Oscars Hour 2: Things are semi-interesting.

Hour Two begins with Owen Wilson presenting an award. Then we have Jerry Seinfeld as a bee presenting an award. Oh! John Steinbeck just got one right in the pool, picking “Peter and the Wolf” to win Best Short Film-Animated over more entertainingly named animated short films such as “I Met the Walrus,” “All Pigeons Go to Heaven,” and “Madame Tutli-Putli.”

Okay, we’re about to do Best Supporting Actress. Enjoy this, people, because we won’t have another truly entertaining award with a celebrity winner for awhile. Unless people who do sound editing and mixing are celebrities to you. Hmm. Tilda Swinton pulls out an upset. I don’t want to be too mean here, and I know she’s very avant-garde and outside Hollywood, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that she also wins an award for ugliest dress.

One year I’d like to be asked to host the scientific and technical awards, held in a separate ceremony.

Man, when you’re hosting an Oscar party with inanimate objects, all you do is eat! Because no one is there to help you eat.

Wouldn’t you feel bad if you were the uncreative Coen sibling?

Look, I’m perfectly willing to understand the role Miley Cyrus plays in entertaining today’s youth. BUT GET HER OFF THE OSCARS. She is climbing up the charts of my Hollywood nemeses. She can’t beat out Jennifer Love Hewitt or Drew Barrymore, but she might be #3 with a bullet.

No one in my pool had The Bourne Ultimatum winning for Sound Editing! Or for sound mixing! Let’s take a moment and look at the Oscar pool score:
Molly—5
Pope John Paul II—3
John Steinbeck—1
The Frog & the Cheerleader—1
Barnabas Bear—4
Abraham Lincoln—4
I hope no one is letting me win because I am the host.

Look, no one wants a 15-minute speech by someone we don’t know, but I hate when they start playing music over people, particularly in an occasion when three people win, and the music starts playing after person #2.

Okay, they’re doing Best Actress a little early in the evening, I guess to throw the viewers a bone, but it kind of make it seems like they care less about actresses than actors. I mean, we haven’t even done documentary awards and they’re going to do Best Actress?! Marion Cotillard wins and is very emotional. I think I would have been happy with any of them winning. Although if I ever win, I’m never going to say, “Thank you life, thank you love,” even if I don’t speak the language very well.

Well, we are over halfway done now, if you take into account the number of awards to be given out. How much time is left? Only God knows.

Are you bored yet? My guests the Frog and the Cheerleader have been bored the whole night. As I mentioned in the intro, they’re the kind of people who just come to an Oscar party to socialize, not to pay strict attention to what is going on. Here they are chatting up the frog cookie jar in my kitchen.



Jon Stewart plays Wii with the girl who sang the song from “August Rush.” Nice.

Where are you going with this, Jack Nicholson? OH, a tribute to Best Picture. Based on my count, I have seen 53 of them, although some of them I barely remember and perhaps should see again. And so ends Hour 2.

Oscars, Hour One: And so it begins

Okay it’s starting. Before the show I read a blog where the producer said that the first 90 seconds of the show would be the most exciting film that the Oscars had ever shown. What could it be? Well, it seems animated. It’s lots of characters from lots of different movies. I mean, it didn’t blow me away. I wouldn’t give it an Oscar or anything. If that was supposed to be the most exciting 90 seconds, then it’s going to be a long night.

And here comes Jon Stewart, to perform the most thankless task in Hollywood. But Daniel Day-Lewis is just eating it up! Tommy Lee Jones, however, not amused, but I have to agree with him that Javier Bardem hair jokes are getting a little old. In talking about Diablo Cody’s background as a stripper, Jon Stewart reminds us that we can find out our stripper name by taking the name of our first pet and the street we grew up on. Fun fact: my stripper name is Ralph Poplar.

Alright, it’s time for award, and Jennifer Garner is going to give it out. I am so glad the writer’s strike is over so that we get a well-written blurb about all that goes into being a fashion designer! So far Abraham Lincoln and I are tied in the Oscar pool. It’s time for a commercial already?! I have Oscar fever. Don’t stop now!

