some dark, rich and malty shit. The best shit you’ll ever try and that’s not bullshit.

What Molly says: It’s so light it’s like drinking a coke, but then putting a beer mint in your mouth.

What George says: You’re just getting crazy now.

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Well, those are the reviews. In the interest of full disclosure, we’d hoped to get around to reviewing a whole box of Sam Adams beers as well, and we did get to the Sam Adams Summer Ale, but we also consumed these beverages: Newcastle, Terrapin India Brown Ale, Abita Strawberry, Victory Prima Pils, Lagunitas Lucky 13, Harp, Sweetwater IPA, Reissdorf, Red Stripe, Sweetwater 420 and a margarita. The amount of water we had is extremely proportionally low in comparison to the amount of beer. So we’re not feeling too hot today and we just don’t have the energy to consume more beer or type out our little reviews. We’re frankly just fortunate that we took notes on the Flying Dogs as we went.