Thursday, May 28, 2009

robot riding a cat

The other day I was in a meeting at work. I had a pad and a pen to take notes. I started to write something down but ended up drawing a cat instead. Then the speaker said something about robots so I ended up drawing a robot also. But since I didn't really plan to draw either thing, they just happened, I didn't really plan out the page very well, and it ended up looking like the robot was standing on the cat.

I ended up being kind of taken with the image so I decided to try to replicate it in crayon:

Then I decided to draw a clown fish pulling a clown along:

Then I drew a cowgirl riding on a turtle, lassoing the moon.
The turtle has cowboy boots also. I'm still thinking about what my pictures mean, and I think it has something to with the interactions between man and nature?

It turns out I might be trendy!

A few weeks ago, I was reading a local weekly paper because they had the results of the Reader's Choice Awards, and I just love awards of all types. But these awards were particularly handy since they were about Atlanta, and I figured I might pick up some ideas about neat new places to eat and consume beverages. I was kinda flipping through the non-eating and drinking awards when my eye caught something on the fashion page. And let me tell you, that never happens. I am not terribly fashionable. But there, right beside Andre 3000 (Best Dressed Local Celeb) was the Best Atlanta Fashion Trend, and a picture of a shoe that I had tried on very recently. I gasped, audibly. Was it possible I was fashionable?

The page in question:

A close-up of the evidence:

Basically, this little blurb was saying that shoes called gladiator sandals are the most awesome trend to hit my fair city in the last 12 months, right ahead of something called "statement necklaces." Apparently these shoes go well with everything from summer maxi dresses to jeans to rompers.

This blew my mind because I had tried on shoes like the ones in the photograph not one week before! But I didn't try them on because I knew they were stylish. I tried them on because I thought they looked like the most ridiculous shoes I'd ever seen in my life. No offense if you wear these shoes in your daily life, but they looked so foreign to the kinds of shoes that are in my daily life (mainly flip-flops and sneakers) that I had to have a picture.

These are my feet in the Best Atlanta Fashion Trend:



I talked to one fashionable person who said that the shoes that I am wearing are definitely not gladiator sandals, and I'm not going to argue with that. Still, they look like the shoes in the paper, and they contain all the same elements, by which I mean there's a zipper, a high heel and lots of straps involved. Also, it looks like strippers could wear both pairs.

Plus, you have to admit, the paper was right. These shoes truly go with any outfit:





Saturday, May 23, 2009

Book #10: My Sister's Keeper

Sometimes, even when I am in the midst of another book that I am absolutely in love with, I can’t help but think ahead to what book I will read next. After reading 776 pages of “The Brothers Karamazov,” I was ready for something that would be really quick and easy to read. Then I saw a commercial for the movie “My Sister’s Keeper,” which is coming to theaters soon and which features Cameron Diaz, Alec Baldwin and Abigail Breslin. Since I have to read books before the movie comes out, whenever possible, I decided to pull my 50-cent thrift store copy out of the book closet and see what this book was all about.

“My Sister’s Keeper” was written by Jodi Picoult, who, if my understanding of her is correct, writes a lot of family melodramas with ethical conflicts at the center. The ethical conflict in this book comes in the shape of Anna, who was conceived in a test tube as a perfect genetic mix for her sister Kate, who had leukemia. As soon as Anna is born, her cord blood goes to her sister, and then as she grows, she has to donate all sorts of things, including bone marrow. When she’s asked to donate a kidney to her ailing sister, though, Anna seeks out a fancy lawyer and files for medical emancipation.

All this is being relayed to us through shifting narrators; everybody related to the court case (except the dying sister) takes turns narrating chapters, though frankly, they all kind of sounded the same, which is especially problematic when you realize you’re trying to read a chapter from the point-of-view of a 13-year-old, and she sounds like she’s 42. It’s hard not to feel emotionally manipulated when all the chapters seem to paint the mom as a huge bitch or if there was any chance to actually fall in love with the dying sister. As it is, both of them are so unsympathetic that you kind of don’t care if they get that kidney or not. I feel like books that have an ethical conflict should actually, you know, have a conflict.

Anna’s lawyer and her guardian ad litem have conflict, though, as it appears they dated for like a week in high school and she’s still hung up on him. Since I read this book knowing Alec Baldwin was playing the part I got terribly confused, because how was I supposed to feel about this woman who hung onto something for like 40 years? But from what I can tell from IMDB, they cut the guardian ad litem from the movie and dispensed with that subplot of ick, so that’s good. How many other subplots of ick did they cut away? I’ll have to wait til the movie comes out on DVD to find out, because I don’t think I’ll see this one in theaters. For one, Cameron Diaz kind of annoys me, and for two, this movie would just be way too sad to pay money to see.

Still, while I may not be painting the rosiest picture of this book, it’s hard to complain about something that only took me a few hours to read. While this is exactly what I needed after “Brothers Karamazov,” I did get worried that the epic nature and intensity of “Brothers Karamazov” had ruined me for fluffy books. I kept waiting for the devil to show up or for some character to recite an epic poem he’d written on the nature of sin, but that never came. Instead, I got a Lifetime television movie. I hope this condition isn’t permanent. I still have a lot of fluffy books in my apartment to read.