First montage of the night coming 19 minutes in. All the old favorites—Jack Palance’s one-armed push-ups, Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White, the Titanic song plays in the background. God I know these are silly but I can’t help it, I love a good montage.

I’m not going to lie, I had Norbit for Best Makeup, because I thought that Oscar voters had a sense of humor and would appreciate the idea of giving Norbit an Oscar. But nope, they go with La Vie en Rose. Marion Cotillard is incredibly overwhelmed.

I know that Broadway stars do this all the time, but I have a lot more respect for Amy Adams watching her sing a song from Enchanted live while billions of people watch.

Oh my God, my favorite commercial is on. It’s the commercial where the little kid eats McDonald’s while “Cha Cha Slide” plays. Here, I found it on YouTube so we can all enjoy it as often we want:

I wish we could give that little kid an Oscar!

Here is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson to make someone’s dream come true! With the win of “The Golden Compass” for visual effects, Abraham Lincoln pulls into the lead. He has not looked up from his book the entire time the show has been on!

I had Javier Bardem in the pool, but don’t you feel kind of bad about him winning seeing Hal Holbrook and Dixie Carter in the audience? Oh, but then don’t you feel even worse that the camera cuts to Tommy Lee Jones and he’s not even paying attention to his co-star? He’s playing with his cufflink! Get with it Tommy Lee. I know Javier is speaking in Spanish but this is supposed to be meaningful.

So far John Steinbeck has not gotten anything right in the pool. Here he is with the other guys, helping me with all the ballots:


Jon Stewart is mocking montages, saying that if the writer’s strike had continued, we would have gotten a montage to binoculars and periscopes. I know it’s a joke, but not too bad a montage. “Bad Dreams: An Oscar Salute”…love it.

A stirring song from “August Rush” ends hour 1. Only 17 hours to go! Don’t you love jokes about how long the Oscars are?!

Oscar Preshow Part 2: Gary Busey attacks!

Gary Busey is crashing Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney’s interview and yelling at Ryan Seacrest but I don’t think anyone know who he is! It’s so awkward! He just manhandled Jennifer Garner and she is freaked out.

Ryan Seacrest to Miley Cyrus: “You might be the most famous person to our viewers.” That is just insulting, Ryan Seacrest. She is whining how she doesn’t have any friends.

Keri Russell is very beautiful but her dress is such a weird color that it doesn’t look like she’s wearing one and also it highlights how uncomfortably skinny she is.

WHY ARE THEY STILL TALKING TO MILEY CYRUS? She has gotten the longest interview ever. Now they’re talking to her mom! What is up with Miley’s weird mouth? She says she can’t wait to be back here with her own movie, so we can all see how much she loves film and her craft and bullshit like that. She just promised to give Ryan Seacrest a call later in the week. The thing is, I think she really will. Creepy.

E! has decided that red is the color of the night.

Ryan Seacrest just asked Jessica Alba if she was going to breastfeed. I’m not going to lie, I’m not completely sure who Jessica Alba is. I think I get her confused with Jessica Biel.

Cameron Diaz just admitted that she did not get Drew Barrymore anything for her birthday. Can you believe Drew Barrymore is 33? For a long time Drew Barrymore always seemed really old but now 33 doesn’t seem old to me. I guess she’s just been in the biz a long time. I should probably clarify that Drew Barrymore is not there. Cameron Diaz is just talking about her. Cameron Diaz is wearing a pink dress. It’s okay.

Marion Cotillard is very beautiful, perhaps wearing my favorite dress of the night so far. But if she wins, that acceptance speech is going to take forever, unless she just bites the bullet and does it in French.

I just don’t like Hilary Swank, but I don’t know why.

Tilda Swinton is talking about how she doesn’t understand the sex appeal of George Clooney, and how she’s never ever seen the Oscars. I just feel like she is pissing on America.

Colin Farrell said that if he weren’t an actor, he’d like to make something with his hands, like hats. Ryan Seacrest thought he was joking, but Colin was deadly serious when he said he wanted to make hats. I get the sense that Colin Farrell is always deadly serious.

I just took a vote of my Oscar party guests, and we all agree that we don’t like Hilary Swank, which makes me feel better.

