For the first part of this hour, I did an online Sudoko that was rated five stars for difficulty. I pretended that if I solved the puzzle, that it would be the equivalent of beating the Nazis in the race for religious artifacts. Well, I solved it in 15 minutes, Indiana Jones. You still haven’t even rescued your dad from that tank yet. Clearly I am the superior archaeologist.
Sean Connery thinks that Indy died and regrets he never told him anything fatherly. But it turns out Indy is still alive. The two men hug in a rare display of emotion. Do you think after this movie that their father-son rift is healed and they become close? Based on the non-existent fate of Indy’s former best friend Short Round, then I doubt it.
So, what happens in the next movie, which is about crystal skulls, has been pretty well-guarded. I’m going to come up with some vicious lies and list them here in the hopes that maybe one of them is right and I look like a magical seer.
--Indiana Jones dies.
--Indiana Jones dates a girl named Ally McBeal.
--Indiana Jones is Iron Man.
--Indiana Jones gets really into Sudoko.
--Marion wears those red pants again.
--Short Round makes a cameo.
--Indiana Jones gets eaten by a shark.
--Indiana Jones has a long-lost twin named Illinois.
--Indiana Jones has a crystal skull.
--Indiana Jones has an affair with a student (played by Lindsey Lohan)
--Indiana Jones accepts a job offer at a burgeoning paper company in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
--Indiana Jones runs for president.
--Indiana Jones has mid-life crisis now that there are no damn dirty Nazis to fight.
So now there’s approximately 20 minutes left in this movie and in this epic quest of mine. Indy is trying to get the grail to save his father. He meets a knight. The bad guy drinks from the wrong grail. Indy picks the right grail and saves his dad. The hot librarian gets too greedy about the possibility of everlasting life. Indiana learns that sometimes archaeological artifacts aren’t the most important things in the world. We learn Indy's real name. Everyone thinks this is the last crusade but they are wrong. The movie ends. I get my life back and eight blog posts. Everyone wins except for Nazis.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Indiana Jones Hour 7: I want to fly on a blimp. They look spacious.
Okay after another brief sojourn on the deck, I am back and ready to fire through to the end. I had some waffles. While I was eating I tried to catch up on this movie. Somehow Indiana Jones found his father and they had gotten tied up to chairs and there was a fire and they were on a revolving panel and there were Nazis and then there was a motorcycle chase. Hmmm. Just typing that out made me kind of exhausted again.
After this day of watching all the Indiana Jones movies, I can’t say I’m really excited about the new movie anymore. Frankly I’m kind of sick of Indiana Jones and all his drama. Also I don’t really feel like I know Indiana Jones as a person. He has maddeningly little dialogue and most of that is dedicated to talking about artifacts. Women and small Asian children come in and out of his life with no explanation. He’s pretty mean to his father. The only thing he really has going for him is his hatred of Nazis.
Now those damn dirty Nazis are burning books. Now Indy is riding on a blimp.
Which do you think would have gone better? Blogging about three Indiana Jones movies or blogging about three Lifetime movies? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about the entire first season of Beverly Hills 90210? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about some sort of sporting event? At this point in, I really don’t even know. Should I have just spent the day reading my book? I haven’t decided the success of today yet.
There’s a SciFi Memorial Day Weekend Movie Marathon! I can guarantee you now that I will neither be blogging that nor watching it.
Now Indy and his dad are working out their issues. Would Indy have become an archaeologist if his dad hadn’t been so obsessed about archaeology? I don’t know. But that might be an interesting movie to watch. Let me think about how a scene would go.
Young Indy: Dad, wanna go play catch?
Sean Connery: Sure, let’s go! It’s not like I’m too busy with archaeology or anything! (they play catch)
Young Indy: I want to be a baseball player!
(flash forward 20 years)
Grown-up Indiana Jones: Well, it sure was gratifying to win the World Series. If only my dad were here to see it. But I can be at peace knowing that we didn’t have any unresolved issues at the time of his death. As a result, I can maintain healthy relationships with women, I don’t have to make small children drive cars through temples of doom, and my fedora hat is not all sweaty and dirty. Of course, the Nazis have made off with all the religious artifacts, but what could I have done about that? I’m just a humble baseball player who has never used a whip in my entire life.