By the way, under no circumstances should you go to the Wikipedia page for this book/movie if you don’t like spoilers, because it gives the entire (twist?) ending of the book away, but I did get this little factoid for you: apparently, Dakota and Elle Fanning had signed on for the movie version of this, with Dakota playing the sick sister and Elle playing the reluctant kidney donor sister. But Dakota backed out because she found out she’d have to shave her head to play someone with leukemia, and Elle backed out shortly after. I just find this funny, whether it’s true or not. I like to think that a director said to her, “You can’t just ACT like you have no hair, Dakota,” or something like that.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Book #9: The Brothers Karamazov

It’s commencement season, which means that pretty much every day there’s another picture of a celebrity or a dignitary getting a fake diploma and giving a speech. One day I hope to do something that gets me invited to speak at a graduation, even if it’s just a preschool graduation. I’m not picky.

Well, I had a graduation of sorts this week, but there were no fancy speakers for me. For the past seven weeks, I have been dutifully attending two classes at Emory at night. Not real classes, but personal enrichment or continuing ed or whatever they call it when nerds want to go back to school but not so badly that they go to graduate school. One of my classes was Introduction to Pilates, and the other was a literature class on “The Brothers Karamazov” by Fyodor Dostoevsky. The classes just came to a close, but rather than a diploma, I get slightly more toned abs and the satisfaction of having read a literary masterpiece. In this blog, I intend to discuss the latter.

Though I have made my way through epic Tolstoy books, reading Dostoevsky has always intimidated me, I guess because I see him as so much darker and twisty than Tolstoy. So I was very eager to take this class to be guided through the process. If you wonder why I haven’t blogged terribly much lately, it’s because reading such a long book in seven weeks takes up a lot of your spare time. Still, the class definitely helped me notice some things that I don’t know that I would have noticed otherwise.

This book, as you might guess, is about a family named Karamazov. The dad, Fyodor, is a real asshole. He has four sons by three women, if you count the son that is illegitimate and never fully claimed by Fyodor, which most people do. That illegitimate son was born to a mentally handicapped homeless woman who died after giving birth, which should tell you something about this guy’s character.

If you could made a line graph of the human psyche, with one side representing enlightenment and the other side representing meanness, with various degrees of selfishness and hopefulness in the middle, then each of the brothers would fall in various places. The “good” one is Alyosha, and our class spent a lot of time discussing him because the professor believed that he was the model by which people should strive to live their lives. He lives his best life, to borrow a term from Oprah, because he doesn’t judge, he doesn’t covet and he doesn’t destroy himself the way the others do. The rest are too blinded by their desires and their shortcomings.

We spent a lot of time discussing ego vs. real self, with real self being a somewhat perfect state of grace in which life could be peaceful, creative and whole, and the ego being seduced by illusions, alienation, fear, guilt and manipulation. I hesitate to write too much more about it, though, because I got the sense that this was the basis for our professor’s next book. I don’t want to get sued. The last time I wrote a book review the author commented on the blog, after all. While Dostoevsky might be dead, my professor isn't.

During the class, the professor kept talking so seriously about “good literature,” with the type of conviction that makes you believe good literature is so amazing and transformative that it could make a person give birth to a duck. Therefore, we spent a lot of time discussing what lessons Dostoevsky was trying to teach through his “good literature.” Still, for all our lectures on philosophy, psychology and religion, and the external vs. the internal, and morality and free will, and the nature of transformation, and everything else in the world that is “heavy,” this is a very enjoyable, readable book. As one of my classmates said, it reads like a soap opera, what with its love triangles, its murders and its poignant deathbed scenes.

Overall, I enjoyed this book and even though I was skeptical of my professor sometimes, I think it did make me into a better person, or at least one who notices more often which way the path to better personhood is pointed. In conclusion, I am glad I read this book in a class that was just for fun, as opposed to a class where I might have actually had to write a paper on it, because just writing this non-complex blog entry made my head hurt.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

recollections of reading: the early years

To kick off this, the last day of Children’s Book Week, I decided to read the two children’s books that I have in my apartment right now: “Barack” by Jonah Winter, illustrated by A.G. Ford and “Barack Obama: Son of Promise, Child of Hope,” written by Nikki Grimes and illustrated by Bryan Collier. These books were Christmas presents from my brother and sister-in-law. I read them when I got them, and I take them down pretty regularly to look at the pictures, because the pictures in both books are beautiful. But reading them again this morning got me thinking about children’s books I loved when I was little.

One of my very first memories is from when I was 2 or 3. This was before we moved into the house that we live in now, and my new baby brother George and I had to share a room. I remember begging, just begging, to be able to go into the room where George was sleeping so I could get some books. I remember being bored and just thinking I would die if I couldn’t get in there and get some books. But Mom would not let me go in, even though I really didn’t understand what the problem was, because I was sure that I would be super quiet and not wake the baby.

Still, despite Mom’s refusal to let me get books on that day, she rarely ever refused me a book again. She took us to the library all the time. I can still distinctly remember one of the librarians we frequently saw, who had this long red hair that looked kinda gross, perhaps because this particular lady always seemed to have a cold and your books always seemed in eminent danger of getting sneezed on. Still, I loved to go to the library, particularly when summer reading programs would start up.

Well, to be honest, of course I loved any reading program, particularly Accelerated Reader when that came along. Back in my day, kids, the reading list was just two legal-sized sheets, back and front. I’ve seen the list you guys have now and all I can tell you is that if there had been that many points up for grabs when I was a kid, you all would have been TOAST. As it was, I did set an Accelerated Reader record at the elementary school, which was only crushed once kids got that supersized list of books they could choose from. There was also the Book-it program, where for reading books you could slips for a personal pan pizza at Pizza Hut, and also a sticker for a button. Dad thought Pizza Hut was dirty so we never got our buttons completed.