Do you think that there are a lot of babies named Viggo in the past few years? It’s kind of growing on me as a name.

Katherine Heigl is wearing the reddest lipstick that Ryan Seacrest has ever seen!

“Women hot. Guys very charming.” is the way Ryan Seacrest sums up the night.

Okay, so it’s 8:00, which means we switch over to ABC for another red carpet show. A few years ago, they started some rule that the network that hosts the Oscars gets exclusive rights to show the red carpet right before the show starts or something. It’s frankly kind of pointless and we’ll probably see the same interviews we just saw on E! But this time we get Regis!

George Clooney, showing himself to be the consummate nice guy, asks Regis about Notre Dame football. Maybe his girlfriend’s dress is my favorite.

Helen Mirren looks lovely. Amy Adams is very polite. Regis is talking to the oldest Oscar fan. What am I wearing? Thanks for asking. A green shirt and jeans. Hilary Swank is on again?!

Okay, only a few minutes left so I'm going to go ahead and post this. Here's a shot of the crazy Oscar party I am hosting---this is Barnabas reading the current Time Magazine cover story on George Clooney. You might recall that Barnabas is pulling for a Michael Clayton sweep.

Oscar pre-show, part 1

E! has been keeping me up-to-date on the Los Angeles weather, theorizing about how the stars should be wearing their hair so that it’s not ruined between their limo and the tarped red carpet.

George Clooney’s girlfriend is wearing a cute dress. One thing I remember reading about George Clooney back in the E.R. days was that he said he wouldn’t go to the Oscars as a presenter or anything until he was invited for work that he did. Which is kind of admirable, particularly when one hears that such luminaries as Miley Cyrus will be presenting tonight.

I can’t believe it’s 38 minutes in and we’ve only seen a few celebrities! They told the celebrities that the writer’s strike was over, right? I think I can safely stop to eat pizza without missing anything.

Another weather update. Scattered showers. Wind picking up. Ryan Seacrest is talking about distracting George Clooney’s perfect hair is.

The anonymous ladies of E! are talking about what Anne Hathaway’s wearing, which reminds me of something I’m really dreading about tonight’s show. I dread it every year, but this year, I’m really dreading the montage of celebrities that died in the previous year. It always becomes this weird post-mortem popularity contest, as people start clapping in celebration of the people that are dead. But then, someone more famous is flashed up, and then people have to clap louder to prove that they appreciate that person even more. I hate hate hate this about award shows because it’s nothing but awkward. The people who worked behind the scenes that no one knew are met with stunned silence, which somehow diminishes their achievement. While the more famous people compete for the loudest clapping.

I would dread this at any time, but I especially dread it this year because Heath Ledger died. Heath Ledger is going to get some sort of standing ovation during the dead celebrity montage. Now don’t get me wrong. It’s incredibly sad and shocking that Heath Ledger died. It’s sad and shocking when any 28-year-old dies. But the implication that somehow Heath Ledger was the greatest loss, or the most famous person who died, that will, in my mind, be expressed through celebrities trying to clap very loudly for him during the montage, is just frustrating and wrong. They should tell people to sit in respectful silence during that. Would you want to be compared to everyone else who died in the same 365-day span as you?

Ryan Seacrest just flicked his sweat at the camera.

I’m not seeing any Oscar dresses that are knocking me out.

Patrick Dempsey is on now. Has everyone heard the story about how I saw Patrick Dempsey on the streets of Seattle right after he filmed a scene of Grey’s Anatomy? His hair is so beautiful. He is shorter than you might expect, but it allows better access to look at his gorgeous hair. I guess I kind of relate to Ryan Seacrest when he talks about how distracting George Clooney’s hair is.

Dewayne “The Rock” Johnson is talking about how presenting an award is helping to make someone’s dream come true, and how humbling that is. All of the guests at my fake Oscar party are extremely disgusted by this remark.

They’re interviewing the guy from Atonement, and while he talked, they showed this clip of Jennifer Garner trying to run with an umbrella from her car to the red carpet. Thank goodness E! has continually let me know about this weather situation so that I know what that was all about!