[end scene]
After this day of watching all the Indiana Jones movies, I can’t say I’m really excited about the new movie anymore. Frankly I’m kind of sick of Indiana Jones and all his drama. Also I don’t really feel like I know Indiana Jones as a person. He has maddeningly little dialogue and most of that is dedicated to talking about artifacts. Women and small Asian children come in and out of his life with no explanation. He’s pretty mean to his father. The only thing he really has going for him is his hatred of Nazis.
Now those damn dirty Nazis are burning books. Now Indy is riding on a blimp.
Which do you think would have gone better? Blogging about three Indiana Jones movies or blogging about three Lifetime movies? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about the entire first season of Beverly Hills 90210? Blogging about Indiana Jones or blogging about some sort of sporting event? At this point in, I really don’t even know. Should I have just spent the day reading my book? I haven’t decided the success of today yet.
There’s a SciFi Memorial Day Weekend Movie Marathon! I can guarantee you now that I will neither be blogging that nor watching it.
Now Indy and his dad are working out their issues. Would Indy have become an archaeologist if his dad hadn’t been so obsessed about archaeology? I don’t know. But that might be an interesting movie to watch. Let me think about how a scene would go.
Young Indy: Dad, wanna go play catch?
Sean Connery: Sure, let’s go! It’s not like I’m too busy with archaeology or anything! (they play catch)
Young Indy: I want to be a baseball player!
(flash forward 20 years)
Grown-up Indiana Jones: Well, it sure was gratifying to win the World Series. If only my dad were here to see it. But I can be at peace knowing that we didn’t have any unresolved issues at the time of his death. As a result, I can maintain healthy relationships with women, I don’t have to make small children drive cars through temples of doom, and my fedora hat is not all sweaty and dirty. Of course, the Nazis have made off with all the religious artifacts, but what could I have done about that? I’m just a humble baseball player who has never used a whip in my entire life.
[end scene]
Indiana Jones Hour 6: When will this end?
Hour 6 starts with Indy cutting down the bridge with alligators so that some bad guys get eaten. The chief bad guy makes one last attempt to rip out Indiana Jones’ heart but luckily I did not get too scared that he’d succeed because I know there’s another movie on right after this. Indy prevails. I hope I didn’t ruin the end for anyone.
I know I missed some of this movie because I was outside reading, but one thing I can say is that this movie passed by much more quickly than the first one, which did seem a little long. As far as I can ascertain, the only things I missed were: the development of the romance between Indiana Jones and Kate Capshaw, the significance of the Temple of Doom and exactly what Indiana Jones was trying to do down there, and some adorably precious things performed by the little kid.
Well, the third movie is starting. It is titled “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” and Harrison Ford is reprising his role as Indiana Jones. It is 6:10 p.m. I just opened a beer. So far I have thought of two possibilities for dinner and those two things are toaster waffles and cereal. Some boy scouts are riding through what appears to be Utah and given that this is the first 10 minutes of an Indiana Jones movie, I fear something bad might happen to them.
Oh, River Phoenix is playing young Indiana. I had forgotten about this. Young Indy has the same intensity about archaeological artifacts but is unafraid of snakes at this point in his life. That will not last, as he lands amidst all these snakes on a train car. Snakes on a train! Where is Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? Then Young Indy finds a whip and gets eaten by a lion. The end.
Just kidding. We have HOURS of movie left to go.
We have another scene of grown-up Indy teaching in his classroom. He still loves writing one word at a time on the board, he still has girls in love with him in his class, Marcus keeps coming into his classroom right before the bell rings. Shake it up a little bit, Spielberg.
And shake it up he does, because then we get a scene that shows that Indy’s students have some gripes with Indy. So he sneaks out a window under the watchful eye of what we can only assume at this point is a Nazi or Sean Connery. Or I guess just some dudes who bring Indy to a meeting with a guy who is also totally into archaeological artifacts. The Holy Grail! Someone alert Dan Brown because I think he totally missed this movie.
So Indy sets off to find the most precious artifact of all, his father. I go off to give my dad a call. I talk to my mom for five minutes but now it’s back to the movie. In the time in which I was gone Indy found some sort of hot librarian who is willing to dig holes in library floors for the sake of adventure.