But again, I am not trying to bring up old grievances against my parents by telling you these horror stories of not being allowed to go into the baby’s room or not being allowed to go to Pizza Hut, because my parents have always been very supportive of my book habit. Mom would let me order copiously from book orders and book fairs (and oh, I can remember the excitement that occurred when a new book order form arrived from the teacher), and Dad retrieved the dozens of boxes full of books that I mailed to him from Seattle when I was moving. They even tolerated me reading at inappropriate events, such as an Easter service and football games. They were somewhat less tolerant of the bag of books I needed to take everywhere, which was alluded to in a previous post about Children’s Book Week. What happened is that I got convinced the house would burn down, and I didn’t want to be without books for however long it would take us to get some money to get more books. I was also pretty convinced that I would finish whatever book I was reading before I could get back home again, and I wanted to be sure I had something new to start. And by something new to start, I mean, at least 25 options for something to start.

So what did I read? I remember reading Rainbow Brite books a lot when I was small. I had two, and one was green and one was purple. I liked Berenstain Bears books, and I also liked this book called “We Help Mommy,” because I wanted to believe I was the kind of sweet girl who helped her mommy, even though when push came to shove I didn’t like the getting down and dirty that sometimes accompanied helping out. I think “The Monster at the End of this Book” is an extremely important book that everyone should own.

But that’s all I really remember of straight-up picture books. Very early on I considered it vital that I be allowed into the big kids’ section of the library. I heard later that everyone doubted that I actually read the books, but starting in the first grade I could check out a book a day from the non-picture book section. I liked these books…I don’t know what brand they were or anything, but they were biographies of famous people that focused pretty much exclusively on their childhoods. Like, you would read 180 pages of what Ben Franklin or Juliette Gordon Low were like as children, and then there would be one chapter tacked on the end about how they grew up and became famous. The books were very distinctive looking, but I have no idea who put them out. I wish I knew. I’d like to work for those people.

Along those historical lines, I loved the American Girls books, of course; though, not to sound like an old woman, but back in my day there were only three American Girls (Kirsten, Samantha and Molly) and there were not emporiums where you could go and pick out clothes and dolls – there was a catalogue that came quarterly and that was it. Oh, Molly the American Girl, I can still picture you at your kitchen table refusing to eat your vegetables, and your mom saying you couldn’t leave the table until you ate them, but still you sat there. So stubborn and plucky!

What else? Like most kids, I loved E.B. White, Roald Dahl, Encyclopedia Brown and Beverly Clearly, particularly anything with Ramona in the title. I loved the “Little House” series as much as I loved the television show. I read my way through God knows how many Babysitter’s Club books, including the spin-off titles like Babysitter’s Little Sister and the Summer Super Specials. I was even a member of the fan club for awhile, which was fun because you got cool stuff in the mail, but somewhat sad because a good portion of the mail was about starting your own babysitters’ club, and I just couldn’t get one together. I read Nancy Drew, Anne of Green Gables, and Judy Blume (“Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret” when totally over my head because I read it when I was far too young but I adored “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing”).

“Bridge to Terabithia” was the first book that made me cry, and also the first book that slightly scandalized me because there was a “dammit” or something like that in the first few pages. I refuse to see any movie that is based on that book. I liked Avi. I liked Louis Sachar’s “Sideways Stories from Wayside School” and still occasionally find myself referencing some of the stories in conversations. I took a Super Saturday class on the Chronicles of Narnia, and debated with people about whether it was better to read the books in chronological order or in the order that they came numbered in the box set. One year the church did a Lenten program on “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe,” so they showed a bit of the cartoon movie each Wednesday night. One of my best memories of my grandmother Kink is when she got up to do a recap of the previous week’s episode, and she told that story better than C.S. Lewis himself.

Pretty early on I did start heading for slightly more adult fare, like Mary Higgins Clark and Agatha Christie. But I still go through phases when I read a lot of kids’ books. Particularly when I lived in Seattle—that’s when I read most of the Newbery and Caldecott medal books, just for the hell of it, cause I was unemployed and had lots of time to sit in bookstores and libraries. That’s when I devoured the Lemony Snicket books and where I read the last half of the Harry Potter series.

I think those are the majority of my children’ book-related memories, and you gotta admit, those are some pretty great memories. So that’s why a week like Children’s Book Week is so important. I hope kids read more and don’t just play on the internet or watch the television, though I do think there’s enough time in childhood to do those things too. Well, actually I don’t know about the internet thing, we didn’t have that til I was in high school. But I think in honor of Children’s Book Week we should all go read something right NOW, and if you have kids, make them read something too. Sometimes I worry that if I have kids that don’t like to read, I won’t know how to relate to them, but that’s an anxiety to discuss on another day. For now, let’s all go read.

a night at the ballet

On Friday night, to celebrate Children’s Book Week, I headed off to see the Atlanta Ballet perform a literary-inspired work, Don Quixote. Well, it wasn’t only to celebrate Children’s Book Week; I’d had the tickets for weeks. But it felt like an apt way to observe the event, because there were a lot of children there, and it was literary inspired.

Though the ballet is called Don Quixote, the man himself plays a very minor role; while he does make a half-hearted dash at a windmill, he mostly sits on the sidelines and watches other people dance. My theory on this is that if he did dance, people would get all the songs from the musical “Man of La Mancha” stuck in their heads. Cause I for one know that I was subconsciously listening for songs from that fine film when the orchestra started playing.