The first celebrities are here

Well, E! has switched over to Ryan Seacrest, which in E!’s world, screams respectability. So soon, any minute now, we might have an actual celebrity to talk to. Who will be the first to show up? That’s such a mixed bag—it seems slightly uncool, like showing up to a party before it gets into full swing, but on the other hand, there’s more chance to be on TV because everyone is so eager to film the one celebrity wondering around on the red carpet.

While we wait, here’s a movie-related anecdote. So, I joined Netflix, because now that I don’t live in Seattle, I can’t borrow all of my entertainment from the library, and I won’t even get started on the numerous ways that the Atlanta-Fulton County Library is failing me. So anyway, I’ve started Netflix. Perhaps this will sound backward to all of you who have been Netflixing forever, but I’ve gotten kind of obsessed with rating movies so that the “Movies You’ll Heart” section becomes stunningly accurate and insightful. I just want Netflix to know me so well that I don’t even have to think about what to watch and instead can just be happy with whatever a robot serves up to me.

So, it’s going a little slowly. If you rank “Loved It” to Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 1, it offers up Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 2. I had hoped for a little more diversity. But I just got recommended “Women’s Health: The Wedding Workout” based on my enjoyment of “Sex and the City,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” and “Bridget Jones’s Diary.” How depressing. Just because I like watching things with women as main characters I must be interested in a wedding workout? None of the main characters in those things even gets married!

By the way, The Wedding Workout has three reviews. One is positive, pointing out that you pick what kind of dress you’re wearing (strapless or formfitting), and then you receive a customized workout to help you look great on your special day. The other two reviews are negative, saying that the workout is not long enough and that you’ll probably never lose enough weight if that’s all you do to get ready for your wedding.

Okay, actual celebrities have been sighted now! George Clooney is talking to someone. But no celebrities are near E! so they’re just doing celebrity gossip. Angelina Jolie is pregnant…c’mon E! that is so 24 hours ago. Oh thank God, Ryan has nagged some celebrities: Heidi Klum and Seal. Heidi Klum just admitted that she is not wearing a bra, and then Seal said he had some ideas about how he and Heidi were going to collaborate musically in the future, but he wasn’t going to reveal them, and Heidi got mad because Seal has secrets! Marital awkwardness! Then Seal let us know that his favorite movie of the year was “Into the Wild.” Good to know.

My Oscar party is in full swing. Here is Abraham Lincoln, who staked out a spot next to the pretzels I thoughtfully provided for my guests:

More thoughts on the Oscar pre-show are on the way!

E! The network with nothing better to do.

So perhaps you think I have started my Oscar coverage too early. After all, the show doesn’t start for four more hours! But the E! channel began its red carpet coverage at approximately 2 a.m. on Friday morning, so clearly I have a lot of catching up to do. I mean, they’ve been talking about the Oscars for months, but only one network would put anchors outside and in studios in designer gowns for 72 hours, and that channel is E!

When you start that early, though, you have to do a lot of stretching in terms of content. Celebrities aren’t even going to start showing up for another two hours. So here’s a fun game. Guess which of these things E! has not done in the past few hours:

--Polled four-year-olds on their choices for Best Picture.
--Had a pregnant teenager in the studio to talk about realism in “Juno” and to model maternity designer wear.
--Played a game where a dude had to identify which designer made which necklace and bracelet.
--Looked at maps to determine which countries really aren’t appropriate for old men.
--Had an Edith Piaf impersonation contest to discuss Marion Cotillard’s chances.
--Compared Cate Blanchett’s work in “Elizabeth” and “I’m Not There” with the thesis that she is actually playing the same character.
--Killed an anchor to see if there will actually be blood.
--Provided recipes for Oscar-themed snacks, including cookies shaped like diving bells and butterflies, Michael Caketon, and Johnny Seven-layer Depp.
--Had an underwear fashion show to discuss the troubling topic of panty lines under designer dresses.
--Had a stirring conversation about how current events are shaping the documentary categories.
--Brought in E! reality stars to sings all the nominations for Best Original Song.
--Interpreted celebrity tattoos for insight into who that celebrity really is.
--Evaluated polling to see if they can make any early projections in Texas and Ohio.
--Had quirky comedians sing acoustic songs about the nominees.