Someone releases a lot of rats into the library hole but not before Indy makes some sort of important discovery. Look, Indy seems to have things under control so I’m going to go back out on the deck for awhile.
I know I missed some of this movie because I was outside reading, but one thing I can say is that this movie passed by much more quickly than the first one, which did seem a little long. As far as I can ascertain, the only things I missed were: the development of the romance between Indiana Jones and Kate Capshaw, the significance of the Temple of Doom and exactly what Indiana Jones was trying to do down there, and some adorably precious things performed by the little kid.
Well, the third movie is starting. It is titled “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,” and Harrison Ford is reprising his role as Indiana Jones. It is 6:10 p.m. I just opened a beer. So far I have thought of two possibilities for dinner and those two things are toaster waffles and cereal. Some boy scouts are riding through what appears to be Utah and given that this is the first 10 minutes of an Indiana Jones movie, I fear something bad might happen to them.
Oh, River Phoenix is playing young Indiana. I had forgotten about this. Young Indy has the same intensity about archaeological artifacts but is unafraid of snakes at this point in his life. That will not last, as he lands amidst all these snakes on a train car. Snakes on a train! Where is Samuel L. Jackson when you need him? Then Young Indy finds a whip and gets eaten by a lion. The end.
Just kidding. We have HOURS of movie left to go.
We have another scene of grown-up Indy teaching in his classroom. He still loves writing one word at a time on the board, he still has girls in love with him in his class, Marcus keeps coming into his classroom right before the bell rings. Shake it up a little bit, Spielberg.
And shake it up he does, because then we get a scene that shows that Indy’s students have some gripes with Indy. So he sneaks out a window under the watchful eye of what we can only assume at this point is a Nazi or Sean Connery. Or I guess just some dudes who bring Indy to a meeting with a guy who is also totally into archaeological artifacts. The Holy Grail! Someone alert Dan Brown because I think he totally missed this movie.
So Indy sets off to find the most precious artifact of all, his father. I go off to give my dad a call. I talk to my mom for five minutes but now it’s back to the movie. In the time in which I was gone Indy found some sort of hot librarian who is willing to dig holes in library floors for the sake of adventure.
Someone releases a lot of rats into the library hole but not before Indy makes some sort of important discovery. Look, Indy seems to have things under control so I’m going to go back out on the deck for awhile.
Indiana Jones Hour 5: I want an adorable child sidekick too
Okay so now I have to try to figure out what I missed in the last hour. Indy is in a cave…maybe the titular temple of doom? People are chanting. He’s still got Kate Capshaw and the little kid with him. I really don’t remember anything about this movie.
I was just joking in that last post about human sacrifice, but that might actually be about to happen. OH MY GOD THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THEY RIP PEOPLE’S HEARTS OUT OF THEIR CHESTS HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN SUCH A THING?!?!?!?
Maybe that’s why they edited this one for content. Oh my. I wonder if Indy will explain the archaeological significance of what just happened, or if I missed that part. Indy went to go get something archaeologically significant even though Kate Capshaw didn’t want him to. I think he got it but if the first movie is any indication then some Nazis will surely be along soon to take it from him. Are Nazis in this one? And where did this little kid come from? He’s so precocious.
Now they have an Indy voodoo doll that they’re putting in fire. What is this religion all about? They must have one bad-ass store to get their little outfits and accessories and candles and whatnot. Now they are beating Indy with a whip, which makes me wonder if Indy will reconsider its use as a weapon. A fun fact to lighten up this torture scene is that Harrison Ford provided the whipcracks on the Jimmy Buffett song “Desperation Samba (Halloween in Tijuana)”. Jimmy Buffett and Harrison Ford are friends in real life.
This religion seems kind of similar to the one practiced by the people who are after Ringo Starr in the movie “Help!” Except vastly more violent, and the little kid doesn’t provide the same comic relief that Lennon/McCartney did. I just looked him up and he’s also in The Goonies and the television show “Head of the Class.” There’s a show that they should think about bringing to DVD. The little kid just told Indy that Indy is his best friend. I don’t think that portends good things for his emotional development. Indy will love you and leave you, kid. And it’s kind of a miracle you’re not dead yet. Temples of doom are no places for little kids.