So, Don Quixote doesn’t dance. He leaves that to the young whippersnappers Kitri and Basilio, who are madly in love and must express this emotion through DANCING. So dance they do, all through three acts. But sometimes their dancing is foiled by Gamache, described in my program as a wealthy fop, who, from my seat, somewhat resembled Austin Scarlett from Project Runway Season 1. Gamache is good comic relief, as was Sancho Panza, as were the little girls who were seated three rows in front of us who were clearly enjoying a night in their fancy dresses. There was one girl, wearing this green sparkly dress, and I wondered of her, if this is what she wears to the ballet when she’s 12, what will she wear to the prom when she’s 17? But I digress.

In the first act of this ballet, all the dancing takes place in a marketplace, which is a convenient setting because there’s lots of reasons why lots of people would wander through a marketplace and suddenly feel compelled to DANCE. In this act, I was somewhat uncomfortable watching the dancers who went up on their toes, and I kept thinking, “NO! You’ll ruin your feet, pretty girl! Please stop dancing like that!” but by the end of the ballet, I was more like, “Get up on your toes and dance for me, dancing monkey!”

After the marketplace, action moved to a gypsy camp, where Kitri and Basilio get the blessing of some gypsies who read their palms to get married, and they head off-stage to do some private dancing, one imagines. Don Quixote makes a feeble stab at a windmill which so immediately exhausts him that he must fall to sleep at once and have a beautiful dream of dryads and little cupids dancing.

When he wakes up, it’s time to go to the tavern where Kitri and Basilio manage to get rid of that Gamache through ingenious means and then they get married. Marriage is symbolized in ballet by a lot of beautiful dancing, to the point that I made a mental note that I must get ballerinas for my wedding. It would be ideal if I could get the girl who played Kitri cause she was amazing. Seriously, it was an immensely beautiful scene and if all the little children who were at the performance didn’t leave with a burning desire to read Don Quixote at once, then they at least left with the unrealistic dream that they should become ballerinas. Or maybe that was just me.

Well, while I haven’t seen a ton of ballets in my day, I must say that this was definitely the best one I’ve ever seen. The costumes were beautiful, the sets were amazing, the music was fantastic and all the tiny little dancers gave it their all. In the case of Basilio, I say that quite literally cause he was wearing nude tights at one point and you could definitely see everything.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

One Evening... (prompt 7 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Seven: “One Evening…” Begun by Lemony Snicket and completed Molly.

This is the sort of story you should never read at night, because it is full of things that are frightening to think about when it is dark, such as hungry wolf, a bottle of poison, and a locked box with a terrible secret inside. However, the story is not at all frightening at the beginning, when a young girl named Roweena is living in a small cottage in the middle of the forest with two lumberjacks who are both named Tim. One evening, when Tim, Tim and Roweena were all having dinner, there was a knock on the door, but before anyone could answer it,...

Roweena’s cell phone rang.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hey, it’s Molly!”

“Oh, Molly, I might have to call you back, we just had a knock on the door.”

“No! Don’t answer it!”

“Why?”

“Because if you answer that door, then you will begin a story that involves a hungry wolf, a bottle of poison, and a locked box with a terrible secret inside!”

“Oh my! Well, that does make sense. After all, we are in a story that was begun by acclaimed author Lemony Snicket.”

“True enough, and though I am a fan of Mr. Snicket’s work, I must demand that you not open that door, because I am finishing the story, and I am frankly just too tired to think of a scenario that includes a hungry wolf, a bottle of poison, and a locked box with a terrible secret inside!”

“You’re terribly lazy, Molly!”

“True enough. Fine, Roweena, if you want to open the door, do it.”

“Then I will, you lazy horrible writer.”

Roweena opened the door where she was greeted by a hungry wolf holding a locked box with a terrible secret inside. Luckily, Roweena had the key for the box right around her neck. She opened the box and was greeted by a note. It said, “You just drank poison, Roweena.”

“What a horrible secret!” Roweena exclaimed before she died. “Turns out that bottle of Diet Coke was actually a bottle of poison!”

Once Roweena had expired, the hungry wolf sat down at Roweena’s place and ate her meal. Tim and Tim vowed never to doubt Molly or call her lazy again.

One Morning... (prompt 6 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Six: “One Morning…” Begun by Mary Pope Osborne and completed by Molly

“I’m cold,” said Annie, sitting on the front porch.

“Me, too,” said Jack, shivering. “Let’s go inside.”

“Wait! Look!” said Annie. “Over there!”

“It’s a store that sells coats!” exclaimed Jack. “How did we never notice this before?”

Annie and Jack went over to the store that sold coats (Burlington Coat Factory) and they each purchased a jacket. Then, they were very warm. They went back to sit on the porch, and they managed to sit there for months until one morning…

“I’m hot,” said Annie, sitting on the front porch.

“Me too,” said Jack, sweating. “Let’s go inside.”

“Wait! Look!” said Annie. “Over there!”

“It’s a swimming pool!” exclaimed Jack. “How did we never notice this before?”

Annie and Jack went over to the swimming pool, but then they had to return to Burlington Coat Factory to buy swimsuits. Once they were properly attired, they went back to the swimming pool and jumped in. They cooled off immediately. They swam for hours and hours until they turned into prunes. They got out of the pool and sat in a deck chair.

“Hey Annie?”

“Yes, Jack?”