The thing is, E! had done quite a few of these things. It’s fairly possible that they’ll do the rest of them by the time the celebrities actually start arriving. And even if they don’t, I think you’ll agree that all of them are fairly plausible regardless.

Oscar Party 2008

Well, it’s Oscar Day! Has a special anticipation tinted everything you’ve done today? I know, me too. I mean, I haven’t seen many of the movies nominated, but I just love to watch celebrities celebrate themselves. And with the Golden Globes cancelled in January, the Oscars are under a lot of pressure to deliver an award show high that can last til the Emmys in September.

I know very few people who have the endurance, the dedication, the lack of anything else to do that allow them to focus on award shows in the way I do. So this year, I’m not trying to find those people. Rather, I’m making them up. I am having a made-up Oscar party with things in my home to which I’ve assigned personalities.

Are you confused? Perhaps this picture will help:

These are the people at my Oscar party. I just finished filling out everyone’s ballots, so let me introduce you to everyone by telling you a little about everyone’s choices.

Abraham Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln is one-half of my “Abraham Lincoln Reading a Book” set of bookends. He has dressed quite dapperly for the party, and as you can see, he is reading a book that was the basis for one of the films nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. Because he doesn’t just see the movie, he judges the source material and the actual success in adapting it.

For this Oscars, Abe’s choices are generally what you’d expect from a leader who led the country through a violent and divisive war. He has “There Will Be Blood” to win Best Picture and generally every other category for which it’s nominated. Otherwise, he went for historical choices, including Cate Blanchett for “Elizabeth” and Casey Affleck for “Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.”

Barnabas Bear: Barnabas is my faithful bear companion. While he spends most of his time lying around in whatever spot I leave him, he has managed to catch several films that are already on DVD. Yesterday, he and I watched “Michael Clayton,” and while I was generally underwhelmed, Barnabas really loved it and has it winning most every category that it’s nominated for. Other than that, most of his picks are just things he’s seen in the Netflix queue.

Pope John Paul II: This bust of everyone’s favorite pope picked “Atonement” to win Best Picture, because atonement as a concept is really something he can get behind. After that, he tried to pick nominees who have a variety of backgrounds, so as to show his ability to unite and support people from all over the world. This means that the pope is supporting everything from Marion Cotillard to “Persepolis” to Javier Bardem.

John Steinbeck: John Steinbeck, as depicted on this t-shirt I bought in California, was one of only two Nobel laureates for literature to be nominated for a writing Academy Award. He was nominated three times, no less. So he has picked winners based on their basis in literature. Like the pope, he has “Atonement” to win (the only Best Picture overlap that exists at this Oscar Party), but he has picked a variety of nominees with origins in a book: Johnny Depp, Hal Holbrook, There Will Be Blood. Least exciting category to him: Best Original Screenplay.

Frog and Cheerleader: This jauntily clad Frog usually holds candy in his bucket, while the Cheerleader was in my stocking at Christmas a few years ago. I don’t know if you can tell in the picture, but she has an M on her chest; I think she was intended to cheer me on or something. A fun fact is that if you squeeze her, she sings a song about wiggling it, just a little bit, that provides this blog with its name. Anyways, these two are playing together, for one, because I didn’t print out enough ballots, and for two, because they are clearly the kind of people who don’t actually care about movies or four hour award shows. They’re the people that show up just to see who’s wearing what and to see what snacks the party host will provide. While this duo has some issues with teen pregnancy, they’ve gone with “Juno” as best picture, because it was so cheery, cheeriness and/or attractiveness being their general qualification for what they’ve picked. As such, they’re pulling for George Clooney and “Diving Bell and the Butterfly”…because what is more cheery than butterflies?!

As for me, I have a pretty good-looking ballot as long as there are no surprises and everyone who has been anointed as a winner by the media actually wins. Luckily, however, I have five other ballots that I can take credit for, and with that many involved, I’m sure to win somehow. Stay tuned for an epic night of blogging and fun!