Which is why, of course, Indy has to save all the little kids that have been turned into slaves! But someone gets out the Indy voodoo doll again, which means the little kid and Kate Capshaw have to do some of the heavy lifting. One guy dies by getting crushed in a wheel thing. Now they’re all in a cart and I think they’re going through the set of “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride.” This had to be a bitch to film.
Indy stops a car with his feet and then he gets chased by lots of water. Two things I would not like about being an archaeologist are the running and all the peril. Now the little kid has discovered a bridge that goes over alligators. That seems like a good place to wrap up hour 5.
I was just joking in that last post about human sacrifice, but that might actually be about to happen. OH MY GOD THIS IS THE ONE WHERE THEY RIP PEOPLE’S HEARTS OUT OF THEIR CHESTS HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN SUCH A THING?!?!?!?
Maybe that’s why they edited this one for content. Oh my. I wonder if Indy will explain the archaeological significance of what just happened, or if I missed that part. Indy went to go get something archaeologically significant even though Kate Capshaw didn’t want him to. I think he got it but if the first movie is any indication then some Nazis will surely be along soon to take it from him. Are Nazis in this one? And where did this little kid come from? He’s so precocious.
Now they have an Indy voodoo doll that they’re putting in fire. What is this religion all about? They must have one bad-ass store to get their little outfits and accessories and candles and whatnot. Now they are beating Indy with a whip, which makes me wonder if Indy will reconsider its use as a weapon. A fun fact to lighten up this torture scene is that Harrison Ford provided the whipcracks on the Jimmy Buffett song “Desperation Samba (Halloween in Tijuana)”. Jimmy Buffett and Harrison Ford are friends in real life.
This religion seems kind of similar to the one practiced by the people who are after Ringo Starr in the movie “Help!” Except vastly more violent, and the little kid doesn’t provide the same comic relief that Lennon/McCartney did. I just looked him up and he’s also in The Goonies and the television show “Head of the Class.” There’s a show that they should think about bringing to DVD. The little kid just told Indy that Indy is his best friend. I don’t think that portends good things for his emotional development. Indy will love you and leave you, kid. And it’s kind of a miracle you’re not dead yet. Temples of doom are no places for little kids.
Which is why, of course, Indy has to save all the little kids that have been turned into slaves! But someone gets out the Indy voodoo doll again, which means the little kid and Kate Capshaw have to do some of the heavy lifting. One guy dies by getting crushed in a wheel thing. Now they’re all in a cart and I think they’re going through the set of “Mr Toad’s Wild Ride.” This had to be a bitch to film.
Indy stops a car with his feet and then he gets chased by lots of water. Two things I would not like about being an archaeologist are the running and all the peril. Now the little kid has discovered a bridge that goes over alligators. That seems like a good place to wrap up hour 5.
Indiana Jones Hour Four: What an exciting hour!
For Hour 4 I went outside on the deck and read my book. There was a pleasant breeze. It got a little darkly ominous and even rained for a few minutes. But it stopped as suddenly as it began. I have no idea what I missed. Is this the one where they eat bugs and make a human sacrifice out of the little kid?
Indiana Jones Hour 3: An exclusive interview
Hour Three starts and we’re still in the first movie. The fact that I’m already so tuckered makes me worry that I might not be up to the challenge of blogging all these movies. I feel bad that I’m so tired. Indiana Jones fought all these damn dirty Nazis and he never complained about being tired. To spice things up I am going to conduct an interview for hour 3. An interview with myself.
Molly #1: Why are you so tired?
Molly #2: I don’t know.
Molly #1: You haven’t even been paying attention to this for like 15 minutes, have you?
Molly #2: No. I honestly don’t know how Marion and Indy got on this ship or whatever they’re on. Do they have the ark with them?
Molly #1: I don’t know. Why don’t you focus on this love scene that is the culmination of two hours of sexual tension?
Molly #2: Okay.
Molly #1: It was over kinda quick!
Molly #2: That’s what she said!
Molly #1: Oh dear, bad guys have found them.
Molly #2: How original. I did not see that coming.