“Maybe we should spend more time exploring instead of sitting on our porch all the time. As it turns out, we live in a pretty interesting neighborhood, what with this Burlington Coat Factory and this swimming pool.”

“You’re right, Jack. We need to experience life!”

That night Annie and Jack robbed a convenience store and were sent to jail, which they found pretty similar to sitting on the porch, so it worked out well for them.

The Secret I Can't Actually Tell People Yet! (prompt 5 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Five: “The Secret I Can’t Actually Tell People Yet!” begun by Barbara Park and completed by Molly

Dear first-grade journal,
I’VE GOT A SECRET!
I’VE GOT A SECRET!

Only Mother and Daddy said I can’t actually tell people yet!
But a journal is not even people! And so I am just going to write it in these pages. And that’s all!
Last night, ….


I got to hang out with the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus! It’s because Daddy kidnapped them, and that is part of why I am not supposed to tell anybody. Mother says Daddy is mentally disturbed and that’s why she gave everyone two scoops of ice cream instead of just one. She cried when Miley Cyrus said that she was going to make sure that we went to jail for a long time, and she kept crying because Miley Cyrus just kept talking. Mother has told me before that she finds Miley Cyrus’s voice very annoying!

Miley got mad when I asked how to do the “Achy Breaky Heart” dance that her father is so famous for, but the Jonas Brothers don’t get mad about anything! So far we have played ping-pong, air hockey, and four games on the Wii! I don’t think they even know that they’ve been kidnapped. They just keep asking what exactly it is that Daddy does for Disney. They are always talking to cameras that are not even there and they always ask what time they have to perform. I found one of them in the bathroom with Mother’s flat iron.

Daddy hasn’t done very much since he brought Miley and the Jonases home. He kind of curled up in a ball on the couch for awhile, and then he asked me to bring him my High School Musical DVD’s. He smashed them, but I don’t mind. I’m going to have Miley and the Jonas Brothers act out High School Musical for me everyday! I also have some big plans involving a remake of the Wizard of Oz. Miley will play Dorothy, and the Jonas Brothers will be the scarecrow, tin man, and lion. It is going to be the most awesome thing ever and I am going to be the only one who sees it because this is a big secret! No one but me can know who we’ve got in our basement! Don’t tell, Journal!

Obviously, everyone at school is pretty concerned, and I hear the bigger kids talking about all the rumors that are floating around on the Internet. Some people think that Miley and the Jonas Brothers moved to Utah and all got married to each other, and now they are living out some polygamous lifestyle, whatever that means! Other kids are saying that they faked their own deaths and are out living on an island with Tupac, who is going to teach them how to release posthumous albums, whatever that means.

And the last crazy thing I heard was that some security guard grabbed them at their last concert and is going to sell them on the black market China so that he can pay his mortgage. I don’t mind telling you, Journal, that that rumor hit a little close to home because I know we are having trouble paying our mortgage in the middle of this recession. However, Daddy doesn’t even work as a security guard, because he doesn’t work at all, so I know it can’t be true!

Anyways, after school today I am hoping we can all play some Uno! Hooray for secrets!

Tutu is a Funny Name for a Guy (prompt 4 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Four: “Tutu Is A Funny Nickname for A Guy” begun by Eoin Colfer and completed by Molly

“Tutu is a funny nickname for a guy,” said Gerry Green Socks, picking his teeth with a chicken’s foot.

“That it is,” agreed Jimmy Tutu mildly, laying back on a sack of grain and rubbing his full stomach.

Gerry consulted his encyclopedic brain. “The only tutu I got is a ballet dancer’s costume. You know, like a bodice and a skirt thing.”

“That’s the one,” said Jimmy Tutu, knowing he was going to have to tell the story for perhaps the thousandth time, wishing Gerry would allow him ten minutes to digest his meal and knowing he wouldn’t.

“So, you gonna tell me,” pushed Gerry, wiggling threatening fingers over his laces. “Or do I have to take my boots off.”

Jimmy sat bolt upright, forgetting all about his digestion. “Hey, no, don’t take them off. I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you.”

Gerry backed his hands away from the boots as though they were loaded, which in a way they were.

Jimmy sighed. “You gotta picture it. Fifty years ago. Europe has collapsed. China invents the timewarp train, and a ten year old plasma thief gets chased into a Broadway theatre…”

“What’s timewarp?” asked Gerry.

“It’s a thing from the future, which is where I’m from, beeyotch!” Jimmy stood up, pulled out his gun and killed Gerry. “Oh, by the way, they call me Jimmy Tutu because it’s a good distracting name for luring in my enemies, catching them off-guard, and killing them. Aren’t you glad you know now?

And with that, Gerry heaved his last breath. Jimmy Tutu set off for the future, where he had a lovely lady waiting for him.

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Molly's note: Sorry, this prompt didn’t really do anything for me. It made my brain hurt. I’m not even sure I understood it.

Surprise on the Mat (prompt 3 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Three: “Surprise on the Mat” begun by Lola Schaefer and completed by Molly

Crocker never wanted to be on the wrestling team. He really didn’t.

But here he was – on the mat, not ready at all for his first match.

He turned to face his opponent.

“It can’t be,” he said under his breath.

But it was.

Crocker was going to have to fight Macho Man Randy Savage.

You see, tough times had fallen on Macho Man Randy Savage ever since the Slim Jim money ran out, and since he couldn’t get a regular television wrestling gig anymore, he had started taking small paydays to face high school wrestlers. Schools were willing to pay because it got more people to come to wrestling matches.

