another giant bug

First up, a giant bug update. I don’t know where it is. But I feel its presence.

Now on to something else that bugs me, giantly. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Most people who’ve talked to me for any length of time know that Jennifer Love Hewitt is my archnemesis. I really would prefer that she go away.

But she doesn’t go away! She keeps on being famous for not doing anything! First she was famous because she had big boobs and she talked about them ALL THE TIME. Last year she was famous because she got fat and she yelled at everyone for calling her fat. And now, this week, she’s famous because she got skinny. Do you know who else had that kind of career, Jennifer Love Hewitt? Anna Nicole Smith, that’s who. Big boobs, fat, then skinny. Now I’m beginning to think that both of you having three names is no mere coincidence.

Now, despite her earlier comments that it didn’t matter what she looked like, and hey, she wasn’t fat, Jennifer Love Hewitt is making the rounds talking about how great it is to be skinny. Today I saw some comments that just made my blood boil, and I must talk about them.

Here are the comments, as quoted from People Magazine:
“I wish I had been nude from the time I was 12 until I was 28. I looked great! I so wish I had listened to my mom and grandma when I was 18 and would complain about some little tiny bump or feeling bloated. I used to scoff and say, ‘No, I feel fat today!’ Now the joke’s on me. I want to tell all the young girls to walk around in bikinis all summer, because there will be that one day in your twenties when you’ll eat a hamburger and actually see the hamburger on the side of your leg.”

And on turning 30 next year, JLH says:
“I’m so excited! It’s my dream age. I don’t know why but, literally since my 12th birthday I’ve wanted to turn 30.”

Okay, Jennifer Love Hewitt, here is why I think you are an idiot, besides the fact that you make people call you “Love” and you talk about your boobs all the time:

1. 12-year-olds should not walk around naked! That is really inappropriate! I would say the same goes for 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 year olds. Maybe when you go to college you can walk around naked. Oh, you didn’t go to college? So sad for you.

2. Really? You used to ‘scoff’ at your mother and grandma? You would scoff at them? I’ve seen you act, Jennifer Love Hewitt. I’m not sure you could scoff if your life depended on it.

3. I don’t know if you’ve heard of a little thing called skin cancer, Jennifer Love Hewitt, but that’s just one reason why young girls shouldn’t walk around in bikinis all summer. What kind of role model are you not to tell girls to wear sunscreen?

4. Look, I am in my twenties, as you are, Jennifer Love Hewitt. Granted, you appear to be 3 years older than me, and maybe something happens in those three years that I don’t quite understand, but I think that if you ever eat a hamburger, and then see it immediately on your leg, THEN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR LEG.

5. I guess I feel nothing for pity for you if you’ve “literally” been dreaming of turning 30 since you were 12. Too bad you didn’t think of that 13 Going on 30 movie. I guess you were a year ahead of your time. And too busy thinking about your boobs.

update: giant bug still on the lam

Good news. I survived the night with a giant bug running around my apartment. I didn’t have the best night of sleep, simply because I kept imagining I felt things running up my legs or getting in my hair and whatnot.

I also had a dream that the bug somehow got inside me and laid hundreds of thousands of giant bug baby eggs and I became the carrier for all these eggs, and I became increasingly more moody and irritable until one day my skin split open and the bugs came out of my skin and every orifice and I didn’t sleep too much after that.

Oh! But before that, I had a different dream, which was my brothers built a boat by hand, and we took it out on the water, and for some reason we gave Lindsay Lohan a ride. When Lindsay Lohan got on board, there was too much weight and the boat started going underwater and Lindsay Lohan got all wet. She was not too happy.

Sorry, it can be pretty boring when people talk about their dreams. I’m just so happy to have made it through the night.

So far this morning there has been no sign of the giant bug. He is probably biding his time until I go to work, at which point he will eat my fish Alvin and do generally awful things to all my belongings.

Okay, gotta go eat some waffles. The baby bugs inside of me are hungry.

Molly vs. the giant bug

I like to think of myself as fairly strong and resilient. I take care of myself and don’t let things get in my way. I can do things that I know other girls call their boyfriends for. I’m saying all this so that you know that it would be extremely hard for me to admit a weakness. I don’t want you to think I’m exaggerating.

But I have truly met my match.

There is a bug in my apartment that is the size of a salamander.

I mean, it could be a salamander for all I know. I can’t get close enough to get a good look without running away shrieking. And I don’t shriek, people! This is the biggest bug I’ve ever seen in my life!

On my last attempt to swoop in and kill it, it started running toward me and I fell over and crawled away helplessly because I didn’t want to leave myself vulnerable to this giant bug. To some extent, I’m a little offended that none of my neighbors have stopped by to see if the screaming girl is all right.

Right now, the bug is hiding, which I find hard to believe since this bug is so fucking huge. I really need to go to bed and get some sleep, but I felt compelled to post this, because I have a dreadful feeling that the bug might try to eat me while I sleep. That bug is big enough to do it, to kill me.

So look, if you don’t hear from me tomorrow, it’s possible that I might be dead. Please use this blog in applicable courts of law to prosecute the bug.

Also, I’m well aware that I might be a character in a Kafka novella. Either way, I’m concerned I might die soon.