Molly #1: So Molly #2, are you excited about the new Indiana Jones movie?
Molly #2: I’m sort of ambivalent. I don’t know whether I will go see it in theaters or not.
Molly #1: Do you think Harrison Ford is too old?
Molly #2: No. I’m pretty sure Harrison Ford will outlive us all and don’t think his age will be too much of a factor. I’m intrigued by Cate Blanchett as a “ruthless Soviet agent and sword wielding villain” (that’s how my tie-in can of Diet Dr. Pepper describes her) and would be happy to watch her read the phone book. Shia LaBeouf seems like a charming young man, the character of Marion is back, and I’m sure John Williams’ stirring score will manipulate my emotions appropriately.
Molly #1: Did you know “LaBeouf” means “the beef” in French?
Molly #2: Yeah, he mentioned that on Letterman once. You know what’s kinda frustrating? It keeps looking like it’s gonna rain and then it doesn’t. If it’s not going to rain I’m going to go outside.
Molly #1: Really? And miss the breathtaking conclusion of this movie? What will happen to the ark? What will happen to Indy and Marion?
Molly #2: I just had an awesome idea. I think there should be a band called Indiana and the Jones, and they sing songs about things in the movie. Like one song could be called “Damn Dirty Nazis” and one song could be called “Don’t Look Directly at What’s in the Ark (Unless You Want Fire to Go Through Your Stomach and Destroy You).”
Molly #1: Lame-o!
Molly #2: Oh finally the first movie is over. Now we have “Temple of Doom.”
Molly #1: Would you say that it’s the best titled movie?
Molly #2: I think so. “Temple of Doom” is pretty evocative. “Last Crusade” is just a lie of a title because there’s another crusade about to be released to theaters. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” was pretty good as well.
Molly #1: This movie has apparently been edited for content.
Molly #2: I don’t know how I feel about that. What if they edited something good?
Molly #1: I wish more movies had musical numbers like the one that opens this movie.
Molly #2: I hope Indy can get either the diamond or the antidote in this screwball comedy of an opening scene.
Molly #1: Are there any other cinematic fights that take place in five inches of balloons?
Molly #2: Asia’s a weird place. Oh look, they found that little kid with a speech impediment. He’s so adorable.
Molly #1: I think he grows up to be Shia LaBeouf. Man I could go for some candy right now.
Molly #2: You can get some after this freaky commercial for an underwater circus that somehow turns into a commercial for an insurance company.
Molly #1: Commercials are so zany!
Molly #2: The new Indiana Jones would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus. Actually most everything would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus.
Molly #1: Would you like to go to an underground circus?
Molly #2: No, I would not, because the water would get in my popcorn.
Molly #1: What if they have special underwater refreshments at the underwater circus that you don’t even know about?
Molly #2: I just find that too implausible to consider.
Molly #1: Why are you so tired?
Molly #2: I don’t know.
Molly #1: You haven’t even been paying attention to this for like 15 minutes, have you?
Molly #2: No. I honestly don’t know how Marion and Indy got on this ship or whatever they’re on. Do they have the ark with them?
Molly #1: I don’t know. Why don’t you focus on this love scene that is the culmination of two hours of sexual tension?
Molly #2: Okay.
Molly #1: It was over kinda quick!
Molly #2: That’s what she said!
Molly #1: Oh dear, bad guys have found them.
Molly #2: How original. I did not see that coming.
Molly #1: So Molly #2, are you excited about the new Indiana Jones movie?
Molly #2: I’m sort of ambivalent. I don’t know whether I will go see it in theaters or not.
Molly #1: Do you think Harrison Ford is too old?
Molly #2: No. I’m pretty sure Harrison Ford will outlive us all and don’t think his age will be too much of a factor. I’m intrigued by Cate Blanchett as a “ruthless Soviet agent and sword wielding villain” (that’s how my tie-in can of Diet Dr. Pepper describes her) and would be happy to watch her read the phone book. Shia LaBeouf seems like a charming young man, the character of Marion is back, and I’m sure John Williams’ stirring score will manipulate my emotions appropriately.
Molly #1: Did you know “LaBeouf” means “the beef” in French?