“Crap,” Crocker whispered under his breath as Macho Man Randy Savage ran around the ring in his fringed jacket, yelling “Oooooh yeah!” Crocker had thought the strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” that he had heard earlier were just band practice. But no, it was Macho Man entering the gym. Now Crocker was going to get his ass kicked by a former childhood hero.

“I’m gonna go Mickey Rourke on your ass,” Macho Man said.

“Please don’t, Macho Man,” Crocker pleaded. Macho Man hit him in the gut.

The referee stepped in. “High school wrestling, Mr. Savage,” he said.

“Sorry, ref,” Macho Man said, before getting Crocker in a headlock that was no less painful than being hit in the gut.

“Please don’t hurt me, Macho Man,” Crocker gasped. “You were my favorite wrestler growing up.”

Macho Man loosened his grip a little bit. “Really?” he asked. “You liked me better than Hulk Hogan?”

“Of course,” Crocker said. “I was with you through your feuds with Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man. I was with you even when you replaced Miss Elizabeth with Sensational Sherri and became the evil Macho King. I watched Hulk Hogan defeat you in the career match at Wrestlemania VII, and then I shed a few tears as Miss Elizabeth came and rescued you from Sensational Sherri.”

“Did you know that both Miss Elizabeth and Sensational Sherri are dead now?” asked Macho Man.

“Yes, I did, Macho Man, and don’t think I didn’t let the occasion pass without shedding a few tears. I’ll still never forget how you married Miss Elizabeth in the ring at SummerSlam, only to have the wedding reception crashed by that bastard, Jake the Snake.”

By this point, the Macho Man had completely released his grip on Crocker. The baffled referee asked, “Are we going to wrestle today, gentlemen?”

“No,” said Macho Man. “This kid is playing the Evan Rachel Wood part in the movie that is my life which would be called ‘The Wrestler’ if that title had not just been taken. So I am going to take him out for some ice cream and some thrift store clothes.”

And that is how Crocker avoided getting his ass kicked by Macho Man Randy Savage.

The Unexpected Blast (prompt 2 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt Two: “The Unexpected Blast” begun by Elaine Landau and completed by Molly

It all started the summer we visited our uncle in South America. The volcano near the village where we were staying was supposed to be inactive, yet lately steam had been leaking from it. My little brother and I were near the foot of the volcano the morning it began to shake. Suddenly, its north side collapsed. Clouds of rock and ash shot into the air. Lava and mudflows now blocked our path back to our uncle’s cabin. My little brother was crying, and I knew I had to think fast. So I……

…immediately started searching for someone we could sacrifice to the volcano. Clearly, the volcano gods were angry, and I had to appease them with live flesh. My crybaby little brother seemed like a good option, but I had a feeling that my family wouldn’t forgive me and since I was only nine I really couldn’t stand to lose their financial support at this point in my life.

So if I couldn’t sacrifice my brother, who could I sacrifice? Tom Hanks was nowhere to be seen, though I allowed myself a few seconds to chuckle at such a clever joke, even though at the age of 9 I really shouldn’t have been seeing a movie such as “Joe Versus the Volcano,” and may I note that the person writing this story really shouldn’t have wasted valuable writing time looking up the rating of “Joe Versus the Volcano” on Netflix? As it turns out the movie was only rated PG, so maybe there was a chance that a 9-year-old could have seen it. But I digress.

“Who can we sacrifice?” I asked my little brother. “I must get out of this adventure so I can see the new Tom Hanks movie! Because it takes place at the Vatican and you know how I love popes!” At this moment in my life, with lava and mudflows running toward me, I was starting to wonder why Tom Hanks was completely consuming my life. After all, I was only 9, and here I was having numerous thoughts about the work of Tom Hanks. If I died in this horrific volcano accident, there was a good chance I’d miss the inevitable “Forrest Gump” sequel I’m convinced he’ll make if he gets desperate enough!

Shit, time was running out and now all I can think about is Tom Hanks’ moving performance in “Philadelphia!” And how great he was in “A League of their Own!” I try to channel Tom Hanks circa 1995, which was when “Apollo 13” came out, because in that movie TH was confronted with a life-threatening situation just like this one! Except the difference between me and Tom Hanks is that in that film, Tom Hanks was working with a script based on a book by astronaut Jim Lovell, and I am working with a writer who seems more interested in updating her Netflix queue than in getting me out of this mess in her allotted 15 minutes of writing time.

In the end, I sacrificed my brother to the volcano gods, mainly because time was up and I didn’t want to die without seeing “The Great Buck Howard,” featuring both Tom Hanks and his son Colin Hanks, which is coming to DVD in the near future.

And then... (prompt 1 of 7)

As I noted on Thursday, we are in the midst of Children’s Book Week! However, we only have a few days to celebrate, because it ends tomorrow. One of the main ways for celebrating this event, based on my perusal of the website, is to write stories based on prompts that are provided by famous authors as well as people just connected with the event.

So today I sat down and worked my way through all the prompts. I only gave myself 15 minutes to complete each prompt (because I don’t want to shame the kids who might be participating). So what you will find in bold, below, is the prompt given on the website, and then in non-bold, you will see where I decided to take the story. Happy Children’s Book Week!

Prompt One: “And Then….” Begun by National Ambassador Jon Scieszka and completed by Molly.

The guy at the pet store said he was pretty sure it was a Green Basilisk Lizard egg. But man, was he wrong. He could not have been more wrong. Now the newspaper wants to know what happened to my little brother, that nice old lady down the street, the left side of Washington Elementary School, and the three jets, two helicopters, four tanks, and 36,000 gallons of Marshmallow Fluff. They will probably cover up the true story. But here’s what really happened….

When this alleged “Green Basilisk Lizard egg” hatched, it hatched not my long-awaited Green Basilisk Lizard but in fact a little army of sea monkeys. It was freaky to see that many sea monkeys emerge from the egg, it was sort of like a clown car, in fact. But I had no idea how freaky it was about to get, because as soon as all the little sea monkeys were out of the egg, they started lining up in formations that spelled out words. Here is what they said:

“No more Mr. Nice Sea Monkeys…We are here to destroy your planet….First, though, we are hungry. Would you mind getting us 36,000 gallons of Marshmallow Fluff?”

That took about 20 minutes to spell out because they are so tiny. At this point, I was pretty hungry too, and now that they mentioned it, I could really go for some Marshmallow Fluff, so we headed down to the corner market and started going to town on every single thing of Marshmallow Fluff we could find, which was quite a lot actually, because I live in a town that manufactures Marshmallow Fluff. My little brother came along and started eating Marshmallow Fluff also, but it turns out he’s a diabetic so he really shouldn’t have been doing that. He died.

Another person who died while me and the sea monkeys ate Marshmallow Fluff was that “nice” old lady down the street, who tried to prevent us from eating any more Marshmallow Fluff. I was pretty hopped up on sugar by that point so I killed her with my bare hands. After eating so much Marshmallow Fluff, the sea monkeys were gigantic! They decided they wanted to steal three jets, two helicopters and four tanks from the local army base, and who was I to stop them? A sad little boy who had just watched his brother die from eating too much Marshmallow Fluff. Plus, I was still covered in all that little old lady’s blood.

The sea monkeys went off to steal their equipment from the military, and I was left to my own devices, which for awhile just consisted of eating chocolate and graham crackers in an effort to make smores in my stomach. Then I started feeling kind of gross so I went over to Washington Elementary School and threw up all over the left side of it. I mean, all over. I think I was throwing up things I ate last Tuesday.

So no matter how the newspaper, which is just a mouthpiece for fat cat conservatives, decides how they want to spin this story of what happened to my little brother, that nice old lady down the street, the left side of Washington Elementary School, and the three jets, two helicopters, four tanks and 36,000 gallons of Marshmallow Fluff, just remember this: never buy a Green Basilisk Lizard egg from the local pet store. Not that you’ll have much of a chance. From what I hear, the sea monkey army went after all the local pet stores first.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

we are in the midst of a holiday!!

Guys! Did you know that we are smack dab in the middle of Children’s Book Week??!!? Well, we are, and even though we are getting a late start, we are going to celebrate this monumental occasion on the blog. To get us started, here are some fun facts about Children’s Book Week!

--It is being observed from May 11 to May 17 this year. In 2010 it will be celebrated from May 10 to May 16 and in 2011 it will be from May 2 to May 8!

--It has been celebrated since 1919!

--Every year they announce the Children’s Choice Book Awards Winners! This year that Twilight book won in the teen category; it was the only winning book I had heard of.

--The anchor sponsors are Toys for Tots and Amazon!!!

If you go to the Children’s Book Week website then you can learn tons of other awesome facts very similar to the ones above. You can also download the official 2009 Children’s Book Week bookmark and poster, but frankly, those things didn’t really do it for me. Didn’t have quite the pizzazz Children’s Book Week deserves. That’s why I took it upon myself to design three new posters:





More fun to come!!! We’re going to have the best 3 ½ day celebration of Children’s Book Week possible!!!

happy birthday, tiki

My dad doesn't text me very often, by which I mean, I don't think he's ever texted me until today. But today I got three texts from him. The first two were about my brother William, who had shoulder surgery today. Dad sent me a message that he was doing fine and then he sent a picture of my little brother recovering in his hospital gown. So those, obviously, were important. It was good to know how my brother was doing.

Then came the third text message of the day:

"Don't 4get 2day is tiki's birthday."

I should probably note, for the sake of accuracy, that the message didn't have any apostrophes in it, because I am guessing that dad might not know how to access the punctuation marks on this phone. But still, this message was a bit perplexing. As I noted, he wouldn't have texted me unless it was important, and clearly anything having to do with Tiki the cat is very very important to my dad.

That's right, Tiki is a cat, I shall note for people who may not read this blog with much consistency. This is the cat that has a picture on my dad's entertainment stand…right next to the pictures of his kids. This is the cat that hisses and scratches at me if I even so much as try to touch her. May 14 is a birthday that my dad made up for her based on an estimate given to him by the veterinarian.

So even though Tiki and I don't really get along (and that is all your fault, Tiki, because I am nothing but loving toward you), and even though it is only your fake birthday and not necessarily your real birthday, I shall offer you three pieces of advice as a gift on this day.

Piece of advice #1: Don't waste your time with Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry, Tiki. Even if you love both Diet Dr. Pepper AND Cherry Coke, as I do, you will not find the combination anything special. Or, at least I didn't. You just have to accept that these are drinks that are meant to be enjoyed separately, and the combination of them does not result in some sort of super drink.