Molly #2: Yeah, he mentioned that on Letterman once. You know what’s kinda frustrating? It keeps looking like it’s gonna rain and then it doesn’t. If it’s not going to rain I’m going to go outside.
Molly #1: Really? And miss the breathtaking conclusion of this movie? What will happen to the ark? What will happen to Indy and Marion?
Molly #2: I just had an awesome idea. I think there should be a band called Indiana and the Jones, and they sing songs about things in the movie. Like one song could be called “Damn Dirty Nazis” and one song could be called “Don’t Look Directly at What’s in the Ark (Unless You Want Fire to Go Through Your Stomach and Destroy You).”
Molly #1: Lame-o!
Molly #2: Oh finally the first movie is over. Now we have “Temple of Doom.”
Molly #1: Would you say that it’s the best titled movie?
Molly #2: I think so. “Temple of Doom” is pretty evocative. “Last Crusade” is just a lie of a title because there’s another crusade about to be released to theaters. “Raiders of the Lost Ark” was pretty good as well.
Molly #1: This movie has apparently been edited for content.
Molly #2: I don’t know how I feel about that. What if they edited something good?
Molly #1: I wish more movies had musical numbers like the one that opens this movie.
Molly #2: I hope Indy can get either the diamond or the antidote in this screwball comedy of an opening scene.
Molly #1: Are there any other cinematic fights that take place in five inches of balloons?
Molly #2: Asia’s a weird place. Oh look, they found that little kid with a speech impediment. He’s so adorable.
Molly #1: I think he grows up to be Shia LaBeouf. Man I could go for some candy right now.
Molly #2: You can get some after this freaky commercial for an underwater circus that somehow turns into a commercial for an insurance company.
Molly #1: Commercials are so zany!
Molly #2: The new Indiana Jones would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus. Actually most everything would rock if there was a scene with an underground circus.
Molly #1: Would you like to go to an underground circus?
Molly #2: No, I would not, because the water would get in my popcorn.
Molly #1: What if they have special underwater refreshments at the underwater circus that you don’t even know about?
Molly #2: I just find that too implausible to consider.
Indiana Jones Hour 2: the capital is Indianapolis
So far I have seen two commercials with Indiana Jones tie-ins: Expedia and Burger King. Maybe I will start taking shots every time there’s an Indiana Jones commercial.
So now we’re back, and Indy is drinking with that monkey and he thinks his woman is dead. Then things get worse because he meets up with that guy who stole the idol at the beginning, Belloq. Belloq is a damn dirty Nazi. Small children save Indy from an escalating war of words with Belloq. That monkey gets in the car with them and that can mean nothing but trouble…unless the monkey gets hungry, eats a poisoned date, and thus saves Indy from death. Turns out that’s what happens. “Bad dates,” the man says.
Now they’re at the dig site and Indy is sneaking around doing archaeologist things. Turns out he is there just at the right time of day to make some important discoveries. I am going to eat two Oreos to celebrate. Then Indy finds out that Marion is still alive. I guess I better make that three Oreos. Then Indy makes the good decision to leave her tied up so he can find the Ark.
Uh-oh, that creepy guy that doesn’t like fire is back again, complete with a “heil Hitler” so we can remember how evil he is. Indy starts digging for the ark.
During the commercial break I did a little light housekeeping so I might have missed some Indy tie-in commercials. During the commercial the guys in the movie did a lot of digging and now they’ve found something. Inside are tons of snakes. If you remember from the beginning of the movie, Indy just hates snakes. He just hates them. And you know what, so do I. So my notes on this section of the movie are going to be a little fuzzy, because if I watch something about snakes, then I will likely dream about snakes tonight and then I will wake up thinking that snakes are all over me, and I will freak out.
The bad guys are making Marion put on a pretty dress. Isn’t it kind of amazing how well it fits? If I were held captive and they gave me a dress to put on, I really don’t think it would fit and I’d have to have dinner with the bad guys in a dress that wouldn’t zip. How embarrassing. All right snake related stuff is going on so I am just going to do some distracting things on the internet.