Piece of advice #2: Never ever leave a kitchen cabinet open. I am sure Dad has told you this numerous times, Tiki, because he told all of his kids this numerous times when we were growing up. Do you know what happens if you leave a kitchen cabinet open? You poke your eye out and end up with a glass eye like one of his teachers! So never ever do it, Tiki! Because you will hear the anecdote about the glass eye and it will creep you out, which is unfortunate because if you are in the kitchen, it's probably because you just ate something, or you are about to, and no one needs to hear about glass eyes in those circumstances.

Piece of advice #3: Tiki, if you're ever on a talk show, make sure you wait until they cut to commercial before standing up. If you stand up before they cut to commercial, the host freaks out, even though everyone knows that you have to leave sometime in the next few minutes anyways. For some reason, talk show hosts still insist that you remain seated until they go to commercial. I think it's because they want the audience to think they are friends with their guests and also that they have good hygiene habits.

Well, that's about it. I did just call my dad, and he said that he taught himself to text during William's surgery. He only remembered it was Tiki's birthday because she is the picture on his cell phone. He was worried that her morning schedule was all thrown off because of William's surgery, but I'm sure she'll survive. Happy birthday Tiki! Hope they give both you and William a Skinny Cow tonight.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

no reason to go on

Awful news, everybody. The Chick-fil-a cows are gone. My beloved Chick-fil-a cows have been replaced by a garish, horrific Fanta billboard. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye, let alone steal them and make them mine forever. Life is so fleeting.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Pickle Spaghetti, a poem

Last night I dreamt I invented a recipe
It was called pickle spaghetti.
The ingredients were pickle relish and spaghetti.
It was pretty damn good.

When I woke up, I got on the internet
And I googled “pickle spaghetti.”
Apparently it doesn’t exist
So I guess I really did invent it.

Now that I think about it – here’s something that would be really good:
Get a tubular pasta,
Like cannelloni
Or manicotti
Or penne
Rigatoni and ziti would also work.
Stuff the pickle relish INSIDE the tubes.
Put pesto or something green on top.
Then you have spaghetti that looks like a pickle
And tastes like a pickle.
Man, that would be wild.

I wrote this in poem form
Because from what I can tell
Poetry is words and sentences that become profound
When they are broken up into many lines.
And when there are words, incongruous words
Jumbled together for no apparent reason
It is also profound.
So, for that reason, I say to you:
Pickle spaghetti.

Book #8: The Quest for Immortality: Science at the Frontiers of Aging

In September of last year, I had the opportunity to attend a health journalism conference. Over dinner one night, our speaker was S. Jay Olshansky, who aroused everyone’s interest by passing around a vial of pills. The pills were offered to anyone who wanted one, and the company who made them claimed that with this pill, you could live forever. It turns out the pills were Tic-Tacs. You gotta be flashy when you’re a dinner speaker, I guess.

Olshansky went on to detail the ways that humans have tried to find immortality and prevent aging over history. He detailed a few of the key theories out there now about postponing aging, so that we live longer, but with fewer of the infirmities and frailties of old age. Then he proposed that a pill that could just that might be available on the market within our lifetimes. It was terribly exciting stuff.

Which was why I had high hopes for a book that S. Jay Olshansky co-authored with Bruce A. Carnes, entitled “The Quest for Immortality: Science at the Frontiers of Aging.” I’ve been writing about some aging-related issues at work lately, and I have an upcoming article about whether we could end aging, the central theme of Olshansky’s speech. I’ve been looking forward to reading this book, churning out a magnum opus of an article, and then sitting back and waiting for this immortality pill to appear.

Well, this book had very little of that optimism and fun that I remember from Olshansky’s speech; perhaps the wine and chocolate cake served with dinner had me too giddy for my own good. Instead, this book is kind of a Debbie Downer sort of book, that basically tells us that we’re lucky we live so long in the first place, because none of our ancestors did. And the only reason we live longer is because we figured out the issues of sanitation and malnutrition and immunization that were affecting newborn babies – by fixing the conditions for babies, the average lifespan for everyone went up. But once it did, and more people aged, then we realized that aging sucks because it includes things like dementia and convalescence and cancer. Whoopee.

Olshansky and Carnes review the work of scientists who view aging as yet another disease, something we can conquer, and they don’t turn up much in the way of a solution. The only thing we could conceivably do, based on my reading of the book, is freeze our eggs and sperm, sit around and see who lives the longest and healthiest, and then only use their eggs and sperm to continue the species. Not too appealing. Once we hit puberty, we are ticking time bombs. We need to reproduce, and once those years are over, then nature doesn’t care if we live or die.

So, to review, this is what I got from this book:
1. Why are you complaining about aging, you punk? The people alive today are the only people who have ever gotten to. WHY CAN’T YOU BE HAPPY ABOUT THAT?

2. Have a baby! It’s what you’re here for. Then go ahead and die, because you’ve served your evolutionary purpose and your baby needs the resources.

3. Okay, if you are looking into ways to live longer, better not believe anything anyone tells you because no one but S. Jay Olshansky and Bruce A. Carnes can read scientific data correctly, so what everyone else tells you is just a LIE to get your money.

4. Also, even if you imagine a cutting-edge world where doctors can fix things in your body that go wrong, then they will probably inadvertently make tweaks that screw up something else.

Hooray! So that’s what I have to write about in the coming week in a simplified nutshell. I guess I’m ultimately not too concerned about it. We’ll probably all evolve into robots that won’t have to worry about disease sometime soon anyways.

And if anyone wants to know, I read 230 pages to find out that regular exercise is the only thing that can truly be proven to be good for you, and that I personally, as a 27-year old, have 19,577 days of life left.