Okay now I am back and can only hope I didn’t miss anything too important. The bad guy with the burnt hand is back. Outside my apartment the wind is blowing hard as if it can sense the evil inside. A storm is brewing. I can see a bug out there. The Nazis find Indy and take his treasure yet again. They throw Marion into the pit of snakes with Indy. If I didn’t know there were three more movies after this, I would assume this was the end of Indiana Jones.
Because we all mourn in our own way and because I’m scared of snakes I left the room for a bit to let these kids get themselves free and work out their relationship issues. I worked on some laundry related stuff instead. When I come back out, Indy is fist-fighting a guy against the backdrop of a swastika-emblazoned plane. Marion is in a plane machine-gunning guys. I know I should be rooting for Marion, but on this viewing, I just feel like she’s more trouble than she’s worth.
One of the bad guys really lost his head. Because a propeller sawed it off.
Indy finds out he can still get the ark, which is in a truck. He gets on a horse. A commercial comes on. A commercial comes on for men’s hair color and it involves a robot voice which may be a commercial specially made for the SciFi channel. Now Indy’s back and ditched the horse at some point that I must not have been paying attention for. Now they’re in vehicles. They’re like racing and bumping into things and falling in the water and off cliffs and stuff. Look I know we’re only two hours into this thing but I might need a nap soon.
So now we’re back, and Indy is drinking with that monkey and he thinks his woman is dead. Then things get worse because he meets up with that guy who stole the idol at the beginning, Belloq. Belloq is a damn dirty Nazi. Small children save Indy from an escalating war of words with Belloq. That monkey gets in the car with them and that can mean nothing but trouble…unless the monkey gets hungry, eats a poisoned date, and thus saves Indy from death. Turns out that’s what happens. “Bad dates,” the man says.
Now they’re at the dig site and Indy is sneaking around doing archaeologist things. Turns out he is there just at the right time of day to make some important discoveries. I am going to eat two Oreos to celebrate. Then Indy finds out that Marion is still alive. I guess I better make that three Oreos. Then Indy makes the good decision to leave her tied up so he can find the Ark.
Uh-oh, that creepy guy that doesn’t like fire is back again, complete with a “heil Hitler” so we can remember how evil he is. Indy starts digging for the ark.
During the commercial break I did a little light housekeeping so I might have missed some Indy tie-in commercials. During the commercial the guys in the movie did a lot of digging and now they’ve found something. Inside are tons of snakes. If you remember from the beginning of the movie, Indy just hates snakes. He just hates them. And you know what, so do I. So my notes on this section of the movie are going to be a little fuzzy, because if I watch something about snakes, then I will likely dream about snakes tonight and then I will wake up thinking that snakes are all over me, and I will freak out.
The bad guys are making Marion put on a pretty dress. Isn’t it kind of amazing how well it fits? If I were held captive and they gave me a dress to put on, I really don’t think it would fit and I’d have to have dinner with the bad guys in a dress that wouldn’t zip. How embarrassing. All right snake related stuff is going on so I am just going to do some distracting things on the internet.
Okay now I am back and can only hope I didn’t miss anything too important. The bad guy with the burnt hand is back. Outside my apartment the wind is blowing hard as if it can sense the evil inside. A storm is brewing. I can see a bug out there. The Nazis find Indy and take his treasure yet again. They throw Marion into the pit of snakes with Indy. If I didn’t know there were three more movies after this, I would assume this was the end of Indiana Jones.
Because we all mourn in our own way and because I’m scared of snakes I left the room for a bit to let these kids get themselves free and work out their relationship issues. I worked on some laundry related stuff instead. When I come back out, Indy is fist-fighting a guy against the backdrop of a swastika-emblazoned plane. Marion is in a plane machine-gunning guys. I know I should be rooting for Marion, but on this viewing, I just feel like she’s more trouble than she’s worth.
One of the bad guys really lost his head. Because a propeller sawed it off.
Indy finds out he can still get the ark, which is in a truck. He gets on a horse. A commercial comes on. A commercial comes on for men’s hair color and it involves a robot voice which may be a commercial specially made for the SciFi channel. Now Indy’s back and ditched the horse at some point that I must not have been paying attention for. Now they’re in vehicles. They’re like racing and bumping into things and falling in the water and off cliffs and stuff. Look I know we’re only two hours into this thing but I might need a nap soon.
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